Friday Funnies

[jackhammer91406]

Not a leg to stand on...

 

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for

lunch in a wine bar.

 

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of

Pinot Grigio.

 

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.

After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She

too shares the wine.

 

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she

met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is

a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft

apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.

They have a second home in Portugal.

 

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become

a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial

investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and

have a second home in Italy.

 

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her

boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own

vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

 

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts

out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco's Supermarket. They live

in a small apartment in Bromley, Kent and have a caravan parked on the front

drive.

 

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she

and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples home. They

live in Peckham, London and take camping holidays in Kent.

 

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[edjames]

My apologies if these two been seen before.

ED

 

The Jewish Elbow

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming

to visit with his wife.

 

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.

There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button

301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the

left. With your elbow hit my doorbell."

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy but why am I hitting all these buttons

with my elbow? .........

 

 

"What . . . . .. You coming empty handed?"

 

_______________________________________________

 

 

 

Wise Italian Grandfather

 

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through

the family.................

 

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated

.38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your

Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you

gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a

couple-a bambinos. "

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed

with anudder man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

[Guest countryboywny]

My apologies if these two been seen before.

ED

 

The Jewish Elbow

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming

to visit with his wife.

 

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.

There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button

301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the

left. With your elbow hit my doorbell."

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy but why am I hitting all these buttons

with my elbow? .........

 

 

"What . . . . .. You coming empty handed?"

 

_______________________________________________

 

 

 

Wise Italian Grandfather

 

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through

the family.................

 

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated

.38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your

Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you

gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a

couple-a bambinos. "

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed

with anudder man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

 

I still laugh at the last one.. a classic!

[jackhammer91406]

Texting

 

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a

STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

 

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

[jackhammer91406]

Easy as 1-2-3...

 

 

Sex And Good Grammar

 

 

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

 

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate

to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

 

The old medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

 

 

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

 

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,

"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,

took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end

our sentences with a preposition,because we

could end up with a dangling participle.

[seeker630]

Good one!

[edjames]

Smart Ass Answers...

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

 

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

 

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2011!!

 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 

A BONUS EXTRA

 

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

[jackhammer91406]

 

 

 

 

 

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.

 

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming....

 

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree,

 

"WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.

 

 

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

 

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said,

 

"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

 

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other,

 

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.

 

It's been such a long, long time....

 

So .... Do you think we should ....well .....

 

You know ......

 

Screw her

 

 

 

"Out of WHAT ?"

 

asked the other lawyer ..

[Guest countryboywny]

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

(This should keep you chuckling for awhile)

A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas ) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".

The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church... "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.

He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not!"

True story!!

[edjames]

With temps climbing into the high 90's a good laugh is a great way to beat the heat!

Enjoy!

 

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

 

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

 

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

 

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

 

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed. "

[Guest Connoisseur]

Daddy Sez: "Would you like to take a vacation?"

[josephga]

Daddy Sez: "Would you like to take a vacation?"

[Guy Fawkes]

and now back to the show...

 

[video=youtube;xVlZ-94MyrQ]

[edjames]

First my reaction "BRAVO DADDY! BRAVO!"

 

And here are two more to amuse you:

 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

 

Passenger: 'Who?'

 

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

 

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

 

Cabbie: 'Not over Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He

sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

 

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

 

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

 

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

 

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

 

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

 

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f**king wife...'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car

going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

 

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

[+ Axiom2001]

These even had me smiling! Thanks!

[jackhammer91406]

Leaving Town....

 

LEAVING TOWN

 

 

 

To help reduce the budget deficit, the Government will announce

next month that the Department of Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE)

will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security

and Medicare costs.

 

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember

how to get back home.

 

I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me ... oh, shoot ...

I'll see you on the bus!

[jackhammer91406]

Altered STATES

 

I was born in Atlanta Georgia. I have family Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, and both Carolinas. My buddy from Ohio sent these. They are riffs on behavior by some of the fine citizens of those various states. So before anyone gets upset, these are probably some of my relatives we're talking about. Over the next couple of weeks we will hopefully get a few chuckles from some of my family living in these altered STATES.

 

Florida

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out

of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue

lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,

then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"

and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked

up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift

ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason

for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off

with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper as he walked away.

[Xander]

Speaking of Florida -- did you guys know that there is a rural town in Florida (I believe Ocala?) a few hours south of Tampa which has the highest std rate in the nation?

 

Here's the kicker: Median age is 77.

[Walker1]

LOL!! Very funny. Nothing to contribute, except this video of a woman who missed her flight and has a rather unusual reaction!

 

 

[video=youtube;xbVw7entkxg]

[Bosguy]

I was born in Atlanta Georgia. I have family Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, and both Carolinas. My buddy from Ohio sent these. They are riffs on behavior by some of the fine citizens of those various states. So before anyone gets upset, these are probably some of my relatives we're talking about. Over the next couple of weeks we will hopefully get a few chuckles from some of my family living in these altered STATES.

 

Florida

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out

of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue

lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,

then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"

and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked

up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift

ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason

for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off

with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper as he walked away.

[/color][/size][/font]

 

JH,

 

There are a lot of "altered states" and residents of those states living in the midwest. Know any? I do.

 

Boston Bill

[jackhammer91406]

Altered STATES 2

 

Again with the same caveat: Born there, raised there, family there, here is this weeks altered STATES.

 

Georgia

 

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about much discount he could take in paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

 

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

[Kevin Slater]

LOL!! Very funny. Nothing to contribute, except this video of a woman who missed her flight and has a rather unusual reaction!

 

 

[video=youtube;xbVw7entkxg]

 

Don't worry about her; she made the next flight. I know, I was sitting in front of her for six hours.

 

Kevin Slater

[bigvalboy]

I was born in Atlanta Georgia. I have family Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, and both Carolinas. My buddy from Ohio sent these. They are riffs on behavior by some of the fine citizens of those various states. So before anyone gets upset, these are probably some of my relatives we're talking about. Over the next couple of weeks we will hopefully get a few chuckles from some of my family living in these altered STATES.

 

Florida

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out

of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue

lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,

then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"

and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked

up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift

ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason

for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off

with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper as he walked away.

[/color][/size][/font]

 

Love it!!!!

[bigvalboy]

LOL!! Very funny. Nothing to contribute, except this video of a woman who missed her flight and has a rather unusual reaction!

 

 

[video=youtube;xbVw7entkxg]

 

 

Absolutely Hilarious...I think it was funnier not knowing what she was saying, her reactions were precious...loved it!!

[jackhammer91406]

Altered STATES 3

 

Final installment of LIFE WITH MY FAMILY

 

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole yo pickup truck frum the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "ah couldn't tell, but ah got the license number."

 

 

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "Ah got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down dey tell you ta put flares in the front and flares in the back. Ah never did understand it neither."

 

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

 

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why Ah'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' ".