Bosguy Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 A change-up this week if you will permit. I want to take you back to the days of the Carol Burnett show. One of the fun things was to watch the cast break up at Tim Conway's antics. Vicki Lawrence very seldom lost character but one time she did... Take 5 minutes of your day and enjoy... Join Tim, Carol, Vicki and guest star Dick Van Dyke... It was about elephants.... [video=youtube;3qqE_WmagjY] [/color][/size][/font] Thanks JH, I have a sore stomach right now but it's from a good belly laugh provided by a wonderful man!!!! Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I got this in a text today: When three people have sex, it's called a "threesome". When two people have sex, it's called a "twosome". Now I understand why everyone calls you "handsome". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I got this in a text today: When three people have sex, it's called a "threesome". When two people have sex, it's called a "twosome". Now I understand why everyone calls you "handsome". I remember when they used to call it "Dating Mary Palm. By the way, you are handsome inside and out. Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 how it started... Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?" Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops. There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.' Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?' Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .' And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 A 54 year old womanhad a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this) God replied: "S---! I didn't recognize you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 JH Another hilarious post. I read it right before I HAD to go to Walmart. It almost made my visit tolerable. Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edjames Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Funny stories all today. Thanks for the pick-up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 From a secret location..... I am taking a few days of R&R at a undisclosed location with my good buddy from OHIO. My thanks to him for not only hosting me this weekend, but also for this weeks offering. Hope you have a great weekend. The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick fucker." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Have a great weekend!!!! Great guys/great locale. Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 A big, burly guy is standing at a bar. Next to him is a very cute twink. A few minutes pass and the burly guy leans over to the twink and says, "You remind me of my little toe." "Why?" asks the twink, "because I'm small and cute?" "No" replies the big guy, "I'll probably bang you on the coffee table when I'm drunk!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsGuy Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 So a Frenchman, Italian and a Brit are arguing about who are the greatest lovers. The Frenchman says: "We Fronch are zee greatest lurvers! When I make lurve to a man, I cover his body in champagne, then I lick zee champagne off his body bit by bit... It drives him crazee!" The Italian says: "No no! We Italians are zee greatest loverz! When I mek-a love to-a zee man, I cover his body with rose-petals, then I blow them off of his-a body with the lightest breath, one by one... It drives him crazy!" The Brit says: "Nah we Brits are the best lovers of men! When I've finished shaggin' me mate, I wipe me cock on the curtains!... It drives him crazy!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 From the vault...... Another funny clip from the classic CAROL BURNETT SHOW..... [video=youtube;PYzuchDBvCs] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans '1' Blaming your farts on me.... not funny... not funny at all !!! -------------------------------------------------- '2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! ------------------------------------------------- - '3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? -------------------------------------- ------------ '4 ' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! -------------------------------------------------- '5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. -------------------------------------------------- '6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. -------------------------------------------------- '7' Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! -------------------------------------------------- '8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. -------------------------------------------------- '9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? -------------------------------------------------- '10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous. I know it's Saturday, but I couldn't resist this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Another funny clip from the classic CAROL BURNETT SHOW..... [video=youtube;PYzuchDBvCs] [/color][/size][/font] Another classic from one of the great ones of all time and master of improv Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans '1' Blaming your farts on me.... not funny... not funny at all !!! -------------------------------------------------- '2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! ------------------------------------------------- - '3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? -------------------------------------- ------------ '4 ' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! -------------------------------------------------- '5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. -------------------------------------------------- '6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. -------------------------------------------------- '7' Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! -------------------------------------------------- '8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. -------------------------------------------------- '9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? -------------------------------------------------- '10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous. I know it's Saturday, but I couldn't resist this one. Have you been talking to my little buddy Longfellow? Exactly what I knoww he's saying. Proves that dogs are smarter than men Thanks Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) old reliable I don't why, but this one makes me laugh every time I see it. Even though I already know what's coming, I can help it about as much as Harvey Korman could. Edited February 27, 2012 by jackhammer91406 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ deej Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I don't why, but this one makes me laugh every time I see it. Even though I already know what's coming, I can help it about as much as Harvey Korman could. I saw Korman and Conway "in concert" a year or so before Korman's death. They traveled, mostly doing old skits from the Carol Burnett Show. The laughs came exactly where you'd expect. At some point, they'd ask the audience if they had a favorite for the evening's encore and the audience invariably shouted "THE DENTIST!" It isn't just you, pal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edjames Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Irish Passion An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'... 'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked. 'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..' It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' the poor dear exclaimed, 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?' 'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 The Polite Way to Pee During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edjames Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 I'll confess, I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, " tonights your lucky night. " We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 Both Countryboy's and Ed's posts made me laugh out loud. Thanks guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 i heard this on NPR yesterday: one fly says to another fly, "fly, your dude is down." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Morning sex He was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that he normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, he turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced him and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards he said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, his T-shirt still around his neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" He explained, "The egg timer is broken." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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