Friday Funnies

[seeker630]

Courtesy of my friend in the desert who returns soon to the desolate wastes of O.H. Oh. No.

 

With apologies to Eliza, Lerner & Lowe and what the hell George Bernard Shaw...Here is this weeks entry.

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,

subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

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Thanks for the weekly chuckles, Jackhammer!

 

My favorites are sarchasm, ignoranus & pokemon.

[jackhammer91406]

I liked Flabbergasted and Abdicate

[jackhammer91406]

Where's my remote?..........

 

Hitting the pause button…..

 

It was 20 months ago to the day that I started this thread. As I indicated in the first post, I was looking for a way to bring a little humor into my life and brighten up what was a dark and not very optimistic present and future.

 

At the time, I thought that the thread would disappear very quickly as most threads do.

 

Well, here we are, and here I still am. The present and the future look much different than they did those many dark months ago. Through all the down turns, set-backs, surgeries, treatments and struggles, this thread and my friendships from this board have been two of the constant positives in my life.

 

I am leaving next week for a month’s vacation and I am going to take that month off from posting on this weekly thread. Feel free to add something in my place. I hope you have enjoyed the stories, videos and cartoons as much as I have enjoyed posting them.

Here is this week’s offering……

 

When I was 5 years old my family got me up in front of the church social one Wednesday night and I performed this routine from memory. Once I got my first laugh I relaxed and the rest of the laughs got me hooked for life. At the end of the evening, folks asked me what I was going to be when I grew up and I proudly replied “I am going to be an actor”

My Grandmother (a mainstay of that church) announced to all that I was going to be a preacher. Oddly enough, we both turned out to be right.

Years later when I was working with him on an arc of several episodes of his hit series MATLOCK, I told Andy Griffith this story. He was very kind and laughed quietly. “Ray” he said, “If I had a 10% agent’s commission from everyone who had used that material to get started, I wouldn’t have to be doing this show”.

Point is, you can’t underestimate how much of an impact this piece of material had. It was tremendously popular and virtually started Andy’s career.

 

So here, in honor of the NFL draft this week, Andy Griffith performs one of his first standup routines…WHAT IT WAS, WAS FOOTBALL.

Enjoy.

[video=youtube;oNxLxTZHKM8]

[seeker630]

Hitting the pause button…..

 

It was 20 months ago to the day that I started this thread. As I indicated in the first post, I was looking for a way to bring a little humor into my life and brighten up what was a dark and not very optimistic present and future.

 

At the time, I thought that the thread would disappear very quickly as most threads do.

 

Well, here we are, and here I still am. The present and the future look much different than they did those many dark months ago. Through all the down turns, set-backs, surgeries, treatments and struggles, this thread and my friendships from this board have been two of the constant positives in my life.

 

I am leaving next week for a month’s vacation and I am going to take that month off from posting on this weekly thread. Feel free to add something in my place. I hope you have enjoyed the stories, videos and cartoons as much as I have enjoyed posting them.

Here is this week’s offering……

 

When I was 5 years old my family got me up in front of the church social one Wednesday night and I performed this routine from memory. Once I got my first laugh I relaxed and the rest of the laughs got me hooked for life. At the end of the evening, folks asked me what I was going to be when I grew up and I proudly replied “I am going to be an actor”

My Grandmother (a mainstay of that church) announced to all that I was going to be a preacher. Oddly enough, we both turned out to be right.

Years later when I was working with him on an arc of several episodes of his hit series MATLOCK, I told Andy Griffith this story. He was very kind and laughed quietly. “Ray” he said, “If I had a 10% agent’s commission from everyone who had used that material to get started, I wouldn’t have to be doing this show”.

Point is, you can’t underestimate how much of an impact this piece of material had. It was tremendously popular and virtually started Andy’s career.

 

So here, in honor of the NFL draft this week, Andy Griffith performs one of his first standup routines…WHAT IT WAS, WAS FOOTBALL.

Enjoy.

 

[/color][/size][/font]

 

Jackhammer,

Thanks for keeping this thread alive (and thanks to everyone who has contributed). I hope things are looking brighter than they did originally.

 

And thanks for this clip - although, as a North Carolinian (for almost 40 years), it's hard to imagine anyone BUT Andy Griffith doing it!

[leigh.bess.toad]

Jackhammer- on behalf of so many who have enjoyed this thread since it started, let me say thank you for all the joy and laughter you have brought so many of us. It is always something i look forward to every friday getting the email saying there is a new post in this thread. I have shared the jokes and stories with so many people beyond this forum. You will never know how many people you have touched.

 

It was certainly one of the highlights for me this year of Palm Springs weekend to meet you (can it be it was 5 weeks ago?). Many were disappointed that you were not able to make it last year. But we were all thrilled you were there this year, and doing well.

 

It is only appropriate to to start your vacation with an all time comedy classic.

 

Be well and enjoy your well deserved vacation.

 

And thank you.

[Guest countryboywny]

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

 

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

 

 

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.

 

 

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.

 

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

 

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

 

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

 

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

 

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.

 

 

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

 

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

 

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

 

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

 

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

 

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without any shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

 

Well, Shit Happens!!!

[+ deej]

A timely press release:

 

April 20, 2012

Hookers Downgrade US Credit Rating

Shortchanging by Secret Service Draws Strong Rebuke

 

 

NEW YORK – Days after Secret Service agents shortchanged a group of prostitutes in Colombia, the international trade group representing hookers downgraded the United States’ credit rating from AAA to B.

 

The strong rebuke from the International Alliance of Professional Escorts came after a Secret Service agent reportedly paid one of its members $30 for an $800 service, or only 4% of the stated price.

 

The statement from the International Alliance of Professional Escorts said that in downgrading the United States’ credit rating it was sending a clear message that its “members should be aware that doing business with the government of the United States carries with it a significant risk.”

 

“We are urging our members to avoid conducting transactions with the United States and to focus on more reliable customers, like the International Monetary Fund,” the statement added.

 

Just hours after the announcement from the escorts’ group, the U.S. Congress passed the following resolution blasting the Secret Service for its actions: “We strongly denounce the Secret Service for consorting with prostitutes, which has traditionally been Congress's role.”

 

But it was not all bad news this week for the Secret Service, which today reported a 500% jump in enlistment.

 

The agency said that enlistment offices across the country have been packed with prospective agents, including House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who abruptly dropped out of the Presidential race to join.

[KMEM]

I certainly remember this rendition by Andy Griffith. I think I had a 45 record of same at one time. Very funny, then and now.

 

Good luck to you on vacation and throughout life.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[leigh.bess.toad]

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

 

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

 

 

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.

 

 

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso.

 

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

 

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

 

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

 

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

 

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.

 

 

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

 

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

 

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

 

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

 

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

 

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without any shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

 

Well, Shit Happens!!!

 

Thanks countryboy. I'd love to share this with others, but I guess to do it, I'll have to get my shit together.

 

And Jackhammer's post of the great Andy Griffith routine made me think of the other great football routine. Actually football and baseball. From my all time favorite, George Carlin:

 

[video=youtube;qmXacL0Uny0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmXacL0Uny0

[jackhammer91406]

Thanks for posting this George Carlin routine. It was great to see it again.

[Bosguy]

You guys are truly what the Forum was meant to be. A group of men who find humor in life--no matter what.

 

Thanks,

 

Boston Bill

[edjames]

Ah, what the hek, here'sne to start out the week with a chuckle..

 

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know

where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,

Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam.

What in the world for.?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?'

 

 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.

What about her.?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges

against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[Bosguy]

Ah, what the hek, here'sne to start out the week with a chuckle..

 

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know

where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,

Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam.

What in the world for.?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?'

 

 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.

What about her.?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges

against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

Thanks Ed.

 

So cute! I can just picture the park setting.

 

Boston Bill

[gallahadesquire]

Thanks Ed.

 

So cute! I can just picture the park setting.

 

Boston Bill

 

Boston Public Garden, perhaps?

[Bosguy]

Boston Public Garden, perhaps?

 

That sounds good, but I was actually thinking about the TV show (can't remember the name or actors) but he was the dirty old man and she would hit him with her pocketbook (SNL with Arte Johnson and ????) I can picture it but can't come up with names.

 

Boston Bill

[+ deej]

That sounds good, but I was actually thinking about the TV show (can't remember the name or actors) but he was the dirty old man and she would hit him with her pocketbook (SNL with Arte Johnson and ????) I can picture it but can't come up with names.

 

Rowan and Martin's Laugh In. Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzi.

[Bosguy]

Rowan and Martin's Laugh In. Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzi.

 

Thanks deej. Great memories !!

 

Boston Bill

[Guest countryboywny]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50...

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

 

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

 

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

 

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

 

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Guest countryboywny]

Some funny stories from your friendly neighborhood MD..

 

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

 

 

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'

 

 

 

' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.

 

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

 

As a new, young male MD doing residency in OB,

I was quite embarrassed when performing female Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

 

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

 

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

 

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

 

 

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . .

.. . . . . . . . .

 

 

>

 

 

Baby's First Doctor Visit

 

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

 

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,

 

And being a little concerned, asked if the

Baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

 

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

 

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

 

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

 

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

 

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

 

But I'm glad I came.

[edjames]

The Zipper

 

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit

puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was

that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a

little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When

you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there

at attention?

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and

said, "No, no I didn't! All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a

couple of old duffel bags."

[Guest countryboywny]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said,“No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

[edjames]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

 

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year

old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

 

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was

charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public

intoxication.

 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his

way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know

how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around

for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

 

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut

a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was

really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

 

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an

approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer

Brenda Taylor approached him.

 

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.

'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

 

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached

Lawrence .

 

'I said: ' Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex

with a pumpkin??'

 

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he

looked me straight in the face and said:

 

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

[edjames]

It's been awhile since anyone has posted on this thread.

I hope we haven't forgotten to laugh...here are two that I hope bring a smile to start the week ahead.

 

A Biker Story

 

On January 9 a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

 

The Harley leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

 

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

 

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow!

 

George says "That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

 

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

 

 

The Dentist

 

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist.

 

She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

 

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"

 

" Because he is the First man that ever said to me....

....SPIT, don' t SWALLOW. "

[jackhammer91406]

Keeping active....

 

After 31 days, I feel refreshed and ready to go. I have never been in the eye of a tropical storm before, and that was an interesting experience.

My thanks to those who posted while I was gone.

Here is this week’s entry :

 

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

 

I described a typical day this way:

 

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".

 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

 

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shity golfer"

[jackhammer91406]

SIMPLE TRUTHS

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

 

Partners help each other undress before sex.

 

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

 

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

 

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

 

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

 

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

 

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

 

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

 

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

 

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

 

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

 

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

 

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

 

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

 

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

 

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

 

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

 

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

 

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.