Friday Funnies

[Bosguy]

He was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that he normally slept in.

 

As I walked in, almost awake, he turned to me and said softly,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

 

My eyes lit up and I thought,

"I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced him and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards he said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, his T-shirt still around his neck.

 

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

 

He explained, "The egg timer is broken."[/color][/size][/font]

 

One of my most memorable encounters with a working guy was both of us cooking a meal in the kitchen and alternating cooking with unbelievable sex in every part of the kitchen, including the table. Hot memory, but now everytime I think of it, I'll think of THE EGG TIMER!!!!

 

Thanks again

 

Boston Bill

[leigh.bess.toad]

The moral of the story never mess with an elderly woman. A gift from my partner.

 

Square Testicles

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

 

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

 

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

 

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

 

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

 

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

 

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

 

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

 

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

 

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

 

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!'

[jackhammer91406]

Who...What? ...I dunno.....

 

[video=youtube;Nti08LWtxJI]

[Bosguy]

[video=youtube;Nti08LWtxJI]

 

A true classic. Can you imagine learning those lines and being able to perform them?

 

I think Jackhammer and Oliver should recreate this skit in PS.

 

Boston Bill

[edjames]

Here is a butt load of Irish and not so Irish jokes. My apologies for those that have been posted before:

 

Married Irishman

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

 

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

 

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

 

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

 

 

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

----------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

__________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

----------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

 

Husbands are husbands

 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 

Let us pray

.....................

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And pass it on to other folk

[edjames]

Why Parents Drink.....

 

WHY PARENTS DRINK ...

 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but

had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with

one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone

number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?' The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your

Mommy there?'

'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss

asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss

asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through

the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering , the child answered, 'The search team just landed a

helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are

they searching for?'

 

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME.'

[jackhammer91406]

From a top secret undisclosed location...........

 

My thanks to EdJames for his very funny contribution this morning.

And now...from a top secret...undisclosed location. ....

 

 

 

Morris is at the bar with his parachute platoon after their first jump.

 

"Morris, we all landed real close to the target. Where were you?"

 

"Uh... when the light went on and you all went out the door, I didn't feel

ready."

 

"Didn't feel ready? What'd the sergeant say?"

 

"Oh, he had a fit. He was close behind me screaming, 'Troop, if you don't go

out that door I swear I'll shove this right up your ass!'"

 

"Wow. So did you jump?"

 

"Well, a little, at first."

[Kevin Slater]

What do you name a midget Mexican prostitute?

 

Consuelo

 

Kevin Slater

[Guest countryboywny]

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

 

EBay Scam:

 

 

 

Be careful what you purchase on eBay

 

-- Spent $50 on a penis enlarger -- Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

 

Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.

[Guest countryboywny]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

 

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

 

 

 

 

________________________________

[jackhammer91406]

What a drag it is gettin' old.........

 

HELL TO GET OLD...

Two medical students were walking along the street

when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was

stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Geriatric Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has

Rett Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we

learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the

old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,

but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two

fine medical students think."

 

The first student said, "I think it's Geriatric Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

 

The other student said, "I think you have Rett Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

 

So they asked him a bit sarcastically , "Well, old timer, what do you

have?"

 

 

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[MsGuy]

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating.

 

At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

 

The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."

 

"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

 

"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

 

"Thanks," he says, and leaves.

 

An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

 

"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.

 

An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."

 

"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"

 

"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."

 

"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"

 

Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.

 

"Tea time."

[jackhammer91406]

Invest a little time...

 

This takes a few minutes but I think you will enjoy it. Foster Brooks roasts Don Rickles

[video=youtube;FQgxS-R8TzA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQgxS-R8TzA&feature=related

[bigvalboy]

Good God Jack...I watched it 3 times....one of the funniest things I have ever seen...Those were the good ol days!!

We still need to hookup. Feel free to pm me and we should do lunch...best to you.

[Bosguy]

Once again, Thank you so much for instilling humor in our lives. SO IMPORTANT!!!!!!

 

Bigvalboy. I don't know if you're the new George Burns or Gracie Allen, but you are a breath of fresh air

 

Boston Bill

[bigvalboy]

Once again, Thank you so much for instilling humor in our lives. SO IMPORTANT!!!!!!

 

Bigvalboy. I don't know if you're the new George Burns or Gracie Allen, but you are a breath of fresh air

 

Boston Bill

 

Thank you for that BB....actually your comment reminded me of an error I made the other day. I had to chuckle to myself just now. After some heated words aimed at me from another member, I wanted to end it, so I said "say goodnight Gladys"...LOL It should have been "say goodnight Gracie"...I guess the point was made anyway, because I didn't hear anymore from him. But hey that show was along time ago, and I couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 at the time. LOL

 

Best to you my friend, BVB

[gallahadesquire]

Alternatively, "Say goonight, Dick"

 

but under those circumstances, that might not have been a good idea

[KMEM]

I enjoyed George Burns also and wished he had made it to the Paladium at 100. He almost did.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[edjames]

An "oldie, but goodie..."

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[bigvalboy]

edna replied, 'he didn't hang himself, i put him there to dry.. How soon can i go home?'

 

 

lol lol lol.....

[KMEM]

Amusing. Too bad Ralph didn't hang himself.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[jackhammer91406]

Husband down...aisle three

 

Husband Down...Aisle Three.

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Target.

 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

 

He never knew what hit him.

[bigvalboy]

Husband Down...Aisle Three.

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Target.

 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

 

He never knew what hit him.[/color][/size][/font]

 

Now see Jack...that is exactly why I never got married......well.....it's not the only reason, but you get the picture.

[Bosguy]

Now see Jack...that is exactly why I never got married......well.....it's not the only reason, but you get the picture.

 

It's never too late BVB. The Palm Springs guys will chip in and get you face cream and a case of bud. Anything for you

 

Boston Bill

[jackhammer91406]

Words..words..words...I'm so sick of words....

 

Courtesy of my friend in the desert who returns soon to the desolate wastes of O.H. Oh. No.

 

With apologies to Eliza, Lerner & Lowe and what the hell George Bernard Shaw...Here is this weeks entry.

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,

subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men