Friday Funnies

[+ deej]

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, ' Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

 

Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

 

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, ' Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

 

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

 

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

 

But still not a word...

 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

 

 

 

[scroll down for the punchline]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know..................."Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

[seeker630]

lol. Love it!

[jackhammer91406]

Days later and I am still laughing.

Thanks Deej.

[jackhammer91406]

Help when you need it...a quickie....

 

I saw a yard sign that said:

 

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

 

Out of curiosity, I did.

 

 

 

 

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[Bosguy]

I saw a yard sign that said:

 

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

 

Out of curiosity, I did.

 

 

 

 

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.[/color][/size][/font]

 

That just struck my funny bone and I can't stop laughing. It's amazing how some one or some thing jumps in when you're having a less than positive moment. I've enjoyed and look forward to this thread as part of my "Things I WANT to do List" Please keep it up. I can see why Oliver (one of the greatest men I ever had the privilege of meeting) thinks the world of you.

 

Bill K.

[jackhammer91406]

That just struck my funny bone and I can't stop laughing. It's amazing how some one or some thing jumps in when you're having a less than positive moment. I've enjoyed and look forward to this thread as part of my "Things I WANT to do List" Please keep it up. I can see why Oliver (one of the greatest men I ever had the privilege of meeting) thinks the world of you.

 

Bill K.

 

Bill,

Thanks for the kind words,

As I said when I first started this thread, laughter was a very important part of dealing with what was going on in my life. I mentioned at the time that friends had started sending me joke emails and that I would share them if anyone was interested. Well here we are almost a year later and I am still here AND I am grateful that you enjoy the thread. I confess I do look forward to posting something every week and will do so as long as people seem to enjoy it. One of my good friends who has been there through it all is my friend from Ohio (O.H.N.O.) Oliver. And in fairness, today's entry was one of the ones he sent me so I must give credit where it is due.

Again I thank you for your kind words of encouragement

Edited August 6, 2011 by jackhammer91406

[jackhammer91406]

From the vaults......

 

Funny thing happened at Costco

 

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Toby, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. ???????

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm somewhat mischievous and had a little extra time, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[leigh.bess.toad]

OMG. Jackhammer, that is one of the funniest things I've heard in ages. "I stepped off a curb to smell an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both". You ask a stupid question, sometimes you get a brilliant answer. And that was.

 

It's even better than the story that the deli man at my local grocery store told me. He had a lady one time in the store who was wondering why their Swiss cheese were all marked that they came from France. Well, he told her, it's a little known story. But it seems that shortly after Hitler invaded France, most of the best cheese makers in France escaped to Switzerland to get away from the German army. There they learned from the Swiss cheese makers how to make Swiss cheese. After they returned to France after the war, they continued making Swiss cheese. And now, most of the best Swiss cheese in the world comes from France. Today, somewhere walking around Richmond, there is a lady who I'm sure is still telling her friends about how the French cheese makers learned how to make Swiss cheese during WWII.

 

Thank you for such a hysterical end to the week.

[jackhammer91406]

Can't help but love old people

 

CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE !!!

 

 

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom,'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa .. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

 

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'

 

'Well,' says the skipper,'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her,

take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

 

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle,trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

 

Meanwhile,the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

 

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

[MsGuy]

A sample of Russian humor:

 

 

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying by the curb. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

 

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

 

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

 

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

 

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

 

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

 

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife, "Grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?"

 

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

[jackhammer91406]

Sometimes it's like that.......

 

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[seeker630]

Love it!

[Bosguy]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday. [/color][/size][/font]

 

Thanks for that hilarious tale. It was funny but when it got to the last line "Bob has been missing since Friday." it became hilarious and I lost it.

 

Needed it now. Double checking my hurricane survival list and realized I forgot the most important item---an oversexed hairy, horny, handsome, versatile hunk to keep me busy so I wouldn't worry!

 

Boston Bill

[jackhammer91406]

Those years add up....

 

Low Sperm Count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

"What happened" the doctor asked?

 

The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"

[edjames]

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses..... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_____________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

_____________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep..

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

 

"To get my teeth!"

 

__________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

 

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

 

 

 

 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

 

**********

Please !!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US

**********

[jackhammer91406]

The Doctor will see you now....

 

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . '

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab. '

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,

San Francisco

 

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient ' s anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,

Seattle , WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

 

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had

died of a 'massive internal fart.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up

appointment with his cardiologist, he informed

me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

One of his medications.

'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. ' The patch...

The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I 'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

 

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,

Norfolk , VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. . Bob replied.

 

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced

A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,

Detroit ,

 

 

7. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

 

I was quite embarrassed when performing female

pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

 

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .

' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down

her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

 

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener!'

 

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 MORE

 

 

Baby ' s First Doctor Visit

 

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

 

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed!' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

 

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

 

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk!'

 

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma!'

 

But I'm glad I came!

[leigh.bess.toad]

Thanks for the laughs Jackhammer. Being in a medical family, the last few have made their way around for quite a while, but they are still funny to think of. Put it this way -- you made my wife laugh.

[Bosguy]

Can't believe I'm a 60 something year old man sitting here howling laughing by myself to these stories. Now I know it's gonna be a great weekend.

 

Thanks so much for sharing.

 

Boston Bill

[jackhammer91406]

A Twofer

 

Because all you guys were so good this week...a Twofer...

 

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

 

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

 

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

 

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

 

 

She saluted her plane and drank the whiskey on the way down while watching her plane crash in the distance, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of

bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

 

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

And this..

 

NEVER LOSE YOUR GRANDSON

 

My grandson got lost at the mall.....

 

He approached a uniformed security officer and said,

"I've lost my Grandpa."

 

"What's his name?" the guard asked.

 

"Grandpa," the boy replied.

 

The guard smiled and then said, "What's he like?"

 

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then said,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

 

 

[edjames]

one more for the chuckle fest...

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing. "

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don 't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[justaguy]

LOL jk and ed, many thanks for the laughs. My mind was whirling several things the 4 yr. old could have said, none of them very appropriate.

[+ deej]

Eve chats with God.

 

"Lord, I have a problem."

 

"What is it, Eve?"

 

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

 

"And why is that Eve?"

 

"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

 

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

 

"Man? What is that Lord?"

 

"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. All in all he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger and faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, " but what's the catch?"

 

"Well,.....you can have him on one condition."

 

"And what's that Lord? "

 

"Well, since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret .. you know, woman to woman."

[jackhammer91406]

Life with Dad

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at her.

Every time the teenager looked up she would find my dad

staring at her. Every time. When the teenager had enough, she looked over at my dad and she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. He responded without batting an eyelid ....

 

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

[jackhammer91406]

Life with dad....

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at her.

Every time the teenager looked up she would find my dad

staring at her. Every time. When the teenager had enough, she looked over at my dad and she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. He responded without batting an eyelid ....

 

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

[Bosguy]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at her.

Every time the teenager looked up she would find my dad

staring at her. Every time. When the teenager had enough, she looked over at my dad and she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. He responded without batting an eyelid ....

 

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."[/color][/size][/font]

 

Thank you once again. I did not read this till a few minutes ago and I'm still sitting here with tears running down my face (was gonna say "cheeks" but you know how piggy Oliver can get) because it is exactly something my Dad would have said. I was actually at a Dunkin Donuts at the mall today and saw this young lady looking as you described and saying to myself "Thank God Dad's not Here" and then on the way home, I wished he had been.

 

Thanks for the most dependable bright spot in my week.

 

Boston Bill