seeker630 Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Vey funny! 'Man's best friend', indeed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiTown Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Very funny! 'Man's best friend', indeed! Thanks for the laugh countryboy . . . Great humor, I'll have to pass that one along! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greatness Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 lol.. Very funny... Are you guys coming up with these stories on your own? People can be so creative~~ Hugs~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justaguy Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 LOL, countryboy. That put a big smile on my face. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 Apologies to Georgians and Bamans..... I was born in Atlanta centuries ago so feel comfortable posting this offering for the Friday Funnies this week...... Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each!Trousers $2.50 each! "Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama ." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from South Alabama , ain't ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba..."How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry cleaners" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeker630 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Loved it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orbital sander Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 hehehe....that was clever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greatness Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks for bringing us something to laugh about at the end of every week. You are just so considerate. Hugs~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I know it isn't Friday yet, but I thought this was funny.. NAG, NAG, NAG... An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,--- 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Prostate exam Old Guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeker630 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I laughed out loud! Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greatness Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 That's funny.. Oh my that wife sounds like me a bit.. Ok I admit a lot. I have to change ~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greatness Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 That's so funny.. Hugs~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 IT AIN'T EASY BEING A DICK!!! http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/701496/80548108.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiTown Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks CB . . . too funny visualizing that one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiTown Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 It's not easy being a dick . . . Thanks Lee LMAO . . . "My best friend is a pussy"????? Well, not always! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiTown Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 "One ... Two... Three" I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ... [/color][/size][/font] Love it jackhammer! I'd probably do the same thing with my urologist if he'd only suggest it. He is kinda' hot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Old Blue A young cowboy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!” “That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.” So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. “So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks. “Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!” “Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!” “Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?” The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!” “I sure did, Dad!” “That’s my boy!” The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Three ladies in a sauna Three Ladies in a Sauna Three women, two younger and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound and the first young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished she explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The old woman finally smiled and said....."Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a FAX!" My thanks to all who have added some funny stuff here and to those who have sent me so many great jokes privately. Laughing helps.. definitely helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greatness Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Thanks jackhammer! You make my Fridays brighter~~~ Hugs~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well . . . You'll love this one. My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attendedmorgan park high school .. 'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride. When did you graduate?' i asked. He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?' you were in my class!', i exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMEM Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 LOL. Best regards, KMEM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Don't call the vet... A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' house and male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house, however, and believed that she could keep them apart; but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate. Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw" . "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me" he replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poolboy21409 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? OK..... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ deej Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Rectum stretcher While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait... The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, the n with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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