Friday Funnies

[jackhammer91406]

just when you think....

 

 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

 

 

They were determined to make this a real vacation

by not wearing anything that would identify them

as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed

for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,

shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning they went to the beach

dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..

They couldn't help but stare.

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

 

'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'

nodding and addressing each of them individually,

then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store

and bought even more outrageous outfits.

 

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

 

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'

 

and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

 

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

 

 

She replied 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

[happyguy2]

Thanks, that was hillarious!

[jackhammer91406]

Giving

 

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

 

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

 

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

 

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why would I give any to you?"

[Racketjock]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

 

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

 

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also."

 

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

 

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

 

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

 

"You'll really love my place

 

"The grass is almost a foot high"

[seeker630]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

 

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

 

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also."

 

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

 

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

 

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

 

"You'll really love my place

 

"The grass is almost a foot high"

 

lol. So much for depending on the kindness of strangers!

[leigh.bess.toad]

And in the category of what in the world were they thinking:

 

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2708/5807246183_8e8057e67e_m.jpg

[jackhammer91406]

Comebacks....

 

TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES

 

Number 1:

 

 

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

 

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

 

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

 

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

 

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

 

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

 

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

 

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

 

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

 

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

 

A: 'Yes, sir, .. I do.'

 

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

 

A: 'Yes, sir.'

 

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

 

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

 

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

 

 

 

Number 2:

 

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

 

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

 

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

 

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

[jackhammer91406]

for my friend in Ohio...

 

For my friend in Ohio...

 

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

 

 

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

 

 

Donald frowned and said, "No."

 

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

 

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

 

 

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

 

 

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

 

 

"Thit no!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

 

[+ Oliver]

For my friend in Ohio... The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" ... "Thit no!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

 

Thufferin Thucatash - I laughed mythelf thilly!

[jackhammer91406]

Recession...

 

 

Recession

 

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

 

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

 

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

 

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

 

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

 

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

 

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

 

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

 

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

 

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

 

And, finally....

 

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[seeker630]

Jackhammer,

Thanks for sharing! These gave ne a few chuckles, and i certianly needed them!

 

Have a great weekend!

[jackhammer91406]

letting your hair down.....

 

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, " wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

 

The second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

 

"I can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

 

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our convent, we call it catholic shampoo.

 

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

 

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

[+ deej]

Paddy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

 

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

 

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

 

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Paddy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak a word of his language.

 

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

 

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

 

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

 

To this day, poor Paddy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[Guest Rich.]

LMFAO Deej, you racist cunt!

 

Richard

[jackhammer91406]

Things to ponder....

 

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

 

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Number 8

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

 

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks or months, maybe even longer.

 

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when they fall down the stairs.

 

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

 

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut only saves you $30.00?

 

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[MichiganMan]

Pride of Gay Parents

Elton John and David Furnish wanted a baby. They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming. In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass"!!!

[jackhammer91406]

The Young and the ...old...

 

 

From a young perspective.....

 

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

 

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

 

Confused, the father asked the boy what was wrong.

 

The boy sobbed, " When I was six, I got the 'There is no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven I got the 'There is no tooth fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There is no Santa Claus' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I have nothing to live for."

 

 

And for the older perspective....

 

*** Adult Truths ***

 

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood..

 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call..

 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

 

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..

 

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

 

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

 

 

[+ deej]

A little mid-week chuckle from my inbox:

 

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

 

 

Can you cry under water?

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?

 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

 

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

 

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

 

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

 

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

 

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

 

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

 

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

 

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

 

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[MsGuy]

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

Damned if I didn't do that. You got me.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

DO NOT THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT.

 

Ah, the power of suggestion.

[leigh.bess.toad]

An Email that was forwarded to me today

 

When you have an

 

'I Hate My Job day'

 

 

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes

 

have those days]

 

Try this out:

 

Stop at your pharmacy and

go to the thermometer section. Purchase

a rectal thermometer made

by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get

 

this brand.

 

When you get home,

 

lock your doors,

draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone

so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing, and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the

thermometer.

Then, carefully place it on a table or a surface

so that it will not become chipped or broken.

 

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it

carefully.

 

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

 

"Every Rectal Thermometer

made by Johnson & Johnson

is personally tested

and then sanitized."

 

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

 

'I am so glad I do not work in

the thermometer quality control department at

Johnson & Johnson.'

 

 

 

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE

OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

 

 

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your

heart....

 

Maybe

you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

 

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

 

[jackhammer91406]

ba..dum..bump..rim shot

 

 

Provide your own rim shot after each of these....

 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and

Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got

married, did you?'

 

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

__________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my

Intelligence come from?'

 

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

 

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll

try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife

at all.'

 

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and

is really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you

will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on

you.'

 

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll

take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

 

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

 

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

 

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

 

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

 

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

 

Joe: 'Really?'

 

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and

asks him how he is feeling.

 

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

 

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

 

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display

of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since

I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's

advice.

 

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an

all-in-one?'

 

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

 

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished when there was a massive clap

of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by

even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked

at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[edjames]

ADMIN NOTE: Please strip email addresses when posting or forwarding an email. This is how SPAM spreads, and is a potential privacy violation.

 

To help beat the heat with a smile:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----

From: REDACTED

Sent: Fri, Jul 22, 2011 8:01 pm

Subject: FW: FRIDAY FUNNIES..........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jul 2011 08:31:57 -0700

From: REDACTED

Subject: Fwd: FRIDAY FUNNIES..........................

To:

 

 

 

--- On Fri, 7/22/11, REDACTED wrote:

 

 

From:REDACTED

Subject: Fwd: FRIDAY FUNNIES..........................

To: REDACTED

Date: Friday, July 22, 2011, 6:05 AM

Keep in mind I don't write these jokes, I just pass them around so we all can

have a few LAUGHS!! If you are easily offended by adult type jokes,

then please delete this page now!!

 

**************************************************************************

 

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is

curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound

for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

 

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis!

How have you been?"

 

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

 

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step

on it."

 

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see

you!"

 

"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and

walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

 

"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way

you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm

so glad you're back!"

 

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you.. Thank you very much!"

 

**************************************************

 

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny,

why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

 

Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes."

 

"Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon, they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they

making cigarettes too?"

 

"Yea," says Little Johnny.

 

Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to say,

"OK!"

 

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?"

 

Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, and then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it was a

Lucky Strike."

 

***********************************************************

 

An elderly couple were at home as the wife called out "So, when are you going to the doctor"

 

"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."

 

After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the doctors office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarrassing, but I'd like

to get a prescription for Viagra."

 

"Not a problem," said the doctor.

 

"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old and I haven't had sex in more than ten years. I only want it to

stick out a little so when I pee, it doesn't get on my shoes."

 

******************************************************

 

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side

lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

 

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

 

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

 

The cop stammered, "A what?

 

A rectum stretcher?

 

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.

work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

 

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

 

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

Traffic Ticket $95.00

 

Court Costs. $45.00

 

Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

 

************************************************

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

 

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition

because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

 

***************************************************

 

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

 

"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

 

The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me.

 

Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scared!"

 

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said:

 

"Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

 

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

 

*************************************************************************

 

A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests.

 

"It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days"

 

Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression.

 

His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly.

 

As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce.

 

Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes, and wins the golden jackpot of $7m.

 

He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins $100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards.

 

Weighed down with money, he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up! "Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!"

 

"No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56"

 

"Goddamn ! Now you've won the raffle!!"

 

*******************************************************

 

Have A Good Weekend !!!......

 

A Day Without Laughter Is A Day Wasted.

[edjames]

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her seventieth birthday, and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

 

She looked through the phonebook, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt. She figured, “What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.”

 

“Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?” (Oh my! He sounded sooo sexy!)

 

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right into her query: “Hi; I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait… I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements: toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?”

 

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

[jackhammer91406]

Oh no you didn't......

 

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house".

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

 

Well, she didn't really put it quite like that... she actually said: "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammad."