josephga Posted December 10, 2010 Share Posted December 10, 2010 http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb280/manssagebyjoe/DearSanta.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Slater Posted December 10, 2010 Share Posted December 10, 2010 The only time Rifkin and his wife experienced a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge handed them their divorce. (Woody Allen, Husbands and Wives) Kevin Slater Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 http://i965.photobucket.com/albums/ae139/DuchessIvanaKizznhugg/Humour/pullmyfinger.jpg http://i965.photobucket.com/albums/ae139/DuchessIvanaKizznhugg/Humour/whileyouwereout.jpg http://i965.photobucket.com/albums/ae139/DuchessIvanaKizznhugg/Humour/letstalkaboutjesus.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 and so it goes...... You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread. Here are few for today: Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. or this?....... Smartest Man in the World A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josephga Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Tiger's New Sponsor! http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb280/manssagebyjoe/Tigersnewsponsor.jpg You Can't Have Just One !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted December 24, 2010 Author Share Posted December 24, 2010 a more perfect union..... Hooker's Union Rules A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir" said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
instudiocity Posted December 29, 2010 Share Posted December 29, 2010 A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering from surgery, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a weak voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my Brother-in-law." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hunkymuscles Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread. Here are few for today: Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. or this?....... Smartest Man in the World A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." Funny stuff!! Just what I needed Rex ( SF) 415-666-2275 http://www.daddysreviews.com/review/raul_sf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Day late, and a dollar short... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.. Still here, still kicking and starting the NEW YEAR with renewed optimism...oh wait, I am old. Oh well. Here's something to make you chuckle.... Two drops of water Scotch with two drops of water A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN.... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD'IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN.... You are not sure these are jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh.bess.toad Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 A couple of patient stories submitted by doctors shared with me by Jerry (gp0560) who gave me permission to post them. Thanks Jerry 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.’ .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' ' A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed, ' she replied... 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' ‘I know,’ she said, ‘I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Here is one for today: [/color][/size][/font] Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. Coroner : "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct." Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?" Coroner: "Yes, it was." Verne: "That was my mulligan." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bcohen7719 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) An elderly billionaire loved with his wealth more than anything else. He had only three friends in the world, however: a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. One day the billionaire fell deathly ill. He gathered his three friends to his bedside and said: "I'm going to be different. I'm going to take it with me. I prepared a new will, in which it is outlined how my estate will be divided amongst you three equally. You are to take the cash, come by my grave one at a time in private, and throw the money into the grave on top of my body." Everyone agreed to this arrangement. The following day, the billionaire died. The funeral was held, and the billionaire's three friends were riding back home together in a luxurious limousine. Suddenly the priest cried out: "I can't take this guilt any more. I didn't throw the cash into the grave. Instead I'm making arrangements to give it all to my local parish." The minister then cried out: "Oh Lord! I'm doing exactly as yourself. I didn't throw the cash into the grave. I'm going to give it instead to my own local ministry." The rabbi cried out: "Gentlemen, I'm absolutely shocked and disgusted at both of you. I want you to know that I threw a check into the grave for the entire amount." BC Edited January 7, 2011 by bcohen7719 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
instudiocity Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 A priest, a minister and a rabbi were having coffee together when the subject of how to divide the collection each week between themselves and God. The priest said, "I take the collection to the parking lot, draw a circle around myself then through the collection in the air. Everything that lands inside the circle, I keep. Everything that lands outside, goes to God." The minister says, "I do the same thing, except, I keep what lands outside the circle, God gets what's inside the circle." The rabbi says, "Circle, Schmircle. I just through the whole collection up in the air. Whatever God wants He keeps and I take the rest." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 For all of you at work.. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the widsom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work, 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and, 5% on Friday. And help me to remember... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me. Amen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poolboy21409 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Story from The Washington Post several years ago: President Bush (#2) and the Pope were out on the Presidential Yacht on the Potomac for a dinner cruise. All of a sudden the wind picks up and blows the Pope's beanie off his head. Quickly, President Bush gets up, jumps overboard, walks across the water, picks up the Pope's beanie and walks back to the yacht, and returns the beanie to the Pope. next morning headline in the Post reads: BUSH CAN'T SWIM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Here we go...... Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.' Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?' Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.' And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest blake andrews Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 awesome stuff jackhammer, thanks for sharing. def gave me an lift on this lagging friday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justaguy Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Same subject matter, humor on the cruder side [video=youtube;B0D6tOSsHxw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0D6tOSsHxw&feature=player_embedded Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsGuy Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 hahahahaha OK, I admit it, I got no class. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
instudiocity Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Now that's a pictorial definition of SCAT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greatness Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 lol That is hilarious. I hope I don't do that when I sneeze. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 Throw Momma from the train....or Father Knows Best.. THE CREATION A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ azdr0710 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 Horoscopes from The Onion: You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place. Throwing a temper tantrum won't do you any good today. If you really want to go to the zoo that bad, just drive yourself. Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red. Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 I know today is Saturday, but I couldn't resist.. Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said >> " So why are you here ? " The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, " So what?s the vet going to do ? " " Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?" The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." " So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired. " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here? " I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry his toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on his back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?" The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyguy2 Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Thanks so much, I never saw it coming and laughed out loud! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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