Friday Funnies

[jackhammer91406]

A twofer today

 

A twofer today ....

 

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

 

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, & gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

 

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

 

Then grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.

 

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, & hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

 

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

 

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the crap out of me,' says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, & the therapist suggested I do "something sexy to a tractor."

 

 

and also...

 

 

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and

eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.

"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of

soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra,"

he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

 

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy

rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken

or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra.

I'm still not hungry."

 

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[jackhammer91406]

Deaf Wife

 

DEAF WIFE....

 

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought

she might need a hearing aid.

 

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to

discuss the problem.

 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could

perform to give the doctor a better idea bout her hearing loss.

 

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from

her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears

you.

 

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a

response.."

 

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in

the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what

happens."

 

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

No response..

 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife

and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

Still no response.

 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his

wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

Again he gets no response.

 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's

for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

 

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

 

 

 

"Ralph,... for the FIFTH time,... CHICKEN!"

[jackhammer91406]

Never assume that men understand....

 

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND!

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

 

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

 

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement..

 

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

 

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

 

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened..?!?' they cried.

 

The husband said, 'I'm not sure...

 

I think she might have choked.'..

[jackhammer91406]

Up is Down and Down is Up

 

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could

move apart and then slide back together again.

 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number … and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

 

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ....

 

'Go get your Mother.'

[Guy Fawkes]

Did we mention that we really, REALLY missed you in Palm Springs?

[+ deej]

Dear __________________

 

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

 

 

Dear Twilight Fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping

through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

 

 

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

 

 

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

 

Dear America ,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

 

 

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely,

Google

 

 

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

 

 

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,

That Little Triangle

 

 

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely,

Jack

 

 

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

 

 

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,

God

 

 

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely,

Unimpressed

 

 

Dear Michael Jackson,

You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but

the benefits....

Sincerely,

The Pope

 

 

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely,

Stevie Wonder

 

 

Dear Nickleback,

That's enough.

Sincerely,

The World

 

 

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,

Black people

 

 

Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely,

Joseph

 

 

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco....

Sincerely,

United States

 

 

Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely,

Parents Everywhere

 

 

Dear Anne Frank,

Two can play this game....

Sincerely,

Waldo

 

 

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely,

Superman

 

 

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon Ladies

 

 

Dear Americans,

I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care

benefits.

Sincerely,

Canadians

 

 

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely,

Al Gore

 

 

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

 

 

Dear Mr. Gump

WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells

you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....

Sincerely, Jenny

 

 

Dear Katy Perry,

I liked the kiss too.

Sincerely,

Justin Beiber

 

Dear Haiti ,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely,

Seriously Going To Hell

 

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What

now?

Sincerely,

Leonardo Di Caprio

 

 

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some

Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

 

 

Dear Snooki,

GET BACK TO WORK!

Sincerely,

Willy Wonka

 

 

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

 

 

Dear Twihards,

If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours Sincerely, Gay Men Of America

 

 

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of

shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

 

 

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,

Terrified

 

 

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

 

 

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

 

 

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here

first.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pepper

 

 

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin

[jackhammer91406]

I have it on good authority...

 

A Federal DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his shiny badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On your land; OR ON ANY LAND!!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand ME?!!"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up,

and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely

that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs ...

 

"Your badge, show him your BADGE..!!!!"

[jackhammer91406]

Why she's divorced....

 

 

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very

well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my

husband would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday!',

and possibly have a small present for me.

 

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will

remember.

 

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..

 

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

 

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick said,

'Good Morning lady and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

 

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,

'You know It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to

lunch, just you and me?'

 

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go!'

 

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we

normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

 

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said,

'You know, it's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the

office, do we?'

 

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

 

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

 

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,

'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

 

'OK.' I nervously replied.

 

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes...

 

he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

 

Followed by my husband..

 

my kids..

 

and dozens of my friends and co-workers...

 

 

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

 

And I just sat there....

 

On the couch....

 

Naked.

[gcursor]

Dear....

 

OH! I can play this game! Something fun I can work with...

 

Dear Freddy Krueger

F*** you!

The Care Bears

 

Dear Hope:

We don't think it's working out with you and we're splitting up with you!

Faith and Charity

 

Dear U.s. Senate:

If you DON'T solve this budget debate soon then I'll be forced to hold my breath until my face turns blue!

President Obama

 

Dear Honey:

You're old, fat and I want a divorce!

Mrs. Claus

 

Dear u.s.a.:

Why does everybody hate me and run from me? What have I done to deserve this?

Bigfoot

 

i'll be back with more...

 

 

 

 

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

 

 

Dear Twilight Fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping

through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

 

 

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

 

 

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

 

Dear America ,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

 

 

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely,

Google

 

 

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

 

 

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,

That Little Triangle

 

 

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely,

Jack

 

 

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

 

 

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,

God

 

 

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely,

Unimpressed

 

 

Dear Michael Jackson,

You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but

the benefits....

Sincerely,

The Pope

 

 

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely,

Stevie Wonder

 

 

Dear Nickleback,

That's enough.

Sincerely,

The World

 

 

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,

Black people

 

 

Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely,

Joseph

 

 

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco....

Sincerely,

United States

 

 

Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely,

Parents Everywhere

 

 

Dear Anne Frank,

Two can play this game....

Sincerely,

Waldo

 

 

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely,

Superman

 

 

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon Ladies

 

 

Dear Americans,

I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care

benefits.

Sincerely,

Canadians

 

 

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely,

Al Gore

 

 

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

 

 

Dear Mr. Gump

WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells

you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....

Sincerely, Jenny

 

 

Dear Katy Perry,

I liked the kiss too.

Sincerely,

Justin Beiber

 

Dear Haiti ,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely,

Seriously Going To Hell

 

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What

now?

Sincerely,

Leonardo Di Caprio

 

 

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some

Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

 

 

Dear Snooki,

GET BACK TO WORK!

Sincerely,

Willy Wonka

 

 

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

 

 

Dear Twihards,

If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours Sincerely, Gay Men Of America

 

 

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of

shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

 

 

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,

Terrified

 

 

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

 

 

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

 

 

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here

first.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pepper

 

 

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin

[seeker630]

Hilarious! Thanks for providing somethijng to lighten the mood!

[+ deej]

And I just sat there....

 

On the couch....

 

Naked.[/color][/size][/font]

 

One of the things I've always loved about that joke is that it's THISCLOSE to being an actual plot for an episode of "The Twilight Zone".

 

Can't you just hear Rod Serling telling the story?

[gcursor]

Dear.....

 

Dear Satan:

I'm on vacation for a week. You're on your own.

God

 

Dear Hollywood:

Seriously how many d*Mned Superman MOVIE re-makes do we need?!?!!?!

Movie Viewer

 

Dear Mickey Mouse:

God...I love you so much! Let's do lunch.

Bugs Bunny

 

 

Dear Justin Bieber:

You are NEVER allowed to use our name or any of our members in conjunction with you ever again.

The Cute & Adorable Organization

 

Dear Earth:

Man..you guys really fell for that December 2012 APril fool's joke! hahahahhaahahahahaha!

The Mayans

 

Dear Robin:

Would you PLEASE take my suit to the cleaners after you "use" it?

Batman

 

Dear Grim Reaper:

I'm sorry. You've contracted a fatal disease and you only have two weeks to live.

Your Doctor

 

 

OH! I can play this game! Something fun I can work with...

 

Dear Freddy Krueger

F*** you!

The Care Bears

 

Dear Hope:

We don't think it's working out with you and we're splitting up with you!

Faith and Charity

 

Dear U.s. Senate:

If you DON'T solve this budget debate soon then I'll be forced to hold my breath until my face turns blue!

President Obama

 

Dear Honey:

You're old, fat and I want a divorce!

Mrs. Claus

 

Dear u.s.a.:

Why does everybody hate me and run from me? What have I done to deserve this?

Bigfoot

 

i'll be back with more...

[gcursor]

I come to you today because of a very serious medical condition. We here at Gcursor Industries have discovered a condition we call CHRONIC SPOUSE SYNDROME. Did you know that 1 out of every 5 people are afflicted with this terrible disease?

 

This disease is something that affects men and women causing them very serious health problems ending in death. Here are some of the warning signs:

* inability to make decisions without spouse's approval

* constant need to talk over other spouse

* burning desire to want to be left alone when around spouse

* deep-seated need to want to have own "space" for own things

* total lack of willpower to do anything

* desire to create constant "honey-do" lists

* ability to finish each other's sentences or thoughts until the other spouse tells them to "Shut up!"

* total and COMPLETE disregard of common courtesies, clothing, and attitude when alone with the other spouse

* desire to never want to go home when the spouse is there

* constant need to work overtime to satisfy spouse's need for material goods

 

Remember this is a terrible disease! It robs men of the ability to go out with the boys every once in a while. Women no longer have the ability to go out to the beauty parlor or to go shopping. Further both sexes may also lose the desire to be attractive to any people around them (in essence, letting themselves go "all to hell" and my go to the grocery store in bunny slippers and the movies in a bathrobe).

[gcursor]

*this post meant for humor purposes only*

 

Dear Employees of ACME Corporation:

I think you will agree that the financial results we reported today shows that ACME continues to be a very strong company. This is despite the SEC investigation, FBI probe, bankruptcy, and rumors of executive pay abuse (none of which have been proven). While many jury trials are pending, we have turned the corner from shell corporations and shadow investments to looking towards the future.

 

The fourth quarter results we reported met or exceeded earnings estimates. However while exceeding earnings,we will have to report a loss of more than FOUR billion dollars in liquidity. This is a one-time loss to bring us back in line with Wall Street predictions.

 

Contract signings fell short of our target. This is in no way any one person's fault (well nobody that is still at the company, that is). Further it should be made clear that because of the rash of companies breaking contracts with us, we have decided to go to a "30-second" quickie contract option in addition to our regular contract offerings.

 

The company's success for this year and beyond will continue to depend on the creative talent we have in the accounting department and our ability to cut as many workers as possible without lowering employee morale. We want you to know that the employee cuts that we are talking about are NECESSARY and will be transparent on many teams. This means that most cuts will then be aimed at either upper-management or team leaders in general.

 

Remember that our success will depend on how much you believe in the company and how well you ignore any negative reports. Remember that just because somebody is led away in handcuffs does NOT necessarily mean that they are guilty of any crime. We STILL live in a nation where a person is judged innocent unless found guilty by a jury of his peers (if he can't afford a high-priced attorney team)

 

regards,

ACME Management

 

p.s. To further help in our cost-cutting efforts, we are hereby doing away with ANY electronic device whatsoever. Your help in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

[gcursor]

Dear Mom:

OH NO! I'm LOST again!

Waldo

 

Dear Lindsay Lohan:

Thanks for taking the spotlight off of me for a while!

Britney Spears

 

Dear Bird Singing Outside my Bedroom Window at 4 a.m:

You don't have a job, your kids don't talk to you and your parents hate you.

Not an early riser

 

Dear Conscience,

Please talk with intuition...You've p*ssed it off again!

Self

[jackhammer91406]

And then there's Golf....

 

If you have ever played the game of Golf, you may get a laugh from these. If you haven't played, there may still be a chuckle in here somewhere.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

 

GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

 

 

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle

of beer.

 

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

 

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

 

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip:

Your life is in trouble.

 

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

 

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase

'maul it again.'

 

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.

 

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

 

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

 

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

 

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

 

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

 

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

 

 

 

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05... Three times a day is possible.

#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

 

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

 

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

 

[jackhammer91406]

And that's the way it is......

 

 

 

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

 

 

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home...

 

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

 

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

 

'Yes, Nurse' he said,

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad..'

 

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

 

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

 

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part

hanging out of his pajamas.

 

He met Nurse Tracy.. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

 

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

 

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,

but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

 

 

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

 

Or perhaps this one....

 

 

 

The spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

 

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

 

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now...' I was impressed.

 

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

 

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

 

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

 

 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[jackhammer91406]

 

The priest in a small village had a rooster and ten hens

 

he kept in the hen house behind the church.

 

 

One Sunday morning, before mass, he

went to feed the birds and discovered

that the cock was missing.

 

 

 

He knew about cock fights in

the village, so he questioned

his parishioners in church.

 

During mass, he asked the congregation,

 

'Has anybody got a cock? '

 

 

All the men stood up.

 

 

 

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock? '

 

 

 

 

All the women stood up.

 

 

'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that

doesn't belong to them? '

 

 

 

Half the women stood up.

 

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock? '

Sixteen altar boys, two priests

and a goat stood up.

 

The priest fainted.

 

 

.

[+ deej]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with

two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its

fishing.

 

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

 

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses.

These here are my pet fish.'

 

'Pet fish?'

 

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim

'round for a while. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these

here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

 

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

 

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth

Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

 

'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

 

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After

several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

 

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

 

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

 

'Call who back?'

 

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

 

'What fish?,' replied the redneck. .............

 

Moral of the story:

 

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, BUT we ain't as dumb as

government employees.

 

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone

retiring and moving north.

[jackhammer91406]

On Saturday...

 

Sorry about the delay...I am on vacation and honestly I lost track of the days.

Anyway.....

 

The Paint Can

 

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new

parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

 

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the

church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was

crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

 

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor

inquired.

 

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to

abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied

sadly.

 

The pastor asked him what happened.

 

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to

abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but

with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however,

was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the

Bible, or anything to keep our

Minds free of carnal thoughts.

 

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have

panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with

her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

 

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our

church," stated the pastor.

 

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Lowe's anymore, either."

[jackhammer91406]

Priorities...

 

Dear Abby

 

 

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls." When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my TaylorMade R11driver. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

 

Signed,

Concerned Golfer

[Rod Hagen]

That's really funny.

[Guest countryboywny]

A man goes into Barnes & Noble and asks the young assistant,

>

>

> "Do you have the new book for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

>

>

> She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

>

>

> "That's the one," he says. " I'll take a copy."

[jackhammer91406]

Helping out......

 

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

 

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

 

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

 

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Racketjock]

Loved it, Jackhammer!