*this post meant for humor purposes only*
Dear Employees of ACME Corporation:
I think you will agree that the financial results we reported today shows that ACME continues to be a very strong company. This is despite the SEC investigation, FBI probe, bankruptcy, and rumors of executive pay abuse (none of which have been proven). While many jury trials are pending, we have turned the corner from shell corporations and shadow investments to looking towards the future.
The fourth quarter results we reported met or exceeded earnings estimates. However while exceeding earnings,we will have to report a loss of more than FOUR billion dollars in liquidity. This is a one-time loss to bring us back in line with Wall Street predictions.
Contract signings fell short of our target. This is in no way any one person's fault (well nobody that is still at the company, that is). Further it should be made clear that because of the rash of companies breaking contracts with us, we have decided to go to a "30-second" quickie contract option in addition to our regular contract offerings.
The company's success for this year and beyond will continue to depend on the creative talent we have in the accounting department and our ability to cut as many workers as possible without lowering employee morale. We want you to know that the employee cuts that we are talking about are NECESSARY and will be transparent on many teams. This means that most cuts will then be aimed at either upper-management or team leaders in general.
Remember that our success will depend on how much you believe in the company and how well you ignore any negative reports. Remember that just because somebody is led away in handcuffs does NOT necessarily mean that they are guilty of any crime. We STILL live in a nation where a person is judged innocent unless found guilty by a jury of his peers (if he can't afford a high-priced attorney team)
regards,
ACME Management
p.s. To further help in our cost-cutting efforts, we are hereby doing away with ANY electronic device whatsoever. Your help in this matter will be greatly appreciated.