Friday Funnies

[bigvalboy]

Gay marriage and marijuana were legalized in the State of Washington on the same day.

 

Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

 

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

 

Very cute EJ....

[+ deej]

Gay marriage and marijuana were legalized in the State of Washington on the same day.

 

Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

 

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

 

George Takei (yeah, that one) posted on twitter:

 

"Two states legalize marijuana and the maker of Twinkies goes out of business. Now that's IRONY!"

[jackhammer91406]

PARAPROSDOKIANS a word to remember...it will make you look smart!

 

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS...(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

 

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put ' DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen

26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. Amen again !

[seeker630]

Lots of good ones here. My favorite (at the moment) is

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

 

(I love to cuddle! )

[Guest countryboywny]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asked:

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much increase do you want?"

[Lohengrin1979]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asked:

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much increase do you want?"

 

LOL. Fantastic.

[Bosguy]

Thanks guys for the usual great end to a week and the beginning of a fun weekend!

 

Boston Bill

[Guest countryboywny]

I know it's Saturday, but...

 

The Afghan Quarterback

 

 

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"

[edjames]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.....

I noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked,

"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them turned to me and screamed,

 

"It's WALES , you IDIOT!!"

 

So, I immediately apologized, and said,

"Sorry,....

 

Are you two whales from Scotland ?"

 

That's all I remember.....

[bigvalboy]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.....

I noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked,

"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them turned to me and screamed,

 

"It's WALES , you IDIOT!!"

 

So, I immediately apologized, and said,

"Sorry,....

 

Are you two whales from Scotland ?"

 

That's all I remember.....

 

Very cute EJ...I needed a smile this morning.

[+ azdr0710]

these are some of the best jokes I ever hear....thanks to all who contribute.....very sharp stuff....

[leigh.bess.toad]

Shared with me this morning by my favorite now-retired escort:

 

"Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

 

[edjames]

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back".

[MsGuy]

Shared with me this morning by my favorite now-retired escort:

 

"Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

 

 

hahahahahahaha...

[Guest countryboywny]

Amish lady driver

 

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you

that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be

dangerous."

 

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it

as soon as I return home."

 

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is

wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to

animals so you should have your husband check that too."

 

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

 

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about

the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

 

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong

with the emergency brake."

[jackhammer91406]

Pretty good chuckle, thanks.

I can't top that this week, so thanks for posting.

[Guest countryboywny]

I know it isn't Friday yet, but I thought this was funny.. a little Holiday Cheer!

 

 

Dear Santa,

 

How are you and Mrs. Claus? I hope the reindeer and the elves are fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.

I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

 

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Timmy,

 

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Regarding your requests, Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. You have indeed been a good boy, but I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

 

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Mr. Claus,

 

In that you have acknowledged my performance of my side of the "naughty vs. nice" contract, required by you I might add, I feel confident that you will perform your side. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who gets out only once a year is a bit trite?

 

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mr. Jones,

 

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in court.

 

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help burn off some of that blubber.

 

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Now look here Fat Man,

 

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we gonna be waitin fo yo fat ass and I'm takin my game console, my game, my phone, and whateva else I want. WHAT EVER I DAMN WELL WANT, MAN!

 

T-Bone

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Listen Lard Ass,

 

Seriously?? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a little g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal?

 

I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your Mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp your little ass. Chew on that, Petunia.

 

S Clizzy

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Santa,

 

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

 

Timmy

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

Timmy,

 

That's what I thought, you little rat bastard.

 

Santa

[bigvalboy]

I know it isn't Friday yet, but I thought this was funny.. a little Holiday Cheer!

 

 

Dear Santa,

 

How are you and Mrs. Claus? I hope the reindeer and the elves are fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.

I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

 

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Timmy,

 

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Regarding your requests, Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. You have indeed been a good boy, but I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

 

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Mr. Claus,

 

In that you have acknowledged my performance of my side of the "naughty vs. nice" contract, required by you I might add, I feel confident that you will perform your side. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who gets out only once a year is a bit trite?

 

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mr. Jones,

 

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in court.

 

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help burn off some of that blubber.

 

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Now look here Fat Man,

 

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we gonna be waitin fo yo fat ass and I'm takin my game console, my game, my phone, and whateva else I want. WHAT EVER I DAMN WELL WANT, MAN!

 

T-Bone

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Listen Lard Ass,

 

Seriously?? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a little g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal?

 

I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your Mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp your little ass. Chew on that, Petunia.

 

S Clizzy

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Santa,

 

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

 

Timmy

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

Timmy,

 

That's what I thought, you little rat bastard.

 

Santa

 

 

Sounds just a tad bit like the posts on the forum.....

[bcohen7719]

Hi Guys,

 

Not sure if this thread accepts videos. If not

my apologies.

 

BC

 

[video=youtube;IJNR2EpS0jw]

[Guest countryboywny]

OK.. It's Friday!!

 

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

 

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

 

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Bosguy]

OK.. It's Friday!!

 

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

 

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

 

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

Never would have figured out the punchline. Demonstrate it at the DC Eagle in January.

 

Boston Bill

[edjames]

Against my better judgement I'll warn you that these are racist, sexist, offensive, and every other adjective you can think of. Read on at your own risk!

 

 

Completely Inappropriate Jokes

______________________________________________

 

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

______________________________________________

 

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....

It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"

______________________________________________

 

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.

_____________________________________________

 

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.

In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

____________________________________________________

 

My wife just came in and said,

"I don't know if I am coming or going.

"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're

going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

____________________________________________________

 

I saw a fortune teller the other day.

She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

_____________________________________________________

 

 

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

____________________________________________________

 

What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?

ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!

[+ Lucky]

Jackhammer must be continually surprised at what a big hit this thread has been. Good work, jackhammer! No one else has made the board laugh as much as you have...now don't take that the wrong way!

[jackhammer91406]

It's OK Lucky, people have been laughing at me for years. I am used to it.

[jackhammer91406]

Three Hookers

 

As we come up on Christmas, I thought it appropriate to give out gifts. My gifts aren't as sweet as Oliver's cookies, but they are tasty. So to everyone my gift to you for the coming year is three hookers; Ho, Ho, Ho. And to all a good night.

Merry Christmas ( I am a gentile, so Happy Holidays to all the rest).

 

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer?

 

Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer.

 

Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.

 

Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten.

 

The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer.

 

Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song!