When a masseur’s personal life overlaps with yours

[+ 7829V]

I have two providers I see for sensual massage, HE, and a little more, but not penetrative sex.

One of them I met when he was single. Later he had a live-in girlfriend and they had a kid. He mostly shares stuff about his kid with me, shows me pictures, etc. I know he’s now in another LTR with another woman. Fine — that’s his personal life. I don’t ask much about the GF, and he doesn’t share much about her. Every now and then, I’ll give him a gift card for his kid’s birthday, and it’s all cool. The boundaries have always felt pretty clear.

Then I have another masseur I’ve been seeing for a few years. He’s had several GFs over the years I’ve known him, but again, I don’t really ask about them.

Recently he told me his current GF is pregnant and they’re expecting a baby. I congratulated him, of course. He shared their baby shower registry with me, and I sent them a few gifts. All cool.

But then something happened that made me unexpectedly uncomfortable.

He and his GF sent me thank-you notes. Not just a generic “thanks for the gifts,” either — they wrote quite a bit and made the notes pretty personal.

And suddenly I thought: Wait. His GF knows who I am.

I’m assuming she doesn’t know the full nature of what happens during our sessions, and obviously I have no idea what he has or hasn’t told her. But until then, I had always thought of myself as a private client in one very separate part of his life. Now, somehow, I’ve crossed over into his family life enough that his GF knows my name, knows I sent gifts, and is personally writing to thank me.

To be clear, I’m not bothered that he has a GF or that they’re having a baby. I was genuinely happy for him and wanted to send them something. What made me uneasy was realizing that these two worlds apparently aren’t as separate as I thought they were.

Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it changed the dynamic a little for me.

Would this make anyone else uncomfortable? If you see a masseur where the sessions go beyond a regular massage, do you expect some level of separation between that relationship and his partner/family life? Or once I chose to send gifts from their registry, did I basically open that door myself?

[la_connor]

Birthday cards for the kids? Baby shower gifts? You're not an anonymous client. 

[rickster]

36 minutes ago, 7829V said:

Or once I chose to send gifts from their registry, did I basically open that door myself?

Yes

[nomad]

It's pretty standard practice to send thank you notes for wedding and baby shower gits.  That they personalized it is a nice personal touch.  Don't read too much into it.  They are just saying thank you for your gifts.  With all the weddings and baby shower I have gone to over the years, if I thought it was anymore than simple courtesy, I wouldn't have any friends left.  

[+ KensingtonHomo]

Yes, you outed yourself to the GF. Men never run those things except maybe in a gay couple. 

It wouldn't make me uncomfortable. We have a provider who is bi and he talks about his GF sometimes. 

 

[Petris Sage]

You are overthinking this.  Try to relax. Limit your focus to your relationship with the masseur, to the time you spend together with him.  Enjoy his company and the connection you have with him.  Everything else is just overthinking. 

Hugs from another overthinker. 

Petris

 

 

 

[big-n-tall]

Yes, you definitely opened the door and blurred the client/provider relationship. I'm not sure exactly what you're worried about or what's stressing/making you uncomfortable. Is it just that fact she knows about you?

She did a very sweet thing, they both did, in writing a thank you letter for the sweet thing you did for their impending kid. Echoing @Petris Sage take it for what it is... a kind gesture and move on and enjoy the services he provides. 🙂

[dcguy20]

I'm impressed that you got a handwritten thank you note. 

[nomad]

37 minutes ago, dcguy20 said:

I'm impressed that you got a handwritten thank you note. 

Anything written is a dying art form.  I wrote a note last week and couldn't believe my penmanship.  The Catholic nuns who taught me to write would make me do 100 Hail Mary's if they saw how bad it is now.  All the lovely corners and curves on the letters are no where to be seen.  🙈

[nomad]

Our phones have made us dumber and our basic skills worse.  

[Spikeguy]

Two straight masseurs who get frisky what city lol?

[marylander1940]

6 hours ago, 7829V said:

I have two providers I see for sensual massage, HE, and a little more, but not penetrative sex.

One of them I met when he was single. Later he had a live-in girlfriend and they had a kid. He mostly shares stuff about his kid with me, shows me pictures, etc. I know he’s now in another LTR with another woman. Fine — that’s his personal life. I don’t ask much about the GF, and he doesn’t share much about her. Every now and then, I’ll give him a gift card for his kid’s birthday, and it’s all cool. The boundaries have always felt pretty clear.

Then I have another masseur I’ve been seeing for a few years. He’s had several GFs over the years I’ve known him, but again, I don’t really ask about them.

Recently he told me his current GF is pregnant and they’re expecting a baby. I congratulated him, of course. He shared their baby shower registry with me, and I sent them a few gifts. All cool.

But then something happened that made me unexpectedly uncomfortable.

He and his GF sent me thank-you notes. Not just a generic “thanks for the gifts,” either — they wrote quite a bit and made the notes pretty personal.

And suddenly I thought: Wait. His GF knows who I am.

I’m assuming she doesn’t know the full nature of what happens during our sessions, and obviously I have no idea what he has or hasn’t told her. But until then, I had always thought of myself as a private client in one very separate part of his life. Now, somehow, I’ve crossed over into his family life enough that his GF knows my name, knows I sent gifts, and is personally writing to thank me.

To be clear, I’m not bothered that he has a GF or that they’re having a baby. I was genuinely happy for him and wanted to send them something. What made me uneasy was realizing that these two worlds apparently aren’t as separate as I thought they were.

Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it changed the dynamic a little for me.

Would this make anyone else uncomfortable? If you see a masseur where the sessions go beyond a regular massage, do you expect some level of separation between that relationship and his partner/family life? Or once I chose to send gifts from their registry, did I basically open that door myself?

Now at least you know you're hiring a real straight guy!

Never heard so much talking about baby mamas in this forum before!

The only thing a masseur or an escort should have about you is the number you use  contact them to schedule a session and maybe your real name!

 

 

[marylander1940]

4 hours ago, big-n-tall said:

Yes, you definitely opened the door and blurred the client/provider relationship. I'm not sure exactly what you're worried about or what's stressing/making you uncomfortable. Is it just that fact she knows about you?

She did a very sweet thing, they both did, in writing a thank you letter for the sweet thing you did for their impending kid. Echoing @Petris Sage take it for what it is... a kind gesture and move on and enjoy the services he provides. 🙂

I think OP @7829V is concerned about lack of privacy and too much information sharing with (baby mamas and maybe others) in a business transaction that is edgy to say the least.

Are they keeping records of every encounter including what happens? 

 

[ConnorLA909]

This is the same thing as paying with your full name disclosed via Zelle, Venmo or PayPal. And we think it’s normal than just paying cash …. until shit happens. While this is a nice hobby, anonymity should always be prioritized. 

[ACluelessGent]

4 hours ago, nomad said:

Anything written is a dying art form.  I wrote a note last week and couldn't believe my penmanship.  The Catholic nuns who taught me to write would make me do 100 Hail Mary's if they saw how bad it is now.  All the lovely corners and curves on the letters are no where to be seen.  🙈

Same. I forgot how to handle a pen.

[nomad]

29 minutes ago, ACluelessGent said:

Same. I forgot how to handle a pen.

I actually got a blister on my middle finger from writing a thank you card last week.  Had forgotten how to hold the pen properly. 😱

[Mark_fl]

As others have said, you blurred the lines yourself. A gift card for his child was nice, but a little odd. When the mother asked who got it for him, he may have just said a regular client.

As for the registry, how did you get the list? Did you ask for the link? Very odd that he would just send it to you, asking for a gift.

Again, the thank you card is customary. Doesn't mean she knows who you are, or that you just aren't a regular client who turned into a friend. Does she even know he's bi and does extras for some money? 

I have more questions than answers here.

[jawjateck]

The personal thank you surprised me. I don’t receive them anymore. 😒

[+ 7829V]

Thanks for all the feedback and replies!

Some clarification, since I think a couple of things got mixed together. These are two different masseurs and two different situations.

Masseur A — He has a child, and every now and then I’ve given him an Amazon gift card for his kid’s birthday. He is no longer with the mother of his child and is currently in another relationship. And that’s basically it. I don’t know much about his relationship, nor do I need to. We have our sessions, we enjoy each other’s company, and that’s it. I don’t even initiate texts with him. When he’s going to be in my area, he gives me a heads-up and we meet. Our sessions are usually around 2.5 hours. The boundaries there have always felt pretty clear to me.

Masseur B — This is the one expecting a baby. He sent me the link to their baby registry; I didn’t ask him for it. I picked out a few gifts, which were delivered to the home he shares with his GF. I thought that would be the end of it, other than maybe a quick thank-you text. I never ask about his GF or their relationship. We talk about other things in his life — how his parents are doing, work, etc. — but I deliberately stay away from his romantic life.

And yes, I completely understand the point several of you are making: by sending gifts from the registry, I opened that door myself. I’m not suggesting that his GF did anything wrong by sending me a thank-you note. Quite the opposite — it was thoughtful and gracious.

What surprised me was my own reaction to it. Because our sessions are pretty sensual, receiving such a detailed and personal note from his GF suddenly made those two worlds feel much closer together than I was comfortable with. I’m almost certain she doesn’t know the nature of our sessions, although obviously I don’t know what he has or hasn’t told her. That realization made me feel a little bad for her and, frankly, a little uncomfortable.

So I think some of you are right that I blurred the line myself without really thinking through what that might mean. Lesson learned. 😂

For me, the less I know about that part of his personal life, the better. I’m perfectly comfortable with the relationship I have with him; I just don’t want his personal life and my relationship with him to collide.

[+ sniper]

I presume this guy is actually licensed and thus his gf knows he does that. But unless she is "in the biz" herself she probably doesn't know about the extras. And if she does she doesn't seem to care, so don't worry about it.

[+ 7829V]

15 minutes ago, sniper said:

I presume this guy is actually licensed and thus his gf knows he does that. But unless she is "in the biz" herself she probably doesn't know about the extras. And if she does she doesn't seem to care, so don't worry about it.

Thanks for the feedback. 

Yeah, he’s a personal trainer and massage therapist, so I’m sure she knows about that part of his work. Whether she knows about the extras, I have no idea, and honestly I’d rather not know. 😂

[ACluelessGent]

So is she a certified personal trainer + a certified physiotherapist or an escort too?

[viewing ownly]

All in all, if your dynamic with the masseurs remain enjoyable, being concerned with your generosity towards them shouldn't matter. Enjoy them while you can. 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

3 hours ago, 7829V said:

Because our sessions are pretty sensual, receiving such a detailed and personal note from his GF suddenly made those two worlds feel much closer together than I was comfortable with. I’m almost certain she doesn’t know the nature of our sessions, although obviously I don’t know what he has or hasn’t told her. That realization made me feel a little bad for her and, frankly, a little uncomfortable.

At the risk of this being an unpopular opinion, I would be very uncomfortable having a sexual encounter with a man whose partner is in the dark. If she doesn't know, he is betraying her trust. I don't know what you do with him - but having come of age at the peak of the AIDS crisis, transparency in relationships is critically important. I don't care what arrangements people make - open relationship, play together, throuple - it's all good to me. But cheating on a partner, particularly engaging in acts that can transmit STIs (maybe you don't - it's unclear), is just wrong. It's why I've never understood people can cheat on their spouses with friends or even siblings. I'd just feel horrible the whole time. 

[CuriousByNature]

Next, you'll be baby-sitting for them... lol.