Too Polite

[BCMan]

I do not hire often, but whenever I do, I always switch into “host” mode and treat my escort as a “guest”. It’s just how I was brought up! I see him as company. Of course I want to treat everyone with the respect they deserve. But it can get in the way of asking for things I might like for fear of offense. Or worse, I ask them what they would like. I still generally have a good time, it’s just always a weight on my shoulders.Anybody else have this trouble? I’d love to hear from providers and clients who might have thoughts on this. Thanks!

[+ PhileasFogg]

I always tell them in advance, whether traveling or at my home…they will be afforded the respect of a guest and their comfort will be my responsibility.

Its not a weight because I screen them In advance through video call and I ask them to research the city for anything they’d love to see/do   That makes it a shared burden but still skewed toward me

It’s my nature as well and I’d not have it any other way 

Edited Sunday at 09:06 PM by PhileasFogg

[+ FLOutdoors]

I’m the same! When I meet a provider that I like, and in a hotel room, I typically bring favorite beverages and snacks….and if I host at home for my favorite guy, I go grocery shopping and take him sightseeing! It gives me pleasure to see the guys I like a lot happy! And they in turn want to see me again, and probably gives me priority status on availability!

Edited Sunday at 09:28 PM by FLOutdoors

[mtaabq]

@BCMan I’m not quite sure I understand your query … and I’ll freely admit I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. Are you talking about offering your provider refreshment? Or are you referring to requests that you might make in the bedroom? 

[BCMan]

17 minutes ago, mtaabq said:

@BCMan I’m not quite sure I understand your query … and I’ll freely admit I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. Are you talking about offering your provider refreshment? Or are you referring to requests that you might make in the bedroom? 

I was not very clear. My first meet up with a new friend is usually just for drink drinks and or dinner. Nothing more. After that, it’s easily half a day to a couple of days.  Always at my hotel. I get them their own room if it is overnight. I do stock it with snacks and drinks if they’ve told me what they like. But during the day I always have running around in my head “are they enjoying themselves, are they having a good time?” I always ask them for input into lunch and dinner and daily activities. And I enjoy doing all of that. And I do like to see them happy. But I always have a nagging thought in the back of the head, “are they enjoying themselves? What else should I be doing?” and that can sometimes interfere with my asking them For some more private things I might enjoy doing with them or to them that I’m not sure about. 

[Aamir]

6 minutes ago, BCMan said:

I was not very clear. My first meet up with a new friend is usually just for drink drinks and or dinner. Nothing more. After that, it’s easily half a day to a couple of days.  Always at my hotel. I get them their own room if it is overnight. I do stock it with snacks and drinks if they’ve told me what they like. But during the day I always have running around in my head “are they enjoying themselves, are they having a good time?” I always ask them for input into lunch and dinner and daily activities. And I enjoy doing all of that. And I do like to see them happy. But I always have a nagging thought in the back of the head, “are they enjoying themselves? What else should I be doing?” and that can sometimes interfere with my asking them For some more private things I might enjoy doing with them or to them that I’m not sure about. 

Years ago my therapist and I worked on a similar issue. He really helped my recognize that for many gay people, people-pleasing stems from growing up in environments where acceptance felt conditional. It is a survival mechanism—often called a "fawn response"—developed to stay emotionally and physically safe by predicting others' moods, hiding authentic feelings, and avoiding potential rejection.

Hiring escorts,  as opposed to regular hookups  actually helped me get more comfortable asking for what i want.  I still have a few survive memories of providers essentially saying "eew no!" But it's gotten better in my head.

[+ FLOutdoors]

14 minutes ago, BCMan said:

I was not very clear. My first meet up with a new friend is usually just for drink drinks and or dinner. Nothing more. After that, it’s easily half a day to a couple of days.  Always at my hotel. I get them their own room if it is overnight. I do stock it with snacks and drinks if they’ve told me what they like. But during the day I always have running around in my head “are they enjoying themselves, are they having a good time?” I always ask them for input into lunch and dinner and daily activities. And I enjoy doing all of that. And I do like to see them happy. But I always have a nagging thought in the back of the head, “are they enjoying themselves? What else should I be doing?” and that can sometimes interfere with my asking them For some more private things I might enjoy doing with them or to them that I’m not sure about. 

You should not hesitate in asking for the pleasurable things that you want and like. It sounds like you treat these guys well, and you’re the paying client, so I would not hold back on your asks in bed!

[Mark_fl]

You are not alone. I always make sure there are some refreshments available, and ask what they like in addition to telling them what I want in bed. I do want them to enjoy themselves as much as possible, even if they are the provider. It might make it easier to act like their into it when they aren't  ;).

I also sent a provider some information about attractions and restaurants in a town we were visiting so he could give some input and maybe look forward to something he wanted to do. I think its just part of being human to be kind to people you are spending time with, even if they are being paid to be nice to you.

[mtaabq]

@BCMan thank you for that follow up.

Working in reverse, do not be shy about asking for what you want. I want to believe that most of these guys are pros and they have heard it all before. When I struggled once to ask for what I wanted my provider said to me, “Michael - a closed mouth does not get fed.” Solved that problem. And it gave me a great deal of confidence to ask for what I want. From him and from others. 

Moving on, you provided your provider with a comfortable, clean hotel room and stocked it with drinks & snacks. I feel safe in saying that - most likely - they ARE enjoying themselves. Don’t worry about it - and don’t feel like you have to do more. From my own life I can tell you that I spent years making “grand gestures” only to discover that it was the smaller ones that meant the most to the recipient. You are kind to consider your provider’s preferences and tastes when choosing restaurants, but do not lose sight that the provider wants YOU to be happy, also. (Case in point - I was once accompanied by a vegetarian to a steakhouse.)

I think you’re a very kind person to be so gracious concerning your provider’s needs and wants. I hope your providers take care of you as well as you care for them. 

[BCMan]

Great feedback everybody. Thanks!

[SecretProvider]

3 hours ago, BCMan said:

it can get in the way of asking for things I might like for fear of offense. Or worse, I ask them what they would like.

Please, please, please - and I am saying this the nicest way I can - get over this.   

We scream inside our heads when clients ask us 'what are you into?'. To be frank -  If we were into you - you wouldn't have to pay us. 

What we really like is for you to tell us what you want. What we want is clients who are polite, kind, punctual, clean, hygienic, generous and are up front about their desires. Nothing makes us happier than making a client happy and them becoming a regular. 

4 hours ago, BCMan said:

I always switch into “host” mode and treat my escort as a “guest”. It’s just how I was brought up! I see him as company.

This shows you are a great person, and probably a great client!  I read your second post and you really do sound like a dream client!   I can assure you, any good provider will never be offended or put out by you requesting your desires. PLEASE DO. I can almost guarantee it won't be something we have not heard before.  

If you like - please DM me and I will help you phrase how to approach it with them. 

[jonasfoleson]

4 hours ago, BCMan said:

I do not hire often, but whenever I do, I always switch into “host” mode and treat my escort as a “guest”. It’s just how I was brought up! I see him as company. Of course I want to treat everyone with the respect they deserve. But it can get in the way of asking for things I might like for fear of offense. Or worse, I ask them what they would like. I still generally have a good time, it’s just always a weight on my shoulders.Anybody else have this trouble? I’d love to hear from providers and clients who might have thoughts on this. Thanks!

They're people. They are providing a service. They should be treated respectfully. It's odd to suggest they shouldn't be.

[Rayphactor]

5 hours ago, BCMan said:

 “are they enjoying themselves, are they having a good time?” and "What else should I be doing?”  

Oh man, I still deal with this a lot. I get that I am a client paying for a service and it's just transactional. Yet, in my real-world job, I always want everyone I interact with to have a positive experience - even the high-maintenance PITA ones. As a consumer of both personal and business services, I get so fucking annoyed when I leave an interaction with a meh experience. I make an extra effort to deliver a white-glove, world-class experience because it's brought me so many returns.

Here's the thing that I'm trying to get through my thick skull: Fun gets harder when we put too much pressure on it. Not all play needs to be epic. Recognize the mileage in small moments of play.  Skip the emotional pregame.

One of these days, I am going to master that mindset.

[+ KensingtonHomo]

2 hours ago, SecretProvider said:

We scream inside our heads when clients ask us 'what are you into?'. To be frank -  If we were into you - you wouldn't have to pay us. 

What we really like is for you to tell us what you want. What we want is clients who are polite, kind, punctual, clean, hygienic, generous and are up front about their desires. Nothing makes us happier than making a client happy and them becoming a regular. 

I agree with gist here but there were many ways to phrase this without insulting clients by suggesting we’re all less attractive or desirable than you are. 

I hire mostly for convenience. I’m perfectly capable of getting laid by very attractive men anywhere their 20s - rarely my type - to their 60s. But being married and enjoying threesomes with my husband complicates matters. And when together we tend to draw mostly twinks and bottoms. Again, not our preference. 

So rather then waste time on apps, which are annoying, or stay our past my bedtime, hiring is the most efficient means of getting who we want when we want him. 

it’s funny when we were in PV, we hired a couple oF guys but the best hook up we had was with another guest at our hotel. We met him at a club, started chatting, he was tall, lean and handsome. He was very sweet and naughty, kissing us on the dance floor. So we asked him back to our room, had a great languid shower, and then two hours of incredible sex. It reminded me of the great one night stands and flings I had when I was single in NYC before apps. You could meet a guy and talk for a couple of hours really enjoy their company and connect which always lead to really hot sex. It’s a bummer most millennials and younger don’t get that experience. 

Maybe more relevant to @BCMan original question. We tend to host at our home and I’m neurotic about that place being clean. It’s a working class thing I cannot get rid of. But I have gotten better at assuming I’ve done my job to assure a providers comfort and then I tell them what we want. 😈

[ShortCutie7]

I also have the tendency to be overly polite and my first paid encounter was hindered by my hesitance to ask for what I wanted in the moment… I learned my lesson!

[ConnorLA909]

Don’t over extend yourself.

You are the paying entity, you have control over the situation. This is your fantasy, you need to live it. 

[jeezifonly]

I do not host for a couple of reasons, one of them being that guys are not gonna be turned on when I turn into Sue Ann Nivens. 

Basic: Preset sealed water bottles in the kitchen and in bedroom. Provide a clean shower/toilet, fresh towels and mouthwash set out in the bathroom. Offer soft drinks first, but make sure you know whether they're driving, as you offer more. Set out ice and glasses in reach so hunting time is not on the clock. Fuck the coasters, just for tonight.

 

[BCMan]

Thanks to everybody for their responses. I really do appreciate everyone’s time. A lot of good stuff on this thread for me.

[+ PhileasFogg]

23 hours ago, SecretProvider said:

To be frank -  If we were into you - you wouldn't have to pay us. 

You assume a lot!

 

20 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

I agree with gist here but there were many ways to phrase this without insulting clients by suggesting we’re all less attractive or desirable than you are. 

I hire mostly for convenience. I’m perfectly capable of getting laid by very attractive men anywhere their 20s

Exactly!