Realizing you recognize your date from "content"/provider ad

[DMonDude]

Recently a hot guy matched with me on a dating app. He looked very vaguely familiar. After a while of thought i recalled where i recognized him from. He used to do Twitter/OnlyFans content and you also could hire him through Twitter and he was a guy i followed on Twitter and attempted to hire via Twitter DMs years ago. He quit content/escorting a couple years ago. So i don't think he's doing that thing some content creators and providers do where they go on dating apps to promote. I don't know if he was on RentMen or other sites when he was working cause i didn't know about those sites back then.

Trying to hire him back then didn't go anywhere after he asked me to front him some money for a bill he had due and then he ghosted after i gave that to him (very dumb of me back then lol). I moved on. He eventually quit Twitter/OnlyFans to focus on a different career path and apparently handle some demons he was battling.

If i talk to him and it actually goes somewhere, I don't intend to sit on this realization, i think he should know that i know about that era of his past and that we've interacted before. It would be too weird if it ever came up in the future where i need to send or receive money from him for a dinner or whatever else and he realizes we've had a payment app transaction from before we "met". Even with out that scenario coming up, it's just not something i could have in the back of my mind all the time till he eventually brings it up himself (if ever).

How, and how soon, should i bring this up and explain to him in a way that doesn't weird him out? If that's even possible.

[MassageCommunityMember]

I'd let the past stay in the past, especially if he's working to be a better person.  Maybe he will notice the past transaction and bring it up. Maybe he'll notice it and hope you didn't.  Maybe he won't notice.  If you meet and connect in a meaningful way, why risk ruining that?  

[+ JamesB]

1 hour ago, DMonDude said:

If i talk to him and it actually goes somewhere, I don't intend to sit on this realization, i think he should know that i know about that era of his past and that we've interacted before.

 

Why? I really fail to see any upside to this.

[DMonDude]

36 minutes ago, MassageCommunityMember said:

I'd let the past stay in the past, especially if he's working to be a better person.  Maybe he will notice the past transaction and bring it up. Maybe he'll notice it and hope you didn't.  Maybe he won't notice.  If you meet and connect in a meaningful way, why risk ruining that?  

8 minutes ago, JamesB said:

 

Why? I really fail to see any upside to this.

It's mainly an honesty/transparency thing for me. Sitting on the info would cause me stress from feeling like i was waiting for the shoe to eventually drop (the payment app and him realizing we've transacted before scenario). I wouldn't want there to be the chance that he later realizes on his own we interacted in the past and that i recognized him from his prior work and didn't say anything and then think that i had ill intent because of it.

Kind of like how celebrities usually don't date regular people out of fear of ulterior motives ranging from someone just wanting to get with them for their money/fame or to fulfill some celebrity crush/groupie fantasy they have. So that's mainly what I'm trying to avoid by getting the conversation out of the way fairly early.

I'm also the kind of person where something like this would sit in my head nagging at me basically forever. So with stuff like this i either need to just actually deal with it or remove myself from the situation entirely usually.

Edited Friday at 09:13 PM by DMonDude
clarity

[maninsoma]

I'd say you are putting the cart before the horse.  Just because someone came up as a "match" on a dating website doesn't indicate there will be any mutual interest.  I used to get lots of fake matches when I was on OKCupid.  That's one of the tricks those platforms use to keep people signed up.

Or maybe he's playing the same con man game on a website: You chat, you think there's potential, you chat some more, and then he asks for money and you never meet.

I hope my cynicism is wrong, that you contact him and hit it off.  I also don't see why you would bring up this past non-encounter, though, since you never even met him.  For all you know some other person conned you out of money by fraudulently using this guy's photos.

[Mark_fl]

Sounds like to me he owes you money. It would be nice if it came up to see how he handles it.

[MikeBiDude]

47 minutes ago, DMonDude said:

remove myself from the situation entirely usually.

This is probably your best option.

[Nue2thegame]

19 minutes ago, Mark_fl said:

Sounds like to me he owes you money. It would be nice if it came up to see how he handles it.

He needs to decide whether his priority is collecting a bad debt or re-establishing a relationship - neither of which I would suggest. On the rare occasions that I have “loaned” providers money, never to see it again, I have moved on. I’ve never been ghosted and I might have received more time or additional consideration once or twice subsequently but there was no attempt to repay it - a likelihood that I appreciated when it was given. I’ve only done this for a couple of regulars and have no regrets. 

[Mark_fl]

14 minutes ago, Nue2thegame said:

On the rare occasions that I have “loaned” providers money, never to see it again, I have moved on. 

As you put "loaned" in quotes, you realize it was not a loan. It was theft. Personally I wouldn't want to reconnect with this person. If I did, however, it would be contingent on them realizing they took advantage of my nativity,  and I'd give them a chance to redeem themselves. If they don't take it, it will be very easy to move on.

[+ JamesB]

1 hour ago, DMonDude said:

It's mainly an honesty/transparency thing for me. Sitting on the info would cause me stress from feeling like i was waiting for the shoe to eventually drop (the payment app and him realizing we've transacted before scenario). I wouldn't want there to be the chance that he later realizes on his own we interacted in the past and that i recognized him from his prior work and didn't say anything and then think that i had ill intent because of it.

Kind of like how celebrities usually don't date regular people out of fear of ulterior motives ranging from someone just wanting to get with them for their money/fame or to fulfill some celebrity crush/groupie fantasy they have. So that's mainly what I'm trying to avoid by getting the conversation out of the way fairly early.

I'm also the kind of person where something like this would sit in my head nagging at me basically forever. So with stuff like this i either need to just actually deal with it or remove myself from the situation entirely usually.

 

Are you sure the urge to disclose isn’t coming from a less flattering place? He wronged you by taking your money, and even if it’s unconscious, there’s a real risk that this disclosure is about moral positioning, controlling the narrative, or preemptively absolving yourself.

Ask yourself this: if no money had changed hands, would the same urgency still be there? If the answer is no, then this isn’t really about transparency. It’s about discomfort with unresolved moral business.

Just make sure you’re not telling yourself a cleaner story than the one that’s actually driving the impulse.

[+ purplekow]

2 hours ago, DMonDude said:

Recently a hot guy matched with me on a dating app. He looked very vaguely familiar. After a while of thought i recalled where i recognized him from. He used to do Twitter/OnlyFans content and you also could hire him through Twitter and he was a guy i followed on Twitter and attempted to hire via Twitter DMs years ago. He quit content/escorting a couple years ago. So i don't think he's doing that thing some content creators and providers do where they go on dating apps to promote. I don't know if he was on RentMen or other sites when he was working cause i didn't know about those sites back then.

Trying to hire him back then didn't go anywhere after he asked me to front him some money for a bill he had due and then he ghosted after i gave that to him (very dumb of me back then lol). I moved on. He eventually quit Twitter/OnlyFans to focus on a different career path and apparently handle some demons he was battling.

If i talk to him and it actually goes somewhere, I don't intend to sit on this realization, i think he should know that i know about that era of his past and that we've interacted before. It would be too weird if it ever came up in the future where i need to send or receive money from him for a dinner or whatever else and he realizes we've had a payment app transaction from before we "met". Even with out that scenario coming up, it's just not something i could have in the back of my mind all the time till he eventually brings it up himself (if ever).

How, and how soon, should i bring this up and explain to him in a way that doesn't weird him out? If that's even possible.

I would not bring it up directly referring to him.  However, I would, somewhere in the first encounter, mention that you are glad that he seems to be a reasonable person as once in the past you had an experience where you trusted a stranger you met on line and lent him money without knowing him only to be ghosted. As a result of that encounter, you have take  up a no loan philosophy.   That does two things,  if he realizes that it was him, he knows that it is likely that you know it was him,  if he does not realize it was him, he will know better than to try it again but if he does, you have an easy no to give.   

[DMonDude]

1 hour ago, maninsoma said:

I'd say you are putting the cart before the horse.  Just because someone came up as a "match" on a dating website doesn't indicate there will be any mutual interest.  I used to get lots of fake matches when I was on OKCupid.  That's one of the tricks those platforms use to keep people signed up.

Or maybe he's playing the same con man game on a website: You chat, you think there's potential, you chat some more, and then he asks for money and you never meet.

I hope my cynicism is wrong, that you contact him and hit it off.  I also don't see why you would bring up this past non-encounter, though, since you never even met him.  For all you know some other person conned you out of money by fraudulently using this guy's photos.

Very valid concerns and points. It's appreciated.

But i do know it's not a fake match, this app verifies photos by having the user upload a photo and then do basically a full 3D face scan. So i know he's behind the profile. I also have the bottom rung paid tier of the app and can see the actual Likes i get when someone hits Like on my profile. It's not the fake ones the app sends you with blurred photo to entice you to swipe more. So I'm not concerned about that part luckily.

Definitely could still be playing con man games if he hasn't got his act together since quitting Twitter/OF. But at least now I'd know to deny the money request if that happened again, i was a way easier target a couple years ago when he first got that money out of me. I know better these days.

I also know it was him behind that twitter account, he was known/had enough followers where it was easy to know which account was his account and which were fakes re-posting his content. His OnlyFans page also had his link.me site that listed all his official accounts (twitter, payment app, Instagram, and more). So i do know it was him then that got the money out of me and it's him now on this dating app.

1 hour ago, Mark_fl said:

Sounds like to me he owes you money. It would be nice if it came up to see how he handles it.

52 minutes ago, Nue2thegame said:

He needs to decide whether his priority is collecting a bad debt or re-establishing a relationship - neither of which I would suggest. On the rare occasions that I have “loaned” providers money, never to see it again, I have moved on. I’ve never been ghosted and I might have received more time or additional consideration once or twice subsequently but there was no attempt to repay it - a likelihood that I appreciated when it was given. I’ve only done this for a couple of regulars and have no regrets. 

I have no interest in getting money back from him. I'm coming at this purely from the standpoint of being willing to getting to know him and try something casual or romantic if mutual interest is there, on the condition that he has indeed dealt with his demons and isn't who he was back then anymore (not in terms of making content or being a provider but in terms of conning people for money and abusing substances, the latter of which he posted being the reason he was quitting twitter/OnlyFans at the time he announced his exit). I'd long forgotten about that money till i i remembered who he was after seeing him pop up on the dating app and if he's changed then i'd easily be a non-issue again. I'm not one to hold grudges and I believe in forgiveness for low/mid level transgressions, especially if someone has actually changed for the better.

29 minutes ago, JamesB said:

 

Are you sure the urge to disclose isn’t coming from a less flattering place? He wronged you by taking your money, and even if it’s unconscious, there’s a real risk that this disclosure is about moral positioning, controlling the narrative, or preemptively absolving yourself.

Ask yourself this: if no money had changed hands, would the same urgency still be there? If the answer is no, then this isn’t really about transparency. It’s about discomfort with unresolved moral business.

Just make sure you’re not telling yourself a cleaner story than the one that’s actually driving the impulse.

Also valid concern/point to bring up.

Yes i am sure. The urge to disclose is purely from a place of having seen too many sitcoms/rom-coms where problems happen solely because people simply didn't communicate or kept secrets or omitted information and my own need to figure out a solution/my response when i foresee an issue or conflict coming down the pipeline so i'm not floundering in the moment. That + general anxiety lol. I have no intention to try to get money back from him or even tell him specifically about the money and how he got it from me. The money i only bring up because the transaction history is the main vector through which he could possibly figure out that we've interacted in the past. For all he knows, with how much time has passed since it initially happened, that money could be money i could have sent him to buy content rather than him getting it from me under the guise of helping him with a late bill. It's not about any guilt tripping or "look what you did to me back when" or any of that.

The main thing i would want to let him know is that i recognized him from viewing his content. It likely would come up anyway because i don't hide from dates/potential partners that i enjoy porn/OnlyFans content or that i hire providers because an ideal partner for me would share those interests with me or would at the very least have no issue with me engaging in it on my own. So it just feels like something i shouldn't keep a secret.

Can confirm if no money changed hands, i would still feel weird about knowing that past about him without him knowing that i know. If he made the connection on his own, I would be worried it would make him feel violated that I've seen him naked before he's chosen to be naked for me on the individual level or other wise tricked/misled/etc (kind of going back to the why celebrities usually don't date non-famous people example i gave up thread). It has nothing to do with any sense of moral positioning or anything like that. It's purely about transparency.

Edited Friday at 11:05 PM by DMonDude

[Nue2thegame]

1 hour ago, Mark_fl said:

As you put "loaned" in quotes, you realize it was not a loan. It was theft. Personally I wouldn't want to reconnect with this person. If I did, however, it would be contingent on them realizing they took advantage of my nativity,  and I'd give them a chance to redeem themselves. If they don't take it, it will be very easy to move on.

Although I personally have a moral compunction to repay all debts, financial and otherwise, along with my hair, I appreciate shades of grey in other relationships as I’ve grown older. What I described may not have been a loan, but it certainly wasn’t theft. 

[Mark_fl]

46 minutes ago, Nue2thegame said:

Although I personally have a moral compunction to repay all debts, financial and otherwise, along with my hair, I appreciate shades of grey in other relationships as I’ve grown older. What I described may not have been a loan, but it certainly wasn’t theft. 

You "fronted him some money" and then he ghosted, were your words.  That isn't theft? 

Can you front me some money?

[Nue2thegame]

1 minute ago, Mark_fl said:

You "fronted him some money" and then he ghosted, were your words.  That isn't theft? 

Can you front me some money?

Absolutely not what I said. Read my post again. 

[Mark_fl]

24 minutes ago, Nue2thegame said:

Absolutely not what I said. Read my post again. 

Apologies, I thought you were the OP. My thought pertain to that.

[Spikeguy]

I don’t want to date someone I don’t trust.