How could we differentiate reality and delusiona

[nottheworst]

As of the title, I have questions for both clients and providers. How could you separate the reality and delusional in boyfriend experience service? 
 

As a client, I really appreciate the boyfriend experience but I am not emotional intelligence person. I easily let me heart take control my mind and then the worst part occurs I could not completely separate between reality and the infatuation that experience brought. I became jealous, angry, judgmental when I knew he was with someone else, when I knew he could probably do tha same things that he did with me to someone else. I don’t blame anyone here, because he actually did a great job on providing that service and making me to fall for him. But sometimes I felt that he also had feelings for me but not as strong as mine. That is why I kept falling deeper and deeper until my whole life now is just surrounding him. I know I am a loser from the beginning but I just wanted someone that I can hold their hands till 60 and said we made it. Or maybe it shouldn’t have been him from the beginning. 
 

And about providers, may I ask how you feel after giving that kind of service? Did you ever force yourself or deign to please someone you don’t have affection for? 

[MRK]

OK, even if the guy you hire isn't completely faking it he's still doing it just for the money. He might be a really nice guy he might think you're a nice guy but it's a transaction. You should not develop feelings for a provider. If you do you need to realize that they are one way only and when the money stops the relationship is over. If what you really want is a boyfriend with real feelings you need to find that in other places. Go on dating apps or meet somebody in real life and do the work.

You say that you are not emotionally intelligent, but you're clearly stating what you're feeling and what happens. If you get jealous and angry when a provider is with someone else you're just setting yourself up for a really big disappointment and unnecessary heartache. A lot of guys want the emotional part of a relationship just as much or more than the physical part of a relationship. If you need and want that you are never really going to get it from a provider. You can get the illusion of that but it's not the real thing.

Providers are real people and once in a while they might have real feelings with a client but most of the time they are just performing and even if they like you they're gonna be with lots of other people and do the same thing. When you stop giving them money the performance is over. Someone who has real feelings for you will not need to be paid.

[jeezifonly]

This is the sticky part of the business. We are prone as a species to allow the heart to get bcc'd on pleasure. And sometimes, it responds with its own take. If you suspect that you are prone to asymmetrical attraction, and still need to hire, avoid repeats. Every date is a first date for both of you. And one-time dates can be really fun when you (as client) get to determine what the time will be spent doing. You’re hiring a not-your-boyfriend Boyfriend Experience. 

If what you're really wanting is a Boyfriend, don't waste time hiring. Get out there with real people- volunteer, take a class, join a gay group thing, alongside using romance apps. 

Be clear in your goal. Message your heart directly, or block it from the cc list on all the Pleasure threads relating to sex. 

[56harrisond]

 

[+ SirBillybob]

Delusional is you arriving at a busy sports bar with your escort for a quick brewski break before private play, the crowd spontaneously cheers at that instant at a game score on the telly that you hadn’t noticed, and you think it’s a surprise party setup for your first anniversary. It may be similar to a daydream component you had already experienced.

The mix of elated and melancholic feelings of unrequited love is not delusional. Fantasies are not delusional and your recognition at junctures where you snap out of them for a minute that they are without valuable yield is very much grounded in reality. This type of psychodynamic phenomenon may be one way to satisfy that you don’t really want a boyfriend. 

Your limbic brain tossed a coin and chose between a binary of narcissistic rage that enables moving on (he’s just not into me and I don’t give a fig) versus heightened limerence that aims valiantly to suppress the anger at unreciprocated obsession (up all night tending the acres of a fig tree farm). That’s the differentiation and one can comprehend it more than control it. Yet why this him and not another him is complicated to figure out. It may range from all boxes ticked off to few boxes ticked off. 

When I find myself slipping into one or the other path I view it as a tantrum, regression potential embedded in the brain that mirrors the developmental aspects of hunger in infancy. Albeit a mature meltdown. Feed me but get lost upon satiation but don’t get lost for the next iteration. Why else is this feature among adults characterized by one singular fixation at a time, in contrast to the pathology that emerges for some when feeling alienated from broader society?

I want what I want when I want it; be on call on my terms whether it’s simulated via a circumscribed date or monopolizes my thoughts in a bridging mode. What class of intimates falls the most neatly into this formula? [rhetorical] The offshoot of a human connection evolutionary imperative turns on itself because humans have logistical limits. Only enduring couples get a little close to everything everywhere all at once. 

Tantrums need to play out at their self-selected setting while not crossing the line into behavioural choices that exceed what might be considered conventionally socially embarrassing. Extended tantrums can feel crazy and call into question sanity due to their contrast with short and relatively painless ones. What they have in common is that they have all uniformly fizzled out for me while lacking susceptibility to the degree of intellectual intentionality and self-directed control one would prefer to have in order to optimally regulate unpleasant affect. 

Edited 21 hours ago by SirBillybob

[Mark_fl]

I think as a client its very easy to fall into this trap. First you select a provider that you are attracted to. Then you make sure he will do what makes you happy.  Then you pay him to do just that. On top of that, he you pay him to make believe he's as into you as you are to him. And to top THAT off, sex releases chemicals that make you bond emotionally.

Personally, I'm very cautious and don't let myself get attached to people easily, but it's happened to me as well.   It's a recipe for a very expensive disappointment. 

It sounds like maybe you aren't cut out for the BFE if you're feeling that way. And if you are ever thinking the feeling is mutual, ask them if they want to hang out off the clock. That'll wake you up in a hurry. 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

This is tough. I agree with others, you seem emotionally intelligent enough to realize the trap you're setting for yourself. Understanding our emotions doesn't mean we can always control them. But as @SirBillybob noted, we can manage them with proper techniques. 

But if you really want to find someone to spend your life with, you're not going to get that from a provider. 

We didn't start hiring - which we do as a couple - until we had been together for over 15 years. So neither of us have sought a BFE experience. We're mostly looking for a fuck buddy vibe when we hire. 

I agree with others that if you're looking for a relationship, you need to focus on that. The apps can be harsh so maybe try to get involved in some gay groups. 

[+ Charlie]

Luckily, I never had any problem distinguishing between someone I was emotionally attracted to as a person and someone I was attracted to solely as a sex object. A provider was always the latter. That was probably why I was able to be happily married for 56 years and still enjoy the occasional sex with a paid provider. But I still needed to believe that the provider was enjoying the sexual experience just as I was, not that he was attracted to me for any other reason. If I thought that the only pleasure he derived from the sexual interaction was being paid for it, it diminished my pleasure in it. 

[Rudynate]

50 minutes ago, Charlie said:

Luckily, I never had any problem distinguishing between someone I was emotionally attracted to as a person and someone I was attracted to solely as a sex object. A provider was always the latter. That was probably why I was able to be happily married for 56 years and still enjoy the occasional sex with a paid provider. But I still needed to believe that the provider was enjoying the sexual experience just as I was, not that he was attracted to me for any other reason. If I thought that the only pleasure he derived from the sexual interaction was being paid for it, it diminished my pleasure in it. 

That's me, also.  I'm so clear that I'm hiring for sex and not for romance that I have never experienced more than a brief infatuation with an escort.  I recently hired a Brazilian dream boat who was just very nice to be around in addition to being great sex.  He might be my hottest hire of all time.  Still, the extent of my attachment is that I want to hire him again.  I believe that most of my hires have genuinely liked me, which is nice. And a few have contacted me afterward, but, still, their motivation was mostly to stay in contact with a desirable client. 

[savantsav]

I'm poly so those feelings are different I guess? I can have affection for whomever is my current regular BFE provider but I know it's not love and 100% understand if there were no money involved they would have no reason to even talk to me. I'm hopeful they like me the same way you would like your coffee shop barista at least but I know unless they want coffee we won't be hanging out and chatting.

[+ PhileasFogg]

I’ll repeat something I said a few days ago…the best elixir for jealousy is to have multiple providers.

The gut check is a simple question - “are you willing or able to replace his (probably six figure) income to marry him and make him yours?”   If the answer is yes, offer it and see if he bites (after you lay the prenup out for signature) Otherwise, take Dr Biziman’s Elixir and start spreading your good cheer with multiple guys  

 

Edited 3 hours ago by PhileasFogg