Exposing Traditionally Discreet Queer Social Practices

[CheckCar]

Jon Dean, a popular gay male podcaster and social media content creator in the UK, just uploaded a “mini-doc” to YouTube on cruising. In the mini-doc, he spotlights actual cruising sites, making them public for anyone to see.

It has been years since I’ve cruised in parks, tearooms, etc. (fun times). But one of the things I remember most is how their success depended on their discretion. As queer mating rituals have moved heavily online, I continue to worry about the exposure of our “underground” practices to those outside of our networks.

In fact, I sometimes worry about who accesses this website, given the information we share here. How (if at all) can we protect queer discretion in an age when everything and anything can get exposed to the world?

 

Edited July 24 by CheckCar
Edited for missing words

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

1 hour ago, CheckCar said:

But one of the things I remember most is how their success depended on their discretion. As queer mating rituals have moved heavily online, I continue to worry about the exposure of our “underground” practices to those outside of our networks.

In fact, I sometimes worry about who accesses this website, given the information we share here. How (if at all) can we protect queer discretion in an age when everything and anything can get exposed to the world?

I agree 💯 

When discussing masseurs or spas, I am careful to either recommend a person/place or not.  If not, I'll list why.  I will not disclose anything else, publicly or privately. 

As for gay bars, gay clubs, gay saunas, gay hotels, etc., it's a slippery slope with equal rights to prohibit women or people who yell "rape" in online reviews because someone touched his ass at the gay bar.  I am finding that mandatory dress codes (pants and underwear prohibited) for back rooms and saunas seem to be the best way to keep the looky-loos away and keep these places for men who know what they want from other men.  Or, if no dress code, then fisting porn playing on screens above the gay bar or in the lobby of a gay hotel, to help ward-off would be complainers who take to the Internet to expose all that goes on.

[CheckCar]

3 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

When discussing masseurs or spas, I am careful to either recommend a person/place or not.  If not, I'll list why.  I will not disclose anything else, publicly or privately. 

I wish more forum users exercised this level of discretion. We need to strike a balance between sharing helpful insights with each other and not disclosing so much that we place ourselves at increased risk. I worry that some of us have been lulled into a false sense of security. 

Given the current administration’s attacks on immigrants, I also worry about the potential convergence of anti-immigrant, anti-queer, and anti-sex surveillance. We need to be thoughtful about what we disclose, where, and with whom.

 

3 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

Or, if no dress code, then fisting porn playing on screens above the gay bar or in the lobby of a gay hotel, to help ward-off would be complainers who take to the Internet to expose all that goes on.

In my experience, fisting porn encourages rather than wards off the homophobes who wanna pathologize our spaces. Sigh….. I long for a time when our spaces belonged to us.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

1 hour ago, CheckCar said:

Sigh….. I long for a time when our spaces belonged to us.

Equality is a double edged sword 🙁 

[Rudynate]

I have known guys, who were older men when I was a younger man, who waxed nostalgic for the days when we were outlaws --- public toilets, parks, dark bars that could only be accessed from an obscure back door off of an alley, etc.

[+ purplekow]

1 hour ago, Rudynate said:

I have known guys, who were older men when I was a younger man, who waxed nostalgic for the days when we were outlaws --- public toilets, parks, dark bars that could only be accessed from an obscure back door off of an alley, etc.

This concept of bars that you can get into only if you know how to find the entrance is popular here in Palm Springs and I believe in other places.  However, these places are not usually gay bars, just bars that want to get a bit of buzz.  Small places with secret entrances and an interesting decor, speakeasy like in many cases.  I know other cities have these places but they are no longer dirty secrets, now they are secret places for people in the know.  

[Rudynate]

 

When I lived in Germany in the 70s, that was very much the norm - you had to ring a doorbell, they would open a little door so they could see whether you were police or not, and then let you in.  OTOH, there was an enormous gay bar in Berlin called the Big Eden. Then, there was a bar in Saarbruecken, called Chez Madame.  You rang the doorbell and this gracious lady, Madame, dressed in a floor length hostess gown, welcomed you in.  I was told by insiders that Madame was actually German but pretended to be French, which makes sense because it was so close to the French border.  She would only speak French though.  Though customers were a mix of French and Germans.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

Quote

"...Traditionally Discreet Queer Social Practices"

There's nothing discrete about Queer today.  Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals just wanted to not be harassed or arrested for gathering on their own.  Today's Queers want  attention and thrive on making ordinary situations uncomfortable for as many people as possible.  Queer is a fitting word, because it's strange indeed.

[pubic_assistance]

16 minutes ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

Queer is a fitting word, because it's strange indeed.

Spot on !

I abhor the behavior of today's attention-seeking LGBTQXYZ123 crowd.

I was perfectly happy to be accepted as "normal" and NOT "queer". For many, many years my friends accept me for who I am and nobody bats an eyelash about my bisexuality. I travel frequently and its the same in many places. NOBODY cares because I behave like eveyone else, and when someone discovers my sexuality as part of the conversation . .its NEVER met with any kind of disdain. 

20-somethings cant stand to blend in. They all NEED to feel EXPOSED 24/7. The Gender Queer crowd thrive on acting like freaks, so someone calls them a freak and then they have something to feel offended about. 

 

Edited July 26 by pubic_assistance
spelling

[CheckCar]

On 7/25/2025 at 1:38 PM, Rudynate said:

I have known guys, who were older men when I was a younger man, who waxed nostalgic for the days when we were outlaws --- public toilets, parks, dark bars that could only be accessed from an obscure back door off of an alley, etc.

I’ve become one of those older gay men, although I try to balance my nostalgia for how exciting (and at times liberating) those furtive queer spaces felt with how confining and dangerous they were as well. 

Given when and how I came of age as a gay man, I probably will always feel some distrust of mainstream straight society, which is why I wish we still had more spaces than we currently do that felt like they belonged just to us.

[pubic_assistance]

18 minutes ago, CheckCar said:

I probably will always feel some distrust of mainstream straight society,

How sad for you.

The gay liberation movement has somehow failed you.

The difference in opinions about homosexuality between when I was a child in the 70s and today is VAST. I rarely meet homophobes in my travels. Pity your mind has you trapped in the past. 

[CheckCar]

17 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

How sad for you.

The gay liberation movement has somehow failed you.

The difference in opinions about homosexuality between when I was a child in the 70s and today is VAST. I rarely meet homophobes in my travels. Pity your mind has you trapped in the past. 

I’m happy to hear that things have worked out well for you. 🙂

[Whippoorwill]

On 7/26/2025 at 10:39 AM, Vegas_Millennial said:

There's nothing discrete about Queer today.  Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals just wanted to not be harassed or arrested for gathering on their own.  Today's Queers want  attention and thrive on making ordinary situations uncomfortable for as many people as possible.  Queer is a fitting word, because it's strange indeed.

Ah yes, "the love that dare not speak its name" is now shouting from every rooftop. Strange indeed. Plus it's just boring. 

 

[pubic_assistance]

3 minutes ago, CheckCar said:

I’m happy to hear that things have worked out well for you. 🙂

Things have worked out well for everyone. If youre still facing homophobia...then move out / move on.

Its the exception to the rule, not the standard. 

[TonyDown]

On 7/24/2025 at 11:10 AM, CheckCar said:

Jon Dean, a popular gay male podcaster and social media content creator in the UK, just uploaded a “mini-doc” to YouTube on cruising. In the mini-doc, he spotlights actual cruising sites, making them public for anyone to see.

It has been years since I’ve cruised in parks, tearooms, etc. (fun times). But one of the things I remember most is how their success depended on their discretion. As queer mating rituals have moved heavily online, I continue to worry about the exposure of our “underground” practices to those outside of our networks.

In fact, I sometimes worry about who accesses this website, given the information we share here. How (if at all) can we protect queer discretion in an age when everything and anything can get exposed to the world?

 

Thank you for sharing that.  Well done vlog.

What I typically don't like is when a straight vlogger does a piece on gay cruising.  I recall one at an isolated beach in Japan, where they caught one fellow by surprise.  Imagine expecting privacy when a silly reporter appears and sticks a microphone in your face.

Of course there was Nico Hines, the straight Brit reporter that did a piece on how many Olympians he found were hooking up on Grindr.  His piece identified their home countries in some cases.  This kind of content treats us like zoo animals, in my opinion, and are very questionable.

There are, or used to be, gay websites that listed public hook up locations.  In the age of the Internet, queer discretion has certainly evolved.

 

 

Edited Sunday at 11:07 PM by TonyDown

[+ purplekow]

I can understand why some men would prefer to not have bachelorette parties at traditionally gay bar strip shows.  My experience with that, though limited, has been that the women are young, drunk, loud and generally a nuisance.  Also, the straight and bi strippers tend to play to that crowd, when there is more money for them elsewhere.  So while inclusion has its benefits, exclusivity does too.  Exclusivity not exclusion in general.  

Edited Sunday at 11:08 PM by purplekow

[jeezifonly]

I’m among the minority of guys my (boomer) age who never found overtly cruising public spaces to be a turn-on or productive. 
This excludes, of course, Nordstrom South Coast Plaza when Ralph Lauren Polo dress shirts were marked down in 1983. 

[+ DrownedBoy]

On 7/27/2025 at 5:42 PM, pubic_assistance said:

Things have worked out well for everyone. If youre still facing homophobia...then move out / move on.

Its the exception to the rule, not the standard. 

Latest polls show that 1 in 3 Americans now believe being gay is immoral.

That's up from 1 in 4 just five years ago. I won't mention the political situation.

Things are moving backwards. And few of us are willing to use a wife and kids as camouflage.

[CheckCar]

24 minutes ago, DrownedBoy said:

Latest polls show that 1 in 3 Americans now believe being gay is immoral.

That's up from 1 in 4 just five years ago. I won't mention the political situation.

Things are moving backwards. And few of us are willing to use a wife and kids as camouflage.

Indeed, things are moving backwards, which is one of the reasons why I find myself thinking about discreet queer spaces and social practices. With so many attacks on lgbtq+ inclusion and rights, queer discretion may become important again as a survival strategy.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

1 hour ago, CheckCar said:

Indeed, things are moving backwards, which is one of the reasons why I find myself thinking about discreet queer spaces and social practices. With so many attacks on lgbtq+ inclusion and rights, queer discretion may become important again as a survival strategy.

If only the queer knew the meaning of discrete

[mike carey]

49 minutes ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

If only the queer knew the meaning of discrete

Yes, it means 'separate and distinct'. So queer places are discrete almost by definition. Whether they are discreet is a separate question.

[pubic_assistance]

10 hours ago, DrownedBoy said:

I won't mention the political situation.

You shouldn't. Because it's NOT political. It's a religious issue. Particularly in the growing Catholic and Muslim population in the US.