In The Closet? A Topic For Discussion

[+ Lucky]

Coming out of the closet was very hard for me. I kept delaying it until I had finally finished law school and couldn't get away from it anymore. Plus, I fell in love, with an unavailable straight guy. But I did realize that to have the life I wanted, I would have to come out. Life was so much better after that.

In the course of meeting people from this site, and I have easily met over 100 guys, I learned that many are still in the closet despite posting their desires here. Some are out to friends, but not family. The latter seems a hard obstacle to some, but luckily for me my very Catholic family accepted my orientation.

So I invite others to share their own situations. Are you out, and how was that? Are you in, and what challenges does that pose? Et cetera.

[+ DrownedBoy]

Been out since I was 19, the moment I moved out from my parents to stay at college.

I grew up in a working-class neighborhood (and hs) that had a disturbing amount of toxic masculinity. Everyone was pretty certain, but I was ok if I didn't say it aloud. Kids didn't come out in h.s. back then.

[+ Lucky]

This thread came about as I was complaining about the amount of trivial threads the site gets and I was told that if I wanted more substantive discussions I should start one. So I did. Either I chose a topic that is too well-worn or substantive discussions here are falling  out of favor...or both. I remember lots of substance over the last 25 years, but newer members here don't seem inclined that way and maybe the older members have also tired of it.

As the esteemed @BenjaminNicholas says, the site is what it is. I thank @DrownedBoy for contributing to the thread.

Now, about Marlo Thomas, did she really...!

Edited May 17 by Lucky
25 years, not 35!

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

2 minutes ago, Lucky said:

This thread came about as I was complaining about the amount of trivial threads the site gets and I was told that if I wanted more substantive discussions I should start one. So I did. Either I chose a topic that is too well-worn or substantive discussions here are falling  out of favor...or both. I remember lots of substance over the last 35 years, but newer members here don't seem inclined that way and maybe the older members have also tired of it.

As the esteemed @BenjaminNicholas says, the site is what it is. I thank @DrownedBoy for contributing to the thread.

Now, about Marlo Thomas, did she really...!

Esteemed is being entirely too kind  

I believe this site can still handle in-depth, cerebral discussion.  This particular subject is triggering for a lot of people, perhaps explaining why it hasn't yet gotten traction.

That doesn't mean you should stop posting these sorts of topics.  I appreciate that you do.

[+ ApexNomad]

8 minutes ago, Lucky said:

This thread came about as I was complaining about the amount of trivial threads the site gets and I was told that if I wanted more substantive discussions I should start one. So I did. Either I chose a topic that is too well-worn or substantive discussions here are falling  out of favor...or both. I remember lots of substance over the last 25 years, but newer members here don't seem inclined that way and maybe the older members have also tired of it.

As the esteemed @BenjaminNicholas says, the site is what it is. I thank @DrownedBoy for contributing to the thread.

Now, about Marlo Thomas, did she really...!

I believe I may have been the one who told you to start one. I did see this thread when it first went up and mulled it over, but as the esteemed @BenjaminNicholas noted (esteemed among his many other amazing qualities) it can be a triggering topic. I’m not exactly eager—now or yesterday—to revisit what it was like to be mercilessly beaten by my father after coming out, or what it felt like to be kicked out of my home.  Substance matters, absolutely—but so does protecting the parts of ourselves that took the longest to heal.

 

[+ Charlie]

I realized that I was sexually attracted to other males when I was an adolescent, but I was aware that I wasn't supposed to be, so I wasn't open about it, since it was assumed that boys who were attracted to other boys were rather obviously effeminate, and I wasn't. Yet the male friend whom I was most closely drawn to in high school turned out to be not only gay but already sexually active, though he didn't announce it either. It wasn't until after I had my first sexual experience at 17 with an older male, and told him about it, that he revealed to me that he had been having sex with older males for years, but also was not open about it. We were not sexually attracted to one another, so coming out to one another didn't affect our relationship, although I think some of our classmates suspected that we might both be gay, since we spent so much time together.

I think I have told the story on this site before about my having a nervous breakdown at 19 because I was involved in a non-sexual romantic relationship with a girl, and the psychotherapist my parents sent me to told me that I would get relief by being honest about my sexuality with my family and my girlfriend. So I came out to my parents, who were bemused, and to the girlfriend, who was confused. I didn't announce my orientation to the world, but if anyone was interested enough to ask me, I didn't deny that I was gay. By my mid-20s, however, I was starting to become radicalized by gay friends who were active in the gay rights movement (this was the 1960s), and from then on I was openly out. Amazingly, I don't think I ever suffered in any way from my openness, because I didn't flaunt my sexual orientation--I just didn't hide it. I lived with a male partner for 56 years (legally married for the last dozen years), and family, neighbors and employers all seemed to accept the situation without comment. Maybe I was just lucky (that's with a small L).

[+ Gar1eth]

After losing my career 13 or so years ago when I was 52, I was really depressed-more than usual. They probably already knew, but  I came out to my siblings in a long drawn out email which took me hours to write with tears in my eyes. I still couldn't face telling my Mom (who was already fairly certain I'm sure)-and had my sister do it.
 

My Dad (now passed) had Alzheimer's at the time. He was still verbal at that point. But we weren't sure if he'd understand, if he understood whether he'd remember a week later, or if it might upset him. At that point it was more about him than me, so we didn't tell him. I wish I had been brave enough to tell him pre-Alzheimer's. 
 

I've never formally come  out to the extended family-nieces, nephew, cousins. If they think about it, I'm sure they probably know. I mean I've never had a girlfriend or been one to go on dates with women -never had an actual boyfriend either (1st sexual experience at 41 with an escort). A few years back I did have a year long intense F-ckbuddy relationship. But that ended when I moved back to Texas in 2018. 
 

Various other people know. But I'm not totally open. Possibly I'd be open more if I had a significant other because I can't imagine having one and trying to hide him.
 

I have a fairly conservative niece-in-law. I always wonder if I had a partner whether he'd be welcome at family functions. The situation will probably never come up. But I wonder.  
 

I'm also sad that if wonder if wonders I did meet someone-I probably won't be able to introduce him to my mother. She's 90. She's in good health. But ...

 

Oh well as I said, the situation probably won't come up anyway. I don't know if it's possible in your mid 60's to have a 1st time relationship. I mean obviously it's possible. But probable-I just don't know. I'm not sure I can fall in love at this late date. 

Edited May 18 by Gar1eth

[TonyDown]

Am I in the closet?   

In the traditional sense, no.  Years ago I was featured in a newspaper article about being gay in the workplace.  By then I was out to my family.  That was in my 20's.

I don't tell everyone I meet I'm gay, but sometimes I will bring it up if I find it useful or necessary.

@Lucky comment about falling in love with a straight friend brought back some memories.  For me as a young man, life was messy, being in the closet and falling for straight guys.  I lament a little when I think how back in those days guys feared being more honest, especially closeted guys.  I assume guys are more willing to cut through the BS these days.  Frankly much of the risk no longer exists and most guys are more aware of the facts about sexuality.

Edited May 18 by TonyDown

[maninsoma]

I came out when I was 16.  I won't go into all of the details here, but after meeting a few other gay teens and then coming out to some of my friends, I wanted to come out to my dad since one of the gay guys I knew had just come out to his parents and it went well, despite their initial asking of some silly questions.  Unfortunately my experience did not go well, and I seriously contemplated running away from home when I was a senior in high school because my home life became even worse than the miserable existence I was already enduring.  Fortunately a school counselor convinced me that it would be a big mistake to drop out of school to drive to San Francisco (that was my plan; I can only imagine what would have happened to me as a 17 year old in the Castro in the late 1970s), and told me that if things got so bad at home that I couldn't tolerate it that I could move in with her.  So I stayed in school and stayed at home.  Ended up seeing a therapist because our family doctor advised my parents that I should be assessed by mental health professionals; the psychologist was cool but the psychiatrist was a big jerk.  I still have a funny memory of my session with him, though:  He asked me how I knew I was gay since I had never had sex with anyone.  I asked him how he knew he was straight before he first had sex with a woman.  Fortunately my friends were all okay with me being gay, and I was already being bullied for being "a sissy" by some of the "jocks" since a very young age so my school experience really didn't change except that I was able to be more open with my friends. 

[+ ApexNomad]

14 minutes ago, maninsoma said:

I still have a funny memory of my session with him, though:  He asked me how I knew I was gay since I had never had sex with anyone.  I asked him how he knew he was straight before he first had sex with a woman.  

One of the best things I’ve read here.

[+ ApexNomad]

5 hours ago, TonyDown said:

I assume guys are more willing to cut through the BS these days.  Frankly much of the risk no longer exists and most guys are more aware of the facts about sexuality.

Yes and no. I agree that, broadly speaking, guys today are more aware of the facts about sexuality, and in many places, the climate is a lot more open. But I think it really depends on the social circle and the geography. For instance, a college football player or wrestler from somewhere like Kentucky might still struggle deeply with being honest about who they are. The fear hasn’t disappeared—it’s just shifted. In many communities, the stigma is still very real, shaped by cultural expectations, social norms, and how someone was raised. So while progress has definitely been made, there are still so many who feel they have to repress who they are or find other outlets, just to survive.

[Km411]

I will never be able to write on this topic but thanks for initiating it.

[+ sync]

6 hours ago, Gar1eth said:

 

I've never formally come  out to the extended family-nieces, nephew, cousins. If they think about it, I'm sure they probably know. 

Various other people know. But I'm not totally open. Possibly I'd be open more if I had a significant other because I can't imagine having one and trying to hide him.

Oh well as I said, the situation probably won't come up anyway. I don't know if it's possible in your mid 60's to have a 1st time relationship. I mean obviously it's possible. But probable-I just don't know. I'm not sure I can fall in love at this late date. 

The above statements from your post pretty much sum up my own lifestyle.  All things considered, I'm content with the way things are.  

[d.anders]

I've been gay since early grade school. The first time I saw a naked cock in the gym showers, ding went the bell. Couldn't wait to see another one. Couldn't wait to lick one. I played "doctor" with several cousins, and had the chance to smell female and male genitals long before puberty. I knew then that cock was for me. Coming out to family was not easy in those days, but I will never forget how free I felt after I did. Free as a bird. I think of my coming out as a very personal achievement, an early moment in my life I look upon with deep pride.

Young kids today seem to have it so much easier. They're smarter, and the people around them are more understanding and compassionate. I'm very happy that progress has been made.

[Nightowl]

Though I knew I was attracted to guys when I was growing up, I came of age at a time and in a family situation that prevented me from ever doing anything about it.  I followed the expected, traditional path—marriage (to a woman), family, house in the suburbs—and suppressed my attraction to guys for several decades.  Established in my comfortable, loving environment I was happy and content, and still am.  It has only been over the last few years that I’ve allowed myself to act on my attraction to men through hiring for erotic massage.  The experiences I’ve had with other men have been satisfying and sometimes amazing, but I have no desire to risk the good things in my life by coming out or hurting the people I love.  Perhaps some would label me a coward but for me it was a choice. 

[+ Lucky]

10 minutes ago, Nightowl said:

Though I knew I was attracted to guys when I was growing up, I came of age at a time and in a family situation that prevented me from ever doing anything about it.  I followed the expected, traditional path—marriage (to a woman), family, house in the suburbs—and suppressed my attraction to guys for several decades.  Established in my comfortable, loving environment I was happy and content, and still am.  It has only been over the last few years that I’ve allowed myself to act on my attraction to men through hiring for erotic massage.  The experiences I’ve had with other men have been satisfying and sometimes amazing, but I have no desire to risk the good things in my life by coming out or hurting the people I love.  Perhaps some would label me a coward but for me it was a choice. 

No one can judge another's decision on the closet. We all have different considerations. I do lean to the all-out philosophy as it worked so well for me, but that's my situation and I didn't have family to worry about.

[Nightowl]

2 hours ago, Lucky said:

No one can judge another's decision on the closet. We all have different considerations. I do lean to the all-out philosophy as it worked so well for me, but that's my situation and I didn't have family to worry about.

I appreciate your stance on this.  If I was a young man, just realizing my attraction now, I know I would do things differently.  

[ShortCutie7]

I wouldn’t say I’m “out” or “in”- I don’t come across as obviously gay to the vast majority of people, but some people definitely know.  If anything, I probably come across as asexual (think Sheldon Cooper), but I frankly don’t presume anyone to be thinking of my sexuality at all.  It actually mostly depends on context- there are only a handful of people I have told outright, so they are the only ones that know for sure.  Otherwise, the majority of my family/family friends and my coworkers from my day job assume I’m straight, while my coworkers from my side jobs (in largely gay fields) and acquaintances from these fields assume I’m gay, although there have been instances during which certain cohorts assumed I was straight (which was hilarious given the context).

Philosophically, I don’t like the idea of “coming out” because it places an emphasis on an aspect of my life that is very minor and doesn’t impact anyone I am not pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship with.  Beyond that, coming out to my mother was extraordinarily difficult and painful, and I don’t wish to have to go through that again, nor do I believe I should have to with anyone else.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I am, for the most part, still in the closet.  I grew up in a conservative environment.  If pressed, I know my parents would say they knew I was gay. Unfortunately, that was not acceptable.  I was in denial until after they died.  I moved across the country for work, and then alone and struggling to make friends, I had to come to terms with the reality of my sexuality or face loneliness. I was 40.

My two closest friends know and a few gay friends. When I told one of my closest friends whom I knew would be accepting, I cried. I have not told my brother., my nieces, my nephew. I suspect my closest friend in my new city is gay, but we have a similar background and I don't want to tell him. He may be in denial as well. I have not told the longtime female friend who has been pining for me for 10 years and can't seem to understand that she can't negotiate a relationship with someone who is not interested. That's traumatic in its own way.

I think about fully coming out, but my biggest concern is my brother's ex-wife, who probably knows I am gay and has tried to prevent me from spending time with my nephew a few times because of it. Oddly enough, I suspect her brother is gay.

But, I also struggle with disappointing people from my past. Most of my close friends would be 100% supportive.

I have been with my partner for 7 years, and most of my core support have no idea. It is very weird. 

Part of it is, sexuality is very personal. By coming out, I feel like it is revealing something very personal. The moment you tell someone you are gay, you are revealing something about your sex life. To me, that is private. I save that for anonymous message boards. 

I really need to see a counselor. 

 

[MaybeMaybeNot]

12 minutes ago, ShortCutie7 said:

I wouldn’t say I’m “out” or “in”- I don’t come across as obviously gay to the vast majority of people, but some people definitely know.  If anything, I probably come across as asexual (think Sheldon Cooper), but I frankly don’t presume anyone to be thinking of my sexuality at all.  It actually mostly depends on context- there are only a handful of people I have told outright, so they are the only ones that know for sure.  Otherwise, the majority of my family/family friends and my coworkers from my day job assume I’m straight, while my coworkers from my side jobs (in largely gay fields) and acquaintances from these fields assume I’m gay, although there have been instances during which certain cohorts assumed I was straight (which was hilarious given the context).

Philosophically, I don’t like the idea of “coming out” because it places an emphasis on an aspect of my life that is very minor and doesn’t impact anyone I am not pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship with.  Beyond that, coming out to my mother was extraordinarily difficult and painful, and I don’t wish to have to go through that again, nor do I believe I should have to with anyone else.

It is interesting that as I was typing my response, you were typing your.  I feel like you are saying a number of things I feel. 

[ShortCutie7]

5 minutes ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

Part of it is, sexuality is very personal. By coming out, I feel like it is revealing something very personal. The moment you tell someone you are gay, you are revealing something about your sex life. To me, that is private. I save that for anonymous message boards. 

Exactly!  Something about it just feels wildly inappropriate to talk about/nobody’s business.  I wouldn’t ask a straight friend about their sex life; why should they know about mine?

[TonyDown]

On 5/18/2025 at 4:48 PM, ApexNomad said:

Yes and no. I agree that, broadly speaking, guys today are more aware of the facts about sexuality, and in many places, the climate is a lot more open. But I think it really depends on the social circle and the geography. For instance, a college football player or wrestler from somewhere like Kentucky might still struggle deeply with being honest about who they are. The fear hasn’t disappeared—it’s just shifted. In many communities, the stigma is still very real, shaped by cultural expectations, social norms, and how someone was raised. So while progress has definitely been made, there are still so many who feel they have to repress who they are or find other outlets, just to survive.

In my case, I had straight friends that wanted to be sexual.  I still don't know why.  I was way more naieve about sex than they were.    When I was a kid, admitting I was gay frightened me.  I am still guessing whether these guys figured I was gay or they hoped so.  In any case if I had asked them why they wanted to have sex  and admitted my lack of experience, that would have been somewhat educational.  Honest communication could have avoided hurt feelings.   I will always remember a friend asking "are we getting divorced." He cared for me but I ended up really pissed at him.  So yeah, the closet was not an honest place and was messy.  Years later I wrote my especially close friend John a letter saying I was sorry.   It stayed in my journal, but it helped.

[ICTJOCK]

Interesting conversation.  My own situation maybe wasn't that atypical.    While in college and law school,  I basically chose to ignore it.  Maybe  "not accept" the reality with some sort of inner explanation.    We all do that it seems with this or that.   As I got into work  I certain event came up that made me realize I wanted to address this part of my life and so I did.    I don't think I ever have really been one to "worry about others finding out"  kind of thing.  But I also don't feel the need to make everybody around me aware of my sexual orientation.     I do my thing and I live my life with confidence.

[maninsoma]

22 hours ago, ShortCutie7 said:

Exactly!  Something about it just feels wildly inappropriate to talk about/nobody’s business.  I wouldn’t ask a straight friend about their sex life; why should they know about mine?

Just to clarify: Coming out doesn't mean you have to discuss your sex life any more than straight people discuss theirs. In other words, some people actually do have explicit conversations with others about their sexual activities, but plenty of people (gay, straight or otherwise) don't.

Just acknowledging to someone that you are gay is not the same as discussing your sex life.  I know that some people try to make that argument ("I'm not against gay people, but they should keep it private."), but when given even a little bit of thought that argument falls apart.

[ShortCutie7]

10 minutes ago, maninsoma said:

Just to clarify: Coming out doesn't mean you have to discuss your sex life any more than straight people discuss theirs. In other words, some people actually do have explicit conversations with others about their sexual activities, but plenty of people (gay, straight or otherwise) don't.

Just acknowledging to someone that you are gay is not the same as discussing your sex life.  I know that some people try to make that argument ("I'm not against gay people, but they should keep it private."), but when given even a little bit of thought that argument falls apart.

It’s exactly the argument you’re mentioning that makes my point- society associates “gay” with “sex”; “straight” is considered the default so is not thought of in as sexual a manner.  Literally every single person I have come out to has asked a followup question about or relating to my sex life… even if the question is something seemingly innocent like “how do you know?”, the answer would be inherently sexual (“I know because I get aroused when I see a handsome man, not a beautiful woman”).