Broaching The Subject of Preferred Activities With Provider

[+ Letmeworshipit]

I notice that Kevin Slater is the moderator of this forum. I engaged Kevin several years ago for a session in NY I think (I was traveling a lot then, so may not be correct, but it was in a major city hotel I do recall). His ad description at the time made it clear that he would be a good match for my particular interests and that certainly proved to be the case. But now it seems things are more veiled and nuanced and it's really tough for guys like me, with a specific interest, to determine compatibility. And worse than that are providers who aren't always honest about their services and quickly say, "Oh, yea, I love that." Then in the session you find out that they they really aren't that into it and just didn't want to lose a paying gig. And the whole Top, Bottom, Versatile, et al, designations don't really identify their interest in non-penetrative activities, so it's a quandary.

[MikePDNA51]

Non penetrative activities/ kink takes some practice. I will spend 1-2 hours preparing a kink session before a client arrives, these activities done without prep are not as good. Often a client will not tell me what they want. I can only list so much online that clients might want to actually read. If client does not tell me than i do not know what they want go through a checklist of exploring items.

 

does this help? 

[+ J. S.]

Agreed this is an issue for clients with specific preferences.  The only thing you can do is be up front about what you're looking for and hope for the best.  Sharing your interests with others here on COM and start a conversation about which providers are best for your particular interests.

[Archangel]

…and if you want to ask some questions before booking, many lose interest and may even accuse you of wasting their time. A quick “yea, I love that” is my indicator that he’s just out to score a client, not deliver a satisfactory experience.

[pubic_assistance]

22 hours ago, Letmeworshipit said:

providers who aren't always honest about their services and quickly say, "Oh, yea, I love that." Then in the session you find out that they they really aren't that into it and just didn't want to lose a paying gig. And the whole Top, Bottom, Versatile, et al, designations don't really identify their interest in non-penetrative activities, so it's a quandary.

I have an interest (side interest) in BDSM play. I've come across multiple providers who've checked those boxes on their profile but have absolutely no idea what that even means!

The dilemma with investigating further before a hire is that it's ILLEGAL to pay for sex so you always run the risk of perjury by getting too specific in a documented communication. 

Your default degree of deniability is to declare your "INTERESTS" and say you're searching for someone with "SIMILAR INTERESTS."

Even then you'll always risk hiring the yes-man who aims to please but fails to deliver.

Fetishist activity is difficult to navigate even when we are young and desirable. Almost impossible when we get old and fat.

Edited April 30 by pubic_assistance
spelling

[marylander1940]

Most escorts dislike engaging in endless texting with potential clients, unfortunately that's the way folks communicate nowadays and it's hard for them to tell who is actually interested or not.

Considering the circumstances we're living many folks won't be sexually explicit by text. May I remind you text messages just can't be erased. 

 

Edited April 30 by marylander1940

[marylander1940]

1 hour ago, J. S. said:

Agreed this is an issue for clients with specific preferences.  The only thing you can do is be up front about what you're looking for and hope for the best.  Sharing your interests with others here on COM and start a conversation about which providers are best for your particular interests.

and unless we know the specific preferences of @Letmeworshipit we just don't know why this issue is something that keeps happening when he hires.

[BuffaloKyle]

One thing I look out for on RM ads is to avoid providers that have nothing or conversely everything marked on the "intos" section.

[+ purplekow]

Finding like minded clients here or elsewhere who may have insight into providers that have been known to satisfy your particular desire is one way to minimize the risk of your disappointing appointment.  Also texting specifically what your interests are can assist in finding a match.  Still. until you are there, it is a crap shoot.  I recently asked two providers about their interest in kissing.  Both said they wre excellent kissers.  One was, the other was not.  The one that was not seemed actually averse to the idea.  So you take a deep breath  and you take your chances.    

I sometimes mention that I have a restraint that can be placed under a mattress and allows for four limb bondage, light, fun and mobile.  I have asked, should I bring that? or is this something you would consider using?  I usually add that I will be fine with either answer.  Usually the yeses want to known who will be bound and the nos usually say something like not on the first encounter.  

Edited April 30 by purplekow

[Guest]

@purplekowis right, it's a crap shoot. Communication and honesty is always something that you lead with, or at least should lead with. 

I have seen/done a lot and know what my (admittedly few) boundaries are and even can push them sometimes in the right circumstances. As sexy as some providers look and sound, everyone has different boundaries and levels of comfort with the services that they provide. 

Most normal providers (in my experience) don't accuse someone of time wasting preemptively when they're just answering questions about comfort with __. The time wasting happens when something is set up or a lot of photos/valuable content is exchanged and then silence/ghosting. 

[NYXboy]

9 hours ago, Letmeworshipit said:

I notice that Kevin Slater is the moderator of this forum. I engaged Kevin several years ago for a session in NY I think (I was traveling a lot then, so may not be correct, but it was in a major city hotel I do recall). His ad description at the time made it clear that he would be a good match for my particular interests and that certainly proved to be the case. But now it seems things are more veiled and nuanced and it's really tough for guys like me, with a specific interest, to determine compatibility. And worse than that are providers who aren't always honest about their services and quickly say, "Oh, yea, I love that." Then in the session you find out that they they really aren't that into it and just didn't want to lose a paying gig. And the whole Top, Bottom, Versatile, et al, designations don't really identify their interest in non-penetrative activities, so it's a quandary.

I find it fascinating that you have complained about ambiguity in providers' profiles while making a post and being ambiguous about what your interests are!

Some helpful advice - post about it here. You will find a (mostly) helpful community that can direct you to someone that you may find suitable. 

[Archangel]

20 minutes ago, BodeBrentwood said:

The time wasting happens when something is set up or a lot of photos/valuable content is exchanged and then silence/ghosting. 

Vehemently disagree. If you don’t book within three texts with many of these guys, they get impatient or will ghost you themselves. I never ask for additional photos. Perhaps a phone call if I’m suspicious about English fluency, but not often that. But if I had a dollar for every time a provider asked after three or four texts “So when u wanna book?” I could book an overnight! 

Edited April 30 by Archangel

[Guest]

really! 

guess I have patience

[Archangel]

51 minutes ago, NYXboy said:

I find it fascinating that you have complained about ambiguity in providers' profiles while making a post and being ambiguous about what your interests are!

His specific proclivities aren’t germane to the topic of communicating about proclivities in general. 

[+ PhileasFogg]

I’ve found that extended engagements (overnight or travel) are best planned with an introductory video call rather than texting.  Maybe, while promising to keep it to 10 mins or less, this would be a good strategy to assess mutual willingness in achieving your goals?   A pro would likely say “sure.”   

Edited April 30 by PhileasFogg

[borgerback]

18 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

I have an interest (side interest) in BDSM play. I've come across multiple providers who've checked those boxes on their profile but have absolutely no idea what that even means!

The dilemma with investigating further before a hire is that it's ILLEGAL to pay for sex so you always run the risk of perjury by getting too specific in a documented communication. 

Your default degree of deniability is to declare your "INTERESTS" and say you're searching for someone with "SIMILAR INTERESTS."

Even then you'll always risk hiring the yes-man who aims to please but fails to deliver.

Fetishist activity is difficult to navigate even when we are young and desirable. Almost impossible when we get old and fat.

This.  Although most of my BDSM interests can be non-sexual; and although I prefer providers with some experience or a lot of experience, I've introduced some adventurous gents to my gentle ideas of fun . . . I'd say 85% enjoy it and want more, later on.  

[MikePDNA51]

If a client does not tell what they want it’s a waste of time. Endless talk is bad for both client and provider. 

[Milo Janus]

My fetish is muscles, abs, and pecs.  

[BrooklynIrish]

23 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Fetishist activity is difficult to navigate even when we are young and desirable. Almost impossible when we get old and fat.

You're obsessed with youth and conventional attractiveness. Not everyone is. 

In my experience, people are more open to kink as they get older and more grounded in their sexuality. That can be hot on its own. 

[MscleLovr]

I’m not sure it’s a “quandary” or that things have got worse. I feel it’s always been difficult to set up dates

Not wanting to waste anyone’s time, when I was interested in meeting a new guy….

I simply stated succinctly what I like to do and what I enjoy having done to me. And then I’d ask Will we be compatible?

On agreement, I had the excitement of getting ready for a first date.

[Simon Suraci]

On 4/29/2025 at 6:46 PM, BodeBrentwood said:

really! 

guess I have patience

Because he’s one of the good ones.

@Archangel Pass over the guys that can’t be bothered to reasonably engage with you. As long as you are being direct and keeping communication about relevant matters, a good provider won’t be put off. I know the experienced clients here on the boards are not going to be the ones jacking off asking what we are wearing right now, sending endless photo requests, and so on and so forth.

Stick to the good guys, the pros, and you shouldn’t have a problem.

[Archangel]

8 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

Pass over the guys that can’t be bothered to reasonably engage with you. … Stick to the good guys, the pros, and you shouldn’t have a problem.

I do. That’s what I said I do. But you have to engage a guy before you figure out he’s a flake. I have quite a bit of experience with guys I can tell are treating RM like a monetized Grindr. They want to get paid for casual sex. Put another way, they’ll fuck you for a cost, but wouldn’t if it were purely a hookup. It’s a get-rich-quick-and-have-fun-at-the-same-time scheme in their minds.

[Archangel]

16 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

Will we be compatible?

This is a legitimate question and one a provider should be willing to demonstrate on some level beyond profile pictures and his off-hand “Yes.” Some providers convey enthusiasm when texting with them. It’s really not hard to do. Others seem incapable of what would amount to troglodytes grunts if you were in person. I don’t need to discuss the ins and outs of Plato to set up an appointment but part of time together for me is the conversation. Just saying in your profile you like deep conversation doesn’t cut it. We all know and have discussed ad nauseam how useless those profiles are. If you can’t show some basic communication skills in texting, then I already know we’re not compatible.

[LookingAround]

On 4/29/2025 at 3:57 PM, pubic_assistance said:

 Almost impossible when we get old and fat.

Seems to be your obsession. Is this what you look like? Stop with the stereotyping and body shaming. Speak for yourself for once. Or are you? If so stop with the royal "we."

[Simon Suraci]

17 hours ago, Archangel said:

engage a guy before you figure out he’s a flake.

^The pros aren’t flakes. You engage to see if he is a pro. You don’t necessarily know he’s a pro until you engage.

17 hours ago, Archangel said:

guys I can tell are treating RM like a monetized Grindr. They want to get paid for casual sex.

^But this isn’t just casual sex. It’s paid sex. It’s professional, and it’s work. The motives are not personal, but professional. I believe you’re missing the crucial difference between the two. Each has different rules, different dynamics. Asking the same guy for casual (free, mutual interest) sex and then turning around and asking him for paid sex is telling him to play by different rules. And when he does take your lead and play by those new rules, you don’t like it.

On 4/29/2025 at 2:40 PM, Archangel said:

A quick “yea, I love that” is my indicator that he’s just out to score a client, not deliver a satisfactory experience.

^I struggle to see why “scoring” a client and delivering a satisfactory experience are mutually exclusive.

I’m also wondering what would constitute a satisfactory response for you. Many of my text interactions are similar to what you wrote. Things like “Yes, I’m a great rimmer.” “I enjoy kissing”. “I am on board with all that you mentioned”. “Yes, this is a strength of mine.” “I can definitely do X for you”. “I have little [or no] experience with Y, so I may not be the best fit for you.”

Do you need your provider to fawn, to send five exclamation marks, to beg, or offer to do it for free because he is so thrilled to do [insert sexual activity here] with [client he has never met]? If so, count me out. I am not that guy and don’t want to be.

The best providers among us keep our communications cordial, but direct and professional. That might look like a provider saying, “Thank you for sharing. Yes, our interests are compatible. We are going to have a great time.” or “Can you tell me more about how you want X to go so I can make this a great experience for you?”

Or would you rather receive something like, “OMG I would LOVE to [fill in blank]!!!!! I’m so hard rn just dripping wet in my pants thinking about it. I’m desperate for your [fill in the blank]. Daddy, please, I need you now! Uuuunngghhh.”

OK. Point made. What exactly is this fine line you need a provider to walk? What do you want his communication to look like? Can you give some examples of successful communication about compatibility and interests? What does a good interaction look like to you?

So you want the provider to be “into” all of the things that align with your preferences (fair enough) and you want him to confirm those things (fair enough), and with some very specific level of enthusiasm in writing (questionable given the points above), be willing to do those things *with YOU* (obviously), for a fee (also fair), but now you’re upset that he’s actually enjoying any aspect of the encounter with you BECAUSE he is charging a fee for it. Am I missing something here?

Should he NOT be enjoying himself in any way for it be acceptable for him to charge? But at the same time it’s important to you that he is genuinely into what you are doing, so much so that you need to ensure all of this quite explicitly over messages or a call beforehand.

What I’m hearing is:

1) you are upset that he won’t do for FREE on an app exactly what YOU want with YOU specifically, on YOUR schedule. 

Ok, so people have agency. They meet people they want to meet to do things they want to do when they have time to do them. Maybe you do not fit the “who” or “what” criteria (or both) of the men you’re interested in on an app. Maybe the “when” criteria is also a barrier. Tough. They are not beholden to you in any way. C’est la vie.

Here is where money comes in. It provides an incentive for a gentleman to meet men he normally wouldn’t, or do things he normally wouldn’t (or both). Or perhaps also when it’s convenient for the client but not him.

2) you pay him to do the things you want and he ISN’T into the activities, or you, or both, so you are upset. I get it. You want aspects of the interaction to be genuine, to gratify you on some level. But he still performs the service for you. Do his time, services, and professionalism not have value?

3) you pay him to do the things you want and he IS into the activities, you, or both. You have everything you wanted, and yet still you are upset. Why?

Pick a lane.

In what paid scenario would you be happy?