Gay late starters

[Guest]

I was a "late starter" in coming out of the closet.

I would like to hear, those who are open to sharing, if you came out of the closet later in life, then 1) what kept you in the closet for so long and 2) what was the process of learning how to accept yourself?

 

Now, I have mostly gotten over all of those stigmas.

 

 

[Guest]

Just now, Angel-Ayy said:

I was a "late starter" in coming out of the closet.

I would like to hear, those who are open to sharing, if you came out of the closet later in life, then 1) what kept you in the closet for so long and 2) what was the process of learning how to accept yourself?

 

Now, I have mostly gotten over all of those stigmas.

 

 

I didn't come out of the closet until age 29. And even after that, my family and I had an understanding that I was never going to "act out my homosexuality." I come from a very religious background, so my family and I discussed that being homosexual wasn't a sin, unless I "acted on it." So I had two years of further repression Before I finally decided, "fuck this noise. I feel so unfulfilled. At the best of this intense longing. The idea that I'm going to stay single for the rest of my life and potentially die alone terrifies me. I'm going to try being with other men. Fuck the social/familial consequences."
 

Getting started, I was clumsy and awkward. I didn't know how to use my body in tandem with somebody else. I barely understood my body and its own sexual/sensual/erotic capabilities.

To even consider exploring those kinds of things through masturbation or the usage of sex toys was extremely uncomfortable for me. I thought that all of it would be sinful.
 

Little by little, I came to change my mind.

I used to be terrified of being seen naked. I thought that I was gross and undesirable.

I used to be mortified at the idea of asking a sexual partner to do something different or change something, that my partner would see that as a criticism, and I felt I should just be lucky that someone was fucking me anyway.
I have tried almost everything sexual that I ever wanted to try (except double penetration), and I know my body very intimately. I know what arouse me. I know it turns me off. I know how to give myself extreme pleasure. I know what to ask for from others in order to guarantee heightened pleasure. I know very well how to give another man maximum pleasure. 

This was a long journey getting to this point, but I love where I am now with it.
 

I want to know other people's experiences

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

5 hours ago, Angel-Ayy said:

1) what kept you in the closet for so long

I was convinced that having a gay thought would result in God striking me down with AIDS.

5 hours ago, Angel-Ayy said:

2) what was the process of learning how to accept yourself?

 

I got fully naked on a nude beach.  Being obese my entire life, it took being naked amongst hundreds of other people to realize that, without clothes, I am as good looking as most of the people on the beach who can't hide behind flattering swimsuits.  Once I accepted myself as being fat and still good looking, then I had the confidence to try naked men's  yoga and met my first boyfriend

[LaffingBear]

I've always felt like I had an odd, or unique, coming out experience.   I guess all of ours are somewhat unique.

I was closeted.  I moved from home, to college town, to grad school in another city, to my first job... all in the closet.  Then I moved for my job again, and through an odd circumstances, I was quickly introduced to the most amazing and diverse social circle imaginable.   Mixed ethnicity couples.  A gay couple.  A lesbian.  Young engaged couple and older married couple.  (I moved many times in my early life...this was the easiest and fastest I ever developed a social life).  The older couple met me and pulled me into the group.  And, with no history, no anxiety about revealing I wasn't who I'd projected myself to be, I introduced myself as gay.  No drama.  No fear.  It was just a casual, matter-of-fact action.  

I wasn't yet out to my family, but I was 1000 miles away, so it wasn't a big issue. When I eventually told them, there also wasn't drama.  My mother was disappointed as she wouldn't get some traditional expectations like a big wedding, grandchildren, etc, but we didn't change our relationship.   

Being gay has never been something I wear on my sleeve.  There's no gay flag bumper sticker on my car.  I don't introduce myself as gay.   But I won't hide it.  Not even the most casual effort to avoid it.  I recall someone at my office questioning me, sorta hinting and probing, but afraid to ask directly, and I finally laughed and said "it's ok, you can ask.  I'm gay."   I was a manager, and when I mentioned a restaurant I was going to as I left Friday night, staff members hadn't heard of it.  "It's in the Castro."  "Ohhhhhhhh."

I spent my teens and 20s hiding it.  It's exhausting!  I can't and won't make the effort anymore.  It's cost me some closeted acquaintances in my 40s and thereafter.  Because when asked to be discreet, my answer is "Look. I won't initiate any action that outs you.   But if somehow, the issue comes up about me, I won't lie." I've been uninvited to parties including family, with subsequent ghosting.  

So, I never had the big emotional drama of coming out.  And, really, it wasn't some principled "I am who I am" moment.  But thinking back on the evasive comments, the female friend I used as a beard, the avoidance, the careful crafting of not lying but letting people arrive at the wrong conclusions... it really was exhausting.   Stressful.  And, mostly, coming out was only partly being who I am... a big factor was that I was simply no longer willing to expend the emotional energy it required to hide it.

Now in my 60s, every once in a while, I feel a little whistful regret that I really never had the wildly active sexual youth common in one's late teens through early 30s.  But, that was the late 70s through early 90s.  I was near-celibate in the closet, not afraid of AIDS.  But had I been out and thinking with a 20-something's crotch, I might not be here.  

Edited February 9 by LaffingBear

[+ ApexNomad]

It’s never too late to be who you are, no matter the age. ❤️

[Nodakman]

Last January I decided I was needing to experience the pleasures of a man. Yes, I was the 43 yr old virgin… for years I hid behind weight as the fun fat friend that everyone loved that was just single… emotional walls were fortified and no chance of feeling anything for anyone. Decided enough is enough, started working on myself, and took the leap by searching for an escort to help break the ice(and lessen the rejection chances) I somehow found the needle in the haystack, as he was perfect. He built my confidence in ways he will never know. In addition to educating me on safety, he was kind and patient exploring things that may bring me pleasure and truly caring. Still not “out” but feel that step isn’t far away. -114 lbs as of this morning and finding who I am… damn the religious guilt and family disappointment I am happier than I’ve been. Thx for listening.😃

[+ Charlie]

I grew up in the 1950s, so I didn't know what the term "gay" meant until I discovered that it described me. To me, "coming out of the closet" was what one did when one found the piece of clothing one was looking for. My first sexual experience occurred when I was a senior in high school, with an attractive guy in his early 20s who picked me up in a public men's room where I was simply expecting to use the toilet. When he asked me after the experience, "Are you gay?" I thought it was an odd way of asking whether I was happy about what we had done together, so of course I said, "Yes!" The next day I described the whole thing to my best friend, who had never heard the term "gay" either, and I was surprised to learn that he had been having sex with an older teen on his newspaper delivery route since he was 13. From then on I thought "gay" was a secret term known only to sexually experienced older males;  by the time I graduated from college, I realized that most of the experienced males with whom I had sex recognized the term.

I wasn't openly "gay": I still dated girls and had a steady girlfriend in college. However, in my junior year of college, I had what was described as a "nervous breakdown" at college, so my parents sent me to see a psychologist. When he asked about my romantic relationships,  I was open to him about my double life, and he said that the best thing I could do to resolve the stress caused by my double identity would be to be honest with my parents and my girl friend, so I went home and "came out" to my parents. They were surprised, but not as shocked as I had feared.  My father revealed to me that his cousin Fred and the "friend" whom he had lived with for years were actually domestic partners, and were accepted as such by the family, although they never spoke openly about it except among other adult family members. When I explained to my girlfriend that my breakdown was because I was sexually attracted to males, her response was, "Is that all?!" I think she was rather naive, and we did break up.

By the time I graduated from college, I understood that there was a "gay world" out there, and I could be a part of it if I wanted to. Within a year I was living in the center of a new city with a gay friend, and had an openly gay social life. I began a career in which I could be honest about who I was without flaunting it, because my employers and co-workers were sophisticated and accepting. Before long I was active in organizations that actually had the word "gay" in their titles. I never had any problem accepting that I was "gay," because it was simply a label that explained who I really was, though I was glad that when marriage between two men became legally possible, it was described as "same sex marriage" rather than "gay marriage."

Edited February 9 by Charlie

[CuriousByNature]

I appreciate reading the posts here, especially as someone with zero romantic experience at the age of 51.  These stories resonate with me.  And I don't feel like I'm as much of a unicorn as I used to.   And no, I'm not going to talk about my horn.

In addition to overthinking many things to the point of inaction, I also have no idea where I sit along the sexuality spectrum.  When I think of long term partnerships my thoughts are of women, but when I think of physical attraction, it's most often men.  I'm very happy that some others here have been able to shed the cloak of virginity and find satisfying sexual encounters starting in their 40s and beyond, and it gives me a tiny bit of hope for myself.   But with each year that passes I know there is less and less likelihood that someone out there would have an interest in being physically involved with me, so in my mind the possibilities are dwindling as time passes, and eventually any remaining chance will have disappeared.   Sort of like my own biological clock - lol.  I felt this way even in my 20s, so this isn't a new reality by any stretch.  Ugh - what I wouldn't give to just be able to go out and do something about it, and then hopefully realize it wasn't as overwhelming as it had seemed.

[+ ApexNomad]

1 hour ago, CuriousByNature said:

I appreciate reading the posts here, especially as someone with zero romantic experience at the age of 51.  These stories resonate with me.  And I don't feel like I'm as much of a unicorn as I used to.   And no, I'm not going to talk about my horn.

In addition to overthinking many things to the point of inaction, I also have no idea where I sit along the sexuality spectrum.  When I think of long term partnerships my thoughts are of women, but when I think of physical attraction, it's most often men.  I'm very happy that some others here have been able to shed the cloak of virginity and find satisfying sexual encounters starting in their 40s and beyond, and it gives me a tiny bit of hope for myself.   But with each year that passes I know there is less and less likelihood that someone out there would have an interest in being physically involved with me, so in my mind the possibilities are dwindling as time passes, and eventually any remaining chance will have disappeared.   Sort of like my own biological clock - lol.  I felt this way even in my 20s, so this isn't a new reality by any stretch.  Ugh - what I wouldn't give to just be able to go out and do something about it, and then hopefully realize it wasn't as overwhelming as it had seemed.

There’s no set timeline for love or sexual discovery—51 is as good a time as any to explore who you are and what you want.

Your journey is uniquely yours, and it’s fine if it doesn’t fit neatly into a box or timeline. Truly.

Please be gentle with yourself. The idea of a “biological clock” can feel oppressive. Your value isn’t determined by past experiences—or the lack thereof. Every step you take toward understanding yourself is progress, even if it feels small.

Lastly, if you ever feel overwhelmed by these thoughts, perhaps talking to a therapist who specializes in relationships or sexuality might help. They can provide guidance and tools to manage overthinking and help you navigate these feelings with more clarity.

Keep being open to the possibilities—sometimes, taking that initial small step can reveal that the unknown isn’t as overwhelming as it first appears.

Wishing you all the best on your journey.

[ShortCutie7]

10 hours ago, CuriousByNature said:

I appreciate reading the posts here, especially as someone with zero romantic experience at the age of 51.  These stories resonate with me.  And I don't feel like I'm as much of a unicorn as I used to.   And no, I'm not going to talk about my horn.

In addition to overthinking many things to the point of inaction, I also have no idea where I sit along the sexuality spectrum.  When I think of long term partnerships my thoughts are of women, but when I think of physical attraction, it's most often men.  I'm very happy that some others here have been able to shed the cloak of virginity and find satisfying sexual encounters starting in their 40s and beyond, and it gives me a tiny bit of hope for myself.   But with each year that passes I know there is less and less likelihood that someone out there would have an interest in being physically involved with me, so in my mind the possibilities are dwindling as time passes, and eventually any remaining chance will have disappeared.   Sort of like my own biological clock - lol.  I felt this way even in my 20s, so this isn't a new reality by any stretch.  Ugh - what I wouldn't give to just be able to go out and do something about it, and then hopefully realize it wasn't as overwhelming as it had seemed.

I’m in my mid-30s and have zero romantic experience.  Sure, I’ve had hookups and even been on a couple of dates, but my life situation doesn’t lend itself to dating/having a boyfriend (even if I were straight).  It’s a little different for me since I have zero attraction to women, but I’ve also felt that “biological clock” since my early 20s when it hit me that I had never been in a relationship.

[+ sniper]

I think there's a big cohort of Gen X that are "late bloomers" because we came of age at a time when as often as not you found out someone was gay because they died of AIDS. There really wasn't very good HARD data on routes of transmission partly because people were too embarrassed to talk explicitly about what they were doing. So a lot of us figured we'd just stick to our hands. I finally allowed myself to act on it when i was turning 27, about 3 years after the first meds that really worked came out. By then I think almost everyone who knew me assumed I was asexual. It was a few years before I told my college friends.  Immediate family must know but we never discuss. Parents are long dead. I don't date because I don't really have the emotional bandwidth for a relationship now due to other family responsibilities that nobody else is stepping up on. That is a bit of a regret but I'm not seeing the circumstances changing any time soon. And by the time they do I suspect I will lack the drive to pursue.

[+ nycman]

 

[ICTJOCK]

I think it would be interesting for the original OP to define  "later in life".     For me I was in my late 20's when I came out.    A variety of reasons,   I was in college and graduate school,  additional education and then had to apply myself in establishing my career.    I didn't make time for my sexuality and I had made the decision I wanted to ignore it.     What changed my mind?     I decided I was worth exploring who I am as a person,   being gay a part of it.    That was interesting and fun.

[ShortCutie7]

4 hours ago, sniper said:

 I think almost everyone who knew me assumed I was asexual. 

That’s how I think I’m perceived, as well!

[CuriousByNature]

2 hours ago, ShortCutie7 said:

That’s how I think I’m perceived, as well!

[MaybeMaybeNot]

On 2/9/2025 at 8:02 PM, CuriousByNature said:

I appreciate reading the posts here, especially as someone with zero romantic experience at the age of 51.  These stories resonate with me.  And I don't feel like I'm as much of a unicorn as I used to.   And no, I'm not going to talk about my horn.

In addition to overthinking many things to the point of inaction, I also have no idea where I sit along the sexuality spectrum.  When I think of long term partnerships my thoughts are of women, but when I think of physical attraction, it's most often men.  I'm very happy that some others here have been able to shed the cloak of virginity and find satisfying sexual encounters starting in their 40s and beyond, and it gives me a tiny bit of hope for myself.   But with each year that passes I know there is less and less likelihood that someone out there would have an interest in being physically involved with me, so in my mind the possibilities are dwindling as time passes, and eventually any remaining chance will have disappeared.   Sort of like my own biological clock - lol.  I felt this way even in my 20s, so this isn't a new reality by any stretch.  Ugh - what I wouldn't give to just be able to go out and do something about it, and then hopefully realize it wasn't as overwhelming as it had seemed.

Don't discount your sex appeal at 51. That's a hot age. My partner is 65, and I an crazy about him. 

[Peter Eater]

Hateful religions and fearful families seem to be common elements to many of the interesting stories in this thread. Tribal loyalties, which demand assimilation, can be repressive. Integrate, don’t assimilate - including into gay life.

Thanks for sharing these stories.

 

[CuriousByNature]

4 hours ago, Peter Eater said:

Hateful religions and fearful families seem to be common elements to many of the interesting stories in this thread. Tribal loyalties, which demand assimilation, can be repressive. Integrate, don’t assimilate - including into gay life.

Thanks for sharing these stories.

 

I would respectfully suggest it isn't 'hateful religions' per se, but rather, the hateful interpretation of religion by certain followers.  Not that this distinction makes things any easier for those suffering through the effects.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I was/am a late starter. I am still only out of the closet to a few in my personal life.

For me, I was the quintessential good kid. After attending a drug/alcohol treatment class to support my sister, I realized that I was an invisible child (the one who doesn't draw attention to himself because everyone else is getting attention--one for good things, the other for bad--and I just did what I was supposed to). My parents started going to church when I was in later elementary.

Once I came to realize I had an attraction to men, I knew it was not acceptable to the church or to my parents. I remember my 7thy grade health class teacher showing a video where it was said being gay was okay, and I had the distinct idea that it wasn't and that my parents wouldn't like the video.

I went to a conservative religious college, where the narrative was that people weren't born gay and there were therapies to help them. Those ministries were promoted in church. I never pursued them because I was so ashamed and didn't want to find healing, only to carry the label with me throughout my life. As I witnessed with someone I knew in my past, it didn't seem to make sense to do the work to become ex-gay, only to bear that label for the rest of your life.

After a lifetime of doing what I was supposed to do and being the good kid, the good Christian, I finally hooked up with a guy I found online when I was 32. I was frustrated. Despite trying my best to make the best decisions, my life was falling apart (career, finances, dreams). Then, hooking up (or actually trying to hook up) became an increasingly more frequent activity. But I still told myself, if my finances changed, I would join one of those programs to change me.

At 40, I moved across country alone, and I had to confront my sexual identity. I tried joining church groups and secular groups to make friends, and it just wasn't happening. It's hard to make friends at that age, and I was accustomed to a robust friend group. I wanted to check out one of those therapy groups to stop being gay, but I couldn't afford it or make the commitment with a difficult work schedule. I was still hooking up, but I turned down any friendships that would have extended beyond the bedroom, afraid of identifying as gay, getting outed by people from my church groups, and then never being able to get married to a woman. During this period, I would go to YouTube and watch testimonies of people who were converted out of homosexuality. I used it to encourage me. Then, I stumbled onto a video from CBN, of all places, which showed the ministry's changing attitudes toward homosexuality. Among those interviewed was a Christian researcher who basically said, "There is no scientific evidence that therapy can actually change sexual orientation." It was eye-opening. I had already been disillusioned by the church's response to Trump's infidelities ("locker room talk") in comparison to how they told us to think during the era of Clinton's infidelities, and I had an angry talk with God as I walked down the street. Long story short, I realized that the church's view of homosexuality is changing, and I couldn't wait for their permission to live my life. I would be dead before they realized they were wrong, and that wouldn't do me any good. Clearly, looking at our political leaders, they weren't even consistent. Looking back, I felt like God had placed gay people in my life to tell me I was gay, and I was so in denial, I couldn't accept it. I was in a cult, really, where I was looking at myself in the mirror and denying what was right before my eyes. I had spent my life in agony over my desires, something I couldn't stop, and I made the decision right there to stop feeling defective.

I am still only out to a few people. There is a trauma to coming out, even when you know 98% of people will support you. I no longer attend a church, but I don't blame God and still identify with my religion.

That's the quick version that cuts out a lot of my growth, questions, struggles, challenges, and insights.

 

 

[+ ApexNomad]

6 hours ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

I was/am a late starter. I am still only out of the closet to a few in my personal life.

For me, I was the quintessential good kid. After attending a drug/alcohol treatment class to support my sister, I realized that I was an invisible child (the one who doesn't draw attention to himself because everyone else is getting attention--one for good things, the other for bad--and I just did what I was supposed to). My parents started going to church when I was in later elementary.

Once I came to realize I had an attraction to men, I knew it was not acceptable to the church or to my parents. I remember my 7thy grade health class teacher showing a video where it was said being gay was okay, and I had the distinct idea that it wasn't and that my parents wouldn't like the video.

I went to a conservative religious college, where the narrative was that people weren't born gay and there were therapies to help them. Those ministries were promoted in church. I never pursued them because I was so ashamed and didn't want to find healing, only to carry the label with me throughout my life. As I witnessed with someone I knew in my past, it didn't seem to make sense to do the work to become ex-gay, only to bear that label for the rest of your life.

After a lifetime of doing what I was supposed to do and being the good kid, the good Christian, I finally hooked up with a guy I found online when I was 32. I was frustrated. Despite trying my best to make the best decisions, my life was falling apart (career, finances, dreams). Then, hooking up (or actually trying to hook up) became an increasingly more frequent activity. But I still told myself, if my finances changed, I would join one of those programs to change me.

At 40, I moved across country alone, and I had to confront my sexual identity. I tried joining church groups and secular groups to make friends, and it just wasn't happening. It's hard to make friends at that age, and I was accustomed to a robust friend group. I wanted to check out one of those therapy groups to stop being gay, but I couldn't afford it or make the commitment with a difficult work schedule. I was still hooking up, but I turned down any friendships that would have extended beyond the bedroom, afraid of identifying as gay, getting outed by people from my church groups, and then never being able to get married to a woman. During this period, I would go to YouTube and watch testimonies of people who were converted out of homosexuality. I used it to encourage me. Then, I stumbled onto a video from CBN, of all places, which showed the ministry's changing attitudes toward homosexuality. Among those interviewed was a Christian researcher who basically said, "There is no scientific evidence that therapy can actually change sexual orientation." It was eye-opening. I had already been disillusioned by the church's response to Trump's infidelities ("locker room talk") in comparison to how they told us to think during the era of Clinton's infidelities, and I had an angry talk with God as I walked down the street. Long story short, I realized that the church's view of homosexuality is changing, and I couldn't wait for their permission to live my life. I would be dead before they realized they were wrong, and that wouldn't do me any good. Clearly, looking at our political leaders, they weren't even consistent. Looking back, I felt like God had placed gay people in my life to tell me I was gay, and I was so in denial, I couldn't accept it. I was in a cult, really, where I was looking at myself in the mirror and denying what was right before my eyes. I had spent my life in agony over my desires, something I couldn't stop, and I made the decision right there to stop feeling defective.

I am still only out to a few people. There is a trauma to coming out, even when you know 98% of people will support you. I no longer attend a church, but I don't blame God and still identify with my religion.

That's the quick version that cuts out a lot of my growth, questions, struggles, challenges, and insights.

 

 

You should consider your writing as ways to explore and express your desires, feelings, thoughts—let your imagination soar. And if ever you feel so inclined one day, I think many would benefit here from reading about the insights you’ve gained over the course of your journey so far. 

[CuriousByNature]

6 hours ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

I was/am a late starter. I am still only out of the closet to a few in my personal life.

For me, I was the quintessential good kid. After attending a drug/alcohol treatment class to support my sister, I realized that I was an invisible child (the one who doesn't draw attention to himself because everyone else is getting attention--one for good things, the other for bad--and I just did what I was supposed to). My parents started going to church when I was in later elementary.

Once I came to realize I had an attraction to men, I knew it was not acceptable to the church or to my parents. I remember my 7thy grade health class teacher showing a video where it was said being gay was okay, and I had the distinct idea that it wasn't and that my parents wouldn't like the video.

I went to a conservative religious college, where the narrative was that people weren't born gay and there were therapies to help them. Those ministries were promoted in church. I never pursued them because I was so ashamed and didn't want to find healing, only to carry the label with me throughout my life. As I witnessed with someone I knew in my past, it didn't seem to make sense to do the work to become ex-gay, only to bear that label for the rest of your life.

After a lifetime of doing what I was supposed to do and being the good kid, the good Christian, I finally hooked up with a guy I found online when I was 32. I was frustrated. Despite trying my best to make the best decisions, my life was falling apart (career, finances, dreams). Then, hooking up (or actually trying to hook up) became an increasingly more frequent activity. But I still told myself, if my finances changed, I would join one of those programs to change me.

At 40, I moved across country alone, and I had to confront my sexual identity. I tried joining church groups and secular groups to make friends, and it just wasn't happening. It's hard to make friends at that age, and I was accustomed to a robust friend group. I wanted to check out one of those therapy groups to stop being gay, but I couldn't afford it or make the commitment with a difficult work schedule. I was still hooking up, but I turned down any friendships that would have extended beyond the bedroom, afraid of identifying as gay, getting outed by people from my church groups, and then never being able to get married to a woman. During this period, I would go to YouTube and watch testimonies of people who were converted out of homosexuality. I used it to encourage me. Then, I stumbled onto a video from CBN, of all places, which showed the ministry's changing attitudes toward homosexuality. Among those interviewed was a Christian researcher who basically said, "There is no scientific evidence that therapy can actually change sexual orientation." It was eye-opening. I had already been disillusioned by the church's response to Trump's infidelities ("locker room talk") in comparison to how they told us to think during the era of Clinton's infidelities, and I had an angry talk with God as I walked down the street. Long story short, I realized that the church's view of homosexuality is changing, and I couldn't wait for their permission to live my life. I would be dead before they realized they were wrong, and that wouldn't do me any good. Clearly, looking at our political leaders, they weren't even consistent. Looking back, I felt like God had placed gay people in my life to tell me I was gay, and I was so in denial, I couldn't accept it. I was in a cult, really, where I was looking at myself in the mirror and denying what was right before my eyes. I had spent my life in agony over my desires, something I couldn't stop, and I made the decision right there to stop feeling defective.

I am still only out to a few people. There is a trauma to coming out, even when you know 98% of people will support you. I no longer attend a church, but I don't blame God and still identify with my religion.

That's the quick version that cuts out a lot of my growth, questions, struggles, challenges, and insights.

 

 

Thank you for sharing that, and I'm very sorry you did not find support in your church.  It's true that many churches are shifting in their views, but the sad fact is that there will always be those people - even in more 'open' congregations - who will not support same-sex relationships.  It's encouraging to know you still identify with your faith - I truly hope that will sustain you until you are able to find a congregation that will not only accept you, but celebrate you for who you are.  Those communities are our there.

[Peter Eater]

7 hours ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

I was/am a late starter. I am still only out of the closet to a few in my personal life.

For me, I was the quintessential good kid. After attending a drug/alcohol treatment class to support my sister, I realized that I was an invisible child (the one who doesn't draw attention to himself because everyone else is getting attention--one for good things, the other for bad--and I just did what I was supposed to). My parents started going to church when I was in later elementary.

Once I came to realize I had an attraction to men, I knew it was not acceptable to the church or to my parents. I remember my 7thy grade health class teacher showing a video where it was said being gay was okay, and I had the distinct idea that it wasn't and that my parents wouldn't like the video.

I went to a conservative religious college, where the narrative was that people weren't born gay and there were therapies to help them. Those ministries were promoted in church. I never pursued them because I was so ashamed and didn't want to find healing, only to carry the label with me throughout my life. As I witnessed with someone I knew in my past, it didn't seem to make sense to do the work to become ex-gay, only to bear that label for the rest of your life.

After a lifetime of doing what I was supposed to do and being the good kid, the good Christian, I finally hooked up with a guy I found online when I was 32. I was frustrated. Despite trying my best to make the best decisions, my life was falling apart (career, finances, dreams). Then, hooking up (or actually trying to hook up) became an increasingly more frequent activity. But I still told myself, if my finances changed, I would join one of those programs to change me.

At 40, I moved across country alone, and I had to confront my sexual identity. I tried joining church groups and secular groups to make friends, and it just wasn't happening. It's hard to make friends at that age, and I was accustomed to a robust friend group. I wanted to check out one of those therapy groups to stop being gay, but I couldn't afford it or make the commitment with a difficult work schedule. I was still hooking up, but I turned down any friendships that would have extended beyond the bedroom, afraid of identifying as gay, getting outed by people from my church groups, and then never being able to get married to a woman. During this period, I would go to YouTube and watch testimonies of people who were converted out of homosexuality. I used it to encourage me. Then, I stumbled onto a video from CBN, of all places, which showed the ministry's changing attitudes toward homosexuality. Among those interviewed was a Christian researcher who basically said, "There is no scientific evidence that therapy can actually change sexual orientation." It was eye-opening. I had already been disillusioned by the church's response to Trump's infidelities ("locker room talk") in comparison to how they told us to think during the era of Clinton's infidelities, and I had an angry talk with God as I walked down the street. Long story short, I realized that the church's view of homosexuality is changing, and I couldn't wait for their permission to live my life. I would be dead before they realized they were wrong, and that wouldn't do me any good. Clearly, looking at our political leaders, they weren't even consistent. Looking back, I felt like God had placed gay people in my life to tell me I was gay, and I was so in denial, I couldn't accept it. I was in a cult, really, where I was looking at myself in the mirror and denying what was right before my eyes. I had spent my life in agony over my desires, something I couldn't stop, and I made the decision right there to stop feeling defective.

I am still only out to a few people. There is a trauma to coming out, even when you know 98% of people will support you. I no longer attend a church, but I don't blame God and still identify with my religion.

That's the quick version that cuts out a lot of my growth, questions, struggles, challenges, and insights.

 

 

I am so sorry for the abuse you have suffered at the hands of your family and your church. It borders on the criminal.

[Peter Eater]

1 hour ago, ApexNomad said:

You should consider your writing as ways to explore and express your desires, feelings, thoughts—let your imagination soar. And if ever you feel so inclined one day, I think many would benefit here from reading about the insights you’ve gained over the course of your journey so far. 

Good advice. Therapy with an abuse specialist might also help.

[jeezifonly]

I think most of us men who eventually have sex with men knew something about ourselves long before puberty or any sort of biological education that defined it. 
I had a girlfriend of 5yrs and a female FWB before I first had a man at age 24. I knew from my first orgasm in the shower at age 12 where my passions lay, and it took another 12 to manifest. But we all exist within a society that molds (for better or worse) our sense of self-worth. Delays in comprehension of ourselves are rarely solely self-determined. 

[MaybeMaybeNot]

1 hour ago, Peter Eater said:

I am so sorry for the abuse you have suffered at the hands of your family and your church. It borders on the criminal.

Thank you. There are times when I look back over my life and wonder what might have been if I had been allowed to figure out I was gay sooner. I would have loved to have built a life with someone from a young age and had children, among other things. But then, I love my partner now and am so hankful to have him.

I loved my parents. My mom, who would have been devastated if I came out, was a warrior, and I miss her so much. My dad, who said plenty of anti-gay things when I was growing up (he wasn't too bright) would have said,  "I just want you to be happy."

As for my church and college,  I still have good friends from those days and love all those people.  Although we were taught being gay was a sin, etc., people were treated with love and respect.  I will always speak highly of my two pastors. Not that it wasn't damaging, but also, a lot of good came out of it.