Looking for Intimacy in the Wrong Places

[PiSquared]

I’ve been reflecting on my activities with Rentmen and Sniffies. If you’re like me, I’ve told myself that the pull toward these apps has been my strong desire for male intimacy, something I’ve lacked much of my life. But it’s turned into trying to gain intimacy through sex only. And while it’s been addicting, it satisfies for only the moment. It leaves me wanting more but feeling empty. I’m slowly learning that intimacy is much more than sex. It’s conversation, trust, sharing stories, supporting and getting to know one another beyond the sex. Finding that on Rentmen and Sniffies is damn near impossible. I’ve tried with RM providers and guys I meet on Sniffies, without success. Anyone feel the same? Thoughts? Ideas? Thanks. 

[Guest]

Yes, I’ve had similar thoughts/feelings and realizations. I’ve only been active in this hobby for about eight months (RM only), and have had many experiences with different providers in that time (all positive). Some have been single engagements, others multiple. I, too, have had feelings of emptiness. And I agree there’s a difference between recreational sex and intimacy, and wonder what it is I’m really looking for from it. Here’s what I’ve come up with for myself:

1. I do enjoy sex for its own sake, and that’s ok provided I know that’s what I’m needing in that moment. All of my RM experiences have met this need.

2. I also desire something more substantive or intimate—conversation, trust, sharing, mutual support. I’ve found this to varying degrees in three regular providers. Those encounters never leave me feeling empty.

3. I distinguish between intimacy and an actual relationship, which would be a more sustained intimacy over time. I’ve come to realize I’m not looking for a relationship; that need is met for me by others in my life.

4. For me, RM can definitely meet my desire for sex; that’s easy to find. It also has met my need for intimacy; more elusive but attainable with compatible providers.

5. I’ve not sought and don’t believe RM is a good lead for sustaining relationships. I think at best is the opportunity for what I call a professional friendship, which for me meets my need for male intimacy with some definite limits.

6. Still discerning from past experiences, and will learn from future ones. 

[SouthOfTheBorder]

2 hours ago, PiSquared said:

I’ve tried with RM providers and guys I meet on Sniffies, without success

those aren’t the apps to use if you want to meet someone for more than sex.  or, at least the probability is much lower.

use the more mainstream apps like Grindr, Scruff, Hornet - make it clear you’re looking for more than sex & you will only meet for coffee or drinks first, before any sex.  That screens out 95%+ of the people that want sex only and you might actually meet someone decent. 

i met my now husband online many years ago with exactly that strategy - it’s possible.  

I think it’s a better strategy to write a profile that is more about screening out the people you don’t want - something like “NO DRUGS” “NO PNP”.  Instead of writing to attract more people. 

Edited February 8 by SouthOfTheBorder

[pubic_assistance]

15 hours ago, SouthOfTheBorder said:

use the more mainstream apps like Grindr, Scruff, Hornet -

Maybe I'm wrong but isn't TINDER the dating app ?

All these others are hook up sites . 

Just more sex.  No one looking for intimacy. 

[liubit]

I am married to a wonderful man, and that’s where I get deep intimacy. However, I love sex, and I have a pretty active extra-marital sex life, both with paid and unpaid companions. No real long-lasting intimacy there, just great times together and a feeling of intimacy while the encounter lasts. Someone said that I fall in love one meeting at a time, and I guess this is good way to describe it. 

Full disclosure: my husband (a few years younger than I am) knows absolutely everything about my “sexcapades” and is more than fine with them, as I am with the rare times he plays with others (my sex drive is WAY WAY higher than his). We have a totally open relationship that has worked for us in our 20+ years together. 

[+ APPLE1]

Just by virtue of it being a gay app makes it a hook up app right??? LOL!

Excluding the apps marketed for selling services, you can make any app what you want it to be. I think guys looking for more than a hook up are in the minority on the apps, but you can do it. I've done it. I've known others that have done it.

As I have traveled, I have noticed regional differences in app usage too. How popular they are in an area, and how many guys in an area seem use a particular app for hook ups or dating.

[soloyo215]

On 2/8/2024 at 5:19 AM, PiSquared said:

I’ve been reflecting on my activities with Rentmen and Sniffies. If you’re like me, I’ve told myself that the pull toward these apps has been my strong desire for male intimacy, something I’ve lacked much of my life. But it’s turned into trying to gain intimacy through sex only. And while it’s been addicting, it satisfies for only the moment. It leaves me wanting more but feeling empty. I’m slowly learning that intimacy is much more than sex. It’s conversation, trust, sharing stories, supporting and getting to know one another beyond the sex. Finding that on Rentmen and Sniffies is damn near impossible. I’ve tried with RM providers and guys I meet on Sniffies, without success. Anyone feel the same? Thoughts? Ideas? Thanks. 

Interesting topic. In my experience, and also witnessing the life of people I care about, friends and family, I have seen many times the issue of lack of intimate connection, and ways of dealing wit it, many times. Personally I have concluded that this is part of people's own journey in life, and I am no one to tell what (or if there) is a right way of dealing with our own desire for intimate connections. First, I've found that what that means for different people is not the same. Some men are quite happy with having casual affairs every now and then and living their lives by themselves. Others seem to have a strong need and starve for the care and attention of another man in an intimate way, and have taken care of it in ways that are healthy, and in ways that are unhealthy.

One of my friends is in some kind of recovery program from sex addiction, which he defines as en excessive consumption of his own financial and emotional resources in the pursue of intimacy and excitement in the form of casual sexual encounters. He told me that he has "tried it all" in the sexual expression arena. His recovery program seems to be focused in looking for that connection in ways that are not harmful to him. I'm no mental health expert, so I cannot comment on how effective his approach is. He seems ok and he's still my friend, so I guess that whatever he's doing works for him.

Early in my adult life as a gay man, I immediately started noticing the issue of disconnection between us. I remember thinking "How come that we are so many, we know each other, we are together, we live the same or similar experience, we suffer similar social oppresions and struggles and yet, it seems like we just fail to find each other?" Through the decades, I've seen many gay men expressing their loneliness and starve for intimate connections, but sadly, when you take a closer look, none of their actions, attitudes and beliefs lead to legitimately looking for it, or willingness to provide it to others. Some are more interested in physical attributes, social status, or in the ridiculous fantasy of getting intimacy from a heterosexual man (a person who by the very definition of who they are, doesn't like you and has no interest in intimacy with you).

Some providers have offered me their friendship, and I have accepted it in some cases. One masseur actually hinted me that wanted to get to know me a little more (that's when I told him that I forgot to mention that I am married). My point is that even if there is a slight possibility that a provider might show some interest in something deeper, the reality and the possibility are minimal, and that is aside from the degree of comfort that a client might have with the provider continuing providing to other clients, had something deeper develops.

Then there's the issue of what does such intimacy look to you. Does it involve love, sex, frienship, support, presence when you are in need, or a combination of any of the above? That is something that we define for our own selves, and then that's something that we decide where (or if) to look for it.

I hope you find what you need and find it in a way that is healthy for your wellbeing and for your wallet.

Edited February 9 by soloyo215

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

9 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Maybe I'm wrong but isn't TINDER the dating app ?

All these others are hook up sites . 

Just more sex.  No one looking for intimacy. 

I have had several dates, and one long term relationship, with men I met on Grindr, Adam 4 Adam, and Growlr.

[pubic_assistance]

10 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I have had several dates, and one long term relationship, with men I met on Grindr, Adam 4 Adam, and Growlr.

Not saying it's not POSSIBLE

Just saying it's not where I would start looking 

[soloyo215]

36 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Not saying it's not POSSIBLE

Just saying it's not where I would start looking 

I cannot agree more. When it comes to relationships, I have what I call "a resume". Before my husband of 22 years, I had several other relationships. All of them started what people seem to think it's the "right way", that is, meeting in a place/setting that doesn't involve cruising or sex, date and get to know a little bit before decide to have sex. Not rushing things, getting to know a little more about their world, family, friends, etc. All of that I did. Not a one of those relationships went anywhere. In fact, some of them were quite toxic and dysfunctional.

11 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I have had several dates, and one long term relationship, with men I met on Grindr, Adam 4 Adam, and Growlr.

I cannot agree more. With my now husband, I knew what his ass tastes like before learning his name. We fucked the hell of each other in a place that definitely deserves the title of "dirty place" because is was seedy and filthy. We paired up fucking every other guy who came to that filthy place, and took turns in some impromptu gangbang. We exchanged numbers, and I forgot about it, as I was living in NJ, and that encounter was in Philly. About a month later I decided to take another trip there and called him, and we agreed to meet at a cafe. That was our first date, and I had no idea that it was (I was more interested in tallking about what groups sex setting we were going to partake that day). The rest is... not exactly history, actually. We decided to date, but then I lost my job in NJ, then my car, then my apartment, and in the meantime I decided to apply for a job in Philly and got it, so within a month of "dating" I was already living with him, which is supposed to be another big "no no" in the gay dating advise world. We never had a honeymoon period because immediately serious problems started happening on both our individual lives. He lost his job, I lost my mom, he got really sick, then I got really sick, then his new job had different schedule and we never saw each other, we went from dating to family crisis. And there were times that love was not the reason why we stayed together. Need and staying together being the least bad option was what kept us together at times. And here we are, 22 years later and cannot live without each other.

So yes, life is never an either/or thing. Possibilites always exist in unlikely places and settings.

Edited February 10 by soloyo215

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

28 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

10 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I have had several dates, and one long term relationship, with men I met on Grindr, Adam 4 Adam, and Growlr.

Not saying it's not POSSIBLE

Just saying it's not where I would start looking 

Well, I've had more relationship success on the apps than I have had looking for a boyfriend at the Bathhouse. 😁

Seriously, though, I had two long term relationships with men I met at naked events.  One was at men's naked yoga, and one was at a men's naked pool party.  Both events were non-sexual, but led to dates and relationships.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

1 minute ago, soloyo215 said:

I cannot agree more. When it comes to relationships, I have what I call "a resume". Before my husband of 22 years, I had several other relationships. All of them started what people seem to think it's the "right way", that is, meeting in a place/setting that doesn't involve cruising or sex, date and get to know a little bit before decide to have sex. Not rushing things, getting to know a little more about their world, family, friends, etc. All of that I did. Not a one of those relationships went anywhere. In fact, some of them were quite toxic and dysfunctional.

I cannot agree more. With my now husband, I knew what his ass tastes like before learning his name. We fucked the hell of each other in a place that definitely deserves the title of "dirty place" because is was seedy and filthy. We paired up fucking every other guy who came to that filthy place, and took turns in some impromptu gangbang. We exchanged numbers, and I forgot about it, as I was living in NJ, and that encounter was in Philly. About a month later I decided to take another trip there and called him, and we agreed to meet at a cafe. That was our first date, and I had no idea that it was (I was more interested in tallking about what groups sex setting we were going to partake that day). The rest is... not exactly history, actually. We decided to date, but then I lost my job in NJ, then my car, then my apartment, and in the meantime I decided to apply for a job in Philly and got it, so withing a month of "dating" I was already living with him, which is supposed to be another big "no no" in the gay dating advise world. We never had a honeymoon period because immediately serious problems started happening on both our individual lives. He lost his job, I lost my mom, he got really sick, then I got really sick, then his new job had different schedule and we never saw each other, we went from dating to family crisis. And there were times that love was not the reason why we stayued together. I need and that being the least bad option. And here we are, 22 years later and cannot live without each other.

So yes, life is never an either/or thing. Possibilites always exist in inlikely places and settings.

Sounds just like the plot to a Hallmark movie, or maybe a Disney fairytale!

Congratulations, and hot story🔥🔥🔥

[liubit]

1 hour ago, soloyo215 said:

I knew what his ass tastes like before learning his name. 

I love this line, @soloyo215, so graphic and so very true. Thank you for sharing your story. 

[Rudynate]

Back in the 90s.  I started asking myself why I couldn't find a nice guy to spend my life with.   I was spending a lot of time and energy in sex clubs.  It occurred to me that I might be looking for love in the wroing places.   I cut way back on the sex clubs and started dating.  And I had a rule for myself of no sex on the first date. It was a frustrating experience - it's true, you have to kiss a lof frogs before you find your prince. And guys weren't happy with no sex on the first date. Eventually, I met the perfect guy - tall, handsome, nice, smart - everything I could ask for. I stuck with my rule of no sex on the first date - he wasn't happy about it - thought I was blowing him off, but I assured him I wasn't. I told a friend, who knew him, "I'm going to nab this guy."  He said, "Don't you think you should check with him first?"  I said,"No, I already know he's ripe for picking." Long story short, we've been a couple for over 30 years. 

I think  that if I hadn't tested the hypothesis that sex clubs are a lousy place to find a husband, I might still be looking. 

[dbar123]

If you want intimacy, try Meetfighters.com. Wrestling is incredibly intimate