Friendship with A Gay-For-Pay Porn Star That (Sadly) Ended

[Guest]

Long post coming, but it’s a long story, so please hang with me…

 

Had my first-ever escort appointment, and first-ever (and only) gay sex experience, five-plus years ago, with a semi-well-known gay porn star. (Rentmen.)

 

Was not that into the sex. (I was bi-curious, but not that “bi,” and also not “that curious”). It sort of hurt, and wasn’t all that pleasant. Gay sex was not for me; but, to each his own. My curiosity was satisfied.

 

Nonetheless, I liked the escort, and we began a years-long friendship. 99.99% of which was not based on sex.

 

Over time, this guy became a real friend, and I was grateful for that. At the point before this ended, a couple of months ago, we had exchanged 6,500+ messages since 2017. Multiple times per day. No $ changed hands for this.

 

We shared details about girlfriends, wives, ex-wives, kids, family activities, jobs, hopes, dreams, problems, challenges, politics, and on and on.

 

Now and then, he’d invite me to come see him. (He lives in a distant state.) So when I’d go, I’d always pay him for his time. (“Selling time is what you do for a living,” was what I told him.)

 

However, he had already told me, at one point, “you don’t have to pay me any set rate, if at all. If you want to pay me, pay me whatever you want.” (He said texts and talks didn’t count.) So I went with the rate he quoted me from the start. (And this was only for time we spent together in the same geographic location; not texting or talking on the phone. He said talking was exempt.)

 

During my visits, there would occasionally be sex, in one form or another. (He encouraged me to stay at his house, and not at a hotel.) The sex was not why I kept going. I think he felt he had to offer this to me, even when I wasn’t really into it. Plus: often, we slept in separately, in his house. There were several visits where there was no sex at all. We weren’t even in the same room.

 

Anyway, this went on for years. Then suddenly, things got colder. He went silent, and when he came back, he said, in essence:

 

“You have been taking advantage of me for years. You need to pay me what you owe me for all the time I have spent with you. PAST TENSE.” He went on to say that a “fresh start” would be acceptable to him, as long as I made “consistent and meaningful” attempts to pay him for his “past tense” time.

 

I attempted to find out if there was an amount, or a gesture, which could settle this so-called debt. (Also, by the way, I had given him 50+ gifts from his Amazon wish list over the years. Freely, and without hesitation. I still don’t regret this. I gave these to him because he was my friend. This totaled thousands and thousands of dollars.)

 

What I do regret is the loss of someone who I thought was a real friend. The sex part was nothing. It sort of got in the way, in fact. I wouldn’t do that part again, for sure.

 

But I do miss him, in a totally platonic way. Our friendship is over, but I do feel a real sadness and sense of loss. He’s blocked me everywhere, so I can’t communicate with him. So it seems this is completely done.

 

Yes, I know he was an escort, and all of the aspects that this involves. But no, I didn’t think he was “faking it” as far as being my friend. In that regard, he invested even more time into our friendship than I did.

 

Any advice here, as I attempt to get over this, and move on?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[maninsoma]

I'm trying to make sense of what you wrote since I've never had a friendship like that.  By that I mean where I would buy thousands of dollars of gifts for someone whom I once hired as an escort but with whom I formed what seemed like a genuine friendship.  I don't buy gifts for friends regularly apart from maybe birthdays and Christmas (if that).  I take friends out to eat, but they reciprocate.  It's clearly not one sided where one is the gift giver and the other is the recipient, which is what I assume was going on in your friendship given what you wrote.  If it's one sided, it isn't much of a friendship unless you obviously make a lot more money and simply feel like being generous with someone because you know they are struggling financially.

I really don't know what was going on between you and your apparently former friend. If he considered his in person time with you to be on-the-clock, then the onus was on him to tell you his rate and let you decide whether you wanted to visit him.  Accepting whatever you offered and then stating years later that you weren't paying him as much as he felt was fair is just bad business on his part.

At any rate, I don't think you can do anything now other than move on.  Given that he's blocked you, he obviously is no longer interested in being a friend.  Either he simply did feel like you were a client with whom he got along and you got the wrong impression, and now he's annoyed you have been underpaying him and thus blocked you.  Or maybe he did consider you a friend and something happened to change those feelings (either something you said or did or simply some other outside thing in his life that made him reconsider your friendship).

[BuffaloKyle]

He said at the beginning money wasn't a big deal and to pay him whatever you wanted. Then one day it suddenly was. Sounds like something has come up in his life and he took it out on you. I've given this advice to other guys. If there's a local pride center near you get involved. Then you can make some gay friends who truly like you for you and not have anything financial involved with the friendship.

[Guest]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. 

I did get the impression that he was struggling financially, (and I clearly made a lot more money than he did) though he went to great lengths to demonstrate otherwise. (Unsuccessfully, at least to me.)  I was probably overly generous, but many of the things on his Amazon wish lists were obviously for his kid. (I am soft-hearted about things like that.) So I was trying to help him out, because he was at a financial disadvantage. (Or so I thought.)

The retro-price increase was, frankly, a real shock. Especially because I had told him repeatedly (after he refused to give me an any updated hourly rates), that he should be very direct with me about his expectations. When he wouldn't give me a price, I always said, "Then if this gets out of kilter with you, and you're not happy with what I'm paying you, then you have to tell me so." He never did.

Beyond all that, he has gotten into some legal trouble, and I had also tried to be supportive of him during this. I guess he became more like a brother to me, or perhaps our relationship became paternal. So not only do I regret the loss of his friendship, I also want him to be okay, and wish there was some way I could help. But I guess it's time to move on, although I still wish there was something I could do.

 

 

 

 

[Gymowner]

it appears the deeper your emotions got the more problems he encountered. exclusive but still at a parallel time. fortunately i learned a long long time ago that giving to someone means the other is taking. if that person doesnt become a giver in time... there will be a problem. when giving i always make sure the other person is doing something of value for the gift. men just respect that sort of situation. the former to most men shows a weakness and vulnerability that for the most part tends to make them take advantage of the person and situation.

hell even most women know they need to get a $200 dinner and wine before opening up their pussy. lol

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, BuffaloKyle said:

He said at the beginning money wasn't a big deal and to pay him whatever you wanted. Then one day it suddenly was. Sounds like something has come up in his life and he took it out on you. I've given this advice to other guys. If there's a local pride center near you get involved. Then you can make some gay friends who truly like you for you and not have anything financial involved with the friendship.

I think you are right about this, the money part. He always went to great lengths to demonstrate that he didn't need money, though it became obvious that he did. Maybe this was embarrassing to him. He also got into legal trouble, and I was also willing to help with that. 

The fact that he was gay, bisexual, gay-for-pay, (or whatever), quickly went out the window. It was of non consequence to me. He is/was a decent person, and I appreciated his friendship and time. It's especially sad that he's cut me off, probably because of his personal pride), and I can't be of assistance in any way. 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Gymowner said:

it appears the deeper your emotions got the more problems he encountered. exclusive but still at a parallel time. fortunately i learned a long long time ago that giving to someone means the other is taking. if that person doesnt become a giver in time... there will be a problem. when giving i always make sure the other person is doing something of value for the gift. men just respect that sort of situation. the former to most men shows a weakness and vulnerability that for the most part tends to make them take advantage of the person and situation.

hell even most women know they need to get a $200 dinner and wine before opening up their pussy. lol

You are absolutely right. As I became more and more empathetic, I think his personal problems were getting worse and worse. Both with his family, and legally. (A completely different story.) You are also right that, at some point, the balance shifted. The giving/taking became unbalanced. For either/both of us.

[Wanderoz]

You don’t pay for or buy friends. Those recipients aren’t friends. 

[Guest]

Just now, Wanderoz said:

You don’t pay for or buy friends. Those recipients aren’t friends. 

 

Just now, Wanderoz said:

You don’t pay for or buy friends. Those recipients aren’t friends. 

 

Just now, Wanderoz said:

You don’t pay for or buy friends. Those recipients aren’t friends. 

Well, I was paying for sex. That's for sure. But I was assured I was not paying for friendship. So when I received a retroactive bill, obviously after the fact, it was a surprise. Besides, as I said, he initiated more contact than I did. But maybe I was also "paying" him in this way, by giving him an ear. You make a good point.

[Bucky]

50+ gifts worth thousands and thousands of dollars?

Your friend has maybe formulated these types of connections with many different men over the years making him very good at what he does. 

[MikeBiDude]

Moderator note: obviously an active thread, but note it's getting moved to "the lounge".

[Guest]

Im sorry for your loss of this friendship, whatever it was. I do think there was a lot of confusion on both sides of it. Grieve for what you’ve lost and move forward, perhaps having learned some valuable lessons.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Bucky said:

50+ gifts worth thousands and thousands of dollars?

Your friend has maybe formulated these types of connections with many different men over the years making him very good at what he does. 

Sad, eye-opening, and entirely possible. For sure. 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Km411 said:

Im sorry for your loss of this friendship, whatever it was. I do think there was a lot of confusion on both sides of it. Grieve for what you’ve lost and move forward, perhaps having learned some valuable lessons.

Very true. Maybe I made wrong assumptions; maybe he did. Or (most likely) we both did. I guess "it was fun while it lasted"??

[jcmiami1]

I experienced someone like him years ago. These guys are expert and - I mean EXPERT manipulators. They tell you exactly what you want hear and transform themselves to whomever you imagine them to be - chameleon like. They love to play the role of a victim as well.  They drain you emotionally and financially and disappear when they’ve taken what they wanted. Best thing to have happened to you is that he blocked you everywhere. You need to move on and see this as a learning experience and eye opener. 

[Guest]

Yes, you are right. I was probably very naive, and very likely manipulated. He took advantage of my "good nature." I don't want to generalize or stereotype porn stars or escorts, but this scenario seems all-too-common for people who end up in these roles. Nothing wrong with them doing what they do, until they take advantage of others. At that point, it is no longer "harmless." Dishonesty is honest; and cruelty is cruel.

[marylander1940]

1 hour ago, that_masked_man said:

 

 

Anyway, this went on for years. Then suddenly, things got colder. He went silent, and when he came back, he said, in essence:

 

“You have been taking advantage of me for years. You need to pay me what you owe me for all the time I have spent with you. PAST TENSE.” He went on to say that a “fresh start” would be acceptable to him, as long as I made “consistent and meaningful” attempts to pay him for his “past tense” time.

 

 

 

It's not uncommon that towards the end of his career a gay-par-pay escort, pornstar, sugar boy, turns on the folks who supported him to show ungratefulness, resentment, demanding more. Sad but true! 

remember the good times, block him and move along! Watch over your shoulder occasionally! He's nuts!

[Guest]

Great advice, and also lol about "he's nuts." He has a backstory that defies description, and belief. (Don't they all, I suppose?)

 

[Luv2play]

If I understand your situation, you initially hired this bi or gay for pay escort off Rentmen mostly to satisfy your curiosity about having gay sex and since you say it hurt I assume he fucked you. You didn’t want to repeat that but wanted to see him again repeatedly based on mostly a platonic level and this went on for years with you travelling to his state far away. The odd time some sex might transpire but not the heavy stuff I assume,

Regarding payment for his time, you had a casual understanding that money need not change hands most of the time but expensive gifts he desired (since they were on his wish list) you willingly showered on him to the tune of thousands of dollars.

Then things turned frosty fairly suddenly and he demanded back payment sort of like the tax man coming at you for taxes unpaid from previous years. When you demurred, he blocked you. 
 

If this is an objective assessment of your situation, hurt as it may, since you obviously have strong feelings for his friendship, you should try to forget him as a part of your future and focus on other aspects of your life that give you happiness and satisfaction. 
 

I had a situation years ago a bit like yours but different in some major ways and I had to put a stop to our relationship. Fifteen years later I rarely think about him even when looking at his magnificent paintings in my home which I paid him to do as I was helping him to get established as an artist. His work became much more valuable later but he never sent me a bill for past work. 

[pubic_assistance]

Oh my.

Yet a other victim of a successful "hustler".

It was "pay-what-you-want" not don't pay me. This wasn't a relationship it was a long played hustle.

Sorry you were hurt. I happens to people all the time. A topic of conversation here more than once.

[+ sync]

Take care to secure or delete any online media data or accesses he could possibly exploit.

Paranoia is my friend.  🥺

[soloyo215]

I hope you can take the good of all you got from him and hold on to the good memories.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Luv2play said:

If I understand your situation, you initially hired this bi or gay for pay escort off Rentmen mostly to satisfy your curiosity about having gay sex and since you say it hurt I assume he fucked you. You didn’t want to repeat that but wanted to see him again repeatedly based on mostly a platonic level and this went on for years with you travelling to his state far away. The odd time some sex might transpire but not the heavy stuff I assume,

Regarding payment for his time, you had a casual understanding that money need not change hands most of the time but expensive gifts he desired (since they were on his wish list) you willingly showered on him to the tune of thousands of dollars.

Then things turned frosty fairly suddenly and he demanded back payment sort of like the tax man coming at you for taxes unpaid from previous years. When you demurred, he blocked you. 
 

If this is an objective assessment of your situation, hurt as it may, since you obviously have strong feelings for his friendship, you should try to forget him as a part of your future and focus on other aspects of your life that give you happiness and satisfaction. 
 

I had a situation years ago a bit like yours but different in some major ways and I had to put a stop to our relationship. Fifteen years later I rarely think about him even when looking at his magnificent paintings in my home which I paid him to do as I was helping him to get established as an artist. His work became much more valuable later but he never sent me a bill for past work. 

Your assessment of the situation is 100% accurate. Thank you for providing this clarity. I did like him very much, on a platonic level, and (admittedly), I overlooked a LOT. The blocking happened a couple of months ago, and I am finding it easier and easier to forget. But, honestly, it's been difficult. Since we were texting dozens of times a day, it's strange to suddenly not hear from him. Again, though, you have summed it up perfectly and accurately. I appreciate your insight, and thank you for replying. I need to move on, as so many people here have already said.

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, soloyo215 said:

I hope you can take the good of all you got from him and hold on to the good memories.

Yes, "it was fun while it lasted." We did a lot of enjoyable things together, all of which were great. The sex aspect, in my case, was sort of incidental, and not really desirable, after the first visit. Maybe it was even a stumbling block. That is not what I wanted from this "relationship," and it ultimately seemed to be more of a complication than an asset. Nonetheless, as you reminded me, I have a lot of good memories of my time with him. At least I have that.

[LAFreedom]

3 hours ago, jcmiami1 said:

I experienced someone like him years ago. These guys are expert and - I mean EXPERT manipulators. They tell you exactly what you want hear and transform themselves to whomever you imagine them to be - chameleon like. They love to play the role of a victim as well.  They drain you emotionally and financially and disappear when they’ve taken what they wanted. Best thing to have happened to you is that he blocked you everywhere. You need to move on and see this as a learning experience and eye opener. 

I agree. That's why they used to be called 'hustlers.' I have to remind myself from time to time (to paraphrase Bill Clinton's campaign) "It's the money stupid!" Whatever else there might be is secondary.