Friendship with A Gay-For-Pay Porn Star That (Sadly) Ended

[+ jessmapex]

A good escort is a friend for the time he is paid. If he is not friendly, he probably wont get hired again unless the client has some sort of fetish for getting mistreated. 

It's best to not expect any emotional connection with an escort. There may be an occasional exception to this, but it's rare. I know it's hard to not fall for a hot one you just had great time with, but you have to learn it to  get the most pleasure out of your hard earned money. It took me 15-20 years of hiring to get good at my game as a regular client. 

These days sob stories are easy to ascertain for truth Just this weekend, a very friendly guy i had great times with the prior weekend, told me he would not be able see me because he was sick and didnt want to spread the germs. Well, hours later he posted an instagram story hanging out, hugging, and being handsy with a bunch of friends the same evening. Did I feel hurt? May be a little. But was I surprised? Absolutely not.

[CuriousByNature]

I've never met with anyone, nor have I had the confidence to explore my curiosity with anyone.  But I could see myself getting into a similar situation as the one you have unfortunately found yourself in.  He's the only one who really knows why he became colder and more distant, and why he turned on you the way he did.  It doesn't sound like a hustle to me, and I'm wondering if it even has anything to do with you?  It could be that other things in his life are coming to a head, and he feels his only way to deal with it is to put up walls.  Financial gain did not seem to be a motivating factor for him with respect to your friendship, so it seems odd he would suddenly monetize your past time together and try to make you feel somehow responsible.  Or maybe there are some underlying mental health issues that cause him to sabotage healthy relationships.  My hope is that you can move past the shock of this happening, and that you can appropriately grieve the loss of this friend.  And, that he will be alright too.  

[MscleLovr]

The experienced posters here have given you some good advice @that_masked_man

My take on this is that, like me, you enjoy helping people. Also I suspect you have few friends that you can rely on. I don’t think that what you had was in any way a true friendship. This gay-porn guy probably instinctively realised your vulnerabilities and he exploited them for gain.

My strong advice is Move On. And you do that by following the advice given to victims of domestic abuse: cut all contact; change your email and cellphone number (and any other contact info this guy has on you); change the locks (if you haven’t already) as he may have made copies of your keys; change the alarm code on your property;  get rid of any items you bought when you were with him and put anything he gave you in the garbage; do not keep any memento or reminder of him around. 
 

You may be finding it difficult now but with time, it will be much easier.

[wsc]

I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV. But I would suggest the possibility that, although the gay sex wasn't to your liking, the same-sex companionship was. And beyond that, you fell in love with this man. Not a conventional man-on-man love, perhaps, but a form of love that gave you something you were yearning for and became a significant part of your life.

For his part, perhaps he just saw a good thing when he ran into it; being treated to gifts, dinners, and entertainment (I presume), with no sexual exchange expected or required, might describe the straight escort's dream relationship with a man, gay or not. His terse disengagement could be explained in a number of ways, some more likely than others: he found a better gig; his conscience began to bother him; the relative power balance (your greater wealth vs his relative impoverishment) began to make him feel emasculated and eventually resentful.

I can say all this because - been there, done that, and more than once. A difference in my circumstance was that I liked the sexual element of the relationship. But it was never central for me. I loved having someone to love, and found that aspect to be the most satisfying. And it was always the other that created the distance that came between us. Didn't understand it then, don't understand it now. But have no regrets for any of my loves. Except I'm no longer in their lives and am unaware of their circumstance. I just hope they're well and happy.

Don't know if I'm sorry this happened to you because I think you got something positive from it, even though it ended as it did. Take that good part, keep it, remember it, cherish it. But also learn from it for the next time. And for the one after that.

On my deathbed, I want to count the loves I've had, not the money I've saved.

Bon voyage!

[Guest]

9 hours ago, CuriousByNature said:

I've never met with anyone, nor have I had the confidence to explore my curiosity with anyone.  But I could see myself getting into a similar situation as the one you have unfortunately found yourself in.  He's the only one who really knows why he became colder and more distant, and why he turned on you the way he did.  It doesn't sound like a hustle to me, and I'm wondering if it even has anything to do with you?  It could be that other things in his life are coming to a head, and he feels his only way to deal with it is to put up walls.  Financial gain did not seem to be a motivating factor for him with respect to your friendship, so it seems odd he would suddenly monetize your past time together and try to make you feel somehow responsible.  Or maybe there are some underlying mental health issues that cause him to sabotage healthy relationships.  My hope is that you can move past the shock of this happening, and that you can appropriately grieve the loss of this friend.  And, that he will be alright too.  

Mental health wise, there was definitely something going on. Not saying that this did NOT make his actions a "hustle," but there were some issues in that department. He also had some legal troubles. In addition, there was also (what I suspect was) a suicide attempt, at one point.

My ongoing difficulty in letting this go is the sheer amount of time he invested in cultivating our friendship. Thousands and thousands of messages, which would not have been necessary, if he wanted to maintain me as a client. He spent so much time in contact with me, there was no way this was ever going to be equal, if he was watching the clock and keeping track.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, wsc said:

I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV. But I would suggest the possibility that, although the gay sex wasn't to your liking, the same-sex companionship was. And beyond that, you fell in love with this man. Not a conventional man-on-man love, perhaps, but a form of love that gave you something you were yearning for and became a significant part of your life.

For his part, perhaps he just saw a good thing when he ran into it; being treated to gifts, dinners, and entertainment (I presume), with no sexual exchange expected or required, might describe the straight escort's dream relationship with a man, gay or not. His terse disengagement could be explained in a number of ways, some more likely than others: he found a better gig; his conscience began to bother him; the relative power balance (your greater wealth vs his relative impoverishment) began to make him feel emasculated and eventually resentful.

I can say all this because - been there, done that, and more than once. A difference in my circumstance was that I liked the sexual element of the relationship. But it was never central for me. I loved having someone to love, and found that aspect to be the most satisfying. And it was always the other that created the distance that came between us. Didn't understand it then, don't understand it now. But have no regrets for any of my loves. Except I'm no longer in their lives and am unaware of their circumstance. I just hope they're well and happy.

Don't know if I'm sorry this happened to you because I think you got something positive from it, even though it ended as it did. Take that good part, keep it, remember it, cherish it. But also learn from it for the next time. And for the one after that.

On my deathbed, I want to count the loves I've had, not the money I've saved.

Bon voyage!

Very wise advice indeed. I had not considered the "love" aspect at all, because if there was "love," it was not the romantic kind. But your point is well-taken, and makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing it with me. It is very enlightening, and most definitely helpful.

[CuriousByNature]

3 hours ago, that_masked_man said:

Mental health wise, there was definitely something going on. Not saying that this did NOT make his actions a "hustle," but there were some issues in that department. He also had some legal troubles. In addition, there was also (what I suspect was) a suicide attempt, at one point.

My ongoing difficulty in letting this go is the sheer amount of time he invested in cultivating our friendship. Thousands and thousands of messages, which would not have been necessary, if he wanted to maintain me as a client. He spent so much time in contact with me, there was no way this was ever going to be equal, if he was watching the clock and keeping track.

It seems that he valued you a lot, for you as a person and not as a wallet.  But for whatever reason he may be unable to maintain healthy, functional relationships.  Functional in that the relationship seemed to be working for both of you, even if some might view it as unconventional.

 

[+ purplekow]

7 hours ago, that_masked_man said:

Very wise advice indeed. I had not considered the "love" aspect at all, because if there was "love," it was not the romantic kind. But your point is well-taken, and makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing it with me. It is very enlightening, and most definitely helpful.

So he has blocked you on all social media.  Might I suggest from a mental health point of view to get some closure.  Write him an old fashioned letter.  You have been to his home and so ou probably know the address.  Write out whatever it is you want to say.  After it is done.  Rip that first one up and write the second one with all the initial hurt and anger diffused.  Mail it out and forget about it and him.  He may try to contract you and at that point you can make a decision of finality but I would say don't return to the scene of this crime after the closing letter.  

[Guest]

On 1/2/2024 at 5:41 PM, sync said:

Take care to secure or delete any online media data or accesses he could possibly exploit.

Paranoia is my friend.  🥺

There was a little paranoia floating around in the back of my head after this whole situation unfolded, so what you say makes a lot of sense. Either something happened that changed his situation, he was not the person I thought, or he was just conning me. Regardless, I am not sure what he's capable of, so I should take precautions. Thanks for the reality check.

[Guest]

On 1/2/2024 at 11:54 PM, CuriousByNature said:

I've never met with anyone, nor have I had the confidence to explore my curiosity with anyone.  But I could see myself getting into a similar situation as the one you have unfortunately found yourself in.  He's the only one who really knows why he became colder and more distant, and why he turned on you the way he did.  It doesn't sound like a hustle to me, and I'm wondering if it even has anything to do with you?  It could be that other things in his life are coming to a head, and he feels his only way to deal with it is to put up walls.  Financial gain did not seem to be a motivating factor for him with respect to your friendship, so it seems odd he would suddenly monetize your past time together and try to make you feel somehow responsible.  Or maybe there are some underlying mental health issues that cause him to sabotage healthy relationships.  My hope is that you can move past the shock of this happening, and that you can appropriately grieve the loss of this friend.  And, that he will be alright too.  

You mentioned that you had never had the confidence to explore your curiosity. This was also true for me. I was twice this guy's age, and from a completely different background. I literally waited decades to have confidence to do this. And yet...it worked with him, for more than six years. I don't regret it for a minute. Maybe I just got lucky, but it was ultimately a positive experience for me. So maybe it's something you should try, as long as you go in with your eyes wide open, knowing the outcome is ultimately unpredictable. 

[mango]

This resonated with me so much. I've been abandoned by a gay-for-pay guy I fell for, though it didn't go nearly as far as your experience did. I still remember the hurt, the anger, and the grief. 

What helped me the most were gratitude and forgiveness. Even though I couldn't express those to him directly, it helped to remember them. It also helped to consciously and repeatedly forgive myself, too - for being lonely, for becoming attached because of unfulfilled emotional needs, for looking for love in a transactional relationship. 

That experience made me very jaded, though. It's hard for me to form any real connection with escorts now. I'm more cold and far less trusting. I assume that every message exchanged is being done with the expectation of future payment. It's made absolutely everything transactional, so much that I tend to not start any conversations not about meeting. I also assume that every compliment is flattery.

So I'm at this point where I think everything about relationships that include paid sex is fake except the desire for money. That pendulum might have swung too far in my case. 

I hope you find the balance that works for you. And I hope you're able to find people that fulfill your emotional needs, escorts or otherwise. 

[+ Coolwave35]

I was friends with an escort that retired. I fronted the money for four houses until he could get mortgages, then helped him build his real estate portfolio to 11 houses. We vacationed together Dutch and stopped any physical contact.  We talked and texted all the time and I even met up with he and his wife in Mexico. I thought we were quite close. And then out of nowhere got the attached text. 

The best I can assume is that his wife found out our friendship originated when he was escorting and she couldn’t get past it.  I respected his request and never reached back out. 

I was bummed but I never felt used.  I enjoyed the time we spent together and he did reimburse me for alllll the cash I laid out for him for the real estate. 

 

Edited January 5 by Coolwave35

[Simon Suraci]

I don’t think your hustler friend intentionally had a long con approach going on. If he did, he was really bad at it. Money should have been his primary motivation, but it sounds like it wasn’t and that something in his life changed over time and he became resentful or desperate or had other problems develop unrelated to you - and then he turned on you by directing whatever frustration or crisis he had toward you.

If he were really playing his relationship with you to his full advantage, he should have been getting a good return on investment early, often, and well into the future by charging you his rates and reciprocating with his friendship. But then again, there’s nothing deceptive or unethical about that. That’s just good client development. It doesn’t have to be phony either. I have genuine connections with certain clients and they still hire me. I spend time off the clock in a friend capacity because I genuinely value their friendship and like them and care about them. Those are the exceptions though. I don’t have the bandwidth to maintain that kind of relationship or offer that kind of time for most of my clients.

I don’t think the OP did anything wrong. The escort handled the whole situation poorly, to his own detriment, and sadly, also to yours. Communication and boundaries are important, in this case defining what the client should be paying, for what, and when, and what the client can expect in exchange.

Any resentment the escort had over unpaid texting and talking is on himself. It’s up to him to draw appropriate boundaries around his time. It sounds like there was some level of genuine platonic connection and that got way too messy when mixing with a hiring dynamic. Best to define the relationship and the boundaries and all will be fine.

When something is no longer working, it’s better to change the relationship or otherwise end it. It’s difficult to move on from something like this, but I wish you the best as you make an effort to do so.

[newdad]

3 hours ago, Coolwave35 said:

I was friends with an escort that retired. I fronted the money for four houses until he could get mortgages, then helped him build his real estate portfolio to 11 houses. We vacationed together Dutch and stopped any physical contact.  We talked and texted all the time and I even met up with he and his wife in Mexico. I thought we were quite close. And then out of nowhere got the attached text. 

The best I can assume is that his wife found out our friendship originated when he was escorting and she couldn’t get past it.  I respected his request and never reached back out. 

I was bummed but I never felt used.  I enjoyed the time we spent together and he did reimburse me for alllll the cash I laid out for him for the real estate. 

 

Sorry to hear that.

[Guest]

15 hours ago, Coolwave35 said:

I was friends with an escort that retired. I fronted the money for four houses until he could get mortgages, then helped him build his real estate portfolio to 11 houses. We vacationed together Dutch and stopped any physical contact.  We talked and texted all the time and I even met up with he and his wife in Mexico. I thought we were quite close. And then out of nowhere got the attached text. 

The best I can assume is that his wife found out our friendship originated when he was escorting and she couldn’t get past it.  I respected his request and never reached back out. 

I was bummed but I never felt used.  I enjoyed the time we spent together and he did reimburse me for alllll the cash I laid out for him for the real estate. 

 

I have to say, this gentleman handled himself in a very classy, dignified, and respectful way. And plus, you have a lot of memories of great times, and having him as a good friend, at least for a time. These things, within themselves, are worth a lot.

[Guest]

14 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

I don’t think your hustler friend intentionally had a long con approach going on. If he did, he was really bad at it. Money should have been his primary motivation, but it sounds like it wasn’t and that something in his life changed over time and he became resentful or desperate or had other problems develop unrelated to you - and then he turned on you by directing whatever frustration or crisis he had toward you.

If he were really playing his relationship with you to his full advantage, he should have been getting a good return on investment early, often, and well into the future by charging you his rates and reciprocating with his friendship. But then again, there’s nothing deceptive or unethical about that. That’s just good client development. It doesn’t have to be phony either. I have genuine connections with certain clients and they still hire me. I spend time off the clock in a friend capacity because I genuinely value their friendship and like them and care about them. Those are the exceptions though. I don’t have the bandwidth to maintain that kind of relationship or offer that kind of time for most of my clients.

I don’t think the OP did anything wrong. The escort handled the whole situation poorly, to his own detriment, and sadly, also to yours. Communication and boundaries are important, in this case defining what the client should be paying, for what, and when, and what the client can expect in exchange.

Any resentment the escort had over unpaid texting and talking is on himself. It’s up to him to draw appropriate boundaries around his time. It sounds like there was some level of genuine platonic connection and that got way too messy when mixing with a hiring dynamic. Best to define the relationship and the boundaries and all will be fine.

When something is no longer working, it’s better to change the relationship or otherwise end it. It’s difficult to move on from something like this, but I wish you the best as you make an effort to do so.

You're right -- if a long term con was his goal, I don't think he would have dragged it out for six years before suddenly deciding to bill me for back-due time spent. I also think you're right in that something else was also going on: family issues, legal troubles, monetary/work concerns. Possibly substance abuse/dependency. A lot of factors, which he needed to address. I still wish him the best, and I thank you for your kind reply. Everyone here has been very supportive.

[+ Coolwave35]

8 hours ago, that_masked_man said:

I have to say, this gentleman handled himself in a very classy, dignified, and respectful way. And plus, you have a lot of memories of great times, and having him as a good friend, at least for a time. These things, within themselves, are worth a lot.

And pictures. I have troves of sexy pictures lol 

[MscleLovr]

4 hours ago, Coolwave35 said:

And pictures. I have troves of sexy pictures lol 

When he needed to divert himself, Oscar Wilde said he read his diaries. Nowadays @Coolwave35 you have your photos to divert and please you. 🙂

[newdad]

14 hours ago, Coolwave35 said:

And pictures. I have troves of sexy pictures lol 

Throw some crumbs for us peasants here.

[+ Coolwave35]

8 minutes ago, newdad said:

Throw some crumbs for us peasants here.

What the fuck was I thinking being so selfish!!  Here are some of the ones that were easiest to crop or blur lol.  Going back through the archives reminded me about all the vids and why I pay for so much cloud storage lol. 
 

Moderators note: all penises are flaccid but if you want anything taken down please just ask and don’t give me warning points. Thank you! 

 

Edited January 6 by Coolwave35

[TonyDown]

  Sharing thousands of texts is something lovers or very close friends do. 

That you traveled far to be with him also sounds like you loved him.

So if this describes what he meant to you, then it makes sense you might be grieving over the loss of your connection with him.  

IMO it's OK to fall in love with a provider as long as you're being honest with yourself what is going on.

That he believed you owed him money sounds like a huge misunderstanding between you two or else his circumstances changed.

From the little you described about legal issues, suggests he might not be good at making choices.  

That he blocked you could mean he doesn't know how to say good bye.

But it does sound like he has.

 

 

 

[Wanderoz]

Anyone who would continue to do this should just change his name to Patsy. 

[newdad]

9 hours ago, Coolwave35 said:

Going back through the archives reminded me about all the vids and why I pay for so much cloud storage lol. 

Those cloud storage companies (eg, Apple, Google, etc) will probably making more money overtime than any of the guys paid. 

[Guest]

Was curious for years about a gay experience, and finally hired an escort to satisfy my curiosity. It was okay, but not my cup of tea. The guy I hired was an experienced and fairly well-known porn star -- a crossover in all kinds of scenes. Gay, straight, whatever. Married with a kid.

The escort was really great (as a person), though the sex was not for me. (Curiosity satisfied. The End.) We started texting right away, and became friends. This went on for years. He began to invite me to visit, and I would. I would pay him then for a couple of hours time (per his rate from our first visit), because this was, after all (as it seemed to me), how he made his living.

I repeatedly said, "If this is not okay with you, money-wise, let me know and I'll take care of it." He always said, "You can pay me what you want. Whatever you decide is okay, even if it's nothing." 99% of the time, sex was not on the table. It seldom came up. And nothing was ever said about me not paying enough. Though I kept on paying.

Meanwhile, for nearly 7 years, we were exchanging thousands upon thousands of texts. Many, many times per day. Just friend-stuff. Family, jobs, health, money, politics. Anything you'd discuss with anyone who was "just a friend." I would occasionally send him gifts, and he would do the same for me.

There was nothing "romantic" about this. He was just a guy, like other guy friends. But an especially good friend, without a doubt. I did "love" him, but not in a romantic way. Not at all.

Then, out of the blue, he wrote me to say that I had been "taking advantage of him for years." And that I owed him thousands of dollars for time spent in the past.

This was the last thing on earth I expected. I had paid him, without him even asking, for each visit. Plus, all those gifts I sent. So I was caught off guard.

At the end, he was very upfront about the bill, "You owe me for time spent. Past tense." But I refused to pay, of course, because I felt I had lived up to my end of the bargain. I don't think I could have been any clearer about this.

We had a long series of text messages about this. After a lot of these, I finally got a couple of teary-sounding voice mails, along the lines of "If you can't pay me, let's just be glad for what we had, for as long as it lasted."

So...I guess my question is, WTF? For all that time, we had shared every intimate detail of our lives -- except, I guess, that he felt he was not being compensated properly? I thought "what we had" was just friendship. The client/provider relationship, in my eyes, went out the window very early on during the time we knew each other.

I did not enter into this situation with the expectation that it would end with a drama. I had no expectations at all, in fact. I don't think this guy was cultivating me as an income source, because he didn't get much from me. I mean, this went on for YEARS. At least half the time, if not more, he was the one reaching out to me, and never for money. 

In the end, I am feeling strangely hurt by this. I thought he was a real person, and I'm surprised by my own naiveté. I find myself grieving because of his sudden vanishing act, but this seems silly and overly emotional. Many times per day, there are things that remind me of him, and all-of-a-sudden, he's not there anymore.

Any words of advice out there from anyone who's been through something like this?

 

 

 

 

 

[marylander1940]

2nd time you post the same story!

 

6 minutes ago, Empire_Man said:

Was curious for years about a gay experience, and finally hired an escort to satisfy my curiosity. It was okay, but not my cup of tea. The guy I hired was an experienced and fairly well-known porn star -- a crossover in all kinds of scenes. Gay, straight, whatever. Married with a kid.

The escort was really great (as a person), though the sex was not for me. (Curiosity satisfied. The End.) We started texting right away, and became friends. This went on for years. He began to invite me to visit, and I would. I would pay him then for a couple of hours time (per his rate from our first visit), because this was, after all (as it seemed to me), how he made his living.

I repeatedly said, "If this is not okay with you, money-wise, let me know and I'll take care of it." He always said, "You can pay me what you want. Whatever you decide is okay, even if it's nothing." 99% of the time, sex was not on the table. It seldom came up. And nothing was ever said about me not paying enough. Though I kept on paying.

Meanwhile, for nearly 7 years, we were exchanging thousands upon thousands of texts. Many, many times per day. Just friend-stuff. Family, jobs, health, money, politics. Anything you'd discuss with anyone who was "just a friend." I would occasionally send him gifts, and he would do the same for me.

There was nothing "romantic" about this. He was just a guy, like other guy friends. But an especially good friend, without a doubt. I did "love" him, but not in a romantic way. Not at all.

Then, out of the blue, he wrote me to say that I had been "taking advantage of him for years." And that I owed him thousands of dollars for time spent in the past.

This was the last thing on earth I expected. I had paid him, without him even asking, for each visit. Plus, all those gifts I sent. So I was caught off guard.

At the end, he was very upfront about the bill, "You owe me for time spent. Past tense." But I refused to pay, of course, because I felt I had lived up to my end of the bargain. I don't think I could have been any clearer about this.

We had a long series of text messages about this. After a lot of these, I finally got a couple of teary-sounding voice mails, along the lines of "If you can't pay me, let's just be glad for what we had, for as long as it lasted."

So...I guess my question is, WTF? For all that time, we had shared every intimate detail of our lives -- except, I guess, that he felt he was not being compensated properly? I thought "what we had" was just friendship. The client/provider relationship, in my eyes, went out the window very early on during the time we knew each other.

I did not enter into this situation with the expectation that it would end with a drama. I had no expectations at all, in fact. I don't think this guy was cultivating me as an income source, because he didn't get much from me. I mean, this went on for YEARS. At least half the time, if not more, he was the one reaching out to me, and never for money. 

In the end, I am feeling strangely hurt by this. I thought he was a real person, and I'm surprised by my own naiveté. I find myself grieving because of his sudden vanishing act, but this seems silly and overly emotional. Many times per day, there are things that remind me of him, and all-of-a-sudden, he's not there anymore.

Any words of advice out there from anyone who's been through something like this?