It's all about me?

[Guest]

I recently attended a medical conference, and one of the keynote lectures was given by an ophthalmologist-comedian and his wife. The message of the lecture was to pay attention to family members as well as to the patient, and I get it. However, the way in which it was presented gave me somewhat of an awkward feeling. The issue came about when the ophthalmologist suffered a cardiac arrest and his wife had to do CPR. He was in a coma for almost 2 days and came to in the ICU. The wife complained that no one asked her about how she was doing. As the husband said "The whole episode was easy for me. I just went to sleep one night and woke up, a bit confused, in an ICU 2 days later. My wife was the one who suffered all of the trauma." Yes, it's true that someone should have shown support and asked the wife if she needed some help. On the other hand, it felt as if the husband almost died, but the wife came off as "It's all about me!". I guess it was the statement "my wife suffered ALL of the trauma" which made me feel awkward (she seemed to agree with his statement). At no point did the wife every say "Well, you must have had some anxiety and fears, too!" Thoughts?

https://glaucomflecken.com/

Edited February 11, 2023 by Unicorn

[+ azdr0710]

did the 'real' doctor-comedian really have a heart attack at some point or was that just part of the presentation in order to talk about spousal support?......(no, I didn't go over their whole website)

[+ jessmapex]

At work, I am increasingly running into women far more narcissistic than men. So, I am not surprised.

Edited February 11, 2023 by jessmapex

[pubic_assistance]

20 hours ago, Unicorn said:

my wife suffered ALL of the trauma"

I tend to agree with this statement. Since he was in a coma, I'm going to assume he wasn't aware anything was wrong.

But for his wife...to suddenly have your life partner slip into a coma is surely a terrifying event with no script for a guaranteed outcome.  You don't know if it's going to be two days or two years, or you may never speak to your husband again.

My mother has been caring for my father for years. He suffers from advanced emphysema (ex pack-a-day smoker). She's been tasked with his care for years, mostly alone and is the one who needs to discover him when he falls down, has (another) stroke, and shits himself. While most people ask about my father, who's the one who's terminally ill. I always make a point to ask my mother how SHE'S holding up and what can I do for HER.

Edited February 12, 2023 by pubic_assistance
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[NJF]

2 hours ago, Unicorn said:

I recently attended a medical conference, and one of the keynote lectures was given by an ophthalmologist-comedian and his wife. The message of the lecture was to pay attention to family members as well as to the patient, and I get it. However, the way in which it was presented gave me somewhat of an awkward feeling. The issue came about when the ophthalmologist suffered a cardiac arrest and his wife had to do CPR. He was in a coma for almost 2 days and came to in the ICU. The wife complained that no one asked her about how she was doing. As the husband said "The whole episode was easy for me. I just went to sleep one night and woke up, a bit confused, in an ICU 2 days later. My wife was the one who suffered all of the trauma." Yes, it's true that someone should have shown support and asked the wife if she needed some help. On the other hand, it felt as if the husband almost died, but the wife came off as "It's all about me!". I guess it was the statement "my wife suffered ALL of the trauma" which made me feel awkward (she seemed to agree with his statement). At no point did the wife every say "Well, you must have had some anxiety and fears, too!" Thoughts?

https://glaucomflecken.com/

Is the conference in Ft.lauderdale? 

[Guest]

Yes! My partner and I just saw Boy George at FLL Pride! Were you there as well, or just looked it up?

Edited February 12, 2023 by Unicorn

[Guest]

3 hours ago, azdr0710 said:

did the 'real' doctor-comedian really have a heart attack at some point or was that just part of the presentation in order to talk about spousal support?......(no, I didn't go over their whole website)

Well, the ophthalmologist had a lot of tests done, and he said no cause was found. The wife said she was awoken by the sound of his choking, so I'm guessing he may have aspirated. They played much of the 911 call, and, since she'd never taken a CPR course, they just led her straight to chest compressions. Before doing CPR, one generally is supposed to first do the "ABC's": first make sure there's an airway, then see if the person is breathing then see if he has a pulse (Circulation). None of that was done, so there's a good chance his heart was beating for much of that time. The paramedics took their sweet time coming to help, 10 minutes, of which 5 minutes was dicking around in their house putting on protective gear since this was 2020, and they assumed he had Covid-19. Doing CPR for 10 minutes on someone with no pulse doesn't generally result in a good outcome, especially if done on a bed, which this was. 

The couple also didn't say what the husband's rhythm was when the paramedics finally took over, but they defibrillated him, so I'm guessing he was in ventricular fibrillation when they arrived. He apparently suffered no permanent neurological sequelae, other than some amnesia around the time he woke up. It's even possible that the chest compressions themselves may have put him into V-fib, though I'm leaning on the theory that he aspirated, and went into v-fib between the time the chest compressions started and the paramedics' arrival. 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

...My mother has been caring for my father for years. He suffers from advanced emphysema (ex pack-a-day smoker). She's been tasked with his care for years, mostly alone and is the one who needs to discover him when he falls down, has (another) stroke, and shits himself. While most people ask about my father, who's the one who's terminally ill. I always make a point to ask my mother how SHE'S holding up and what can I do for HER.

I'm wondering if you hold any resentment against your father for the smoking? I hope you have concerns for both. As for the couple in the OP, yes, it is stressful to come face to face with your spouse's death. But I'm also guessing that, although he's putting on a brave face, the husband must also be feeling the stress of facing his own death (especially since no treatable cause was found for his cardiac arrest). 

[dbar123]

The corollary to this….the nicest thing you can do for your partner is to stay healthy.

[pubic_assistance]

23 minutes ago, Unicorn said:

I'm wondering if you hold any resentment against your father for the smoking?

To a degree..yes. I do.

They taught us a lot about smoking addiction at elementary school. I tried many times to get him to stop. I was always told to "mind my own business". So now that I need to help with the consequences of his addiction there's definitely a degree of resentment.

[NJF]

4 hours ago, NJF said:

Is the conference in Ft.lauderdale? 

Not at the conference but I follow the guy on Twitter. He is funny and often has interesting to say.

[Rod Hagen]

Nurses and Physicians aren't counselors, they're problem solvers.  If you live your life expecting others to ask how you are doing, you are going to be consistently disappointed.

 

[Rudynate]

19 hours ago, Unicorn said:

I recently attended a medical conference, and one of the keynote lectures was given by an ophthalmologist-comedian and his wife. The message of the lecture was to pay attention to family members as well as to the patient, and I get it. However, the way in which it was presented gave me somewhat of an awkward feeling. The issue came about when the ophthalmologist suffered a cardiac arrest and his wife had to do CPR. He was in a coma for almost 2 days and came to in the ICU. The wife complained that no one asked her about how she was doing. As the husband said "The whole episode was easy for me. I just went to sleep one night and woke up, a bit confused, in an ICU 2 days later. My wife was the one who suffered all of the trauma." Yes, it's true that someone should have shown support and asked the wife if she needed some help. On the other hand, it felt as if the husband almost died, but the wife came off as "It's all about me!". I guess it was the statement "my wife suffered ALL of the trauma" which made me feel awkward (she seemed to agree with his statement). At no point did the wife every say "Well, you must have had some anxiety and fears, too!" Thoughts?

https://glaucomflecken.com/

[+ nycman]

15 hours ago, Unicorn said:

The paramedics took their sweet time coming to help, 10 minutes, of which 5 minutes was dicking around in their house putting on protective gear since this was 2020, and they assumed he had Covid-19.

I have an issue with this statement.

In 2020, we were still at the beginning of a declared world wide disaster. There is only one word that outranks "emergency" and that word is "disaster".

Put another way, "there are no emergencies in a disaster". That’s disaster medicine 101. The paramedics did the right thing. Thankfully in this scenario they were still able to save his life. No doubt there was massive collateral damage during the COVID pandemic. Many people died that normally could have been saved.

War is hell. 

[Rudynate]

1 minute ago, Rudynate said:

19 hours ago, Unicorn said:

I recently attended a medical conference, and one of the keynote lectures was given by an ophthalmologist-comedian and his wife. The message of the lecture was to pay attention to family members as well as to the patient, and I get it. However, the way in which it was presented gave me somewhat of an awkward feeling. The issue came about when the ophthalmologist suffered a cardiac arrest and his wife had to do CPR. He was in a coma for almost 2 days and came to in the ICU. The wife complained that no one asked her about how she was doing. As the husband said "The whole episode was easy for me. I just went to sleep one night and woke up, a bit confused, in an ICU 2 days later. My wife was the one who suffered all of the trauma." Yes, it's true that someone should have shown support and asked the wife if she needed some help. On the other hand, it felt as if the husband almost died, but the wife came off as "It's all about me!". I guess it was the statement "my wife suffered ALL of the trauma" which made me feel awkward (she seemed to agree with his statement). At no point did the wife every say "Well, you must have had some anxiety and fears, too!" Thoughts?

https://glaucomflecken.com/

To me, it's an expression of deep gratitude.  She saved his ass and he wanted the world to know how grateful he was.  Of course he suffered, but he preferred to shift the focus to his wife and everything she had done for him.  

[maninsoma]

42 minutes ago, Rod Hagen said:

Nurses and Physicians aren't counselors, they're problem solvers.  If you live your life expecting others to ask how you are doing, you are going to be consistently disappointed.

 

Actually, some nurses and physicians are counselors, but not those working in an ICU.  At any rate, there are medical social workers working at health care facilities.  I think the point of the presentation makes sense: It isn't that concern for the patient is wrong, it's that people should remember that family members/important friends might also need support.

[+ sniper]

Hospitals typically have one or two social workers with a caseload of hundreds of patients at any given time. They're marginally more than useless IF you know what to ask for and how to ask for it, which of course the vast majority of people don't. They simply don't have the time to do the job properly.

Health insurance should cover home health care training for the unpaid caretakers doing the bulk of the work.

[Rudynate]

My father was on dialysis for kidney disease and I was his main caregiver.   I was also working full-time. His dialysis unit had a full-time social worker.  I can't remember how I connected with her- she might have called me - but she told me I needed to do  everything I could to lighten my load.  She had a lot of advice and connected me with all sorts of community-based organizations that helped out with his care.  I was amazed to find out the resources that were available just for the asking. 

Edited February 12, 2023 by Rudynate
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[wsc]

Some 30 years ago my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, following surgery that removed her left lung. The cancer had already spread before the surgery, but this fact was not known until after. At some later point she was enrolled for radiation treatments at a local hospital, solely to provide palliative care. She had developed a brain tumor that was causing pain and the treatments would provide relief. An ambulance would come to pick her up, take her to and bring her home from the hospital.

On one occasion, as the medics were about to carry her gurney down the front steps, she grabbed my hand and looked up. Then this woman -in pain and knowing she was dying- looked at me and said, "I guess this is worst thing I've ever put you through." My heart went up in my throat, and all I could think to say was, "Well, I think it might be a little harder on you." Each of us more concerned for the other, and truthfully, I still don't know who was right.

But her example is the antithesis of the self-centered world view described by the OP, and I admire her as much as I miss her. She was of an older and different generation, survivors of the Depression, poverty, wars, and disasters, and it took a lot to faze these people. Later this year, I will observe her 100th birthday.

[pubic_assistance]

45 minutes ago, wsc said:

...her example is the antithesis of the self-centered world view described by the OP,

Beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.

[+ sniper]

On 2/11/2023 at 10:47 PM, pubic_assistance said:

To a degree..yes. I do.

They taught us a lot about smoking addiction at elementary school. I tried many times to get him to stop. I was always told to "mind my own business". So now that I need to help with the consequences of his addiction there's definitely a degree of resentment.

Sometimes I'm grateful my dad smoked unfiltered cigarettes and didn't really linger. By the time he was diagnosed he only had 4 months. 

[+ Pensant]

Both of my parents were smokers and suffered the consequences. My father died of lung cancer and my mother from COPD. I always hated their smoking, and the disgusting full ashtrays, which I compulsively emptied. I’m deeply thankful that my lungs haven’t suffered from that exposure.

[rvwnsd]

Having managed my father when my mother was sick and in the aftermath of her death and then managing his care and end-of-life activities, I get what the doctor and his wife are saying. People forget to ask the caregiver if they need care. In my case, I developed bronchitis when my mother was sick and didn't treat it. Her doctor heard me cough one day and sent me down to the urgent care unit. Something similar happened when my father was dying. The social worker recognized I was exhausted and hanging on by a thread and found me help dealing with the hospital, rehab center, and doctors. She also sent me to my hotel to rest. She was a godsend.

As a result of those experiences, I now ask how the caregiver is doing and make sure to ask them to take care of themselves. It's like they say on airplanes, put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others.