Do I take legal action or do I take the difficult "high road"?

[Smurof]

One year ago today, my ex did something that was incredibly sinister : outed me to my family. This has created a world of psychological damage to me. There's a current restraining order from him on me which goes for over a few more years, but I wonder if this crossed the line with what he did from being immoral to being criminal.

 

What makes it so much further frustrating is that he boasts PUBLICLY of the criminal activity he's involved in, and has at a minimum one close friend in law enforcement who looks the other way. I've informed them of his activities, and they choose to do nothing. My therapist as well as people I talk to, which isn't very many, all collectively tell me that I need to put the hurtful things he does behind me, or I will be the one who gets in trouble, not him.

 

It should go without saying I feel he should be behind bars, but I also know two things about being in jail. At some point in time, you get out, and then my safety and well-being re-become endangered. Also, if incarcerated, he has contacts who can invoke further problems to me, which I'm also fearful of.

[Guest]

...

What makes it so much further frustrating is that he boasts PUBLICLY of the criminal activity he's involved in, and has at a minimum one close friend in law enforcement who looks the other way. I've informed them of his activities, and they choose to do nothing. My therapist as well as people I talk to, which isn't very many, all collectively tell me that I need to put the hurtful things he does behind me, or I will be the one who gets in trouble, not him.

...

I'm not sure what you mean by legal action. If by that, you mean trying to remove the restraining order (did you ever get a chance to challenge it?) that may be worthwhile as it doesn't look good on your record, and can prevent you from buying guns, among other things. If you mean trying to make things difficult for your ex, everyone who seems to know more about the situation is telling you no, so why are you still thinking about it? Do you have an obsessive personality? You didn't tell us why the restraining order went through, which seems to be an important omission.

[+ MysticMenace]

One year ago today, my ex did something that was incredibly sinister : outed me to my family. This has created a world of psychological damage to me. There's a current restraining order from him on me which goes for over a few more years, but I wonder if this crossed the line with what he did from being immoral to being criminal.

 

What makes it so much further frustrating is that he boasts PUBLICLY of the criminal activity he's involved in, and has at a minimum one close friend in law enforcement who looks the other way. I've informed them of his activities, and they choose to do nothing. My therapist as well as people I talk to, which isn't very many, all collectively tell me that I need to put the hurtful things he does behind me, or I will be the one who gets in trouble, not him.

 

It should go without saying I feel he should be behind bars, but I also know two things about being in jail. At some point in time, you get out, and then my safety and well-being re-become endangered. Also, if incarcerated, he has contacts who can invoke further problems to me, which I'm also fearful of.

 

I can only base my thoughts on what is presented thus far, but I could think of the following:

• Should the primary question be really about taking legal action or not? It sounds like he did 2 terrible things:
  
  • Outed you to your family: this happened. you are immeasurably hurt by this.
    
  • Placed a retraining order against you: would you even care to be anywhere close to him?
    

Regardless of what he did and whether there is closure from him, can you forgive him? Forgiveness is not necessarily just for the person asking for it (which does not sound like your ex would be doing anytime soon) but it would be for you to lift up whatever emotional burden and scar the actions have potentially consumed your life. I think when you get to this point, the rest of your next steps might be a lot clearer. Certainly way easier said than done, but I think a very important step to move on.

• I would probably heed the advice of the people closest to you - I think they are (or should be) looking out for your welfare.
  

[+ FrankR]

One year ago today, my ex did something that was incredibly sinister : outed me to my family. This has created a world of psychological damage to me. There's a current restraining order from him on me which goes for over a few more years, but I wonder if this crossed the line with what he did from being immoral to being criminal.

 

What makes it so much further frustrating is that he boasts PUBLICLY of the criminal activity he's involved in, and has at a minimum one close friend in law enforcement who looks the other way. I've informed them of his activities, and they choose to do nothing. My therapist as well as people I talk to, which isn't very many, all collectively tell me that I need to put the hurtful things he does behind me, or I will be the one who gets in trouble, not him.

 

It should go without saying I feel he should be behind bars, but I also know two things about being in jail. At some point in time, you get out, and then my safety and well-being re-become endangered. Also, if incarcerated, he has contacts who can invoke further problems to me, which I'm also fearful of.

It is difficult for me to step into your shoes. It sounds like a painful experience...but it is also in the past. Don’t carry the pain with you - try to move on young man; you have a life to live.

 

Before you decide to take legal action, consult with an attorney with criminal and civil litigation experience. You need to understand the potential unintended consequences. What happens if you wake a sleep giant in the form of a big blue wall (law enforcement entanglements)?

 

May harmony find you!

[samhexum]

I am sorry you are going through such difficulties.

[+ tassojunior]

• I would probably heed the advice of the people closest to you - I think they are (or should be) looking out for your welfare.
  

I'd caveat that with maybe a consensus of friends/people. Listening to a hothead friend, no matter how otherwise intelligent and respected, can be a big mistake. I have a couple who I've learned the hard way to usually do the reverse of their urging even if I was originally inclined to the same thinking. Bad inclination + hothead good friend can = disaster.

[MikeBiDude]

I would counsel you to move on. Starting anything legal up will likely branch into avenues you can’t picture right now, that won’t be fun.

It’s awful what he’s done....but I doubt carrying any action forward will be beneficial to you. My 2¢

[+ nycman]

I’m not even sure what your ‘case’ against him is......

 

Ok, he’s an asshole.

Unfortunately, that’s not illegal.

 

Ok, he does illegal things.

Unless he’s doing them to you...it falls under the legal principle of “Nunya”

AKA “None of Ya Business”

 

He has a restraining order against you.

Which means somewhere there’s a Judge that thinks you need to stay AWAY from him.

I suggest you abide by it in princlple, thought, and action.

Otherwise, it is you young man who will pay the price. Not him.

 

In summary, you need to move on.

[wsc]

The fact a restraining order was issued against you will immediately prejudice any judge against you, since it means another judge saw fit to issue it, and judges tend to honor one another's judgements.

 

If "legal action" means a criminal complaint, you must have standing, meaning you were either the victim of a criminal act, or you witnessed one, and you have something that amounts to probable cause against the offender. Without that, no law enforcement agency or court can do anything for you but take and file a statement, if that.

 

If "legal action" means a civil suit, you would probably need to show malice of the other party, as well as damages, usually meaning financial. I'm not entirely sure on this next point, but find out if "outing" someone who actually is Gay even qualifies as actionable. It may fall under a general principle used in slander cases, that "truth is a complete defense." Although being outed against your will may cause hurt and complications in your personal life and relationships, the law might hold that a truth that hurts is, after all, still a truth, and people can't be punished for speaking the truth.

 

I urge a period of somber reflection, discussions with your therapist, and consultation with a competent attorney before taking any action that might serve only to make bad things even worse.

 

I think that what your ex did was horrendous and reprehensible, and if an accurate reflection of his core character, will ultimately lead to his undoing. Be grateful you are rid of him and try your best to summon the strength to move beyond the present unpleasantness. My best wishes in those efforts.

[+ sniper]

It seems highly unlikely any legal action is going to end well for you, and a nonzero chance of making things much worse for yourself. You need to work on getting YOUR life together, not trying to wreck his.

[CuriousByNature]

Perhaps ironically, taking legal action will keep you connected to this individual for many more months or years, and it sounds to me like a clean break may be the healthier option and one that will put needed distance between you and his toxic ways. And if he is involved in illegal activity it may be best to run in the opposite direction and try your best to leave the past in the past. I agree with @JoeMendoza about forgiveness, and also agree it can be much easier to say than do.

[OCClient]

Just guessing here, but I expect a judge wouldn't take your side unless you have concrete, documented evidence it has cost you financially, your ex outing you.

Again, I am not aware of the legal precedent for being outed. But since there is nothing wrong with being gay, my hunch is the next step is to move on from him. Sounds like that is what he wants too.

[+ sniper]

The best revenge is living well. Direct revenge almost always ends poorly.

[MikeBiDude]

[marylander1940]

One year ago today, my ex did something that was incredibly sinister : outed me to my family. This has created a world of psychological damage to me. There's a current restraining order from him on me which goes for over a few more years, but I wonder if this crossed the line with what he did from being immoral to being criminal.

 

What makes it so much further frustrating is that he boasts PUBLICLY of the criminal activity he's involved in, and has at a minimum one close friend in law enforcement who looks the other way. I've informed them of his activities, and they choose to do nothing. My therapist as well as people I talk to, which isn't very many, all collectively tell me that I need to put the hurtful things he does behind me, or I will be the one who gets in trouble, not him.

 

It should go without saying I feel he should be behind bars, but I also know two things about being in jail. At some point in time, you get out, and then my safety and well-being re-become endangered. Also, if incarcerated, he has contacts who can invoke further problems to me, which I'm also fearful of.

 

if he's involved in a criminal activity and you know about it you're helping him and in some cases you could also be implicated. Considering you already informed others of his activities... you have already answered your question about reporting him.

 

It would be nice to know more details about what exactly is he doing.

 

I don't want to be mean but if you're 49 now, I'm sure your relatives already knew or at least suspected.

[+ Lucky]

Why was he able to place a restraining order on you? Did you fight it?

[Monarchy79]

I know I’m going to get slammed for this but I’ll take the heat and say it anyways:

 

Seek your vengeance.

 

Letting it go, and taking the high road relieves the perpetrator of accountability for their actions, and the truth is that it rarely satisfies the victim.

 

One of the biggest regrets that many people have in life, is not seeking justice towards an ex lover, betraying friend, abusive bully, or a hostile employer who have wronged them.

 

It is within our human nature not only to protect ourselves, but to seek justice, to satisfy our self-value.

 

In this case, everyone has someone to answer to. Figure out if there’s a way to expose his illegal activity anonymously, so it’s not tracked back to you.

[+ sniper]

I know I’m going to get slammed for this but I’ll take the heat and say it anyways:

 

Seek your vengeance.

 

Letting it go, and taking the high road relieves the perpetrator of accountability for their actions, and the truth is that it rarely satisfies the victim.

 

One of the biggest regrets that many people have in life, is not seeking justice towards an ex lover, betraying friend, abusive bully, or a hostile employer who have wronged them.

 

It is within our human nature not only to protect ourselves, but to seek justice, to satisfy our self-value.

 

In this case, everyone has someone to answer to. Figure out if there’s a way to expose his illegal activity anonymously, so it’s not tracked back to you.

Have you been following the OP's posts on this forum? He's pretty impulsive, which does not lend itself well to planning and executing well-thought-out revenge plans that aren't likely to backfire on him.

[Monarchy79]

Have you been following the OP's posts on this forum? He's pretty impulsive, which does not lend itself well to planning and executing well-thought-out revenge plans that aren't likely to backfire on him.

 

Thanks Sniper ??

In that case, I’ll retract my statement and advise him to just take the high road and move on.

[Guest]

Have you been following the OP's posts on this forum? ...

No. Would you give an example (or two)?

[Guest]

....

In this case, everyone has someone to answer to. Figure out if there’s a way to expose his illegal activity anonymously, so it’s not tracked back to you.

Well, I suppose that if it's a question of getting revenge at any cost, he could hire a private investigator to get evidence, and submit the evidence anonymously. Not cheap, but if the OP really does have money to burn... It's unclear to me why a 50 year-old was so deeply in the closet. Did the outing cause him to lose an inheritance?

Edited February 17, 2021 by Unicorn

[+ WilliamM]

Well, I suppose that if it's a question of getting revenge at any cost, he could hire a private investigator to get evidence, and submit the evidence anonymously. Not cheap, but if the OP really does have money to burn... It's unclear to me why a 50 year-old was so deeply in the closet. Did the outing cause him to lose an inheritance?

 

Losing an inheritance? How many People have an inheritance of significant wealth?

[+ tassojunior]

he boasts PUBLICLY of the criminal activity he's involved in, and has at a minimum one close friend in law enforcement who looks the other way. I've informed them of his activities, and they choose to do nothing. My therapist as well as people I talk to, which isn't very many, all collectively tell me that I need to put the hurtful things he does behind me, or I will be the one who gets in trouble, not him.

 

besides the other numerous caution flags, this is the flashing red one.

 

You.Are.Gay. Believe all the kumbaya stuff you want about how cops are fine with gays at your peril. It sounds like he's well-liked by cops and you most likely will become the "target", not him. You very likely will be charged with conspiracy for even knowing of the crimes even if he's the main criminal. He may well get off scot-free for giving information on you. It's perverse how many times police let the big criminal off for giving information on underlings or aiders. And in cases involving gay men it's common to also do a "child pornography" witch hunt. That can take a year. And if you have to cut a deal on anything federal, including "conspiracy" you may be re-thinking this in federal prison for the next few years after it's "over". It's not who's good and who's bad or guilty v. innocent. It's all about who's the target and you seem like a target. He doesn't.

 

Don't step into this quicksand

[Guest]

Forgiveness doesn’t benefit the recipient, it benefits the grantor. I can be sure from experience with the numerous fraudulent signatures my ex-wife signed on legal documents taking money from me that there’s few DAs who like to prosecute based on allegations arising out of domestic quarrels.

 

I feel terrible for you in what you’re experiencing. But it is best to move on in my opinion. And the best way to do it is to write him a letter forgiving him. First, I’d write one for yourself listing all the things he wronged you with...but don’t send that one. Next, you can write a shorter letter to him simply saying that you forgive him and wish him the best (and politely say to never contact you again, no matter what.). I suspect that he will be angered knowing that his theatrics have no sway on you. You should take comfort knowing that you’ve heaped red hot coals of kindness on him without giving him a chance to respond. Then, YOU are in control and he is powerless. If he contacts you, know you’ve won...and ignore him.

 

I wish you a quick journey through the remainder of this pain.

[Beancounter]

Based on the limited information the OP has provided about the nature of the criminal behavior of his ex it’s difficult to know what I’d do in a similar situation. However, the best defense is often time a good offense. Secure the services of a good lawyer, express your concerns and ascertain if you have any exposure to the criminal behavior. Follow his/her guidance.

 

Also, as many have stated before me....move on with your life.