When you find out your lover is a racist.

[marylander1940]

In the last several weeks, I have found out that two men I have known and fucked are racists. In both cases, it came as a surprise, In one case, I have known this man personally for more than 10 years and though I knew him to be conservative politically, I recently have begun to follow him on Facebook and have found his posts there disturbing, The other, an escort I have seen once or twice in the past contacted me about possibly making a trip to my area, During that conversation he made a few blatant racist remarks, Now I had no difficulty telling the second man that I was not interested in meeting up, but the other is someone I have known for a long time. I am inclined to stop the relationshi, great sex and al, but I am surprised after more than 10 years to find out about this and I am wondering if I should explore this with him,

 

As posted by @GregM

 

What exactly did he say that makes him a racist?

[+ azdr0710]

My best friend in grad school was a guy most would consider a redneck.

 

a redneck in grad school?!!?.....evidently enlightened enough not to be a racist!!.....good for him.......

[+ Reisr30]

a redneck in grad school?!!?.....evidently enlightened enough not to be a racist!!.....good for him.......

Yes ginger farm boy who loved hunting, fishing, guns but was one of the smartest guys I ever met. Took a class on geometry of manifolds and did better than most of the math grad students in the class.

[marylander1940]

Yes ginger farm boy who loved hunting, fishing, guns but was one of the smartest guys I ever met. Took a class on geometry of manifolds and did better than most of the math grad students in the class.

 

Sounds like @Woofiecmh 's dream date!

 

a redneck in grad school?!!?.....evidently enlightened enough not to be a racist!!.....good for him.......

 

The real question is whatever happened to him? Was he able to make it to the middle class and remain there?

[+ Reisr30]

Sounds like @Woofiecmh 's dream date!

 

 

 

The real question is whatever happened to him? Was he able to make it to the middle class and remain there?

Yes he did. Successful engineer, happily married with 2 kids and still loves hunting fishin and guns and the NRA; his wife on the other hand is more liberal than me and I always joke with her why she hasn’t divorced him yet LoL. Still meet up for beers when I’m in his part of the country...

[thickornotatall]

As a random hook up once said to me....

 

”I’m REALLY into you...

 

and we’re gonna have great sex......

 

and I REALLY need great sex right now.....

 

so please don’t talk and fuck this up.“

Truer Words Never Spoken.....Shut Up and Suck!

[+ purplekow]

As posted by @GregM

 

What exactly did he say that makes him a racist?

Just like with seeing pornography, I know racism when I hear it. It is unnecessary for me to repeat it to have you agree that it was racist, or to have you disagree for that matter. It is true that there are things which can be said which most would consider intolerable. What is clear to me is that his comments in person and on Facebook are more racially charged over the last few months and the degree of venom seems to be increasing.

[curiousbynature12]

Just like with seeing pornography, I know racism when I hear it. It is unnecessary for me to repeat it to have you agree that it was racist, or to have you disagree for that matter. It is true that there are things which can be said which most would consider intolerable. What is clear to me is that his comments in person and on Facebook are more racially charged over the last few months and the degree of venom seems to be increasing.

 

What is his response when you comment on his racist comments?

[+ nycman]

Just like with seeing pornography, I know racism when I hear it. It is unnecessary for me to repeat it to have you agree that it was racist, or to have you disagree for that matter. It is true that there are things which can be said which most would consider intolerable. What is clear to me is that his comments in person and on Facebook are more racially charged over the last few months and the degree of venom seems to be increasing.

I agree. The issue isn’t wether or not we think your friend is racist.

The fact is you perceive his behavior to be racist.

 

Personally, I’d have no problem hooking up with him. I’m looking to

get off, not have an intellectual discourse on racial inequality in

America. Then again, I’m really good a separating sex from love

from friendship.

 

Could I be his friend or boyfriend?

Oh, hell no.

 

Could I bend him over and fuck his ass all night long and maybe

even get off on making that dumb ass racist my little bitch for the night?

Oh, hell yes.

[marylander1940]

Just like with seeing pornography, I know racism when I hear it. It is unnecessary for me to repeat it to have you agree that it was racist, or to have you disagree for that matter. It is true that there are things which can be said which most would consider intolerable. What is clear to me is that his comments in person and on Facebook are more racially charged over the last few months and the degree of venom seems to be increasing.

 

I trust in your judgment but I'd rather know some examples of what he said.

[mike carey]

The question that @purplekow asked related to what he would or should do if he discovered that a lover was racist, it was not whether what that lover did or said was racist. It doesn't matter in the slightest whether anyone else agrees that the person was racist. If he thinks they were, whether anyone else agrees with his assessment is immaterial, he neither needs or wants someone else's assessment that, 'That's not racist.'

 

Turning the question around from PK's friend, his question was, if you find a friend or lover is racist (in your subjective assessment), what do you do about that. The question does not ask us to assess his lover's alleged racism, it asks us what we would do if we were is a situation where we perceived a lover to be racist.

[orville]

Dear @purplekow 10 years is a long time but even marriages of 20 years don't get to know each other completely and get divorced when they discover incompatibilities. Friendships are a treasure but by your first post it seems your relationship with the first guy was more of a fuck-friend relationship. I know people who get distance from family members who are racists or different in their political opinions because it challenges their core values. If that's the case, I would express my discontent, so hopefully that's a small seed that will grow inside this person's conscience and possibly cause a future change, then take some distance which wouldn't need further explanation from you, but it will certainly give you a greater peace of mind and heart. Bottom line is that nobody needs to stay in a relationship that is uncomfortable or hurtful. As for the sex, there's always plenty of fish in the sea.

Edited July 8, 2020 by orville

[Rocky93]

I say "All Lives Matter" all the time. To me, it includes ALL lives. I value every black life and I believe that all matter. However, I think BLM is a politically charged group that literally only cares about some Black lives . . . those killed by white cops. Yet black lives matter has shattering deafness when it comes to young black being killed by black on black crime. I have worked in the black community to help raise people out of poverty, because those black lives matter.

[+ purplekow]

I say "All Lives Matter" all the time. To me, it includes ALL lives. I value every black life and I believe that all matter. However, I think BLM is a politically charged group that literally only cares about some Black lives . . . those killed by white cops. Yet black lives matter has shattering deafness when it comes to young black being killed by black on black crime. I have worked in the black community to help raise people out of poverty, because those black lives matter.

Your response here does not address the question and imperils this being moved to the politics section. So take your "ideas" to a more appropriate thread. Thanks.

[+ WilliamM]

What exactly did the guy say that you thought was racist?

 

Perhaps it should not be repeated here!!!

[Guest]

...

Turning the question around from PK's friend, his question was, if you find a friend or lover is racist (in your subjective assessment), what do you do about that. The question does not ask us to assess his lover's alleged racism, it asks us what we would do if we were is a situation where we perceived a lover to be racist.

Well, it seemed he was looking for advice. And I guess that what a number of people have responded was "it depends." If PK's stance is "I made up my mind, I don't care what you think," then no point in the string. I cannot give advice on "a situation" unless I know more about the situation.

[+ purplekow]

Well, it seemed he was looking for advice. And I guess that what a number of people have responded was "it depends." If PK's stance is "I made up my mind, I don't care what you think," then no point in the string. I cannot give advice on "a situation" unless I know more about the situation.

Once again, the question is not if you think he is a racist. That is a Given: you realize a lover is a racist what would you do. Move one. Talk with him about it. Ignore it. Some other choice. My take on your response given no other information would be that you would advise me to do what you would do since you do not know the people involved..

[D21howie]

Good morning. I will be up front and ask him about his Facebook posts. Sometimes there page could be hack and did not know it. If he saids the posts are us and believes in racism then I will say I cannot be with you anymore. If I knew my lover is racist he gave one choice change or go bye bye.

[mike carey]

Well, it seemed he was looking for advice. And I guess that what a number of people have responded was "it depends." If PK's stance is "I made up my mind, I don't care what you think," then no point in the string. I cannot give advice on "a situation" unless I know more about the situation.

To restate, or complement PK's response, you are conflating two questions. 1) is the friend racist, and 2) if so, what should he do. Yes, he was looking for advice, but only on the second question, he's decided on the first. You don't need to know what the racism was to provide advice on what to do. You can offer either an unnuanced answer, for example, 'He's a friend, look past it'. or 'He's racist, dump him', or a nuanced one, such as posing hierarchy of responses depending on the severity of the racism involved. To do the latter you don't need to know where on the severity spectrum this instance lies. It's certainly easier if you can pin down the 'how racist' question and offer specific advice, but an answer that simply says that it depends how racist covers it. If you wanted to be specific in the absence of knowing exactly what had happened, you could offer a range of examples and what your reaction would be to each.

[MscleLovr]

@purplekow this happened to an ex of mine.

 

He found a new guy (South African expat) who was working in a large professional firm in London. My ex had good sex with him and enjoyed his company. He told me once he found out the man (whose boss was a black woman) was privately extremely racist, and asked my advice.

 

I told him to cut all contact with the man and move on. There are some things you cannot change about a person.

[Rocky93]

Your response here does not address the question and imperils this being moved to the politics section. So take your "ideas" to a more appropriate thread. Thanks.

 

Sorry, you are right. I was responding to another point raised in this thread and should have replied to that post and not just add it to the discussion as I did. I previously did respond to the question at hand and was following the thread.

[marylander1940]

In the last several weeks, I have found out that two men I have known and fucked are racists. In both cases, it came as a surprise, In one case, I have known this man personally for more than 10 years and though I knew him to be conservative politically, I recently have begun to follow him on Facebook and have found his posts there disturbing, The other, an escort I have seen once or twice in the past contacted me about possibly making a trip to my area, During that conversation he made a few blatant racist remarks, Now I had no difficulty telling the second man that I was not interested in meeting up, but the other is someone I have known for a long time. I am inclined to stop the relationshi, great sex and al, but I am surprised after more than 10 years to find out about this and I am wondering if I should explore this with him,

 

It just happened to me... he was never a lover but a friend, now I can't stand him.

 

I got together with this old friend from Colombia and I asked "how's your family back home?" referring to the virus... My friend went on a rant talking about Venezuelans who "are all prostitutes, have AIDS and Covid-19 and are ruining the lives of law-abiding Colombians". "Immigrants ruin everything because they lower wages", " the middle class it's been destroyed by them", "they bring drugs", etc.

 

Friendship is over! I can't stand the hypocrisy of an immigrant in the U.S.A. hating immigrants back home in Colombia!

[+ Charlie]

I am having a somewhat more subtle problem with one of my oldest friends since high school. At considerable personal effort and expense, she took care of her brother (my best friend) when he was dying of AIDS, and later took care of his boyfriend when he was dying of cancer; she has lived with her brain-damaged (motorcycle accident) husband for many years. She has always had lesbian and gay friends, and has straight white women friends with black husbands. She has a medical technology degree, has lived and traveled all over the world, is fluent in a couple of languages, and has always been a supportive friend to my partner and me. Therefore, I was very surprised four years ago to discover that she was a strong Trump supporter, and she preferred that we not talk about politics. I am now finding that she doesn't believe the statistics about CoVid-19--even though she retired from working in a hospital in Florida!--and thinks it is being hyped by Democrats for political gain. She told me after the 2016 election that some of her friends permanently dropped her because of her Trump support. She shies away from any attempt from me to talk about her belief in Trump and Democratic conspiracies. I don't want to break off our long relationship, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to ignore the elephant in the room, especially since we communicate frequently by email and phone.

 

I don't want this thread to be moved to the Politics forum, because it is really about how we deal with personal relationships that are interrupted by any kind of conflict over subjects that are important to us.

Edited July 17, 2020 by Charlie

[MscleLovr]

I found your post intriguing @Charlie.

 

I have never understood why politics is so vitriolic and polarised in the United States. Especially so when, as a European, both major parties seem to me to be similar and centre-right (at least until recent years, with the increased popularity of AOC and others).

 

I feel old friends are very important to us, particularly as we age. I wonder therefore why you simply cannot observe her wish - you stated “she preferred that we not talk about politics” - and remain friends.

 

I find friends more valuable than any political discussion. From your own description, she is clearly a caring person who has been supportive over the years.

[+ Charlie]

I found your post intriguing @Charlie.

 

I have never understood why politics is so vitriolic and polarised in the United States. Especially so when, as a European, both major parties seem to me to be similar and centre-right (at least until recent years, with the increased popularity of AOC and others).

 

I feel old friends are very important to us, particularly as we age. I wonder therefore why you simply cannot observe her wish - you stated “she preferred that we not talk about politics” - and remain friends.

 

I find friends more valuable than any political discussion. From your own description, she is clearly a caring person who has been supportive over the years.

Unfortunately, this is a case in which politics and a disease have become so intertwined that it is difficult to talk about one without reference to the other, and much of our discussion about our daily lives these days concerns issues related to CoVid. For example, she was very eager to see the restrictions on most activities lifted in Florida, so she could return to the gym (unmasked) and eating in restaurants, because she thought that there shouldn't have been restrictions imposed in the first place. She thought many "deaths from CoVid" were really not due to CoVid at all. That's the kind of thing I find hard to ignore, or to discuss without getting into politics.