Become a friend with clients?

[Jay DC]

I have a couple of regular professionals that I hire monthly. Both are very good to me and I appreciate the time spent with them. One of them has become a friend who I occasionally hang out with outside of our scheduled sessions. This is new to me, I have never developed a relationship outside of the hired sessions and am not always sure how to behave. I have enjoyed the company of professionals for about a decade. I tend not to initiate contact with my new friend, but I don't really know the boundaries. I don't want to take advantage, nor be taken advantage of. Any advice on navigating a friendship outside of the hired time?

[+ not2rowdy]

Sure, you can have a “friend” relationship with a provider. They are people too and have interests other than their job.

 

Just don’t mix the two and be upfront about what’s being proposed. Ensure it is understood this is non-business and off the clock.

 

Approach it like this:

 

Let’s say you have access to a sailboat. Would you consider inviting your doctor (or auto mechanic) to go sailing with you - no strings attached? Could you keep “business” separated from sailing? I mean really keep “business” separated??

 

I would suggest not buying expensive non-refundable tickets to anything. The “doctor” may have an emergency and have to cancel to treat a patient. Their “business” likely must have priority over pleasure.

 

If, while sailing, something business-wise does happen you should pay him for that business time (but not necessarily the total time.

[MscleLovr]

I've known such friendships to develop. I think the key is to see what happens when money is NOT involved. I'd suggest you do sociable things together (sports, gym work-out, coffee-date, museum visit etc) and see, for instance whether he offers to pay for lunch etc as you paid for the tickets. If it feels like the usual give-and-take that you have with non-escort friends, I'd say you have a new friend.

 

I feel Not2rowdy has given good advice, especially on the "non-refundable tickets to anything". It's a common complaint by the friends of escorts: when a prospective client calls, it's the plans with friends that get changed at the last minute. And if you plan to keep seeing the escort for working sessions, be sure to make that distinction when making arrangements.

[Bayman4Fun]

My experiences are a variation on the themes expressed above.

 

I've tried moving into the friend zone with two escorts, many years ago. Neither worked out.

 

One of the experiences actually got in my head a bit. I called a different escort i knew, and he gave me some of the best advice I ever got.... applies to all things, not just the escorting scene.

 

"You can be be friendly with someone, but that doesn't mean you're friends" He went on to give an example, although I don't remember exactly what vocation he used. He said "you may really like your butcher. You may chat a bit, share jokes. You may see him around town, sit down with him if you run into him at the coffee shop. You may end up in the same golf foursome. But that doesn't make you friends."

 

And he went on to say that, in the case of an escort, that you paid for his time is always going to be there. You can't "unexperience" it. It's not impossible to disregard entirely, but its very unlikely that both of you can.

 

I've never tried crossing that boundary again. I try to be friendly, respectful, have fun or demonstrate interest when on longer sessions. I've even occasionally had a quick cup of coffee with an escort when in town, but not available for sessions. I've certainly had online non-business related contact.

 

Maybe it's semantics and a matter of degrees.... I have a lot of acquaintances with whom I'm friendly. I think it's possible to have a casual friendly relationship with the escort. But I think it's unlikely you'll ever be close friends.

 

And while maybe an unnecessary point, be certain of your own motives... it's not going to be a process that morphs into some deeper relationship.

[+ poolboy48220]

I wholeheartedly agree. I run into this a lot at work. I'm friendly with everyone there, but friends with only a few; the dividing line for me is whether I (intentionally) see them outside of work. There are people there that I would never consider being friends with, some I don't even like; but I work fine with them; I just keep it professional.

[Chuckball]

As a client, I admit to having a crush on a couple of escorts. But I always remember to keep things professional when using their paid services. Beyond sex I am just as pleased with our conversations in a restaurant after fooling around. I never text or call unless it is to arrange a meeting or in response to an escort's message. I think it is possible to be lovers and friends too.

[+ nycman]

It's a sticky wicket.

 

I've been "friendly" with a few escorts. I've gone to lunch, dinner, movies, and even

done short vacations with them. The initial invitation to spend "time off the clock"

together has always been at their request. You have to be careful. Remember, they're

humans with the same doubts and insecurities that you have...maybe even a few more.

 

If I really don't want to spend time with them, I make a polite excuse. If the desire is mutual,

I sit them down for a brief "heart to heart" talk. I make sure we both understand the difference

between time off and on the clock so there are no misunderstandings. I also make it

clear that at least initially, they will have to be the ones who initiate the requests for time

"off the clock". Once I'm a little more comfortable and secure in the idea that I'm not taking

advantage of them, I have no problem initiating off the clock contact.

 

So far, it's worked well for me. I can't say I've become "great" friends with any of them, but

I've enjoyed our "off the clock" time together, and in my heart I don't doubt the veracity of

the client-escort friendship bonds I've made...even for a second.

 

So yes, it can be done.

[big-n-tall]

To the OP...

I think you treat the friendship as you would treat a normal friendship. Keep the business side and the friendship side as separate as possible. Hopefully, neither of you try to take advantage of the other in anyway. For example, don't go into it expecting something. If you're just hanging out, don't assume it will lead to a free encounter later. (I would definitely not expect to get hugely discounted sessions.) Adversely the working guy shouldn't be hitting you up for money or something material regularly. That is what family is for.

 

If the friendship and business some how get blurred together, you probably need to discuss more clearly where the friendship/relationship is going. The friendship could go in any manor of direction if it's an honest relationship.

 

Take heed of what others have said. There are a number of thoughtful responses.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

From an escort's POV:

 

It's easier to form a lasting relationship with someone when you're not seeing them for just an hour at a time. Overnights, trips, etc are all easier ways to create real bonds with people, if they are open and willing. This goes both ways.

 

You can indeed be a friend and a client. It just takes a thoughtful escort to not take advantage of it.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

Do you have friendships with other service providers? I maintain several close friendships with a couple of them - insurance agent, financial planner, and attorney. In two cases the friendship existed before hiring the guy for professional work, and in the other our friendship developed after hiring for professional work. I don't see why an escort couldn't be the same.

[Kody S]

Here is the deal about friendship of any kind (going all the way back to Greek philosophical musings on the topic): it requires a degree of mutuality for it to work. The problem is that there can be a power imbalance in becoming friends with someone you have hired. It's like being friends with your boss: even when you both want it to work, they are still your boss and can pull the "boss card" as long as you work for them. As long as you are paying someone for a service it's hard not to relate outside of those money-power dynamics.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible but the dynamics are tricky to navigate.

[P Gren]

What do escorts/dancers/other professionals think works? Can clients get past sexual attraction and really be friends?

[big-n-tall]

What do escorts/dancers/other professionals think works? Can clients get past sexual attraction and really be friends?

 

I'm not an escort... but yes. In my case, I can give two clear examples (although I have more). I have become extremely close (in a brotherly way) with a webcam/porn actor (and I think he did some muscle worship). We never met sexually, but I used to cam with him regularly. Until one day, he sent me an email explaining all these things about him, I never expected him to tell me. The next thing I know we're hanging out. I'm meeting his family, he's meeting some of mine. We go to sporting events together and I'm going to visit him in the summer. I literally don't think of him in a sexual manner anymore because he's become like family.I'm not into incest fantasies. LOL

 

The other guy and myself hit it off immediately the first time we met. We have so many things in common it is ridiculous. He comes to my area a good number of times a year. Currently, ninety percent of the time we meet up, it's not for sex, but just to hang out. He makes sure he makes time to see me every time he comes to town, even if we don't plan to meet up for sexy time. I still think he's sexy as all get out, but the relationship is no longer based on a escort/client relationship. Hell, I even offered to give him money sometimes, because of his circumstances, when we just hang out and he refuses to accept it.

[Meo]

Here is the deal about friendship of any kind (going all the way back to Greek philosophical musings on the topic): it requires a degree of mutuality for it to work. The problem is that there can be a power imbalance in becoming friends with someone you have hired. It's like being friends with your boss: even when you both want it to work, they are still your boss and can pull the "boss card" as long as you work for them. As long as you are paying someone for a service it's hard not to relate outside of those money-power dynamics.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible but the dynamics are tricky to navigate.

Beautifully written. I think true friendship is more likely when the word "former" is in operation and you have a new, more mutual, more equal relationship that succeeds the less equal one.

[Jay DC]

Wow. Thanks to everyone for the replies. I am impressed on how thoughtful and insightful they are. I'm now a little skeptical about clearly dividing "on" and "off" the clock time. I'm also never looking for freebies, so that will help. I'll be sure to polish up my communication skills and give it a shot. I'll report back. Thanks again for the good thinking.

[+ Keith30309]

This is a difficult one for me because part of what makes the most successful encounters so wonderful is the closeness and emotional attachment that I enjoy. Even though that attachment fades at the end of our time together the shadow of close friendship lingers. I really have to make a conscious effort to remember boundaries and view the situation from my companion's perspective.

 

I was talking with my favorite companion/friend, who lives in another city and travels a few times a year, at the end of our time in our most recent meeting. I absentmindedly commented that I wished he lived in my town. He replied."How often would I see you if I did?" and I was muted. The answer in my mind was "Constantly" but it was a purely irrational reaction ignoring any sort of healthy boundaries and respect for his needs.

I've thought a good bit about that since and my take-away is to try to simply be happy with that which I'm able to enjoy and not overreach.

[Mydavid]

I don't know. Companionship is one of the most important factors in friendship, which happens to be what the escorts sell. It might be not easy to separate life from work.

[Mocha]

I have never developed a relationship outside of the hired sessions and am not always sure how to behave. Any advice on navigating a friendship outside of the hired time?

 

What everyone else said was good advice. However...one of the things that wasn't mentioned is the fact that Ive found being "friends" with clients oftentimes leads to conversations about finding other sources of income or different career paths.

 

Don't get me wrong, if a client wants to share some ideas if the Escort seems to want to get out of the business, by all means. However, I disagree with clients suggesting career changes, rather than helping to promote the current line of work chosen

[+ OliverSaks]

@Mocha,

 

I wonder if clients suggesting new lines of work have just "been around the block" a little more than you when it comes to the hiring world and the trajectory of a standard working guy.

 

I think plenty of people on this board have been around long enough to see what happens to a lot of companions over time as they "age out" of the industry and are left in poor economic standing due to poor money management (feeling like the money comes so easily and will always keep flowing) and a lack of other options (no legit employment record, no degree, etc). I wouldn't take it personally that they are trying to show you viable options with longevity - relatively few companions make a life out of this long term without other means of generating income.

[Jay DC]

I want to thank everyone again for the thoughful comments, especially since I realized there had been similar threads in the past. Sometimes it sucks to be a newbie!

[Kody S]

Hey Jay! It's great you are a newbie! We all started as one . And everyone here is happy to help.

[BryanKnight]

As a professional, when I'm in your situation, it's important to me to not feel taken for granted.

For the people I've seen, they also want the same.

 

The best relationships that have developed that way have been through being willing to talk honestly about what we want

and what boundaries we have. We also agree that we care about being together in advance, so when one of us may make a mistake,

like saying something out of turn, we don't break the fundamental friendship.

 

A good sense of humor and taking your time helps too.

[Kody S]

@BryanKnight Well said.