A series of unfortunate events

[MiamiLooker]

Do the two of you still love each other, or are you just comfortable with each other?

[+ Topseed]

1) Get an attorney.

2) Get out.

 

This is abuse, plain and simple. I regret saying this.

 

Live in the the truth.

 

And questions: if you stay, how long are you planning on living this way? And at what cost?

[+ sniper]

It's hard to say for sure because we're only getting your side of the story but I think, RD, you need to look carefully at the dynamic here. You seem to conclude you will do exactly what your husband says. You conclude you can't tell them the truth because that would be the end. End of what, exactly? Think very hard about what YOU want. Yes, you cheated. But you cheated because you were seriously unhappy about your relationship. Think very hard about what you want and what, realistically, you will actually have.

Doesn't sound like he's ever moved an inch to accommodate YOUR desires from what you've said so far. And honestly you don't sound like you want him so much as you fear change(and being someone who's bad about change, I empathize there, something of this level is traumatic). But you really should talk to a therapist about this, I think. Strangers on a discussion board, however well-intentioned, bring our own biases to the situation.

[+ newatthis]

...counseling for 1 can be very effective. It may help you deal with whatever decisions you have to make, by giving you some clarity or perspective you didn't have before...

This is very important! You simply don't have the perspective/distance on your own to evaluate what you really want/need, what you can live with, .... A non-judgmental, trained third party can help more than you would believe possible, and in ways that you can't even anticipate right now. Take some time to find the right person; if you're not comfortable in the first session, move on. Good luck!

[+ quoththeraven]

I've tried, repeatedly, over the years to engage him - only to be rebuffed, for reasons unknown.

 

Is this really the kind of person you want to live with the rest of your life?

 

However you feel about your relationship and its importance, it is not meant to be all the other person's way. His threats are mostly just that, threats.

 

Put me down as another yes for counseling for yourself. That he is opposed to couples counseling makes him seem even more unreasonable to me.

 

Yes, you kept something from him. But he kept something from you, too: why the lack of sexual engagement. Either it's a dealbreaker for you or it's not. Figuring out which it is is part of why seeing a trained third-party can be useful.

[+ Funguy]

First of all - I am in the school of getting therapy (and don't just stick with the first one if you don't like him/her). You intimate that you live in an "out of the way" place so you might have to do some digging to find a GAY-FRIENDLY therapist - do it!

 

Next, do you love him? Really love him. Or are you just together for so long that's all you know and don't want to rock the status-quo?

If you DO really love him and want to stay together, how about starting to put some of your thoughts on paper, spelling out to yourself how you feel, why you did what you did and was it inevitable? Did you want him to find out? Did you feel rejected by him? Did his refusal of sex make you feel ugly or somehow not loved by him? Did you feel he had someone on the side and that's why he no longer wanted sex with you? Does he have a medical problem which interferes with sex? Be it ED, STD, whatever? To go from threesomes and group sex to zero, something is amiss. Is he angry that you did this and doesn't care why and wants you gone or is he interested in finding out just why this happened?

 

Do not just give up. But, after 37 years with someone if you can't sit down and talk 1:1 about this then you are not in the right relationship.

 

And last, this again is just my 2 cents: it is important that this was with an escort, not a grinder hookup or back page, or craig's list or whatever. You were desperate and you needed sex and to be treated like the wonderful person I hope you are just for the short time you were away. That you paid $ for it means it was that much more important to you that it not be like a fling with anyone from anywhere. You wanted to make sure that it was without strings and you had no feelings for the person in a romantic way. You had an itch and it NEEDED to be scratched by an "impartial" party.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Funguy

[+ azdr0710]

now wondering if it would be a perfect idea......or tragic idea??.......for the OP to just SHOW this thread to his husband.....

 

ReluctantDaddy's husband is appearing to be, admittedly based only on RD's comments, a humorless, stiff, fuddy-duddy.....RD: what is his comment when you simply say to him, "we never have sex anymore, what do you expect me to do?"......but I know you said communication is difficult

[LookingAround]

After some discussion, counseling is not on the table for the 2 of us - we don't discuss our problems with strangers.

 

Hopefully you've found the input from the folks here helpful. I'm sure you see the illogic in that you've asked for it all from strangers. Hope you won't be too rigid in that opinion.

Edited December 12, 2016 by LookingAround

[Reluctant Daddy]

Hopefully you've found the input from the folks here helpful. I'm sure you see the illogic in that you've asked for it all from strangers.

 

The input has been tremendously helpful, and the logic about discussing with strangers is his, not mine. These are uncharted waters for me and I needed to gain some perspective on possible courses of action.

 

Do the two of you still love each other, or are you just comfortable with each other?

 

We still love each other, perhaps not as intensely as we did years ago. And, after 36 years, there is a definitely a certain comfort aspect to the relationship. For either of us to simply walk away and try to destroy one another over this is what's thrown me. In my mind, "it's just sex" without any strings or attachments. I guess I fucked up with that logic.

 

I'm screening therapists this week to get a professional take on this. Hopefully, I can come up with an easier way to deal with this and try to fix it.

 

Thanks again to all of you for your comments, support and for not kicking me while I'm down. I truly appreciate this forum and all of you. You're really a wonderful group of people!

[JayCeeKy]

Would counseling for 1 really be effective?

 

As a licensed Couple and Family Therapist, I have spent many years with clients who have literally dragged their partners into therapy - demanding that their PARTNERS CHANGE! It doesn't work that way. You are only responsible for one person in this life... and that's YOU. Sometimes, if you make changes in your life, your partner will also change, but don't count on it. I encourage my clients to say the newly-revised SERENITY PRAYER:

 

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the people I cannot change.

COURAGE to change the person I can.

And the WISDOM to know..... it's me.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[Racketjock]

Very sorry to hear of your difficult situation and challenges. I agree with advice here to seek counseling and maintain clear communication. Please, continue to reach out. This rowdy group as do I care and support any way we can.

[Meo]

I'm very pro-counseling, but between the unilateral sexual shutdown and the "get out and leave your dogs" approach, you are having a "Scrooge"-type glimpse of what your future relationship could look like. Counseling would be a great avenue to discuss what "go find someone to play with" really meant and what your ground rules should be going forward. However, a law office is the only place to discuss being kicked out and having your dogs stolen. I have two friends who were middle class professionals (earning $50-$60K per annum) partnered for about 10 years to upper class professionals earning about three times as much. My friends' investment in legal counsel in far less acrimonious situations really saved them financially and psychologically. You are starting off in an acrimonious situation and you should consult counsel ASAP, for your own mental health as well as your financial health.

[gallahadesquire]

As a licensed Couple and Family Therapist, I have spent many years with clients who have literally dragged their partners into therapy - demanding that their PARTNERS CHANGE! It doesn't work that way. You are only responsible for one person in this life... and that's YOU. Sometimes, if you make changes in your life, your partner will also change, but don't count on it. I encourage my clients to say the newly-revised SERENITY PRAYER:

 

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the people I cannot change.

COURAGE to change the person I can.

And the WISDOM to know..... it's me.

 

Good luck on your journey.

 

God,

Grant me the

Strength

to change what I can

The

Serenity

to acdept what I can't change; and

The

Wisdom

to

Hide the Bodies of the People I Had to Kill

Because they

Pissed Me Off!

My apologies after the fact. I'm on the side of:

1. Legal counsel NOW;
   
2. Look for a counselor for yourself
   
3. DO NOT LEAVE the premises. Our Legal Beagles can explain that to you.
   

[+ quoththeraven]

First of all - I am in the school of getting therapy (and don't just stick with the first one if you don't like him/her).

 

Do not just give up. But, after 37 years with someone if you can't sit down and talk 1:1 about this then you are not in the right relationship.

 

+1

 

We still love each other, perhaps not as intensely as we did years ago.... For either of us to simply walk away and try to destroy one another over this is what's thrown me.

 

You can only be sure that you still love him. That he loves you may be an assumption. From here, it's impossible to tell if his threats are bluster or not, but they don't seem very loving.

 

Please don't take what you did as tantamount to destroying one another over this. From what you're saying, he's the one proposing that, not you. It is also possible to walk away without seeking to destroy each other; don't rule it out on the basis of a false equivalence.

 

I'm very pro-counseling, but between the unilateral sexual shutdown and the "get out and leave your dogs" approach, you are having a "Scrooge"-type glimpse of what your future relationship could look like. Counseling would be a great avenue to discuss what "go find someone to play with" really meant and what your ground rules should be going forward. However, a law office is the only place to discuss being kicked out and having your dogs stolen. I have two friends who were middle class professionals (earning $50-$60K per annum) partnered for about 10 years to upper class professionals earning about three times as much. My friends' investment in legal counsel in far less acrimonious situations really saved them financially and psychologically. You are starting off in an acrimonious situation and you should consult counsel ASAP, for your own mental health as well as your financial health.

 

Agreed. You need to know how to protect yourself from threats and what you reasonably might expect if you do wind up apart despite your wishes otherwise.

[liubit]

My partner of 15 years knows that I hire escorts, and I know that he does too. In fact, our most important rule is that "extra curricular" activities can take place with escorts ONLY. Non-commercial hook ups are off limits. Another rule is that we tell each other everything, before and after the deed. The system has worked well for the two of us.

[+ WmClarke]

You can only be sure that you still love him. That he loves you may be an assumption.

And quite a big one at that.

 

It wouldn't be the first time someone unhappy in a relationship waited for the partner to make a mistake so they could use it as a reason to end everything--thus remaining (in their eyes, anyway), the wronged party, completely devoid of any responsibility for the dissolution of the relationship.

 

From here, it's impossible to tell if his threats are bluster or not, but they don't seem very loving.

+1

[Reluctant Daddy]

I took the leap and met with a counselor today. While I didn't expect any answers, I didn't expect so many questions.

 

The one question that I can't seem to answer or deal with is "how important is sex vs relationship to me". With my first hire, I rediscovered the joy of sex. While I'm not very good at it, I enjoy it immensely. At this stage of my life I think that any continuing encounters I might have would be with hires.

 

I've not spoken in detail to my husband about what happened, but it's clear that he's not keen on sex outside of our sexless relationship in any form.

 

Some general questions - if you were in a similar situation, could/would you completely give up sex to keep the relationship going? Would it lead to frustration and resentment on your part?

[Rudynate]

I took the leap and met with a counselor today. While I didn't expect any answers, I didn't expect so many questions.

 

The one question that I can't seem to answer or deal with is "how important is sex vs relationship to me". With my first hire, I rediscovered the joy of sex. While I'm not very good at it, I enjoy it immensely. At this stage of my life I think that any continuing encounters I might have would be with hires.

 

I've not spoken in detail to my husband about what happened, but it's clear that he's not keen on sex outside of our sexless relationship in any form.

 

Some general questions - if you were in a similar situation, could/would you completely give up sex to keep the relationship going? Would it lead to frustration and resentment on your part?

 

People need sex - that's all there is to it. It's one of the most important things in life. Living without it just isn't a reasonable option.

[+ sniper]

RD, you say it's clear, but how clear is it exactly when he had actually said "go find a boy?" You need to actually be able to ask him an explicit direct question and get a direct answer to know for sure. And you may choose not to bother to ask.

And I wouldn't be so sure he's not getting some on the side himself if everything came to a screeching halt the way it did.

[kewtex]

Some general questions - if you were in a similar situation, could/would you completely give up sex to keep the relationship going? Would it lead to frustration and resentment on your part?

 

I've been in that situation. After a while, it led to frustration and resentment. From what you wrote in your initial post, you're at the point of frustration, thus you sought sexual release outside of the marriage. I understand and empathize with you. It's unfortunate that your husband has lost interest in sex, and that he may be denying you something you want and need.

I'm not certain that you should have to choose between a relationship and sex. Shouldn't a marriage be able to provide both of those things for you?

In the end, maybe it comes down to the question Ann Landers used to pose: Are you better off with or with him?

[+ WmClarke]

Some general questions - if you were in a similar situation, could/would you completely give up sex to keep the relationship going? Would it lead to frustration and resentment on your part?

My situation was a bit different. But: I did and it's hell. Never again.

[OneFinger]

I took the leap and met with a counselor today. While I didn't expect any answers, I didn't expect so many questions.

 

The one question that I can't seem to answer or deal with is "how important is sex vs relationship to me". With my first hire, I rediscovered the joy of sex. While I'm not very good at it, I enjoy it immensely. At this stage of my life I think that any continuing encounters I might have would be with hires.

 

I've not spoken in detail to my husband about what happened, but it's clear that he's not keen on sex outside of our sexless relationship in any form.

 

Some general questions - if you were in a similar situation, could/would you completely give up sex to keep the relationship going? Would it lead to frustration and resentment on your part?

I'm very late to this thread but there are lots of great questions and suggestions. That's why I love this place.

 

My opinion on sex vs relationship is that a sexless relationship is no relationship at all. That's why I'm not currently in a relationship. I've become very comfortable being single and hiring. In fact, I find being single much preferred over a troubled relationship. I've come to grips with the fact that I'll be single the rest of my life. But, that sure beats the drama and frustration of my past relationships. I can't live on an emotional roller coaster.

[Meo]

In the wrestling community it is not uncommon to see relationships that lack intercourse or even much sex aside from side-by-side self-masturbation, but the wrestling itself provides a big sexual element and release that significantly satisfies both partners. I was not long ago in the odd position of being told by my (wrestling and more) partner that we would no longer have any physical contact whatsoever and that he would seek physical contact elsewhere (side-by-side self-masturbation, no more). He otherwise expected to keep all the romantic elements of our relationship intact (i.e., me taking him out a lot!). I ended it without hesitation, and he is currently trying to "get me back" and offering me anything I want while I now date a man literally half his age and a hundred times his libido. Sexless "relationships" often mean withholding and excluding relationships, and the unlikeliest person can be a hypocrite and seek sexual stimulation elsewhere even while claiming he doesn't want it at all. I would be really careful with any arrangement premised on being "sexless," because sexless often means "withholding sex for an undisclosed reason." Just my two cents, but glad you saw a counselor and hope you return for more sessions, it will take more than one!

[+ sniper]

Interesting you bring up wrestling, I found when I was playing rugby that I was markedly less interested in sex. My theory was all the contact I was getting from playing was filling some of that need.

[liubit]

I took the leap and met with a counselor today. While I didn't expect any answers, I didn't expect so many questions. (.....) Some general questions - if you were in a similar situation, could/would you completely give up sex to keep the relationship going? Would it lead to frustration and resentment on your part?

First of all, congratulations on seeking and finding outside counseling. As to your question, a totally sexless relation definitely would lead me to incredible frustration and resentment. In my particular case, although sex in my 15-year-old relationship has gone down to a minimum, it is very much still there and, to compensate, my boyfriend allows me to see escorts whenever I feel the urge, no questions asked. Isn't your partner being overly selfish?

People need sex - that's all there is to it. It's one of the most important things in life. Living without it just isn't a reasonable option.

My opinion on sex vs relationship is that a sexless relationship is no relationship at all.

I couldn't agree more with those two comments. It seems to me that your partner wants to have his cake and eat it too, whatever the reasons are for his forswearing sex altogether.