A series of unfortunate events

[Meo]

Interesting you bring up wrestling, I found when I was playing rugby that I was markedly less interested in sex. My theory was all the contact I was getting from playing was filling some of that need.

I think this is true for a fair number of wrestlers, where they can self-stimulate as needed and don't particularly want intercourse or many other forms of explicitly sexual contact. But I mention it because even in the absence of "full" sex, one partner withholding contact and connection is a big deal for a relationship, because at the end of the day it's about connection however you achieve it.

[Reluctant Daddy]

A follow-up and perhaps a change of mind/heart. After the death of a family member (his) and the loss of a pet we've had for the past 22 years, we were out at dinner last night lamenting the crap life has flung at us over the course of our relationship. At one point, I was checking my email and noticed an offer from the hotel where I spent my weekend in November. I mentioned it, said it sounded like a great deal, and he said "you should check to see if your boy is available......go back and have a nice weekend." When I tried to continue the conversation, he just shook his head as though it was decided - conversation over. I'm not sure if he's resigned himself to the fact that I have done and would like to do this again. I don't think that there's any interest on his part to discuss it any further. Most definitely to be discussed in detail next session with my counselor.

[BaronArtz]

At one point, I was checking my email and noticed an offer from the hotel where I spent my weekend in November. I mentioned it, said it sounded like a great deal, and he said "you should check to see if your boy is available......go back and have a nice weekend." .

 

With all due respect, but that was not very tactful of you, nor was it considerate. Inviting your husband/partner to the very same hotel where you had your tryst? That was in poor taste. Sorry. I understand his reaction.

[mike carey]

With all due respect, but that was not very tactful of you, nor was it considerate. Inviting your husband/partner to the very same hotel where you had your tryst?

I didn't read it that he was in the same hotel, just that [wherever he was] he received an e-mail about an offer. I will agree that it was tactless to comment on an e-mail, and even that it was tactless to be looking at e-mails in the circumstances.

[BaronArtz]

I read it as - they were having dinner somewhere, during dinner he read an email about an offer from the hotel where he had his tryst, then mentioned to his husband/partner that it would be a 'great deal'. Tactless on many levels. Especially at a time the husband/partner is mourning the loss of a family member and a pet.

[Reluctant Daddy]

With all due respect, but that was not very tactful of you, nor was it considerate. Inviting your husband/partner to the very same hotel where you had your tryst? That was in poor taste. Sorry. I understand his reaction.

 

To clarify, the entire dinner conversation didn't revolve around doom and gloom. We were discussing many upbeat things, including individual upcoming travel plans and the fact that I wanted to travel to Montreal as well as return to the city of my tryst. It wasn't intended or taken as an invite (we're unable to travel together). As for the email thing, as tactless as it is, our jobs somewhat revolve around it so it's checked frequently.

 

**And I just noticed that part of my post got clipped when editing on my ipad....if should have read

 

"lamenting the crap life has flung at us over the course of our relationship, and the changes we've gone through"

Edited January 15, 2017 by Reluctant Daddy

[BaronArtz]

I wanted to travel to Montreal as well as return to the city of my tryst. .

 

Do you in any way feel that bringing that up was/is/will be helpful in patching things up with your husband/partner?

[Reluctant Daddy]

Do you in any way feel that bringing that up was/is/will be helpful in patching things up with your husband/partner?

 

Patching things up should be an effort on both of our parts. The unwillingness on his part to address the issue isn't making things better. Perhaps he's realized that I'm unhappy with the status quo and this is a compromise on his part.

[+ Funguy]

How could this be a compromise? He knows you are unhappy. He must realize that his set-in-stone unwillingness to discuss these subjects - sex, your indiscretion, what lead to your actions, etc. will eventually lead to nothing good. He is clearly unhappy, too, but he is unwilling to try to fix the problems. It really does take two to untangle this mess.

[+ WmClarke]

How could this be a compromise? He knows you are unhappy. He must realize that his set-in-stone unwillingness to discuss these subjects - sex, your indiscretion, what lead to your actions, etc. will eventually lead to nothing good. He is clearly unhappy, too, but he is unwilling to try to fix the problems. It really does take two to untangle this mess.

^^this

 

He's looking for someone to blame for ending the relationship--someone that's not him.

[Reluctant Daddy]

How could this be a compromise? He knows you are unhappy. He must realize that his set-in-stone unwillingness to discuss these subjects - sex, your indiscretion, what lead to your actions, etc. will eventually lead to nothing good. He is clearly unhappy, too, but he is unwilling to try to fix the problems. It really does take two to untangle this mess.

 

I think it may be his way of compromising because he doesn't want to discuss the issue. I'm sure he knows that I sought out sex because I'm not getting from him at home. At this point, I'm not sure that the reason is relevant. He must realize that I was being extremely discreet and went to great lengths to arrange a tryst with someone outside of the area, away from him and anyone we know. And since he believes that it was someone younger, may be aware that it was paid for in some way, shape or form (although the actual amount will never be known to him).

 

I'm happy in the relationship with the exception of the sexual aspect. I think he's happy/content in the relationship except for this episode. The whole divorce drama has mellowed, and I personally see his comment as an ok/fix to do this, so long as I don't bring it home or wave it under his nose. I may be wrong, but I'm not quite sure what other reason he had for making that comment.

[rvwnsd]

Sorry for being so late to the party. I have to tell you, what you have told us makes this sound very one-sided - his. Your husband seems to be very controlling and unwilling to entertain ideas that did not originate in his head. I'm glad you are seeking counseling on your own. My suggestion, like others', is to seek legal advice. While I get your feeling guilty for seeking sex outside of the relationship, you did so for a very good reason: he decided there would be no sex inside of the relationship. His refusal to discuss the issue, his waving his hand and telling you to have fun with "your boy," and his threats do not bode well for a happy relationship. Seems like you have to ask yourself what you get out of staying in this controlling, sexless, and apparently affectionless relationship? Sounds like your counselor is trying to steer you on a path for answering that question.

[+ Funguy]

I think it may be his way of compromising because he doesn't want to discuss the issue. I'm sure he knows that I sought out sex because I'm not getting from him at home. At this point, I'm not sure that the reason is relevant. He must realize that I was being extremely discreet and went to great lengths to arrange a tryst with someone outside of the area, away from him and anyone we know. And since he believes that it was someone younger, may be aware that it was paid for in some way, shape or form (although the actual amount will never be known to him).

 

I'm happy in the relationship with the exception of the sexual aspect. I think he's happy/content in the relationship except for this episode. The whole divorce drama has mellowed, and I personally see his comment as an ok/fix to do this, so long as I don't bring it home or wave it under his nose. I may be wrong, but I'm not quite sure what other reason he had for making that comment.

 

It sounds like you are going right back to the way it was pre-tryst, as if it never happened. You saw where that got you.

Sorry I sound like a broken record, but it WILL take 2 of you to get this ship righted. Don't just give up and settle, keep trying, especially with your counselor. But it also sounds like you have never told him it was a paid escort not someone you just hooked up with. Hopefully, honesty will breed honesty.

[+ azdr0710]

I wonder how Reluctant Daddy - and the marriage - is/are doing....we haven't heard from him in a month.......sounded like an uneasy truce, last I remember

[Reluctant Daddy]

I wonder how Reluctant Daddy - and the marriage - is/are doing....we haven't heard from him in a month.......sounded like an uneasy truce, last I remember

 

Basically in truce mode and holding. No further discussion of the events or what may happen in the future. I'm going counseling alone and it's pretty difficult and painful. At this point my counselor thinks that we both have far too much invested in our time together to call it quits over this. She also thinks mentioning the fact that I'm hiring would further complicate matters. And to my surprise, she completely supports my hiring. She thinks I'm getting both the physical and emotional support missing from my marriage and thinks that it's important to continue that. The trick is to discreetly balance the two and to not become too dependent on an escort for those things.

 

At this point I'm not sure what I'm going to do, and will retreat to my burrow with my bottle of gin to think it out.

[+ WmClarke]

Good luck. Hope this all works out well for you.

[escortrod]

Sounds like you found yourself an excellent, open-minded counsellor.

[Rudynate]

Basically in truce mode and holding. No further discussion of the events or what may happen in the future. I'm going counseling alone and it's pretty difficult and painful. At this point my counselor thinks that we both have far too much invested in our time together to call it quits over this. She also thinks mentioning the fact that I'm hiring would further complicate matters. And to my surprise, she completely supports my hiring. She thinks I'm getting both the physical and emotional support missing from my marriage and thinks that it's important to continue that. The trick is to discreetly balance the two and to not become too dependent on an escort for those things.

 

At this point I'm not sure what I'm going to do, and will retreat to my burrow with my bottle of gin to think it out.

 

 

Years ago, I read an article about relationships. I don't remember where. The author's point was that the conventional wisdom that people in a relationship shouldn't have any secrets from each other wasn't necessarily so - that comfort with each other was at least as important as truthfulness with each other. And that holding back a few secrets, if it positively affected the comfort level, might not be such a bad thing.

[pubic_assistance]

I'd appreciate any thoughts, advice, words of wisdom, anything really.

In general, when you don't have honesty and trust in a relationship, you don't have a relationship. So ....simply put, if your partner is upset you went behind his back, he has a right to be upset about that. In response, it is perfectly reasonable for you as a human being to desire a healthy sex life. So, the conversation to be had, is to first: apologize for the betrayal of trust... (and don't make excuses). Just apologize. THEN, move on to the issue of sex and have an adult conversation with this man, who you should know well enough by now. If he cares about you, then he should care that you're in need of some physical attention. Throw the responsibility of what to do about the situation in his lap, and take it from there. If he can't be bothered, then you really don't have a relationship anymore. If you're partner doesn't care about your, needs...then you need to move on. It's reasonable to be hurt about the deception, but it's not reasonable to pretend your emotional/physical needs are not his responsibility at all. Even if it requires an understanding that you're going to get them met, elsewhere.

[YoungAD]

I'm going counseling alone and it's pretty difficult and painful. At this point my counselor thinks that we both have far too much invested in our time together to call it quits over this. She also thinks mentioning the fact that I'm hiring would further complicate matters. And to my surprise, she completely supports my hiring. She thinks I'm getting both the physical and emotional support missing from my marriage and thinks that it's important to continue that. The trick is to discreetly balance the two and to not become too dependent on an escort for those things.

 

Sounds like you found yourself an excellent, open-minded counsellor.

 

I could not disagree more. A counselor who enables you to stay in an emotional and sexual dead zone because of "complications" and "history" and the convenience of being able to hire to scratch your occasional itch is not a particularly effective counselor. I would have fired my counselor immediately had he or she suggested I stay married because I could hire an escort every so often.

 

The mere fact of history is no reason whatsoever to stay in an unhappy marriage, gay or straight. You should reconsider the advice AND the source.

[pubic_assistance]

The mere fact of history is no reason whatsoever to stay in an unhappy marriage, gay or straight

WHOA COWBOY. No one said anything about an "unhappy marriage". The sex dies off in most marriages, and that becomes a dilemma for many. That therapist is dead on track with supporting this fellows right to get his needs met.

[MiamiLooker]

...will retreat to my burrow with my bottle of gin to think it out.

Your counselor is ok with that?

[Rudynate]

WHOA COWBOY. No one said anything about an "unhappy marriage". The sex dies off in most marriages, and that becomes a dilemma for many. That therapist is dead on track with supporting this fellows right to get his needs met.

 

I agree. There are no cookie-cutter solutions to life's difficult dilemmas. His therapist should be helping him to achieve an outcome that's right for him. His ideal outcome may differ from one that you might read about in your college psychology textbook.

[Whitman]

Whenever I revisit this thread, I remind myself of a key detail that Reluctant Daddy shared in his original post ... that he married his husband after the sexual part of their long relationship had ended ...

I've been in a relationship with a man for the past 36 years, married for the past 6. There was a very healthy and active sex life until 7 years ago.

I'm inclined to assume that the counselor who told RD that he and his husband...

...both have far too much invested in [their] time together to call it quits over this...

... made that suggestion on the basis of The Big Picture that RD presented to her.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Whitman

[+ sniper]

I'd assume they got married at the point it became legal, and considered themselves as married before that. I wouldn't read into that that they've only "really" been married for 6 years like I would with a straight couple who took that long to tie the knot.