I can still hear my cries

[jackjackjack]

Robert, my love, and I have always slept together ever since we moved in together decades ago. . When our sexual interests in each faded as we got older, we still hold each other for a few minutes when we got to bed each night,, give a kiss, then we each go to our sides of bed to sleep. I'm a very early riser. slink out of bed, make coffee, read news , ready for gym, before work, and he stumbles out of bed short time laier...

 

We became best of friends in middle school...probably we were13 years old .....we were both cuties..haha....very small town in Midwest. We started hanging together all the time.... We had so much fun. . straight guy fun....of course never touched each other....only homosecxuals did that......double dated (yea with girls), but we liked when together...just really doing nothing...just hanging, movies, hamburgers, tv, we'd tell jokes, laugh so much. Ithink we were sophomores in high school....I guess we were 16 years old.. So he got a little used motor scooter.....his father help him get it running...(my father had died when i was about 12)...Well, I remember getting on the back of the scooter with him very first time. I said, 'what do I hold to'., he said, 'Hold on to me.' . I'm sure I always road with a 'hard on' while hoding on to him. Oh the freedom of just riding around in the countryside on those warm summer nights. Late one night, just riding around, close to my home, he stopped the bike, turned to me, looked right at me, and just leaned in and kissed me....my first kiss... and his. I didnt say anything. he said nothing...we stared for ever it seemed, we drove to my house...dropped me off. I was scared, happy, afraid, overwhelmed. think i beat off 2.3 times that night thinking about his kiss. I wanted more. That was the begining of our love. Small town we were so scared other people would find out, When we were alone we couldn"t keep our hands off each other.

 

 

Right after h.s., our lives seemed to fall apart.....we were going to be seperated, first time. my mom was moving me with her to Los Angeles (too many details). He stayed went on to college...he We wrote letters, love letters...no email then....We'd write sometimes 2 or more letters per day. i cant even tell you how difficult it was to not be with him. We'd talk on phone but I remember it was expensive I still lived with my mother...cheaper when going to school but even then i didnt think mom knew i was gay...but thats another story. ....plus iIwas still kind of mentally a young man with a small town mentality...very naïve

 

let me interject.....I got horny. ...of course he did too... we wern't selibate this whole time apart.of course, but we never, ever shared anything about whom i encoutered or who he....and that was even through our entire relationship....if he played or i played...everything so discrete. Of course we knew....no secret but.....we never ...almost never spoke of it.

 

After he graduated , he got into medical school in L.A.. area. iIhad graduated, Now we were together atlast...found a little apt........of course he was is school for years more.

Well life happened....the good, the wonderful, the scary, mistakes were made , everything that life throws at you. the sad stuff, the not so pretty....years pasted, we had lots in common, art, music politics, We'd still tell jokes, laugh and laugh, travel, food, Decades passed.....seemed so quickly.

When ever we left the house, you know, we'd never leave to run an errand, go somewhere with giving just a quick little kiss and say i love you.

Yes, our sexual interest with each faded over time but we loved...we were meant for each other....we were meant to be together in this life. sillly me, maybe we were together in another life.

 

i got up early as usual on May 8

,slipped ou tof bed, same routine...coffee, news, get ready for gym. sleepy head was still in bed, needed a quick kiss before i left, went into our bedroom, ...really all i can remember are my cries for help. He was cold still, lifeless, ......my baby was taken from me.. to see him lying there,.....there are no words, no words............. I ran over to my neighbors, screaming..crying..

 

I'm sitting on the floor here writing this, surrounded by hundreds of love letters he wrote to me decades ago Strangely Ive never lived alone. . .either lived with my mom or my love. I'm alone now. i'll be fine. i am sharing this with you on here because, well, I'm kind of lost....I still work, trying to keep busy, lots of finalizing things. friends call, come by. I'm know many on tis forum have experienced a terrible loss....this is not unique. So i know this is life..I'm dealing with it. yea, i know I'm feeling sorry for myself...oh well. Anyway, just sharing.

[oceansunshine]

What a wonderful relationship!

 

I at 1st missed the now loss. :-(

 

He will be a positive part of you forever........

[mike carey]

Jackjackjack, so profound, so touching, so sad, so heartfelt. My heart goes out to you in your loss.

[+ honcho]

He was cold still, lifeless, ......my baby was taken from me.. to see him lying there,.....there are no words, no words............. I ran over to my neighbors, screaming..crying..

 

I am so sorry for your loss; but am moved and grateful to learn of the wonderful relationship you had.

[+ Oliver]

Your love --- and your best friend! I do know how you feel.

[SteveStacks]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss....heartbreaking.

This is the hardest thing anyone can face.....I wish I had better words...

And what a beautiful thing to have had so many wonderful years together and for him to have been loved so well to the very end!

[bigvalboy]

I'm speechless...Bless you for sharing your story and your life with us 3 jacks. I will light a candle in remembrance of your best friend, lover, life partner, and wish him safe passage. Life is fleeting, but memories are forever. God bless you and may peace be with him.

[+ Lance_Navarro]

Thank you so much for sharing your story and memories. What a beautiful life you'll had together. Living alone can be difficult, especially if you've never experiences it before, but I'm happy that you are surrounded by loving people. Though your first and only love is gone, love is not dead, it flows through life and is all around us. I hope that when the time is right, romantic love will find you again. My partner is 20 years older than me, though in great health, however the thought of him passing is unbearable, but of course I don't and cant go through life worrying about that, just have to live each day as if it were the last, loving hard and true.

[bostonman]

I am so touched and so saddened, Jackjackjack. As this happened over a month ago, I am glad that you felt ready to share this news with us. I hope we can be of some comfort.

 

Back in March, I found out that an ex of mine from some years back - someone I cared for very deeply and never quite got over when we split up - had passed away last December due to a recreational drug overdose at the ungodly young age of 47. I have wanted to write about this but haven't really found the courage to put all my conflicting thoughts into words yet - and I'm still trying to deal with my own feelings at this point. But sharing your story may be good therapy for me as well. So, not intending to hijack your thread with MY story, but I just want to say that I share your feelings of loss right now more than I can express.

 

But you will heal, and I will too. Maybe not completely, but that's ok. And Robert will always be with you in spirit.

[BasketBaller]

All my sympathy for your loss. I lost my wife after a short illness, and I can't imagine how hard it would have been to have it happen unexpectedly. Although perhaps this was easiest for your partner, to simply fall asleep.

 

The story of your shared youth is beautiful. As a boy and young man I was dishonest about my sexuality, lying to myself and the world. I think of boys I knew as teenagers, boys I might have loved if I'd let myself, and it makes me wistful. Congratulations on the years you had together.

[+ Truereview]

TripleJack, I join the others in offering condolences. I'm also grateful to hear the sweet story of your romance.

 

Losing the love of your life is not something you will get over, it is something you will learn to live with.

 

Living alone is not the same as living lonely, and living well is probably the best way to honor Robert.

 

Let's talk when you are ready. We share a few things in common.

 

Warm hug. -TR

[+ José Soplanucas]

What a wonderful story, JJJ. I'm sure it feels horrible loosing him, but you will never loose his memories and your time together. Now you are in pain and there is nothing we can say that is going to heal that, just time. My thoughts are with you.

[+ WmClarke]

Such a beautiful story. I am sorry for your loss and happy for the love you shared. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[down_to_business]

 

Thanks for sharing.

[Phil_musc]

Thank you for sharing your story with us here. It touched me deeply and I'm sorry I have no real words of consolation other than to echo what others have already written. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but I'd say that you were one of the lucky ones. You had such a wonderful life together - how many gay people ever experience the richly romantic and life affirming relationship that you have had? And to have found it when you were both so young. Yes, you are one of the lucky ones; I hope that you will come to see it like this.

[+ deej]

There are no words. There just aren't.

 

Know that it may seem like you've been weakened but that will fade as you recall the strength of the life you had together.

 

Come here when you're feeling blue. When you need a little laugh, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants. (People Of A Certain Age will get that reference.)

 

Seriously, what you need now is fellowship. We're kind of hit or miss about it but overall I think we're pretty good at it.

 

So sorry for your loss.

[+ bashful]

Please accept my sincere condolences. The loss of someone who changed your life, and made you a better person can never be described in words. It's still fresh, and painful. He's left this world, but your love continues, and will continue. It's always hardest on those left behind. Keep working, and stay busy. It's more therapeutic than you'll ever realize at this point. It's what puts your feet on the floor each day. Don't make it a point to avoid people, friends, family, or loved ones. Most, each in their own way, really want to really help, but sometimes they're just not always good at it. You will laugh again one day.

[+ glennnn]

Ditto, ditto, ditto. Just lost my best friend of 72 years. Not my lover, except for some fumbling experiments as pubescent boys, but the last person on the planet who shared my whole life time, since my family are all gone. I'm hugging you across the miles. I hope there are people hugging you there.

[wayout]

My sincerest condolences...what a beautiful tribute to the love of your life and to your love.

 

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

 

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

[+ purplekow]

16 years after after the lose of my wife and some days it still hurts more than I can say. Other days, most days, are enriched with the memory of the time we spent together.

My sincerest condolences on your loss. Congratulations on a long loving relationship, the kind most of us long to have.

[liubit]

Beautiful, moving and heart-wrenching story. Thanks for sharing it. My condolences to you.

[Bovary]

Jack X 3, this beautiful love story utterly broke my heart, and yet uplifted it and reminded me that true love IS possible in this world. Thank you for sharing it with us. If it were possible to hug you, I would be doing that right now.

[seaboy4hire]

Jack3, we've met just once I'm glad we did because just that one time meeting and exchanging text afterwards showed me you're a strong guy. No ones words are going to take away the pain and loneliness you are going through. Only time and traveling down memory lane from time to time can do that. I wish I was near by so I could hold you. Be strong cause you are a strong person.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[rvwnsd]

JackJackJack, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. At the same time, I'm uplifted by your story of life-long love. All I can do is encourage you to hang in there.

[+ Charlie]

Don't apologize for wanting to share this with us. It is a story that some of us can empathize with more than others, but we all can understand it. People may tell you that you will get over it, but you won't. That doesn't mean that you won't move on, as we all must. The only consolation for your loss is that you had so much that was good for so long. You can't lose the memory of that. Keep writing it down, even if you don't share it with an audience. It is yours.