Ignored on Grindr By RM Providers

[aiseeya]

In so far re resonding to any and all advances on grindr or IG.....I reckon there would be a quite opposite view between the average looking joes and the hotties. Imagine sending say 10ish texts and got ignored 80%/90% of the time on daily basis. Must be disheartening, what a blow to self esteem. Now imagine for a sec being on the other end, receiving wayyy more than 10ish texts and be expected to respond to every single one on daily basis. That must be tiring and well annoying. 

I knw a mate (who is an absolute sex magnate) who got crazy amount of texts on grindr daily. And more so on IG. Understanably he would only respond to guys he attracted to. Is he rude? Certainly priviledge but wouldnt call him rude.

[Monarchy79]

15 hours ago, FaustOust said:

There were two guys advertising on RM in whom I was interested in hiring when I visited their cities, and I  thought I might reach out to them when I was definitively planning on being in their respective hometowns. Within a couple weeks, I saw the same guys on Grindr in my city and thought that I would chat them up. What a happy coincidence!  They both ignored me — which I understand is not uncommon, particularly as I fall into a few demographics that might not be popular on Grindr — even with a mention of RM.  One even said in his ad that he was seeking men older than he is, which I am. In each case, I had clear photos and know that they read the messages through the read receipts.

I find that I have put myself in the situation that I have unintentionally confirmed that these guys are not into me physically, as neither even felt the need to be polite enough to respond in that forum or turn me down politely.  

Should my fear of rejection and my non-interaction with them on Grindr be a sufficient reason not to contact them on RM?  

Even if they responded to an RM inquiry from me, I would still know what they really thought of me through their lack of response on Grindr, and I fear that would affect any hypothetical experience I would have with either of them.  In any other instance, I would not have had this confirmation, and I could at least have the potential of going along with the fantasy that the escort was into me somehow.  

I’ve not spent much time on Grindr, but seeing both of these providers on the app in my city has lead me to believe that escorts who advertise elsewhere may also often be on Grindr. Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire, who but for the Grindr experience, I probably would have been interested in.

This situation is very simple. 
You’re making it far more complicated….

1.) Escorts are paid professionals . They have the general expectation NOT to be attracted to their clients. 

2.) Hook up apps are for “free”, non-transactional encounters (unless the individual states they are “working.”)

Escorts have lives outside of work and may be on a hookup site for their own “non transactional” entertainment. 

When you saw the potential hire on Grindr, you simply “rolled the dice”, hoping that you’d get a free encounter with this guy. 
As he’s not “working”, his attraction to you became a relevant factor in your communications because he’s now seeking a hookup to HIS satisfaction. 

From this lost gamble, you now know he isn’t remotely attracted to you, and you’re now leery of hiring him as there is no  longer a myth or illusion you can hide behind on your desirability. You BOTH will be clear that if you hire him, he’s performing a task, that’s it and that’s all. The fact that you have this hard truth will kill the vibe if you ever hire him.  

Move on, consider this a lesson learned and make sure not to contact potential hires on hookup sites, unless you’re prepared for unfiltered truths. 
 

 

 

 

 

[Monarchy79]

Stop caring about what people you don’t know think and feel about you. 

There  are millions of guys in hook up apps…

if there are those who ignore your messages, who cares?  

[Km411]

I agree that good manners don’t require a response to unsolicited texts on apps; no reply is the reply. I feel differently when someone texts me, I take the trouble to respond, and they don’t reply. But, I never take it personally because what do they have to judge me on—six words in a profile? There’s nothing to take personally.

[d.anders]

2 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

It's not about growing old.  it's a choice to accept or reject this coarsening of our culture. 

What I meant by growing old, is facing the choice of accepting or rejecting the coarsening of our culture. When I was younger, I saw everything through rose colored glasses.

[Monarchy79]

23 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

Putting aside the RM angle here, I have to disagree with you. If someone said "hello" to you in a bar, club, or supermarket line, you would not just ignore them. You would briefly chat with them and then extricate yourself from the situation—hopefully with some kindness. 

Ummm….

I’ve seen many of instances in bars & clubs where some naive guy approached a dude and the dude either directly turned his back to him, or flat out ignored him, in public… in front of everyone. 

Although apps and social media give more room for poor social behavior, don’t think that people aren’t just as nasty and vile in person. 

The reason why so many guys like apps is because it protects them from much of the in-person humiliation of rejection that can take place in person.  Being blocked or ghosted is far easier to one’s ego/self-esteem than being flat out rejected in-person. 
 

 

Edited January 12 by Monarchy79

[Monarchy79]

3 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

It's not about growing old. My millennial and Gen Z friends complain about the lack of basic manners on these platforms. Ultimately, it's a choice to accept or reject this coarsening of our culture. 

Our culture is not more “coarse” than it’s been before. The cycle of where you stand in this social paradigm changes. When the changes come, many guys go from being the “rejector”, to the “rejectee”. 

This is when the “A-list” twink   (Or a “body gurl” ) was an ultra-bitch in his prime, he thought nothing of it. He’d laugh at and reject (with pride and vigor), the old, the fat, and the “unattractive”…And he’d get a kick out of humiliating them. 

It’s when he’s aged out of desirability, and the new crop of “A-List” twinks reject him, and make it clear that he “can’t sit with them”. That he suddenly has a moral ground of decency towards mankind and how people should be “respectfully”acknowledged. 

 

 

[FaustOust]

16 hours ago, Oakman said:

I frequently get “most woofed” on Scruff and can get 50+ messages a day, not to mention “woofs” and album unlocks from boys “shooting their shot.” I do not have the time or interest in writing 50 polite messages to keep someone’s fragile ego intact. 

Well, that is not a problem I have.  I don’t think I have received 50+ messages on Grindr in the year I have been on the app.  Nevertheless, when I do receive a message, even from someone in whom I am not interested, I reply — which is I guess is a now quaint, anachronistic custom.  (My Edwardian grandmother would have been pleased with my manners (although I don’t think she gave me any advice in responding to a “dick pic”.))

I don’t think it’s because of the fragility of my ego, but rather that I have decided in life to at least lead with kindness. What I have to accept is that kindness and politeness are often rebuffed and decide how that will influence my actions and whether I should don the shield of callousness that many in modern gay culture misinterpret as strength of character.

I should have been hiring in the time when there was much more grace and charm in procuring the services of a gentleman caller for the evening.  

Edited January 11 by FaustOust

[Oakman]

11 minutes ago, FaustOust said:

I should have been hiring in the time when there was much more grace and charm in procuring the services of a gentleman caller for the evening.  

Maybe your Edwardian Great Grandmother could give you tips on how to get D. 

[Monarchy79]

Personally, I find using the the topic of gay men and manners/ettiquette to be hilarious…

Gay men haven’t used proper social etiquette since the days of Oscar Wilde, and even he was shady… 😂😂😂

Edited January 12 by Monarchy79

[PecLuvr]

Sometimes if I see a provider on Grindr, I'll send a friendly hello and a compliment on their body, handsome face, etc. No mention of hooking up -- just a friendly compliment. (I know, it's Grindr and the assumption is that everyone is trying to hook up.) If they respond with a "thank you," that tells me they are a good, courteous guy -- which increases my desire to hire them. If they don't take the time to respond, I'm unlikely to hire. 

[Oakman]

13 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

Putting aside the RM angle here, I have to disagree with you. If someone said "hello" to you in a bar, club, or supermarket line, you would not just ignore them. You would briefly chat with them and then extricate yourself from the situation—hopefully with some kindness.

Imagine walking into bar and ten men simultaneously start talking to you. You sit at the counter and get inundated by ballsy ‘4’s showing you their assholes. Some guys start making demands. Others just keep nudging you over and over and over.
 

Would you stay at the bar and just focus on meeting guys who interest you? would you avoid the bar entirely rather than risking offense to the crowd? Or would you make it your purpose every time you go out to let each uninteresting guy who walks up to you every three minutes know that you aren’t interested, but still think they’re special? Wouldn’t that be so fun? Maybe have a really inauthentic let-down speech prepared? 
 

Yes, kindness should rule. But one must never allow oneself to be manipulated by emotionally needy people who demand attention and do nothing to earn it. Nor should we make our sexy time all about feeling obligated to people who don’t turn us on. 

[marylander1940]

22 hours ago, FaustOust said:

 

I find that I have put myself in the situation that I have unintentionally confirmed that these guys are not into me physically, as neither even felt the need to be polite enough to respond in that forum or turn me down politely.  

Should my fear of rejection and my non-interaction with them on Grindr be a sufficient reason not to contact them on RM?  

 

Well, they're not into having free sex with you.

I wouldn't take it so personally, I'm sure you're better looking than most of their clients and if you like them, you might have a great time with them but paying for their company. 

22 hours ago, FaustOust said:

 

I’ve not spent much time on Grindr, but seeing both of these providers on the app in my city has lead me to believe that escorts who advertise elsewhere may also often be on Grindr. Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire, who but for the Grindr experience, I probably would have been interested in.

Of course, they go on Grindr at home and specially while visiting another city trying to hookup with other young guys. 

[TorontoDrew]

If a provider responds to me on Grindr I automatically assume I'm being catfished.  

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

7 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

Ummm….

I’ve seen many of instances in bars & clubs where some naive guy approached a dude and the dude either directly turned his back to him, or flat out ignored him, in public… in front of everyone. 

Although apps and social media give more room for poor social behavior, don’t think that people aren’t just as nasty and vile in person. 

The reason why so many guys like apps is because it protects them from much of the in-person humiliation of rejection Tanger can take place in person.  Being blocked or ghosted is far easier to one’s ego/self-esteem than being flat out rejected in-person. 
 

 

Yup. A gay bar is basically law of the jungle. 

You learn to toughen up and be aware of when you are and aren't batting way above your average. 

It's an important life skill. 

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

5 hours ago, FaustOust said:

I don’t think it’s because of the fragility of my ego, but rather that I have decided in life to at least lead with kindness. What I have to accept is that kindness and politeness are often rebuffed and decide how that will influence my actions and whether I should don the shield of callousness that many in modern gay culture misinterpret as strength of character.

I should have been hiring in the time when there was much more grace and charm in procuring the services of a gentleman caller for the evening.  

When you put it this way, I totally understand where you're coming from.  100%. 

I may be very direct, but I'm not couthless... I understand the values of social grace.

I have just learned when to practice them and when to not waste my breath and simply do as Romans do.  

It saves me a ton of wasted patience. 

 

[Monarchy79]

6 minutes ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

Yup. A gay bar is basically law of the jungle. 

You learn to toughen up and be aware of when you are and aren't batting way above your average. 

It's an important life skill. 

Perfect description!!!

Every archetype (reflective of the underbelly of gay society )is at your gay bar:

-The sexual predator who’s slipping drugs in people’s drinks.

-The cockblocker

-The socially inept guy

-The stinky dude (breath & B.O.) 

-The STD spreader

-The obnoxious “hot mess”

Navigating through all of these clowns is just the first layer of digging your way through the bar before you even find someone halfway attractive enough to even approach. 
 

Then comes the nuances associated with being a good “pick up” artist. 😂
 

 

 

 

[+ ApexNomad]

3 hours ago, Oakman said:

Imagine walking into bar and ten men simultaneously start talking to you.

[soloyo215]

On 1/10/2025 at 11:18 PM, FaustOust said:

There were two guys advertising on RM in whom I was interested in hiring when I visited their cities, and I  thought I might reach out to them when I was definitively planning on being in their respective hometowns. Within a couple weeks, I saw the same guys on Grindr in my city and thought that I would chat them up. What a happy coincidence!  They both ignored me — which I understand is not uncommon, particularly as I fall into a few demographics that might not be popular on Grindr — even with a mention of RM.  One even said in his ad that he was seeking men older than he is, which I am. In each case, I had clear photos and know that they read the messages through the read receipts.

I find that I have put myself in the situation that I have unintentionally confirmed that these guys are not into me physically, as neither even felt the need to be polite enough to respond in that forum or turn me down politely.  

Should my fear of rejection and my non-interaction with them on Grindr be a sufficient reason not to contact them on RM?  

Even if they responded to an RM inquiry from me, I would still know what they really thought of me through their lack of response on Grindr, and I fear that would affect any hypothetical experience I would have with either of them.  In any other instance, I would not have had this confirmation, and I could at least have the potential of going along with the fantasy that the escort was into me somehow.  

I’ve not spent much time on Grindr, but seeing both of these providers on the app in my city has lead me to believe that escorts who advertise elsewhere may also often be on Grindr. Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire, who but for the Grindr experience, I probably would have been interested in.

Sorry about that. It's never a good thing to be ignored. What others mentioned about escorts not mixing their Grindr lives with their RM lives is to be respected. It's difficult for us clients to see a provider in a different setting and not seeing him as a provider, but there are lines and boundaries set by them that we should respect. However, it is unrealistic to expect that we magically know which escorts are in Grindr outside of their provider realm and which aren't. I don't think you did anything wrong.

That said, if you fear rejection, and if you think that what you got from Grindr was information about a negative way in which they perceive and see you, then there's the need to consider than if you reach out to them in RM. Will that affect your interaction if you hire them? Will it be enjoyable for you? That's something than only you can answer.

I know I sometimes see a provider,love what I see, love the profile, but when I reach out I don't get the same vibe/feeling I thought I was going to get. I just move on. There are plenty of people out there, if one doesn't work, like the subway, there's always a next.

Edited January 12 by soloyo215

[LookingAround]

On 1/11/2025 at 1:10 AM, FaustOust said:

Why not politely say that they are not interested in chatting there or refer me to their ads?  Instead with ignoring, the message is you are repugnant or not worth my time.  I would love to hire them from what I know otherwise, but it’s hard to hire someone knowing how they really feel, even if it’s a different context.  

That's not how it works. First, on Grindr, a no reply is considered a polite way of saying not interested without coming out and saying it. Second, referring you to their ads is a violation of Grindr's TOS and could get them kicked off. 

[LookingAround]

On 1/11/2025 at 7:29 AM, KensingtonHomo said:

Putting aside the RM angle here, I have to disagree with you. If someone said "hello" to you in a bar, club, or supermarket line, you would not just ignore them. You would briefly chat with them and then extricate yourself from the situation—hopefully with some kindness. Allowing ourselves to treat others as less than human on apps or dating sites is callous. Treating other people as human beings is just good manners. 

 

Grindr is not a bar, club or supermarket. It is not bricks and mortar. It operates by different rules. 

[d.anders]

18 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

This situation is very simple. 
You’re making it far more complicated….

+1  Life is complicated enough for a gay man.

16 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

Our culture is not more “coarse” than it’s been before.

Have to disagree with that. Aggression and entitlement are far more prevalent these days. Simply watch the Karen-on-airplane videos on YouTube for the last 10 years of air travel. You'll see people behave in public in a manner I've never seen before. And I flew for business most of my life.

14 hours ago, FaustOust said:

I should have been hiring in the time when there was much more grace and charm in procuring the services of a gentleman caller for the evening.

And end up like Oscar Wilde?

15 hours ago, FaustOust said:

I have decided in life to at least lead with kindness.

Certainly not a bad way to live, or offer as an example. However, when it comes to sex work among gays and gay-bar life, it helps to get street smart. Pick your venues with care, and know your place within them.

[+ KensingtonHomo]

16 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

Our culture is not more “coarse” than it’s been before. The cycle of where you stand in this social paradigm changes. When the changes come, many guys go from being the “rejector”, to the “rejectee”. 

This is when the “A-list” twink   (Or a “body gurl” ) was an ultra-bitch in his prime, he thought nothing of it. He’d laugh at and reject (with pride and vigor), the old, the fat, and the “unattractive”…And he’d get a kick out of humiliating them. 

It’s when he’s aged out of desirability, and the new crop of “A-List” twinks reject him, and make it clear that he “can’t sit with them”. That he suddenly has a moral ground of decency towards mankind and how people should be “respectfully”acknowledged. 

 

 

Our culture has undeniably coarsened; much of it is driven by predatory capitalism, out-of-control individualism, and social media. And, sure, there were always guys who acted like pricks in gay bars or clubs, but they tended to be a minority. 

"Twinks" were not an A List category until the 2010s. I spent most of my 20s being told I was "too skinny" (I wasn't but the rise of the "chelsea boy" made everyone not on roids too skinny.) Sure, nice bodies have always had currency but my friend group had all types and they all found people who were attracted to them. 

Oddly, me and my husband are pursued by guys in their 20s all the time now. Those "A List" twinks. I guess the Daddy phase has its benefits. And we're both in good shape but not ripped or super muscular. Unfortunately, neither of us really find that type attractive. But we're still nice to them online or in person. 

All that said, I do not feel anyone is obliged to respond to someone who sends you 10 hole or dick pics without even a modicum of conversation. That person is not being well-mannered or respectful either. 

[marylander1940]

1 hour ago, LookingAround said:

Grindr is not a bar, club or supermarket. It is not bricks and mortar. It operates by different rules. 

Exactly, people tend to be more blunt - honest! That's good and bad at the same time!

If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen

Edited January 12 by marylander1940

[Monarchy79]

1 hour ago, KensingtonHomo said:

 

"Twinks" were not an A List category until the 2010s. I spent most of my 20s being told I was "too skinny" (I wasn't but the rise of the "chelsea boy" made everyone not on roids too skinny.)

Please note that my posting stated “twink” or “body gurl” to cover both spectrums of the “physique scale”.

I also want to note that the term and definition of a twink dates back as far as at least the 1960s.