An old friend may have come out to me

[soloyo215]

On 10/2/2024 at 12:43 AM, FreshFluff said:

How do I respond? 

 

I've just said "Welcome to the club. Be safe".

I try not to judge (unless that person has been brutally abusive towards gay men), and I understand that people have their own path in life.

[pubic_assistance]

14 hours ago, FreshFluff said:

. The conversation wasn't about bisexuality, which neither of us brought up.  

I understand that.

Maybe it should have been.

In my experience, a lot of closeted men struggle most with the gay=effeminate narrative. I would never suggest to anyone struggling with their sexual identity that they must make a binary sexual selection. There's a huge range of gray-area sexuality for many people. It can cause a lot of confusion to push someone to label themselves as "gay"before they have accepted that moniker for their own life.

[+ WilliamM]

19 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

Is he on Grindr, Tinder or both at the same time? 

 

 

Interesting response,  of course 

Ja

[+ Charlie]

The fact that he would contact you at all about the subject after all these years means that he is reflecting on the past and wants to put things right in his relationship with you, which obviously still means something to him.  I think you have handled the situation well.

I have a straight female friend whom I have known since we were in high school; her gay brother was my best friend for many years. We have been alienated and out of contact for several years because of serious political differences, yet when she learned that my spouse has entered hospice care, she called me out of the blue, to offer love and support. Old friendships may change, but they never really die.

[+ azdr0710]

@FreshFluff  everybody has offered sincere thoughts.......can't offer more except to say I hope you both stay in contact, joke around, understand each other, and offer thoughts........sorry, nothing profound from me!!.......

[+ purplekow]

On 10/2/2024 at 11:50 AM, WilliamM said:

One of the best people here is bi  He is on vacation now

I am not on vacation.  You are mistaken.

[+ FreshFluff]

14 hours ago, Charlie said:

The fact that he would contact you at all about the subject after all these years means that he is reflecting on the past and wants to put things right in his relationship with you, which obviously still means something to him.  I think you have handled the situation well.

I have a straight female friend whom I have known since we were in high school; her gay brother was my best friend for many years. We have been alienated and out of contact for several years because of serious political differences, yet when she learned that my spouse has entered hospice care, she called me out of the blue, to offer love and support. Old friendships may change, but they never really die.

Thanks, Charlie After more conversation, it’s still hard to tell if he’s pulling my leg. He’s back to stereotyping gay men. And that's when he’s not recalling unflattering anecdotes about me. “You’ll be flattered to hear that I still tell stories about you...”

He accused me of “pearl clutching shock” when he talks about sex. I told him he needs a pearl necklace. 

Edited October 4, 2024 by FreshFluff

[TonyDown]

After I came out, soon after that my brother announced his engagement to his girlfriend.   Our cousin sent congratulations on both milestones. 

On one hand I felt like he didn't entirely fathom that I didn't suddenly realize my sexuality.  Yet more importantly it was truly an admirable message from him when I think about it. 

I expect all affirmations are helpful to your friend to various degrees.

Perhaps acknowledging he took that step,  coming out, and then asking how it's going, is enough. 

That said, I have found it challenging when in contact with friends from the past that had expressed homophobic comments in my younger days.

I wish I hadn't dwelt on the past but I did.  I did not forget how difficult their behavior was.  But when I think about it, what good does that do now?

Perhaps his reaching out means you were significant to him.   Apologizing for joking with him in the past sounds like you are over thinking it.

 

Edited October 4, 2024 by TonyDown

[MscleLovr]

11 hours ago, FreshFluff said:

He’s back to stereotyping gay men. And that's when he’s not recalling unflattering anecdotes about me. “You’ll be flattered to hear that I still tell stories about you...”

He accused me of “pearl clutching shock” when he talks about sex.

I don’t understand why you describe this person as an “old friend”.
I’d say at best he’s a ‘former friend’.
And from what you say here, I wouldn’t expend anymore time or energy on him.

[marylander1940]

On 10/2/2024 at 8:40 AM, pubic_assistance said:

Sadly, homosexuals themselves are quick to suggest that sucking one dick automatically makes you gay as if there's no gray area in one's identity. So this can be frustrating for bisexuals.

"Sadly"?

Why so condescending?

Actually straight men are the ones who think if you suck dick, you're gay not "the gays". We are more understanding about someone who just wants to try it. 

On 10/3/2024 at 9:34 AM, pubic_assistance said:

I understand that.

Maybe it should have been.

In my experience, a lot of closeted men struggle most with the gay=effeminate narrative. I would never suggest to anyone struggling with their sexual identity that they must make a binary sexual selection. There's a huge range of gray-area sexuality for many people. It can cause a lot of confusion to push someone to label themselves as "gay"before they have accepted that moniker for their own life.

Moniker?

Is being gay something to make fun of?

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[pubic_assistance]

2 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

We are more understanding about someone who just wants to try

Sorry.

That's just NOT been my experience.

AT ALL..

My straight friends are FAR more accepting than most of the gay people I meet who roll their eyes when I say I'm bisexual. There are several gentlemen here on C.o.M. who have done the same.

It's sad because you'd think that gay men woukd be less judgemental. But they arent.

[pubic_assistance]

9 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

Moniker?

Is being gay something to make fun of?

Just now, pubic_assistance said:

 

Gay" is a moniker used for "homosexual".  You and I seem to be using different definitions of the word. There is no "ridicule" intrinsic to the definition I am using.

[marylander1940]

19 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Sorry.

That's just NOT been my experience.

AT ALL..

My straight friends are FAR more accepting than most of the gay people I meet who roll their eyes when I say I'm bisexual. There are several gentlemen here on C.o.M. who have done the same.

It's sad because you'd think that gay men woukd be less judgemental. But they arent.

Maybe they don't believe you. You're the only openly bisexual forum member who occasionally talks about sex with women on here. 

 

Edited October 4, 2024 by marylander1940

[pubic_assistance]

2 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

Maybe they don't believe you. You're the only openly bisexual forum member who occasionally talks about sex with women on here. 

 

Am I ? I don't think that's true. There are several men here who identify as bisexual.

Gays never believe me. Straight people accept the bisexual classification more readily. For some reason if you like to suck dick the gays expect you to immediately join their club.

Edited October 5, 2024 by pubic_assistance
spelling

[marylander1940]

29 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Am I ? I don't think that's true. There are several men here who identify as bisexual.

Gays never believe me. Straight people accept the bisexual classification more readily. For some reason if you like to suck dick the gays expect you to immediately join their club.

That's not what I've experienced.

Most straight guys can't understand why a man would like to have sex with another man.

I'm sure now being gay is more acceptable then decades ago 

[pubic_assistance]

2 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

That's not what I've experienced.

Most straight guys can't understand why a man would like to have sex with another man.

I'm sure now being gay is more acceptable then decades ago 

Well...unless I'm mistaken, you're not bisexual...so I don't think YOUR experience as a gay man would be the same as mine.

Geography had a lot to do with our experiences too. I live in NYC, where straight men are not always so afraid to express camaraderie with people of another sexual nature.

I speak only from my own experience and don't suggest everyone's experiences are the same. But I can say quite clearly that the most disparaging remarks I get about being bisexaul come from gay men, not straight men.

[+ purplekow]

46 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Well...unless I'm mistaken, you're not bisexual...so I don't think YOUR experience as a gay man would be the same as mine.

Geography had a lot to do with our experiences too. I live in NYC, where straight men are not always so afraid to express camaraderie with people of another sexual nature.

I speak only from my own experience and don't suggest everyone's experiences are the same. But I can say quite clearly that the most disparaging remarks I get about being bisexaul come from gay men, not straight men.

I agree that  gay men don't bi into it.   Straight men on the other had usually ask for a blow job.  

[pubic_assistance]

10 minutes ago, purplekow said:

I agree that  gay men don't bi into it.   Straight men on the other had usually ask for a blow job.  

This is funny mainly because it's not necessarily untrue. 😉

[+ purplekow]

10 minutes ago, purplekow said:

I agree that  gay men don't bi into it.   Straight men on the other had usually ask for a blow job.  

For those confused.  Gay men don't bi into it is a play on buying into something  and gay men do not.  Straight men acknowledge their acceptance by asking to get blown. I hope that unconfuses you. 

[+ WilliamM]

3 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

Maybe they don't believe you. You're the only openly bisexual forum member who occasionally talks about sex with women on here. 

 

You don't have to talk about if yo were  on a  marriage  to a woman 

O

[+ FreshFluff]

14 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

I don’t understand why you describe this person as an “old friend”.
I’d say at best he’s a ‘former friend’.
And from what you say here, I wouldn’t expend anymore time or energy on him.

Yeah, I'm done with him. What I remembered as a tendency to poke fun at me now comes across as open hostility. 

[+ FreshFluff]

20 hours ago, purplekow said:

I agree that  gay men don't bi into it.   Straight men on the other had usually ask for a blow job.  

A late 20s gay male hairstylist at my old salon married a young female stylist. Everyone was surprised, especially his gay friends at the salon. One of the other stylists, an extremely attractive man, is married to a man but says he occasionally has sex with women.

Edited October 5, 2024 by FreshFluff

[+ FreshFluff]

As usual, Avenue Q covered this twenty years ago. 

 

[JayJxn]

I firmly believe that very few people are 100% straight or gay. What straight man has never made a sideways glance at the urinals and had a fleeting thought of … but that fleeting thought can be very disconcerting to some and they act out in many different ways. I did not come out until late in life and I am so thankful for the support of my “straight” friends while I have had mixed reception from my “gay” friends. Part of that is our own feelings about those “wasted” years in the friendship. Also, it sounds like there was hurt in the past from how from how this giy struggled (probably unconsciously) with his own sexuality. Even though your friendship to a hiatus, I hope you can find a future in some capacity with this guy.