Anybody else fall for the men they hire?

[+ ThroatCummer]

3 hours ago, nycman said:

In the grand tradition….

I feel a song coming on….

I'm kinda shocked that FYC actually recorded another song. LOL. 

[+ DrownedBoy]

13 hours ago, ThroatCummer said:

I'm kinda shocked that FYC actually recorded another song. LOL. 

Yeah. I'm used to that single song that Murphy always played in the morning.  Let's see who gets this reference. 

[Whippoorwill]

Back on the original topic, in a review of the book An Honest Woman, a Memoir of Love and Sex Work, by female sex worker Charlotte Shane, I noted the following quote:  "...suggesting that it’s possible to feel a type of love for a person with whom intimacy is, at its base, a financial transaction — even if you don’t fully understand the extent of those feelings yourself." (Alexis Burling, San Francisco Chronicle, August 11, 2024. 

This struck a note with me...I do love my boys and have occasions where there is some mutuality, at least. But it's a love circumscribed by the financial transaction. And that's OK. I think part of the confusion is that we are limited in English to one word, love. The French, and a number of other cultures, have a greater selection of words to describe different kinds of love. 

[SamRockdale]

On 6/14/2024 at 8:35 PM, JamesB said:

I don't feel comfortable sharing specific details of this relationship, but I’ll give some examples to illustrate the situation. The manipulation started with comments like “I don’t think of you as a client anymore,” “I have very strong feelings for you,” “I only feel safe when I'm with you.”.... And so on.

Regarding the money, every time I hired him, which sometimes was multiple times a week, he was paid his standard rate plus a generous tip. He also spent time with me off the clock, during which we would go out to eat, prepare meals at home, enjoy drinks, and have long conversations. Then the “extra” money requests began. It started with statements like, “It’s been a really slow month, and I'm really worried about my rent.” After injuring his shoulder, he needed help with the deductible, and because it was difficult for him to work, he required assistance with his monthly expenses. Every month, there was a new reason for needing extra money and every time the amounts were higher. When I finally started cutting back on the money, he began mistreating me. The first time I refused a money request for a trip to see his mom, he went ballistic, stormed out of my house, and shouted all kinds of insults that I prefer not to remember. And that, folks, is all she wrote.

I remember my mother telling me that the problem with helping people is that the first time you do it, you generate gratitude. Then you create anticipation and expectation, which turns into entitlement and dependency. Finally, when you stop helping, you receive hatred and resentment. This situation perfectly illustrated her point.

I'm sorry to hear that  You didn't deserve that mistreatment.

[SamRockdale]

On 8/12/2024 at 4:36 PM, Whippoorwill said:

Back on the original topic, in a review of the book An Honest Woman, a Memoir of Love and Sex Work, by female sex worker Charlotte Shane, I noted the following quote:  "...suggesting that it’s possible to feel a type of love for a person with whom intimacy is, at its base, a financial transaction — even if you don’t fully understand the extent of those feelings yourself." (Alexis Burling, San Francisco Chronicle, August 11, 2024. 

This struck a note with me...I do love my boys and have occasions where there is some mutuality, at least. But it's a love circumscribed by the financial transaction. And that's OK. I think part of the confusion is that we are limited in English to one word, love. The French, and a number of other cultures, have a greater selection of words to describe different kinds of love. 

I agree. It's hard to put to words but humans are capable of many forms of love and care. A transaction doesn't negate that, as all human love exists within a web of compounding complexities. 

[+ PhileasFogg]

I know I'm late to this discussion, but I think an interjection of context might matter.   

"Falling for" is a broad term.   

Context might be appropriate based on Sternberg's Triangular Theory:

 

I suspect that "falling for" in this context starts with infatuation and might evolve to "liking" but rarely evolves to "commitment?"

 

[+ DrownedBoy]

7 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

I suspect that "falling for" in this context starts with infatuation and might evolve to "liking" but rarely evolves to "commitment?"

I also suspect that transactional sex doesn't fit in that triangle, unless there's another point besides "passion." I'm afraid transactional sex doesn't cover "liking" in that sense.

The Greeks had several words for love too. The operative word here is "eros," or entirely erotic. Not agape or philia.

[liubit]

23 hours ago, SamRockdale said:

I remember my mother telling me that the problem with helping people is that the first time you do it, you generate gratitude. Then you create anticipation and expectation, which turns into entitlement and dependency. Finally, when you stop helping, you receive hatred and resentment.

Excellent. 👏👏

[Aceface]

I think the best solution before hiring escorts is being in a relationship. I know it sounds counterintuitive but it’s keeps the feelings at bay. You know you are with the escort for only one thing. 

[LaffingBear]

Yes...kinda, sorta.  Long long ago.

One time was a guy who turned out to be a nut job.  Wildest experience of all my encounters.  All details would make for a multi-page post.  After many hiccups in arrivals at my hotel (i was traveling) , turned out to be one of the best times ever.  One hour hire. Spent 10-12 hours.  Said I reminded him of a teenage crush.  Declined his fee.  Wanted to visit me at home.  I drove him home on my way to the airport for departure.   He started crying, eventually bolted from the car and ran off, never heard from again.  But for maybe 4-6 hours, he'd gotten past all of my common sense defenses.  The experience put me off-balance for a bit.

The other was a young guy who somehow triggered my daddy feelings.  The lust was there, and a sort of desire to provide for him.  But, not anything in terms of warm & fuzzy affection.   No cupids arrow.  I got over it after a few more visits.

They were good learning experiences.   

[Callas]

Feelings are hard to control. If i start to have feelings, should i stop seeing him before it breaks my heart?

[+ ApexNomad]

6 hours ago, Callas said:

Feelings are hard to control. If i start to have feelings, should i stop seeing him before it breaks my heart?

In the context of a paid escort, the dynamics are inherently transactional, which makes the emotional landscape very different. While it’s natural for feelings to develop over time, it’s important to recognize that the other person may not be emotionally available in the same way.

If you’re starting to feel more emotionally invested, it’s crucial to set boundaries for yourself. I would probably ask myself: Can this relationship realistically provide what I need emotionally? If you took the money out of the equation, would the connection still exist?

If the answer is no, it might be wise to stop seeing them before it becomes too painful. Remember, your well-being is the priority, and it’s okay to protect your heart.

If the answer is yes, then have that conversation with the provider. But know that the feelings may not be reciprocated, and that could end the professional relationship right there.

[+ sync]

22 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

In the context of a paid escort, the dynamics are inherently transactional, which makes the emotional landscape very different. While it’s natural for feelings to develop over time, it’s important to recognize that the other person may not be emotionally available in the same way.

If you’re starting to feel more emotionally invested, it’s crucial to set boundaries for yourself. I would probably ask myself: Can this relationship realistically provide what I need emotionally? If you took the money out of the equation, would the connection still exist?

If the answer is no, it might be wise to stop seeing them before it becomes too painful. Remember, your well-being is the priority, and it’s okay to protect your heart.

If the answer is yes, then have that conversation with the provider. But know that the feelings may not be reciprocated, and that could end the professional relationship right there.

I had that experience, and, as mentioned in your post, I realized the downside.  I phoned the provider and acknowledged my feelings and made it known that I understood that I could not/should not expect a return of those feelings.  With that understanding, I told him that I was going to stop seeing him for a while to collect myself.  After a time, I resumed our "business" relationship until he relocated.  He was my first hire, and the one I shall always fondly remember.

[+ ApexNomad]

Yes, twice.

First, I sought the services of a provider after my college boyfriend committed suicide. I lost my virginity to this provider. He knew it was my first time but didn’t know the story about my boyfriend. I can’t overstate how amazing this man was and the gift he gave me. Of course, I “fell in love” with him, thinking this older man was the solution to all my problems. I wanted to see him again, but he had the wherewithal and wisdom to say no. Instead, he gave me the greatest thing he could have ever given me—his friendship. Not just as an acquaintance, but a real, true friendship. This man helped me in ways I can’t describe, taught me things, and truly cared for me. He was right.

The second time was with a provider who quickly became a regular. It started as a comedy of errors—wrong hotel, giggles during sex, missed cues, shared laughs, and unexpected common interests. From the moment he walked in, this man made me feel at ease in seconds. He was insanely charming, funny, kind, and smart. Our sessions always went over—2 hours turned into several, several turned into overnights. He always looked uncomfortable taking my money. I’d leave it in an envelope on the stand, and he’d leave without taking it. I’d run out to hand it to him. Many times, he denied his fee, which left me feeling at odds and completely confused. When he refused his fee, I insisted it was his tip. I never had this problem before and wasn’t sure how to handle it.

One day, almost a year in and countless, deep conversations and personal stories later, he asked if I wanted to see a movie or have dinner if I wasn’t busy. I looked at him stunned. When I didn’t respond, he rattled off in his very funny, yet serious way other alternatives if I didn’t want to do that, like go on a museum tour, hop on the Staten Island Ferry and view the Statue of Liberty, or get a caricature drawing in Central Park. I laughed. I should have taken that opening to really understand what this was, but when he then said, “Let’s go, it’ll be fun. We’ll go as friends,” I thought, okay, friends. I said yes.

We ended up doing the caricature drawing in Central Park, followed by dinner. We went back to his apartment. We had sex, and when I say it was different, it was so different. When it was over, he looked at me. My heart was pounding. I knew in that moment I was in love with this man, but I didn’t say it out loud. I couldn’t speak. He didn’t say anything either. He just rested his forehead against mine, and we held each other in silence.

After that night, I made the fatal error once more of not speaking to him and asking what this was and expressing to him how I felt. Instead, I said my firm was having a summer retreat, and I’d like to bring him as my plus one. And that I’d pay him. He said I didn’t have to pay him, but I insisted. He agreed.

We went. It was the usual, obnoxious affair. Everyone was more interested in him than anything else. He was amazing. Charming as fuck. We separated a few times. I got pulled into different directions. He kept his eyes glued to me the entire time. I walked back up to him and said something I wish I could take back. I realized it the moment the words came out of my mouth. I said, “You fit right in. I knew you would. A lot of money to be made here. See anyone that catches your eye?”

He turned and looked at me like I punched him in the face. He was silent for a long time. He said, “Yeah, a few.”

When we got back to the hotel, I immediately apologized and said I never meant to hurt him. He was a proud man, deeply proud—his family had instilled that in him. His pride wasn’t just about self-respect—it was about being someone you could count on, someone who stood tall. I had wounded that pride, and I could see it in the way he held himself in that moment. I insulted him. And I hurt him. 

He said for someone so smart, I could be incredibly clueless. I apologized again. I told him I didn’t understand what was happening and didn’t want to lose this. He grabbed his bag, left the envelope I had given him on the bed, and right before he left, I’ll never forget it - he looked me in the eye and said: “I lied. There was one. Only one.”

Many lessons were drawn from that experience—about myself, my almost methodical business stance on these transactions.

[LookingAround]

"Anybody else fall for the men they hire?"

Not since lunch. 😂

[ICTJOCK]

As a provider,  I'm certainly aware that several of my regular clients  have some degree of emotional attachment.    I'm a professional person by nature  (and via regular career),  so it can be an interesting "tightrope"  to walk to do a job,  be balanced and logical and provide a very personal service.    Think about it,   it really is a contrast and to navagate it appropriately can require talent.   I am not into drama,  I'm there to provide a positive service that means something to the recipient.

[dutchal]

Dang, Apex, that's so sad.  Reading your story, I hear the sound of two hearts breaking at the same time.

[FaustOust]

11 hours ago, ICTJOCK said:

As a provider,  I'm certainly aware that several of my regular clients  have some degree of emotional attachment. 

I’m curious: if you are aware that these clients have developed an emotional attachment to you, but yet you continue to see them knowing that they have fallen for you while you engage in an interesting “tightrope,” isn’t that tightrope really just manipulation and you taking advantage of their emotional connection to you for continued profit?   At this point, you’re in it for business, but they’re in it for love, and you are aware of the dynamic, knowingly risking their heartbreak while they are under the delusional hope that you might love them in return.

 

[+ PhileasFogg]

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love gives a good reference point

I’d suspect that “falling for” in this case is infatuation and nowhere near consummate love.  It’s hard for me to think that commitment can truly exist in a transactional interaction.   It’s also my sense that very few providers are comfortable with emotional transparency out of a sense of caution  

of course, if it is consummate love, I think it would be mutual and the transactional relationship would cease as it became mutual and requited 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2024 by PhileasFogg

[+ Jamie21]

I can think of a couple of my clients who, if I gave a green light to, would push it further and seek a non financial relationship. I’m careful to keep a professional distance with them, which is indeed a tightrope because of the service. For example I include kissing, it gets very passionate, intimate. They think ‘he doesn’t do this with others, only me’. It’s very easy for someone who might be vulnerable and open to a relationship to think one is available. I’ve had a client tell me he loved me, and I didn’t see that coming. Total shock.

My advice to clients; don’t mistake a professionals skill for something else. If you start to fall for him, step away. If you can’t, be prepared for disappointment. If the provider initiates a relationship outside of the professional then you can go for it. 

Edited December 12, 2024 by Jamie21

[SirBillybob]

51 minutes ago, Jamie21 said:

… had a client tell me he loved me, and I didn’t see that coming. Total shock.

So no HE?

[+ Jamie21]

32 minutes ago, SirBillybob said:

So no HE?

Was after the HE. Probably the way I licked the cum up from his navel to his chest and then looked into his eyes as I lifted my head. Too erotic. 

[SirBillybob]

48 minutes ago, Jamie21 said:

Was after the HE. Probably the way I licked the cum up from his navel to his chest and then looked into his eyes as I lifted my head. Too erotic. 

Oh those towel service no-shows inn’t.

[+ nycman]

3 hours ago, Jamie21 said:

If the provider initiates a relationship outside of the professional then you can go for it

And said provider should be prepared for disappoint as well. Some clients are very good at faking it too….grin

[ICTJOCK]

8 hours ago, FaustOust said:

I’m curious: if you are aware that these clients have developed an emotional attachment to you, but yet you continue to see them knowing that they have fallen for you while you engage in an interesting “tightrope,” isn’t that tightrope really just manipulation and you taking advantage of their emotional connection to you for continued profit?   At this point, you’re in it for business, but they’re in it for love, and you are aware of the dynamic, knowingly risking their heartbreak while they are under the delusional hope that you might love them in return.

 

Dude,  don't overstate the situation.    I never said they had  "fallen" for me in any way.    A degree of emotional attachment isn't "falling for someone".   They are regular clients and I remind them of the relationship.    I don't manipulate them,   I'm straight forward.    One of the recently asked me  "if it was appropriate for them to give me a small gift for Christmas".   My response was a tip was plenty.     Be upfront and straightforward,   not a manipulator.