Closeted guys

[caramelsub]

I’ve had maybe one or two people directly ask me if I’m gay in a social setting. But they were straight, and intentionally trying to be rude and homophobic.
I’ve had managers from work and coworkers ask me if I have a girlfriend or if I’m married, on many different occasions. Personal life questions do come up often, and you just have to know how to answer them. It’s something that gives me social anxiety.

Edited December 29, 2023 by caramelsub

[+ newatthis]

5 hours ago, newatthis said:

One has to wonder why someone would ask such a question (in general; obviously there are specific circumstances or conversations where it might be appropriate).  

 

11 minutes ago, caramelsub said:

...I’ve had managers from work and coworkers ask me if I have a girlfriend or if I’m married, on many different occasions. Personal life questions do come up often, and you just have to know how to answer them. It’s something that gives me social anxiety.

When I "wondered" above, I had forgotten the most obvious way this happens...someone asking if you're married or have a girlfriend, which is not uncommon in social situations.  I still find that an intrusive question, but less objectionable than "are you gay?".

[pubic_assistance]

24 minutes ago, newatthis said:

I still find that an intrusive question, but less objectionable than "are you gay?".

I've never once had anyone ask me that question. Even when I WAS single and mostly sleeping with men. I can't imagine what circumstances would precede this sentence.

[Guest]

Me either. I could understand it if being propositioned, but absolutely never in a professional setting or as casual conversation in a social setting.

[soloyo215]

10 hours ago, Km411 said:

Hypocrisy is altogether different; there’s definitely a difference between being closeted and being an asshole.

100% agree. You can find assholes both in and of the closet, though.

[CuriousByNature]

It might sound weird given my age, but I'm not 100% sure where I fall on the identity spectrum, which I do believe is a spectrum that can fluctuate.  People have asked me if I'm married or have kids, or if I'm dating.  Those questions have never bothered me and never flustered me.  What has annoyed me was when the follow up question would be, "Why not?"  That's more than anyone needs to know, whether they are speaking to someone who's straight, gay, bisexual, asexual or undetermined.

Edited December 30, 2023 by CuriousByNature

[+ The Big Guy]

As I think back, a couple of times I was asked this question because they had a gay friend they wanted to fix me up with.   I did find that annoying.  

[soloyo215]

8 hours ago, CuriousByNature said:

It might sound weird given my age, but I'm not 100% sure where I fall on the identity spectrum, which I do believe is a spectrum that can fluctuate.  People have asked me if I'm married or have kids, or if I'm dating.  Those questions have never bothered me and never flustered me.  What has annoyed me was when the follow up question would be, "Why not?"  That's more than anyone needs to know, whether they are speaking to someone who's straight, gay, bisexual, asexual or undetermined.

 

There always going to be people who get into your personal business. Relatives of mine still ask me the question, and depending on my mood or who they are, my answer fluctuated, from "...so I have a marriage like yours, or my parents' or my siblings? No, thank you", to "...none of your mother fucking business".

Now that I am legally married to a man, they stopped asking, and they don't acknowledge my husband. So in my experience, their questions have never come out of real concern for my well being; it's been about the cheap thrill of putting me in what they seem to think is some kind of awkwardness.

Today, with people continuously making shit up, and creating made-up, overlapping, and sometimes downright ridiculous sexual orientations, things seem to become easier to give answers that have people leaving them alone, or to cover up their own sense of sexual inadequacy.

[+ Charlie]

On 12/29/2023 at 6:02 AM, newatthis said:

One has to wonder why someone would ask such a question (in general; obviously there are specific circumstances or conversations where it might be appropriate).  

When I was 17, back in the Dark Ages, I was cruised by a young man in the men's room of the  Port Authority bus terminal in mid-town Manhattan.  Curious, I followed him outside, where he introduced himself with a slight accent as "Michel." He smiled and asked, "Are you gay?" I was familiar with that adjective, meaning "light-spirited and enthusiastic," and since his name suggested he might not normally be an English-speaker, I figured it must be his awkward way of asking if I were interested in accompanying him. When I said, "Yes," he smiled and invited me back to his rented room nearby. When we arrived, he took off his clothes, so I did the same. To my surprise, he then kissed me passionately, threw me on his bed, and started preparing to fuck me. Shocked, I said, "Wait! What are you doing?" Giving me a puzzled look, he said, "But you said you were gay?!" I replied, "I thought you were asking if I were happy to meet you!" That's when he realized that he had picked up a complete neophyte, and he had to stop and calmly explain what "gay" meant to someone cruising in New York. He then proceeded to teach me everything that gay males did together. I was a willing pupil.

Edited December 30, 2023 by Charlie

[+ newatthis]

6 hours ago, Charlie said:

When I was 17, back in the Dark Ages, I was cruised by a young man in the men's room of the  Port Authority bus terminal in mid-town Manhattan.  Curious, I followed him outside, where he introduced himself with a slight accent as "Michel." He smiled and asked, "Are you gay?" I was familiar with that adjective, meaning "light-spirited and enthusiastic," and since his name suggested he might not normally be an English-speaker, I figured it must be his awkward way of asking if I were interested in accompanying him. When I said, "Yes," he smiled and invited me back to his rented room nearby. When we arrived, he took off his clothes, so I did the same. To my surprise, he then kissed me passionately, threw me on his bed, and started preparing to fuck me. Shocked, I said, "Wait! What are you doing?" Giving me a puzzled look, he said, "But you said you were gay?!" I replied, "I thought you were asking if I were happy to meet you!" That's when he realized that he had picked up a complete neophyte, and he had to stop and calmly explain what "gay" meant to someone cruising in New York. He then proceeded to teach me everything that gay males did together. I was a willing pupil.

This is called an origin story I think....

[Guest]

“Origin Story” might make for a great thread.

[+ sniper]

On 12/29/2023 at 3:04 PM, pubic_assistance said:

I've never once had anyone ask me that question. Even when I WAS single and mostly sleeping with men. I can't imagine what circumstances would precede this sentence.

Do you always/usually wear your wedding ring? Because you might be pre-empting the question. We're just about the same age and same geographic region and I've gotten it quite a lot, not generally at work though. I don't THINK I'm such a catch that people are looking to hook me up, but maybe I am...

I avoid asking the question myself though.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

At the age of 40, I moved across country alone.  Being alone meant I had to confront the reality that I was gay. It wa either make a gay friends or be stone cold alone. Growing up in church,  I had been in denial,  despite secretly hooking up with guys since I was 32. For the last 5 years, I have had a partner,  with whom I moved in about 2 years ago.  I have told 3 people from my previous life. Most people in my new life do not know either. I feel like once I two someone,  it will leak into other parts of my life. 

My reasons for staying in the closet are my own.  First of all, because of my upbringing,  it is traumatic to come out. When I told one of my best friends of over 24 years,  I cried.  I knew she would be supportive,  but I cried.  Secondly,  it feels intensely personal.  To say you are gay is to identify as a sexual person and to bring your sex life into a conversation,  something that is against my generally shy, private nature. Thirdly,  I know there are people in my life who would be disappointed. All of my closest friends would not care,  except for one who harbors feelings for me and would be confused.  But I know there are people who respect me who would be disappointed (people from my various religious pasts). I have a very hard time disappointing people.  Fourthly, my partner is quite a bit older and doesn't discuss his sexuality with his family,  although they all know.  So, I have never met his family.  I feel like if my friends and family met him,  they may not support my choice. Since he is uncomfortable meeting my family, and I have never met his,  it works out.  Lastly, if my brother's ex-wife found out and told her wicked mother,  I worry she would try to make it difficult to see my nephew.

It is hard at times to stay closeted because you can't always fully explain your actions,  like why I don't like to see friends on Saturdays, which is usually when I spend time with my partner. My family can't understand why I don't move back home.  Truthfully,  I am dying to; I miss my family too much and miss my old life.  But I don't want to leave my partner. This is particularly hard because the industry I moved away to join,  frankly,  is miserable. 

Whether we are gay, bi, out, closeted,  in denial,  in denial and making bad decisions, I feel like we need to be kind and compassionate.  We are on this difficult journey of trying to live the life our bodies dictate, which has historically not been easy, and some people are on different stages of that journey. When I see people speaking publically against gays and then hear they are actually gay, I feel compassion for their miserable life and the regrets they will have to live with.