Discrepancy of income between friends…

[+ 7829V]

Now that I’m taking a break from masseurs, I’m hanging out more often with my friends. More theater, travel, concerts, etc. But I realized the discrepancy in income between some of my friends and I.

For them $400-600, is an expense that they need to cancel or really plan in advance due to their budget restrictions. 😔

Last weekend I went by myself to see a musical because they couldn’t afford the tickets. I offered to pay for it to one of them. But they gracefully declined and thanked for the gesture. 

Also l went to a concert and I invited a friend he said no because money issues… but I already had 2 tickets, so he went with me. We had an awesome time.

How do you guys handle these situations? 

Later next month I’m going to travel with a friend. He’s very excited, his first time in that country  I’ve been many times,  I know that he’s short on money  I bought the plane tickets and told him they costed less than what I actually paid. I’m in a fortunate position that those expenses are irrelevant… But I understand their position too , I don’t want new friends with more money. I like my current friends, Ive known them for years  

I know some of them can afford more expensive things, but they are the minority.. and I want to hang out with all of them  ☹️

 

 

[mike carey]

@7829V I hit 'like' but that's not sufficient. It's a dilemma, do you pay, or offer to pay for a friend? It can appear condescending, but we all have different expense thresholds. Are you insulting a friend by offering to pay? Are they happy with accepting what they can pay for from their own resources and resent you offering to pay for what they cannot or choose not to pay for?

I think what you did, saying you have a second ticket that you can't otherwise use, and asking your friend if he wants to accompany you is a good approach, but not one you can use too often. If you keep having 'spare' tickets that could appear odd.

I have offered an escort an airline lounge pass I couldn't use but he didn't take me up on the offer. I don't know why, in fact I don't even know if he has access himself so it had no value to him, but I haven't pressed the issue.

[+ Charlie]

I am dealing with the same conundrum at this time, but for a somewhat different reason. I have a woman friend who has been my regular tennis partner for a number of years. She has never had much money, but when I met her she had what many people would consider a glamorous lifestyle. She lived on the weekends with a sexy husband in Palm Springs, who had his own glamorous but not financially sound career (race car photographer). During the week she lived in San Francisco, where she owned a small public relations business. She had to close the business, because now she lives fulltime in PS with same husband, who has become a semi-invalid and is almost completely dependent on her, and pretty grouchy about it.

She used to be very social, involved in all sorts of community activities, but I have noticed lately that she has become unusually quiet and probably depressed. I was particularly aware of that yesterday, when we were playing with a couple of friends of ours, each of whom was talking about their recent frequent travels, and the simultaneous major remodeling of their homes. She and her husband lost their house during the Great Recession, and they now live in a rental. I don't know what their income is, but I suspect it is small and not altogether dependable.

She drives a 1998 Honda, and she became almost hysterical a few months ago when she was having car trouble, so I offered to loan her $1000 to deal with it; she accepted it gratefully, and she still hasn't paid me back. When she is ready to do so, I am considering telling her to use the money instead to indulge in something like a weekend at a resort to restore her spirits, but I wonder if she would consider that condescending. She has always been fiercely proud of her ability to take care of herself and others, and I don't want to add offense to injury.

[+ FrankR]

4 hours ago, Charlie said:

I am dealing with the same conundrum at this time, but for a somewhat different reason. I have a woman friend who has been my regular tennis partner for a number of years. She has never had much money, but when I met her she had what many people would consider a glamorous lifestyle. She lived on the weekends with a sexy husband in Palm Springs, who had his own glamorous but not financially sound career (race car photographer). During the week she lived in San Francisco, where she owned a small public relations business. She had to close the business, because now she lives fulltime in PS with same husband, who has become a semi-invalid and is almost completely dependent on her, and pretty grouchy about it.

She used to be very social, involved in all sorts of community activities, but I have noticed lately that she has become unusually quiet and probably depressed. I was particularly aware of that yesterday, when we were playing with a couple of friends of ours, each of whom was talking about their recent frequent travels, and the simultaneous major remodeling of their homes. She and her husband lost their house during the Great Recession, and they now live in a rental. I don't know what their income is, but I suspect it is small and not altogether dependable.

She drives a 1998 Honda, and she became almost hysterical a few months ago when she was having car trouble, so I offered to loan her $1000 to deal with it; she accepted it gratefully, and she still hasn't paid me back. When she is ready to do so, I am considering telling her to use the money instead to indulge in something like a weekend at a resort to restore her spirits, but I wonder if she would consider that condescending. She has always been fiercely proud of her ability to take care of herself and others, and I don't want to add offense to injury.

You are a good friend for helping a friend in need. I would take the same approach of suggesting that she keeps the money, if she tries to pay you back. Would not suggest she use it to spluge but rather that she keeps it in reserve for the next inevitable emergency…it happens to all of us and knowing she has it ready to break her fall will likely go a long way to help her restore her spirits, unlike a weekend trip which will be long forgotten by the time the next emergency shows up. My 2c. 

Edited October 6, 2022 by FrankR

[Luv2play]

This occured to me at a much earlier stage in my life. I came from an upper middle class family and my parents were able to send me and my brothers and sister to private schools, the best universities and other luxuries.As a consequence I rubbed shoulders with young people from vastly wealthier  families. On graduation from grad school we all went our own ways but the kids whose familes had fortunes, trust funds and often family firms to be employed in, could enjoy life styles that I had to earn on my own.

I wasn't driven by money though and so was happy to pursue a career that was fulfilling but didn't lead to a vast fortune. I encounter some of these people the odd time like at a school reunion but that is it. We live in different spheres.

Edited October 6, 2022 by Luv2play

[+ Coolwave35]

I love this topic, thanks for starting the thread. I have 8 friends that I’ve had since long before I got rich. They’re mostly from high school and 2 are from college. I know they like me for me as we’ve been close since long before I’ve had money. Life has been different to all of us and I now find myself with far more resources than those close friends. I’m happy to be generous with them and regularly pay for travel and experiences that I want to enjoy with them but know they can’t afford. In the beginning it was tough and I didn’t know how to give without coming off condescending.  Some of them had some insecurities around receiving gifts. We talked it out, plainly and clearly. I said that I’m happy to foot the bill for experiences because their company was important to me and I’d have a better time if they were there. It was a process to give with a full heart and it was a process to accept the gifts as well. It’s challenging and I think this is common for a lot of people. 
 

Now, the friends I made after I got money, I feel very different about. I can’t always shake the suspicion that there is motive, even when the evidence says that there isn’t. It’s an awful way to be in relationship but I can’t figure out a way around it. I’m excitedly awaiting more comments. 

Edited October 6, 2022 by Coolwave35

[samhexum]

My sister knew that when her father in law died he'd leave them a decent amount, but it turned out to be more.  I've never asked details, but I know they will never have to eat store brand mac and cheese to survive.

I worked as little as possible all of my life, and I have little money.  I'm having major dental problems right now, and they agreed to pay for part of it (and have helped me out with 2 lesser expenses this year), but now another dental expense has come up, with 2 possible solutions that vary wildly in cost.

It's not a fun position to be in, and my sister wants to talk to the dentist about the situation (he volunteered to talk to her).  Ironically, my brother in law (who is possibly the best brother in law in the world) seems to be more open to offering more assistance than she is. 

I don't blame her.  Enough is enough, but fortunately I have no pride left, so if they offer to pay, I'll accept.

And, yes, I DO know how lucky I am to be having this 'problem.'

[+ keroscenefire]

 

I have been on both sides of this. I was very broke for most of my 20s and definitely had friends help pay for things like expensive celebration dinners and whatnot. One of them for a friend's bachelor party that had a $500 per person dinner that I definitely could not afford at the time. He told me simply that he appreciated all the talks we had when he was first dating his now wife and he wanted me at the dinner whether I could afford it or not. I definitely appreciated it.

Now that I am slightly more comfortable (though still not rich by any means), I try to repay the favor. Because I came out kind of late in life, I have some younger gay friends (like late 20s, early 30s) that I met as I was just exploring gay bars, drag shows, etc. I really value their company and have definitely bought them tickets to concerts that we would both like. Sometimes they are hesitant to accept but I tell them I want to go with someone who would appreciate the shared experience and they gracefully accept the tickets.

I think of it as repaying for the times I was the one accepting the gifts. 

Edited October 7, 2022 by keroscenefire

[+ WilliamM]

@samhexum

Why did you work as little as possible?

Especially when you probably had Summer 😂 off during college?

[samhexum]

17 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

Why did you work as little as possible?

Especially when you probably had Summer 😂 off during college?

I started college 2 weeks after I turned 17, and was one of the oldest kids in our group, so the neighborhood didn't change much when a couple of us started college, and things just continued on as they had before.  So my first couple of summers during college were spent like a typical high school student's last 2 years-- at the pool club during the day and hanging out with 30-50 kids on the block at night. I had a part time job my last 2 years.

And I've always been lazy and unmotivated.  I worked enough to get by, but not much more, and never had a long-term job with benefits.

Edited October 8, 2022 by samhexum
for shits and giggles

[+ WilliamM]

2 minutes ago, samhexum said:

I started college 10 days after I turned 17, and was one of the oldest kids in our group, so my first couple of summers during college were spent like a typical high school student's last 2 years-- at the pool club during the day and hanging out with 30-50 kids on the block at night. I had a part time job my last 2 years.

And I've always been lazy and unmotivated.  I worked enough to get by, but not much more, and never had a long-term job with benefits.

My Scottish mother made sure my brother and I always had jobs during the Summers and, often during the school year.

[samhexum]

8 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

My Scottish mother made sure my brother and I always had jobs during the Summers and, often during the school year.

So... I'm confused...  your Scottish mother made sure you & your brother always had jobs...

How many different mothers did you have and how many different nationalities did they represent? 

[Bucky]

On 10/6/2022 at 6:41 PM, samhexum said:

I worked as little as possible all of my life, and I have little money....

....but fortunately I have no pride left, so if they offer to pay, I'll accept.

Otherwise known as the inevitable consequence of socialism.  

[LookingAround]

So much drama over this. 
 

I just pay for them. They accept and go along. No discussion. End of story. 
And I don’t consider myself or call myself rich by the way. 

[+ ThroatCummer]

On 10/6/2022 at 7:32 PM, Coolwave35 said:

I love this topic, thanks for starting the thread. I have 8 friends that I’ve had since long before I got rich. They’re mostly from high school and 2 are from college. I know they like me for me as we’ve been close since long before I’ve had money. Life has been different to all of us and I now find myself with far more resources than those close friends. I’m happy to be generous with them and regularly pay for travel and experiences that I want to enjoy with them but know they can’t afford. In the beginning it was tough and I didn’t know how to give without coming off condescending.  Some of them had some insecurities around receiving gifts. We talked it out, plainly and clearly. I said that I’m happy to foot the bill for experiences because their company was important to me and I’d have a better time if they were there. It was a process to give with a full heart and it was a process to accept the gifts as well. It’s challenging and I think this is common for a lot of people. 
 

Now, the friends I made after I got money, I feel very different about. I can’t always shake the suspicion that there is motive, even when the evidence says that there isn’t. It’s an awful way to be in relationship but I can’t figure out a way around it. I’m excitedly awaiting more comments. 

^^^^ everything this guy says. He completely nailed it. 

I grew up with hardly any money at all and was able to form a solid group of close friends in my 20s and early-30s. These were times when money was an equal challenge for everyone. None of us were "rich" by any definition of that term. Those times when you put $10 of gas in your car (that's about to shit the bed), because that's all you have. 

About ten years ago, I founded a company and built a small empire of my own. I'm still shocked it worked even as I type this right now. Fast forward to 2022: We have offices in many locations across the USA and do business in two dozen states. 

My core group of friends has always been there for me through the thick and thin. Long before the success, they stood by me through epic business failures that caused me to drink myself into a stupor and not leave my house or shower for a week at a time. They're the best group of solid people I have ever met, and they really love me for me, every fault included. And vice versa. 

Now I am in the position to repay the favors. Just like @Coolwave35 said, I have talked it out clearly with them on multiple occasions. They know that being able to share an amazing vacation is what brings me joy. In fact, I took all seven of them to Antarctica a couple years back on a 14-day expedition. Occasionally an insecurity will pop up with one of them about being on the receiving end. But that's when I remind them they're the ones who opened their home and hearts to me when I was in the darkest of places. That was priceless to me at the time. 

To this day, I still have my Finance and HR departments let me login and press the "Submit Payroll" button every Wednesday afternoon. It's the single most rewarding minute of my life every two weeks. I am just the type who thoroughly enjoys doing for others and help building people up. 

As for @Coolwave35's last point, post-money friends and relationships are fucking hard to make and manage. A handful of times when I thought someone else had the truest of intentions, I got myself and my company sued because they just saw a payday. It's why I hire escorts today -- I will never have sex with anyone who knows me in my current capacity because as good as it could be, I don't want to be on the fucking news or get extorted. Yea, sure, it's a 1% problem. But at the same time, it isn't any less or more difficult than many other normal problems.

So here we are.  Good thread. 

Edited October 8, 2022 by ThroatCummer

[+ Topseed]

And for a different spin:

I was fortunate to work in an industry during the 1990's that was prone to overpaying its participants. In short, I was at the right place at the right time and, when it became clear that the gravy train was ending, I retired very early by conventional standards in my late 40's.

Fast forward two decades.

A very close (and much younger) friend has been in my life for the past decade. It was clear from the start that he prized time with his family and our travel over generating income. He and I have traveled frequently (and yes, we have a sexual relationship), and all on my dime. Now that he is in his early 50's, he now realizes that he is very much living hand to mouth. He occasionally asks for a "loan", though I have no expectation of repayment.

I find myself wondering if my earlier generosity on funding our travel was misguided. Have I "enabled" him to coast through the past decade? And what next? My crystal ball for his next 5, 7, or 10 years is murky, as he has no clear path to regular monthly income.

I'm wondering if I should cut the cord on funding his travel with me so that he faces his economic reality and (here's hoping) does something constructive about it. Or do I rely on him to figure out his own life choices? I care a great deal about my friend and want him happy.

[samhexum]

54 minutes ago, Topseed said:

I'm wondering if I should cut the cord on funding his travel with me so that he faces his economic reality and (here's hoping) does something constructive about it. Or do I rely on him to figure out his own life choices? I care a great deal about my friend and want him happy.

Maybe cut the cord, but set up an account where you put what you would have spent on him (without telling him) so that you can offer the money to him as a 'rainy day fund' if he needs it in the future and you feel like helping him out.

[Luv2play]

9 hours ago, WilliamM said:

My Scottish mother made sure my brother and I always had jobs during the Summers and, often during the school year.

My mother's father was Scottisn born and she also insisted I work summer jobs when I was old enough, meaning 17. She only relented the year I went hitch-hiking in Europe during the summer before my senior year at university. I had saved enough money to finance the trip myself, including through a chain letter which yielded hundreds of dollars in my third year at university.

Edited October 8, 2022 by Luv2play

[+ purplekow]

Financial discrepancies in a friendship is not any different than any other inequality.  Friends figure out how to make it work.  

My younger friends  will bear with my lack of physical prowess.  My thin friends will accommodate my latest weight loss plan when inviting me for dinner.  I similarly will figure out a reasonable vegan meal though I am a carnivore for the most part.  

Monetary inequity does raise many issues, but as others have said here, honest conversation and a willingness to avoid having pride interfere as an issue, will allow most to work around this.   If I had a friend willing to take me on a 14 day trip to Antarctica, I would gladly go, but the first round or Iceberg Martinis would be on me and I would be sure to have a meaningful gift, not necessarily expensive gift, for them after our return.  Thanks do not need to be given in kind, but they do need to be given in kindness.  

As to those with so much money that they worry that their friends are using them, I say:  Get the fuck over yourself.  My life is plenty rich without your money and if you do not know your friends well enough to know that about them, perhaps you are not really their friend.  

I would also suggest to those who have exceptional financial means, do not pay for everything.  If a friend offers to get a meal, let them.  Do so without a word except thank you.                       R E S P E C T find out what is means to me

Edited October 9, 2022 by purplekow

[samhexum]

2 minutes ago, purplekow said:

1 hour ago, Luv2play said:

 

I always have trouble following these long, wordy, verbose posts.

😇😁😊

[MathGeek]

Although I am not wealthy, I'm more "comfortable" that some of my friends.  I have paid for a friend to go on trips, to concerts, to sporting events, etc. just because I enjoy his company.  We've been doing things together for 30 years. (for what it's worth, there is no sexual relationship, although I would mind if there were).  He often does things for me, both large & small, that he can do (such as painting my living room)

[TylerInTexas]

I have (had!) a friend of 30+ years alienate me after he inherited millions of $$. And I wasn’t the only one alienated. 
Somehow we were good enough anymore. Sad.

[+ ThroatCummer]

3 hours ago, purplekow said:

If I had a friend willing to take me on a 14 day trip to Antarctica, I would gladly go, but the first round or Iceberg Martinis would be on me

What I really want to know is how you knew there were iceberg martinis. 🧐

Because there were. You bring a chunk of clear solid ice back and the bartender will cut it up and make drinks from it. For real. 😎

[+ purplekow]

3 hours ago, ThroatCummer said:

What I really want to know is how you knew there were iceberg martinis. 🧐

Because there were. You bring a chunk of clear solid ice back and the bartender will cut it up and make drinks from it. For real. 😎

Well in my imaginary trip to Antarctica with my imaginary benefactor/friend, I would naturally have invented the Iceberg Martini if it did not already exist.  I have no conscious knowledge that I have ever heard of an Iceberg Martini but my mind has a way of grabbing useless information, so perhaps I had.  I like my Iceberg Martini with a Titanic steak and then I crash.  

[Luv2play]

11 hours ago, samhexum said:

I always have trouble following these long, wordy, verbose posts.

😇😁😊

You need to have a little time on your hands to read most of my posts.

Lol