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Losing both Parents


menaughty
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Hello Everyone,

Y'all have no idea how many times have I tried to create this topic then erased it.

Almost 3 weeks ago I lost my mother to brain hemorrhage. I just turned 28. I lost my father when I was 6.

I never came out to anyone. Never even had the plan to come out to anyone. I was always scared of the idea to be alone but I always thought my mom is gonna be with me but now she is gone I have this void in my life and my I am so heartbroken i can't even explain in words. I do have elder siblings.

But the harsh truth is if I never come out I am never gonna marry, never gonna have children. I am scared i will be lonely. 

A little bit of my background: I come from Pakistani Muslim American family. I am a mixture of both introvert and extrovert. So there times where I enjoy my alone moments.

 

This forum has always given me valuable advice. Would love to hear from y'all.

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I don't believe in an afterlife.  You might.  Regardless, even though she's gone, talk to Mom every day.

Give yourself time to grieve, but soon tell her you're gay, say it as if she were right in front of you. 

Additionally, don't frame these conversations with caveats of, "I wish", such as "I wish I'd told you this before" "I wish we had more time".  Those things are true, but you already know them.  So, talk like she's right there.

You will not be lonely.  There are gay rock climbing groups, gay reading groups, gay larping groups, gay muslim groups.  Reach out.

Gay is a community, so sooner rather than later, make yourself at home. 

 

 

 

Edited by Rod Hagen
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Condolences to you, and thank you for sharing.  I would only say that it is important to give yourself time to move through your grief.  The process is different for everyone.  Try not to burden yourself with concerns about the future and possible loneliness - you have suffered a significant loss very recently and this will no doubt colour your current thoughts.  Let time bring some healing and then consider how you might wish to be involved in various groups or communities at your own desired level of comfort.  Take care of yourself.

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Please accept my condolences for your loss. You may wish to consider that being gay, you have an instant supportive community in most places. I don't know where you live, of course. If you live in a small town without much of a gay community, your life might end up a lot better if you move to a place with a place with such a community. Although being gay presents its challenges (especially in a place like Pakistan), it also brings a lot of benefits. Most gay men I know are very happy and have lots of friends and ample socializing experiences, hardly lonely. I went out with a Pakistani man for a few months, before I settled with my current partner. If you're new to this, perhaps some members can give you tips on meeting other gay men. Knowing where you live would help. 

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8 minutes ago, Unicorn said:

Please accept my condolences for your loss. You may wish to consider that being gay, you have an instant supportive community in most places. I don't know where you live, of course. If you live in a small town without much of a gay community, your life might end up a lot better if you move to a place with a place with such a community. Although being gay presents its challenges (especially in a place like Pakistan), it also brings a lot of benefits. Most gay men I know are very happy and have lots of friends and ample socializing experiences, hardly lonely. I went out with a Pakistani man for a few months, before I settled with my current partner. If you're new to this, perhaps some members can give you tips on meeting other gay men. Knowing where you live would help. 

@Unicorn, Not everyone wants to move to New York, California or Florida. Lordie 

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1 hour ago, WilliamM said:

...Not everyone wants to move to New York, California or Florida. Lordie 

My name's not Lordie...

ShitpostBot 5000

That being said, there are lots of LGBT groups in the Dallas area, where the OP should have no trouble meeting other men for socialization and support:

https://www.meetup.com/cities/us/tx/dallas/lgbtq/

https://www.lgbtoutdoors.com/?fbclid=IwAR23qgEPAXnmegK8BwQlCOm3rDhtJ7VaBmzjkx1XN4f1FR5gmzNYfclGaJk

 

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@menaughty, please accept my condolences over losing your mother.

You've received some solid advice and I'd like to add some of my own.  Dallas has an LGBT center called Resource Center. I hoped they had a coming out group, but it appears they don't have anything like that for men. They do have a community center and referrals to counselors, which might be worth pursuing. Also, there is a coming out group on Reddit you might find beneficial. 

Lastly, welcome to our forum! You always have us to lean on. Please feel free to ask for help like you have done here. That's what we are here for.

 

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Hello!  

Sadly, I can relate to losing both parents. My dad was in my late teens. Likewise, my mom had a brain bleed in my late 20s. She survived for another 12 years. It was rough seeing the gradual decline. Though it prepared me for the eventual loss.  

If you want some professional guidance on forming what you want to come next, I recommend reaching out to a gay friendly therapist. Finding a good therapist who's truly gay friendly (and not just a marketing ploy) is easier in a bigger city like Dallas. A good therapist can help you process some of the emotions and separate true emotions from the baggage we have grown up with. Therapy doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, just that you need some tools to sort out with new experiences/emotions.  It's also not forever.  

Again, welcome to the forums! 

 

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I’m sorry for your loss. 

Take time to grieve. 

Things will get better, when they get better. 
There is no right or wrong way to get through this. 
Take care of yourself and persevere.

Know that there are men who love you.
Some for a minute. Some for a lifetime. 
You are still at the beginning of the race.
Pace yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

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On 2/1/2022 at 3:35 PM, Unicorn said:

Please accept my condolences for your loss. You may wish to consider that being gay, you have an instant supportive community in most places. I don't know where you live, of course. If you live in a small town without much of a gay community, your life might end up a lot better if you move to a place with a place with such a community. 

I suggest hiring a companion first, it may help you a bit when you go to the places the great @Unicorn mentioned. Oh, @Unicorn don't be so touchy about a religious reference.

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1 hour ago, WilliamM said:

I suggest hiring a companion first, it may help you a bit when you go to the places the great @Unicorn mentioned. Oh, @Unicorn don't be so touchy about a religious reference.

My partner "Chris"'s parents would have punished him for violating the 3rd Commandment (“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.”) With respect to the OP, I suspect meeting other gay men in a non-sexual way and making friends would be more helpful at first than hiring escorts and/or going to counseling, although all 3 could be done simultaneously. 

Edited by Unicorn
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12 minutes ago, Unicorn said:

My partner "Chris"'s parents would have punished him for violating the 3rd Commandment (“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.”) With respect to the OP, I suspect meeting other gay men in a non-sexual way and making friends would be more helpful at first than hiring escorts and/or going to counseling, although all 3 could be done simultaneously. 

He will have something to discuss if he hires first, good and not so good.

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30 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

He will have something to discuss if he hires first, good and not so good.

I’ve hired twice since my mother’s death. I specifically told both guys I did not want to discuss her dying. They respected that. I don’t think it would’ve been good for the meet. For some maybe, but I’m not so sure that’s what I’d want to discuss if I were hooking up with an escort so soon after the death of a parent. But to each his own…

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39 minutes ago, xyz48B said:

I’ve hired twice since my mother’s death. I specifically told both guys I did not want to discuss her dying. They respected that. I don’t think it would’ve been good for the meet. For some maybe, but I’m not so sure that’s what I’d want to discuss if I were hooking up with an escort so soon after the death of a parent. But to each his own…

When my mother died I shared with a provider I had known for a long time. My mom was 91 and told me she had lived too long.

So a different situation.

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I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know if it will help-but in the Jewish religion we say, "May their memory always be as a blessing."  I had always thought it meant that it was  hoped that thinking of the departed would at some point bring comfort to those who had loved and cared for her
 

But about a year or so ago I read an article-I don't know whether it's 'official' or just this author's opinion. I'm going to quote part of  the article here. It was on the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. But it's obviously applicable for anyone. 
 

"When we say “may her memory be for a blessing,” the blessing we speak of is not “may we remember her fondly” or “may her memory be a blessing to us.” The blessing implied is this: May you be like Ruth. Jewish thought teaches us that when a person dies, it is up to those who bear her memory to keep her goodness alive. We do this by remembering her, we do this by speaking her name, we do this by carrying on her legacy. We do this by continuing to pursue justice, righteousness, sustainability."

 

The full article is here for anyone who'd like to look at it. 
 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/forward.com/scribe/454812/may-ruth-bader-ginsburgs-memory-be-for-a-blessing-what-exactly-does-that/%3Fgamp

 

 

Again my sincere condolences. 
 

Gman

Edited by Gar1eth
Grammar
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My parents are both dead.   My father died more than 30 years ago.   I was devastated by his loss - I was sad and depressed for months - it was beginning to get scary.  Then one morning I was thinking about it and I remembered that everyone loses their parents and they all get through it.  After that, I was fine in a day or two.

My mother died about 8 years ago.  On the surface, it didn't seem to bother me that much, but whenever I talked about her, I involuntarily teared up.  I didn't want to be breaking out in tears in front of others, so I just stopped talking about it. I'm sure a mental health professional would say that stuffing your grief is not a good way to deal with it, but it seemed to work for me.  I've found that the less I talk about difficult events in my life, the more quickly I forget about them.

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