Why I’m not hiring again.

[Andie40]

Before I begin, I want to say that these are my opinions based on personal experiences. After 10 years of hiring men, I can say that I’m totally giving up on it. I’m in my 30’s, so I guess I’m a little pickier, but of the 100+ men I’ve hired over the years, I can honestly only think of 3-4 that were actually worth it. Most of the time, the guy does not look nearly as good as his pictures ( not as muscular, older than advertised, different body pics used, etc.). Most of these guys I could likely meet for free. Somewhere down the line, hiring men became an addiction because I’ve suffered from low self esteem most of my life and any sort of rejection would put me in a funk.   I’m realizing now that spending so much money just to avoid my fears is not helping me in the long run.
 

I feel so ashamed to have spent so much money over the years for companionship I basically could have received for free had I stuck to a workout routine. 

I will say that the worst escorts are usually the Eastern European/Russian ones or the South American ones. They’re usually the rudest and more likely to have misleading pictures/ show disinterest.

I don’t mean to offend anyone with my post. They’re my experiences and options.

 

 

[Epigonos]

Feeling the way you do you are obviously doing the right thing.  GOOD LUCK

[maninsoma]

I started hiring in my twenties, but I didn't hire very often back then not only because I had much less money and it was pre-internet but also because I got more of my needs met by dating which was much easier for me in my twenties and thirties (and even into my forties) than into my fifties and now sixties. To be honest, even when guys do match their descriptions that's no guarantee that the session will feel "worth it" since that's entirely objective.  Sounds like you've figured out that, at least at this point in your life, hiring isn't for you.  Don't get hung up on regretting your past choices; just most forward.

[RadioRob]

You have to do what's right for you.  And only you know what that is...  live your life as makes sense and the rest will work out.  

[Luv2play]

If you suffer from low self esteem, try to address why that is. If it is your body image, then try taking steps to improve it. I did in my late 20s when I came out gay but in my case it just meant joining a gym and dropping 10 pounds or so and firming up my abs ( my butt was already nice and firm) lol.

But small steps are important and don't try to bite off too much at once. Achieve a certain small goal and then move on to the next.

At your age you have lots of time to turn things around. If you do, you probably can dispense with providers for at least another 20 or 30 years if you stay single. Lot's of time to repair your finances.😃

Edited January 24, 2022 by Luv2play

[Guest MikeThomas]

... and don't feel ashamed.  Hiring was in the past.  Look to the future

[maninsoma]

1 hour ago, maninsoma said:

I started hiring in my twenties, but I didn't hire very often back then not only because I had much less money and it was pre-internet but also because I got more of my needs met by dating which was much easier for me in my twenties and thirties (and even into my forties) than into my fifties and now sixties. To be honest, even when guys do match their descriptions that's no guarantee that the session will feel "worth it" since that's entirely objective.  Sounds like you've figured out that, at least at this point in your life, hiring isn't for you.  Don't get hung up on regretting your past choices; just most forward.

Oops.  That should have said "entirely subjective," not "objective."

[needbodywork]

I can agree that the providers often don't look like their photos or as good. Their best photos may be based on a certain time of their life that they no longer have the discipline or time to commit to.  It seems escorting makes many a little less inclined to stay in top shape. There are exceptions, of course.

[jtwalker]

You do you!  Oh, I guess you might have to now, LOL  Just kidding.

Honestly, I am right there with you.  I can't say I've given up all hope, but I've become so picky and have such a tight schedule, that I only seem manage a couple of hires a year at this point.  Otherwise, I do me, lol

[SamSpring]

31 minutes ago, needbodywork said:

I can agree that the providers often don't look like their photos or as good. Their best photos may be based on a certain time of their life that they no longer have the discipline or time to commit to.  It seems escorting makes many a little less inclined to stay in top shape. There are exceptions, of course.

I’d also say this hold true for Grindr, Scruff, etc. Often a guy’s pics are from their best days. 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

Our experiences have not been nearly as bad as the OP described. Maybe it’s bc we’re in NYC. But most of the guys we’ve hired do look like their pics - some even better. 
 

Our primary reason for hiring is that it’s easier then wasting time on Grindr and Scruff. We’ve had a couple of duds in our time hiring, but probably 80% positive. But I read reviews. I check their social media. I come on here. 
 

I do think you have to be discriminating. What we look for more than anything is someone who seems to genuinely enjoy this work. 

[acks01]

I think you can look at all of it as a learning experience. I browse way more than I actually hire because I know I have super high standards and don't like to be disappointed or feel like I'm wasting money, but I'm sure I could have also had some great experiences had I gone for it. I'm ok with that though.

[+ tassojunior]

When young I went through a period of doing this monthly. And then pay day would hit my bank account.

I do serial dating and when someone's not right for me it's over. Never gotten into the guy-of-the-week thing or shopping online. Mostly strippers and military as regulars. 

[DBWEHO]

That why I stick to my 2-3 regulars. 

[+ goosh69]

Sometimes the providers still are in shape or what not but look meaningfully different in other ways. For example, the pictures are of someone smooth chested,  clean cut, with a coiffed pompadour  with lots of hair product, and the guy who shows up has piercings, tattoos, and a shaved head BUT a hairy chest (this happens to me A LOT.)

I’ve turned guys away at the door for not looking like their pictures  many times and warned them advance that I would do so. Like I SPECIFICALLY use the above examples. I don’t care if you or your friends think your new look is better- it’s not what has pictured or discussed. And still the guys think they can show up not looking like what’s advertised.

It sounds like you did not have the courage to say “no” before the sessions began.

[+ glutes]

6 hours ago, Andie40 said:

 After 10 years of hiring men, I can say that I’m totally giving up on it. I’m in my 30’s, so I guess I’m a little pickier, but of the 100+ men I’ve hired over the years, I can honestly only think of 3-4 that were actually worth it.

 

3-4%? You're doing better than me!

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by glutes

[guru68]

I don't share the experiences, but I certainly recognize the sentiments. 

The only thing I can really think to say is that beating yourself up never helps. You've recognized choices that are bad for you and you're making different choices to move in a direction that is better for you. Good for you, and good to luck you.

[robberbaron4u]

"Escorting" is a business not a match-making service for lonely hearts. And, in making any hire, the rule of "buyer beware" is applicable. You will want to read Chapter of 11 of my memoir, I Can't Begin to Tell You: "Hardbody Hans" turns out to be "Tiny Tim", a little person with a mean streak the width of an eight lane super highway. . . 

[Jakeenct]

Interesting topic!  I've been extremely judicious before deciding to hire and probably wouldn't make an escort rich.  I think my expectations are lower and I enjoy the "guy-next door," plain and maybe could use a few visits to the gym, type of guy.  I have "over spent" although not often, but alternatively I would have done better flushing money down the toilet and just wanking (suggestion; don't flush your money but do WANK).  My expectations are lower and perhaps that is a safe zone and, I guess, my experience has demonstrated I'm likely to be more successful and less disappointed.

[needbodywork]

1 hour ago, goosh69 said:

Sometimes the providers still are in shape or what not but look meaningfully different in other ways. For example, the pictures are of someone smooth chested,  clean cut, with a coiffed pompadour  with lots of hair product, and the guy who shows up has piercings, tattoos, and a shaved head BUT a hairy chest (this happens to me A LOT.)

I’ve turned guys away at the door for not looking like their pictures  many times and warned them advance that I would do so. Like I SPECIFICALLY use the above examples. I don’t care if you or your friends think your new look is better- it’s not what has pictured or discussed. And still the guys think they can show up not looking like what’s advertised.

It sounds like you did not have the courage to say “no” before the sessions began.

This is very common in my experience too. Different hairstyles, or amount of body/facial hair. A guy with the exact same body can go from super hot to not attractive at all to me based on his hairstyle alone.

That's why I'll only meet guys if I see a very recent social media post or if I see them in person somewhere.

[Jakeenct]

7 hours ago, Andie40 said:

I will say that the worst escorts are usually the Eastern European/Russian ones or the South American ones. They’re usually the rudest and more likely to have misleading pictures/ show disinterest.

 

 

 

Disappointing to read this about South American escorts as they just about overwhelm the US market and, hands down, they are my "type."

[kaboom35]

I can empathize about hiring 100’s of escorts over my lifetime but only 3 or 4 were mind blowing experiences who were worth my hard earned money.   The temptation is to seek variety hoping for more of those experiences but I have found sticking (if geography and finances allow) to the same regulars is more worth than finding a new guy.   

[+ stevenkesslar]

6 hours ago, Andie40 said:

I’m in my 30’s ...  Somewhere down the line, hiring men became an addiction because I’ve suffered from low self esteem most of my life and any sort of rejection would put me in a funk.   I’m realizing now that spending so much money just to avoid my fears is not helping me in the long run.

I feel so ashamed to have spent so much money over the years for companionship I basically could have received for free had I stuck to a workout routine. 

I agree with @maninsoma.  There's no reason to regret what you did.  There is reason, I'd say, to feel good that you learned things about yourself and don't feel a need to do something that doesn't work anymore.   I read what you wrote as a sort of declaration of independence.  If I am reading it correctly, congratulations.

That's the short version.  The longer version will be a few stories about what it feels like from the other side of the looking glass.  Which basically revolves around not feeling regret about doing what you did in order to grow.  Or even just to have fun.

There was a client who hired me for a handful of overnights who was an enigma.  Handsome, nice body, great sex, I'm guessing in his 30's, smart as a whip, beautiful house, professional career he loved.  He was driving me to an airport after our first "date" and I told him I had a great time.  But I was curious why he hired me.  Meaning why hire any escort? Whatever he said was brief and may have been "I don't know."  A few days later I got a long email pouring his heart out.  I don't remember the content but I remember the feelings.  Something about judgmental parents.  Something about shame.  Something about low self esteem about his body before he came out and set about to being a Gay gym rat.

Maybe six months later he was dating some guy who looked gorgeous in a photo he showed me.  A few years later, long after he'd stopped hiring me or anyone, he sent me a wedding photo of him and his hubby.  As happy endings go, it was a good one.  I'm not a psychologist.  But I know he did what he did in order to grow.  And he grew.  And you are correct @Andie40 that sticking to your gym routine helps.  It worked for him.

Based on my own relationships it works both ways.  I think most if not all escorts feel some version of regret.  Often in terms of trade offs that were made. 

This past week I had a really fun walk with a friend in town who I was very close to in my 30's.  Both from organizing work together, before I turned to escorting, and very bad Greek dancing on weekends.  I would have dated her and maybe fallen in love if she wasn't one of the first people I came out to.  So we spent hours exchanging this cascade of stories. 

My friend's version of your first paragraph is she felt enormous frustration after being in the center of maybe 10 years of organizing on same sex marriage, rather than 10 years of escorts.  I remember the California version of that as one of her volunteers.  We lost badly.  Again and again.  That kind of rejection sucks, too.  But who knew?  Fucking up is how you learn.  To make a very long story short, the happy ending is that after fuck up after fuck up after fuck up, she and others like her figured out how to do better.  When I regret not being some alternative version of myself, it's not the sex - good or bad.  It's that I would have spent my escort career running around the US like she did organizing for same sex marriage.  And beating my head against the wall.  Which turns out to be less satisfying than beating off.  I'm okay with just being able to thank her for what she did instead.

From reading the OP's comment and reactions about photos and Grindr, I think it largely works the same way on both sides of the looking glass.  From my perspective, the allure was almost irresistible - being an escort, or hiring one.  Why not touch bright shiny objects?  Or get hired because someone sees you as one?  And is it a shocker things are never quite as shiny or dazzling as you thought they might be?  When you feel that way, you move on.

I have a simple and happy and Gay go-to place on the subject of regret.  Another aging escort buddy and I love watching Dancing With The Stars together.  One week several years ago Cher was a guest judge.  She was asked if she could turn back time, where would she go?  She said hands down back to her 40's.  She said she had so much fun.  Almost too much fun.  I thought, "OMG.  I'm like Cher."  My 40's were a Gay romp.  

Ok.  But let's get real.  In order to get there Cher had to go through dumping one husband who she met when she was 16.  And then what seemed like a train wreck of a second marriage to Greg Allman.  If an escort you hired did not shoot up heroin on your first date, arguably you had better luck than Cher.  What's worse?  A bad 10 hour overnight or a bad 10 day marriage?  You get my point.  Cher did what she needed to do in order to grow.  Hell, she even won an Oscar for it.

My advice, @Andie40,  is don't regret what you did in order to get where you are today.  You're not in your 40's yet.  I hope you enjoy your next decade as much as Cher did.  You earned it. If you find a man you want to marry, now you can.  That is because a lot of people like my friend fucked things up for a long time, and learned from it.

Here's to being willing to learn and grow by fucking up.

 

 

 

 

 

[Jarrod_Uncut]

4 hours ago, Jakeenct said:

Disappointing to read this about South American escorts as they just about overwhelm the US market and, hands down, they are my "type."

Not quite always the case though. There's a guy who goes by https://rentmen.eu/Xandre and he's from Brazil. a client booked us both for a session. I won't kiss and tell but, let's just say I was still horny for days after I bust 🤣 . So, even though I know there may be some merit in the stereotype, it may not apply to all

5 hours ago, robberbaron4u said:

"Escorting" is a business not a match-making service for lonely hearts. And, in making any hire, the rule of "buyer beware" is applicable. You will want to read Chapter of 11 of my memoir, I Can't Begin to Tell You: "Hardbody Hans" turns out to be "Tiny Tim", a little person with a mean streak the width of an eight lane super highway. . . 

Exactly. In fact, I actually find many clients are POPULAR and either have partners or wives, kids, grandkids, etc. etc. Sometimes I wish I could model the lifestyle my clients have, but I also realize it's different levels of spectrum. What may seem like an ideal lifestyle during the day, may not be so

12 hours ago, Andie40 said:

but of the 100+ men I’ve hired over the years, I can honestly only think of 3-4 that were actually worth it.

I feel so ashamed to have spent so much money over the years for companionship I basically could have received for free had I stuck to a workout routine.

 

 

Wait.

wait.

Stop.

Back up.

Rewind. 

 

Let's just start here: having a workout routine is no guarantee of "free" companionship. First off. Secondly, there's still no guarantee you would have met any of those guys you mentioned, "for free" even if you were Brad Pitt, Arnold in the 80s, or Bradley Cooper WITH the dick of Cutler X combined...I am in shape, have done lots of work on my body, dental, personality, money/cars, you name it: and I STILL have a hard time finding the relationship I want. The only difference is, I get guys easier than I used to. However, most of the guys are in just for sex or "what can you do for me" bullshit...which is why I stay escorting. I already know most gay guys out there either want sex or someone to use. The people who manage to stay in relationships, usually have found a way to either tolerate it, or incorporate that into something meaningful.  

I also don't "hookup" just to hookup. I have so many guys hitting me up on the apps. Some of them have hit me up on RentMen and been a client. Even one the other day, cute face, body was not impeccable but not out of shape, early 30s. Not bad by any means. But I wouldn't of met him "for free" because I was traveling and I came for the purpose of meeting clients. So, he wouldn't of met me for free, because I wasn't offering that to begin with. And if I wasn't an escort, he'd of never met me because I wouldn't of traveled there for any other reason except at the invention of me being a traveling escort.

Some things in life: are on a biblical level of understanding. It involves a degree of cause and effect 😆

I have to say, for your benefit: there's nothing you need to regret. You did it, and now you don't. That's the challenge in life, decisions. I make them all the time, and regret them...all the time. But at the end of the day, you decided what you decide based on the best knowledge you have of the situation at the time. In your case, your decisions were based on WHICH and HOW to find the best escorts, not IF you should be hiring in the first place. 

 

I'll also say where you might have gone wrong: 100+ guys in your 30s is an exorbitant number of escort hires. Some of my best and longest clients were those who had only hired once or twice previously. If you're hiring 100s and hadn't stuck to a regular, there's certainly something blocking you. And in my opinion, a person like that (not saying you, but in general) would likely be a problem client: likely to flake or be disrespectful because, it's a numbers game. It's like the shitty clients who say, "I'll call someone else" when I tell them my rates or that I'm not available until a certain time. Well fucking call someone else, good luck with that, and you're now blocked 😄 

 

It's okay to have variety, but similar to the Grindr circuit: if you're just hooking up with new guys (even if it's for free)  every day/week...you're going to burn out and your experiences won't be fulfilling. So handle that. Maybe down the line (and this is not being funny, because I'm in counseling also and it's not a bad thing), perhaps you can take sessions with someone who can direct you in the right direction. You can stop seeing providers, but it may still help to read self help books and see a counselor on certain issues. 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Jarrod_Uncut

[+ Pensant]

11 hours ago, SamSpring said:

I’d also say this hold true for Grindr, Scruff, etc. Often a guy’s pics are from their best days. 

Like 75% of the time.