Senior Living Facility...Why Not?

[+ MysticMenace]

I had a conversation with someone who is 65, sharing his thoughts about growing old and getting leery about living alone. I suggested getting plugged into communities or to consider going into a senior living facility. He had a very strong reaction against it and said he'd rather off himself than be caught living in a facility. I was reading through some senior living facility (not nursing homes) sites and they do not sound that bad...they offer things like:

• around the clock care
• transportation services
• medical and medication management
• mobility assistance
• security and safety protocols 
• organized group outings: trips to museums, malls, movies and more
• shuttle transportation to and from doctor offices and grocery stores
• ability to have and bring your car
• dining experiences that offer many food options and that are prepared by a chef and culinary team
• onsite amenities: beauty salon and barbershop, fitness areas and more
• ability to bring your pet to some communities
• memory care services
• access to and collaboration with therapy partners for physical, occupational, and speech therapy

has anyone considered potentially living in a senior living facility or known of anyone who considered it, and what would be some reasons why someone would not want to live in a similar facility?

[Deadlift1]

Keep dreaming!

[Luv2play]

As one gets older, one becomes familiar with situations where family or friends end up in senior living facilities. I have had some experience with this. On the other hand I have seen people I know stay to the end of their lives in their homes.

For myself, I fervently hope I can stay in my home until the end. Moving to a residence means giving up most of one's possessions and familiar surroundings, like neighborhood and people one sees every week.

When my father moved into a residence at the age of 85 after his second wife had died, he told me the worst thing was that people around him, table mates and others, were constantly  disappearing. Everything else was fine, nice surroundings, good food, and pleasant staff. It got depressing. He was there for more than three years and was ready to go at the end.

 

[+ Topseed]

The idea of being surrounded 24/7 by old(er) people makes my flesh crawl. I both need and enjoy being around my younger friends. 

My grandmother spent the last years of her life in a community with a "continuum of care". During my visits she would have me join her and her friends at their lunch table. Their humor was of the gallows variety, to say the least. And little wonder my grandmother would sneak out of there for regular trips to the casino and their slot machines! (I am not kidding about this.)

And: during the pandemic the high-end senior homes here in Chicago became expensive prisons. All the amenities disappeared. Residents not allowed to have visitors. No communal anything. I understand the reasons for all of this, and it certainly has made me rethink my desire to move into one of these places unless I have to. Instead, I'm thinking I'd rather lean on Instacart, Hello Fresh, GrubHub, Uber, and Amazon.

[Antonio1981]

47 minutes ago, Luv2play said:

As one gets older, one becomes familiar with situations where family or friends end up in senior living facilities. I have had some experience with this. On the other hand I have seen people I know stay to the end of their lives in their homes.

For myself, I fervently hope I can stay in my home until the end. Moving to a residence means giving up most of one's possessions and familiar surroundings, like neighborhood and people one sees every week.

When my father moved into a residence at the age of 85 after his second wife had died, he told me the worst thing was that people around him, table mates and others, were constantly  disappearing. Everything else was fine, nice surroundings, good food, and pleasant staff. It got depressing. He was there for more than three years and was ready to go at the end.

 

This is sad, but truthful. My dad is in an assisted living home at age 80 due to a stroke. I get to see him weekly and take him to physical therapy, etc.   He told me that the service and accommodations are great, but it’s the residents that make the place depressing. He spoke about some residents having dementia, some passing away, etc.  I wish there was alternative. 

[+ nycman]

Where’s the option for "yes"?

While I don’t love the idea, I realize that at a certain point it’s a reality.
Watching older people cling to their imagined "independence" of living at home alone is a sad, sad, joke.
They end up being a huge burden to everyone one around them and to distant great nieces who barley know them as well. 

I had to shop around for my mother not too long ago. One place was so nice that I seriously wanted to move in (too young).
It was 100 times nicer than any place my mother had ever lived. She thankfully had enough resources to live there for decades.
She lasted less than 3 days and miraculously got her "bed bound" ass back to her house 45 miles away without me finding out.
She also fired her "24/7 at home help" that she had used to hoodwink the care center, in less than 8 hours. The results were 
predictable but those were her wishes. So be it. 

I often think people who can afford care and refuse it, are selfish assholes or just plain stupid. 

Edited September 21, 2021 by nycman

[+ WilliamM]

I would be fine with because my mother lived in  assisted living community  at the end of her life. She still had her beloved cat, staff cleaned her apartment once a week and  my mother took a bus to the movie at least once a week. Mom lived to age 91.

 

Remember when she spent  first  few days I'm the facility. Mom was born on 1908 in a large family. But  there are not as many large families now I have mentioned before the she was honest about losing her memory to dementia. My brother and I were surpirised because we were unaware of her memory issues so early on

Edited September 21, 2021 by WilliamM

[+ jrhoutex]

Assisting living facilities are ever changing based on the demographics they serve.  I’m starting to see more facilities opening up with upscale accommodations and rooftop restaurants and lounges.  

I placed my mother in an assisting living facility for a few years before she had a stroke and need nursing home care.  She had become a prison in her own home as she could no longer drive herself and most all of her friends had passed.  She finally agreed to move and the first 3 years she really flourished.  She met new people and became more social.  The facility had all sorts of daily activities and social time just to meet and mingle with others.  They took residents out on weekly adventures for those who were mobile.  It was much better than staying home with no social contact.  One has to be prepared for folks leaving the facility for more advanced care.  I don’t recall residents with dementia at her facility.  Years later when my aunt moved to a nursing home, they had a separate wing for the dementia patients.  Once my mother went to a nursing home, the stroke left her bed ridden and a memory of living in the past.  I remember having conversations with her and what she remembered was all true, it just happened 20 years in the past.  It wasn’t long until she stopped talking all together.

 

[+ E.T.Bass]

My grandpa was from the old country, arriving as a teenager.  He worked hard and raised a family.  He made it clear he'd rather die than move to the home.

He lasted about a week. 

 

These days, in my experience, retirement home staff are underpaid, and spend a lot of time on their smartphones.  

By the time some of us get there, perhaps that situatuon would be no big deal.  But for now, a lot of old people notice and don't like how that feels, to be ignored while staff stares at their phone.

[Antonio1981]

1 hour ago, nycman said:

Where’s the option for "yes"?

While I don’t love the idea, I realize that at a certain point it’s a reality.
Watching older people cling to their imagined "independence" of living at home alone is a sad, sad, joke.
They end up being a huge burden to everyone one around them and to distant great nieces who barley know them as well. 

I had to shop around for my mother not too long ago. One place was so nice that I seriously wanted to move in (too young).
It was 100 times nicer than any place my mother had ever lived. She thankfully had enough resources to live there for decades.
She lasted less than 3 days and miraculous got her "bed bound" ass back to her house 45 miles away without me finding out.
She also fired her "24/7 at home help" that she had used to hoodwink the care center, in less than 8 hours. The results were 
predictable but those were her wishes. So be it. 

I often think people who can afford care and refuse it, are selfish assholes or just plain stupid. 

I believe a lot of it has to do with just being stubborn. At least that is the situation with my mother who is 81, hearing impaired but refuses to make any adjustments to her life as long as her kids and grandkids are available to assist. It has caused a lot of friction with my siblings and even some sort of resentment at times from us and the grandkids. We are just taking things day by day. I do my best to channel my frustrations elsewhere, but there are days I come across as the parent and my mother acting like a child. 

[Antonio1981]

19 minutes ago, jrhoutex said:

 

Assisting living facilities are ever changing based on the demographics they serve.  I’m starting to see more facilities opening up with upscale accommodations and rooftop restaurants and lounges.  

I placed my mother in an assisting living facility for a few years before she had a stroke and need nursing home care.  She had become a prison in her own home as she could no longer drive herself and most all of her friends had passed.  She finally agreed to move and the first 3 years she really flourished.  She met new people and became more social.  The facility had all sorts of daily activities and social time just to meet and mingle with others.  They took residents out on weekly adventures for those who were mobile.  It was much better than staying home with no social contact.  One has to be prepared for folks leaving the facility for more advanced care.  I don’t recall residents with dementia at her facility.  Years later when my aunt moved to a nursing home, they had a separate wing for the dementia patients.  Once my mother went to a nursing home, the stroke left her bed ridden and a memory of living in the past.  I remember having conversations with her and what she remembered was all true, it just happened 20 years in the past.  It wasn’t long until she stopped talking all together.

 

This is heartbreaking. I’m sorry. 

[+ bigjoey]

Moving into a senior facility is often not a matter of choice but physical necessity.

One of the main advantages is socialization rather than being isolated in a home or apartment.  Such socializing is good for both mental and physical health.

There are good and bad facilities.  The good ones are great places to live with caring staff and can let people have a better quality of life than struggling in isolation in their own home.

My father lived in a continuum of care facility that ranged from independent living to assisted living to skilled nursing to “memory care.”  A resident got as much services as they wanted and needed.  Until he died suddenly of an aneurism he  never needed any special services beyond housekeeping and meals when wanted.

My mother lived in another continuum of care facility with my stepfather.  They needed more care and got nursing as needed.  They lived in the independent housing part of the campus but after a hospital stay, they might have been in skilled nursing or rehab for a while, then assisted living and finally back to their independent unit.  Normally, they had all their meals in their own unit but in the Winter, on bad weather days, they would have meals delivered to their unit.  They loved the activities and socializing.  They liked having weekly housekeeping and no maintenance worries. 

In my mother’s case, we had to force her out of her home into the senior facility.  It became a move of necessity for both her and my stepfather as their home was just too big for them.  After about six months, my mother told me: “I should have done this years ago” she was so happy with the senior facility.

 

[+ bigjoey]

Not to post this as a joke but an alternative is living on a cruise ship.  Many articles like this one:

https://theweek.com/articles/837253/are-luxury-cruise-ships-new-retirement-homes?amp

For cost:

https://www.hospitalitynet.org/opinion/4103123.html
 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by bigjoey

[+ 7829V]

How does sex work at a senior facility? Are you “allowed” to have sex? What about hiring and bringing company to the facility? 🤔

[jeezifonly]

Perhaps we all need to make a pact that we shall open a Senior Existing Facility in each major city, that is open only to members of the Forum, and books providers accepting Groupons! 🤗

[rvwnsd]

3 hours ago, nycman said:

Where’s the option for "yes"?

While I don’t love the idea, I realize that at a certain point it’s a reality.
Watching older people cling to their imagined "independence" of living at home alone is a sad, sad, joke.
They end up being a huge burden to everyone one around them and to distant great nieces who barley know them as well....

That was my dad. His advice to everyone else (including my mother) was they should live in a senior care facility. He, on the other hand, insisted on staying in his house where he lived until the fourth time in three weeks had been taken to the ER. (My brother only knew of two - he must have gotten home via taxi, as he didn't drive). He ended up in a rehab place where he lasted a week before dying from complications of dementia, heart disease, and refusing to eat. Had he gone into the senior facility when he was still somewhat lucid, he would have had a much better quality of life. 

When my sister-in-law checked out places for him (all of which he flat-out refused) we wanted to move in instead. 

[samhexum]

4 hours ago, JoeMendoza said:

would you consider living in a senior living facility?

To live in, or as a cruising location?

[samhexum]

3 hours ago, WilliamM said:

staff cleaned her apartment once a week

 

Sign me up right now!

2 hours ago, jrhoutex said:

Once my mother went to a nursing home, the stroke left her bed ridden and a memory of living in the past.  I remember having conversations with her and what she remembered was all true, it just happened 20 years in the past.  It wasn’t long until she stopped talking all together.

 

My mother had a stroke and was fine except that her short term memory was shot.  She kept asking my sister and me how our aunt (her sister) was.  We'd either tell her 'fine' or say 'the same'.  She had been dead for several years at that point.  We hired a home aide for her.  When she was out of her apartment, her neighbors would think there was nothing wrong with her, not realizing she was talking to them about things that had happened in the past.

Edited September 21, 2021 by samhexum

[BSR]

43 minutes ago, bigjoey said:

Not to post this as a joke but an alternative is living on a cruise ship.  Many articles like this one:

https://theweek.com/articles/837253/are-luxury-cruise-ships-new-retirement-homes?amp

For cost:

https://www.hospitalitynet.org/opinion/4103123.html
 

 

Living on a cruise ship would be a zillion times more fun than an assisted-living center.  As the article points out, it might even be cheaper.  But I wonder about access to doctors.  I saw a feature on Mama Lee on YouTube, and lucky for her she's in excellent health.  On the rare occasion that she has a minor health problem, the ship's physician can take care of her.  But most seniors need much more medical care, for example, the thread about prostate cancer elsewhere on this forum.  No matter what course of treatment a man with prostate cancer pursued, he'd have to abandon ship until remission.  Many seniors deal with chronic conditions that require a specialist's care, far beyond anything a ship's doctor could provide.  But hey, if your health allows you to do it, why not live on a cruise ship full time?  Even if you have to abandon the lifestyle at some point, you'll have a helluva good time until then.

[Lchnsf]

I had been after my parents for years to make arrangements for an alternative living situation be it assisted living or an apartment that would better suit their needs. My dad is 98 and his child bride is 90. During the last year my mom was in and out of the hospital with lymphedema in her leg and finally ended up in skilled nursing. My dad had Congestive Heart Failure in the spring, was admitted to the hospital where he fell and broke his arm. He was also admitted to skilled nursing. 

This facility is one step away from a hospital and currently there is no prospect of either of them getting out. I went back to their home to sell their belongings and prepare the house for sale. 
 

It bothers me that they didn’t head my advice and find a place on their own where they could live with dignity. Instead they are having everything taken from them, their home, their belongings and the staff has stolen jewelry that my mother held dear. 
 

My dad knows he fucked up but he can’t believe he is spending the rest of his life in that place. 
 

Bottom line, I would rather go to a place of my choice then end up in a place I couldn’t stand. I live recklessly enough that hopefully I won’t have to make the choice, but I would choose assisted living if it meant I could continue on with dignity. 

[Antonio1981]

As much as this topic is heart wrenching and difficult, it’s enlightening to know that it seems common to share these struggles with aging parents and finding appropriate living assistance. I’ve already got one parent in a private caring home due to his stroke. That was very difficult because he wanted to “go home” for the first 6 months (it’s been 18 months now and I don’t foresee him going home). My mother is 81yo, living at home but relies on us kids for assistance. She went from living with dad for 55 years to now living alone. Because of covid, they don’t see each other more than 5-6 times a year. I wonder how lonely she is with the sudden life change. She’s also hearing impaired so we worry about emergencies, etc.  She’s extremely stubborn and getting her to an assisted living facility is out of the question (as far as she is concerned). 

[samhexum]

23 minutes ago, Lchnsf said:

my mom was in and out of the hospital with lymphedema in her leg ...

Wendy Williams has it in her legs, Kathy Bates in her arms.

[Guest]

Remember, senior living is a spectrum…from independent living to acute care.  The independent living end of the spectrum can be quite vibrant and active.  The acute care end of the spectrum is burdened in need.  My mother remained on the independent end of the spectrum until the end.  My father required acute care at the end and those facilities are quite bleak to enter. 

[Guest]

What kind of a silly set of leading answers is that? No, hell no, and I don't think so? How about Yes, under the right set of circumstances? My mother developed dementia and couldn't tell night from day, take her meds, cook for herself, or even turn off the gas in the house. She was in a panic most nights. Even if I could have quit my job to take care of her, I couldn't do so 24 hours a day. And it would have to be someone with medical know-how. 

There are situations in which living in a senior assisted-living facility becomes necessary. I have let my beau (perhaps permanent partner one day?) "Chris" know that I have a long-term care insurance policy, and that if I need constant care I won't be a burden. I have asked him to place me in a senior assisted living facility near here called Belmont Village. Another Belmont Village near my mother's old place (that one was in Albany CA) took great care of her. They have an RN on duty 24/7, and the meals are prepared by professional chefs (in fact, I enjoyed the meals when I came to visit her at dinnertime after work). They even served wine with dinner, had a cafe, daily activities, enrichment programs, etc. 

https://www.belmontvillage.com/locations/hollywood-hills/

Yes, going on a cruise ship for the rest of one's life would be a less expensive option, but the cruise ship wouldn't be able to make sure I took my meds, made it to meal-times, nor could they handle someone panicking in the middle of the night. And yes, the Belmont Village does offer private 1-bedroom "apartments" which offer privacy if one were to wish having sex, etc. 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Unicorn

[+ bashful]

4 hours ago, 7829V said:

How does sex work at a senior facility? Are you “allowed” to have sex? What about hiring and bringing company to the facility? 🤔

Pre-pandemic, for those in independent living, it’s like living in an apartment building, or private homes.  Visitors freely able to come and go (no pun intended).