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Wanting the men we can't have - but we're still fighting like hell to get them.


Merboy
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It has been six fucking years since I kissed a guy.

What's weird is that my self-worth and self-esteem are so low that I feel I'm beyond hideous... but maybe it's more than that.

I grew up in a really small town back in the early 2000s - there were a few gay men in town but hardly any younger than 50 and the ones that were around my age I was already friends with - nice, sweet, country boys who were struggling with dads that didn't accept them too.  (Major Daddy issues in this community...maybe Freud was right?)

Then I tried to kill myself...more than a few times and then life just fell apart.  I gained massive weight - over 150 pounds over 9 years.  Boston, the city I'm in, has become an extreme Gilded Age society where there is still no gay community center (otherwise I'd be in there all the time).  It's no secret to anyone that I loathe Boston and would return to PA with my car in a heartbeat.

The very few gay places I've been in I've been hit on.  One guy grabbed my ass at a gay bookstore (remember those?) and another dude grabbed my crotch.  After those two horrible experiences, I stopped going altogether.

I've made out with a few guys, sucked off a few - not really had what I would call mind-blowing sex.  Anal felt like I had to poop.  And giving a man head made me bored after 3 seconds.

The first time a man kissed me I was 23 and it was in a hot tub and then he told me to kiss this really old guy from Austria (?) and oh god it was an AWFUL first time.  I think he was a muscle bottom because he just bolted after that and found two men in the pool to fuck him.  He was also wasted.

He was extremely cocky and good-looking and an elitist dick... and I guess I was turned on by that.  Any alpha douchebag makes me horny.  It's always the same type of guy - some Abercrombie and Bitch frat boy or a straight bodybuilder who in real life is dating a little petite blonde girl - and my heart is always broken.

Now I live with a guy and he's hot and young (ish) and he gets constant Grindr hookups - 3 or 4 in a day.  All he does is fuck, sleep, eat, and fuck some more.

Anyway - where am I going with this?  🙄 I have no clue.  I guess I just wanted to reach out to you and talk about why we want what we can't have - and why other people can stop wanting that after a while - and why other people are so hell-bent on having it that we'd walk through fire to just have sex with that one gorgeous stud.

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That's alot to unpack, but it sounds like you need some help, so I suggest using whatever disposable income you have on therapy.... Talking is good....  If you have no money for it, there are available services to help you,  Lifelines.......

By THIS post alone, it sounds as if you are consumed with your sex/love life, and not in a healthy way...  and noone should ever be CONSUMED by anything. 

Noone likes rejection, but as you get older you'll realize its no big deal, and par for the course.  you win some, you lose some.  

If you would walk thru fire for a "gorgeous" guy, take a step back....that's not normal OR healthy.....Personally, I would put out the fire FIRST.....

Support is good, but we HERE are not professionals..... Seek out someone GOOD who is....👍

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1 minute ago, Merboy said:

I'm a mess but thank you all for your concern and support!  Boston isn't the gayest town in the world - gay men are very hard to find here, or maybe I'm just on the margins of the gay world.

NYC aint much better.  you CAN find a guy if you want a casual fuck,  but dont try to find any kind of long term relationship..... Those seem to be a thing of the past, or, all the available men are not worth having ? 

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7 hours ago, jjkrkwood said:

NYC aint much better.  you CAN find a guy if you want a casual fuck,  but dont try to find any kind of long term relationship..... Those seem to be a thing of the past, or, all the available men are not worth having ? 

I thought Manhattan was the epitome of gay life - or maybe that was 15 years ago?  Is Chelsea and the Meatpacking District still where all the boys are?

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2 minutes ago, Merboy said:

I thought Manhattan was the epitome of gay life - or maybe that was 15 years ago?  Is Chelsea and the Meatpacking District still where all the boys are?

They are around, but its gentrified into a rather str8 area..... But the one gay backroom bookstore is still rather busy

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The Gay World, just like any other _______World, is virtual rather than geographic.

If gay is just about sex for you (it is for many) you should search the forum for any Boston 411’s and hire some relief. Engage your hire to include some time for convo and tell him about things that interest you and maybe he will have some rec’s about finding guys who share those interests. If he hasn’t been in Beantown any longer than you have, you’re bound to find other ways to use his…input.

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1 hour ago, jeezifonly said:

The Gay World, just like any other _______World, is virtual rather than geographic.

If gay is just about sex for you (it is for many) you should search the forum for any Boston 411’s and hire some relief. Engage your hire to include some time for convo and tell him about things that interest you and maybe he will have some rec’s about finding guys who share those interests. If he hasn’t been in Beantown any longer than you have, you’re bound to find other ways to use his…input.

Maybe I should just join a gym to scope out the man candy, offer to buy some guy a drink, and just go for it.  If I'm looking for horny bodybuilders who just want to get a nut off, then maybe I should go where guys like that are.

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10 minutes ago, Merboy said:

Maybe I should just join a gym to scope out the man candy, offer to buy some guy a drink, and just go for it.  If I'm looking for horny bodybuilders who just want to get a nut off, then maybe I should go where guys like that are.

Don't limit yourself to bodybuilders. Expand your scope. Don't get me wrong... we all have certain types that we're drawn too. However, you may be missing an amazing experience with a guy (even a long term relationship) if you limit yourself to a particular type.

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1 minute ago, big-n-tall said:

Don't limit yourself to bodybuilders. Expand your scope. Don't get me wrong... we all have certain types that we're drawn too. However, you may be missing an amazing experience with a guy (even a long term relationship) if you limit yourself to a particular type.

Very true.  Chris Hayes may not be Captain America, but he might just be Captain America in the sack, so you never know 🙂

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I agree with the suggestion that you might benefit from therapy. I don't know you, but it sounds like the sex stuff is a symptom of a larger issue (e.g., low self-worth). You further mentioned a history of suicide attempts, which is quite serious. Therapy would be a wonderful place for you to unpack your psychological dynamics while developing more adaptive ways of responding to emotions. 

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How old are you?  There's a gay rugby team(maybe two, I can't recall if the second one is till around) and you could join that(they take all levels really) or just start going and watching their matches.   NYC has gay flag football and volleyball, not sure if boston has the population to support that as well.  Lots of people join these things for just a seaon then hang around for the socials.

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I'm 75, short and heavy set, living in nyc and spend a lot of time on rent.men looking for my ideal muscle man.

Living in Brooklyn, they are far and in between as they don't want to travel here. Too much travel time for them to

visit me. I too, don't go into the city. Too many health issues and just enjoy the comfort of my own place. I've got my 

favorite who visits NYC every 2 or 3 months and we spend a nice amount of time together. Then I'm on my own which

isn't too bad. I guess I'm lucky to have found a way to survive.

 

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13 hours ago, Merboy said:

Maybe I should just join a gym to scope out the man candy, offer to buy some guy a drink, and just go for it.  If I'm looking for horny bodybuilders who just want to get a nut off, then maybe I should go where guys like that are.

Like most people, you're putting the cart before the horse.

As other people here have suggested, figure out your real issues first and then work on getting laid.  

Sure, you can be a creeper at a gym and risk getting thrown out or publically humiliated, or you can attempt to be a happier, healthier person by working through the real issues that you have.  They won't magically be fixed through hooking up. 

Emotional voids can't realistically be filled by Grindr.

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Add my voice to the chorus of members encouraging you to consider therapy. My most recent experience (in 2001 and 2002) was eye-opening insofar as it helped me realize what was important to me and helped me go out and get it. It also helped me know myself and understand what was important to me. As @jjkrkwood pointed out, there are therapists who accept insurance and others who have a sliding fee schedule based on ability to pay if money is an issue for you. You mentioned the lack of an LGBT center where you live, but you might want to research support and discussion groups, particularly those that operate online. I co-facilitated the Men's Coming Out Group in San Diego for several years and let me tell you many of our members had come out years before but they were looking for support and an outlet where they could discuss whatever topic was on their minds. I learned something new about myself every week. 

That said, a technique that has helped me is list-making. The concept is simple: write down all the things that are important to you as they come to mind. Then, put them in order from most important to least important. Refer back to that list (and add to it, if you need to) when you feel like your life isn't what you want it to be. Sometimes, we think we want something and upon reflection realize that it just isn't that important. The list can help clarify these things. 

Finally, while I agree that sex is not a cure-all, it could be worth your while to consider hiring a fella to provide that experience you are craving. It will take some time to find him (and he might not be in Boston) but that list-making exercise applies here, too. Start saving up now while you make your list of the things that are important to you. Then, find some guys who appeal to you physically and who whose ads indicate they would provide you with the experience you are looking for. Then, start asking for feedback and recommendations. 

I sincerely hope this helps.

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#1: get rid of that whore bag roommate of yours: Or at-least tell him no more guests for sex. people like that are toxic. I specifically let go of a friend (who was also a former roommate) earlier this year for that reason. We would plan trips together and share a hotel room, and immediately he would be on a quest to have 1 or 2 guys over. Occasionally I would even partake, but I'm not about to be a spectator to someone's sexual addiction. Eventually I had to separate because he was always on a sexual quest, and we weren't even fucking.

#2: stop fantasizing over artificial types of White men. Same with the guy mentioned above, he was always chasing White dick. I'm not trying to be racist, but the issue is people build this wall against themselves when they are constantly trying to put others of a certain look on a pedestal. All it does is perpetuate superiority complex, and does nothing to level out the gay community as a whole. 

#3: if Boston is not conducive to what you are needing, consider relocating. I know non of these are quick decisions...but maybe you'll find your place in a different state or city: Midwest, Arizona, even San Francisco (if you prefer big cities) all offer a smaller older community while having decent offerings.

I will say though, the guy pictured looks hmm hmm good! BUT, just know that a guy of that type is likely going to want someone of similar attributes.

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1 hour ago, rvwnsd said:

Add my voice to the chorus of members encouraging you to consider therapy. My most recent experience (in 2001 and 2002) was eye-opening insofar as it helped me realize what was important to me and helped me go out and get it. It also helped me know myself and understand what was important to me. As @jjkrkwood pointed out, there are therapists who accept insurance and others who have a sliding fee schedule based on ability to pay if money is an issue for you. You mentioned the lack of an LGBT center where you live, but you might want to research support and discussion groups, particularly those that operate online. I co-facilitated the Men's Coming Out Group in San Diego for several years and let me tell you many of our members had come out years before but they were looking for support and an outlet where they could discuss whatever topic was on their minds. I learned something new about myself every week. 

That said, a technique that has helped me is list-making. The concept is simple: write down all the things that are important to you as they come to mind. Then, put them in order from most important to least important. Refer back to that list (and add to it, if you need to) when you feel like your life isn't what you want it to be. Sometimes, we think we want something and upon reflection realize that it just isn't that important. The list can help clarify these things. 

Finally, while I agree that sex is not a cure-all, it could be worth your while to consider hiring a fella to provide that experience you are craving. It will take some time to find him (and he might not be in Boston) but that list-making exercise applies here, too. Start saving up now while you make your list of the things that are important to you. Then, find some guys who appeal to you physically and who whose ads indicate they would provide you with the experience you are looking for. Then, start asking for feedback and recommendations. 

I sincerely hope this helps.

 

While I agree with everything you said here, I am afraid since the OP is so consumed with Sex, that IF he has a pleasurable, knock his socks off experience with a hire, he might get "hooked" into a habit he cannot afford,  and perhaps forego  his "necessities" for his "pleasure"....?    We ALL know how aDicktive this hobby can be ? 

I am not quite sure, from reading his posts that this OP has his "priorities" str8 ?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Search this guy.  Frank P Vignola. 

He has YouTube channel and IG.  He is a life coach or counselor for gay men.  He has interesting things to say.  U can do sessions online or in person.  He is located in NY/NJ.  I have no connection to him.  But he's worth a look.  

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