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Escort perspectives on friends and hookup apps


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Do you feel having friends among clients/other providers is more or less better than having those outside of the industry?

I feel like hookup apps no longer serve a purpose for me. I think about “free time” and the idea of hooking up with guys my type from time to time, but I feel like I have enough interest and inquiries to ads, that I don’t have as much free time as it would appear. 
 

It seems like the quality of many gay interactions beyond clients and “good as close” friends just doesn’t interest me anymore. Particularly new ones. I’ve gone thru so much and so many changes over the past year. Friends and fuck buddies who I thought were good people, turned out not to be. I feel I’m at a place where I’m ready to devote my entire sex and social life exclusively around sex work. Is there others out here who can relate, or still recommend to keep a social life outside of clients, etc?

For example, I currently have 3 friends who are clients. Sometimes we have sessions, sometimes we don’t. But we still spend time at their house, however they are either 1.5 or 2 years my senior…so they aren’t into the nightlife and social mingling as much as I am, except for when it’s to do with their work or close friends and family. Some client friends I’ve come across tend to be in bed by like 9 or 10 p.m. And that’s when I want to seek out regular gay social circles. But it’s almost always about drugs, excess drinking, and people’s egos and drama. Not always the most productive scene to be around.

Not to mention, it’s just so much façade on the apps. Just in the last year, I’ve had 2 guys I come across go ghost, and I reach out down the line to tell me they are/were in a relationship. It’s like, why waste my time on the lies and bullshit? The vast majority of guys from hookup apps I fuck one time, and we never end up getting to fuck again. Why do I need such emptiness in my circle, when there’s clients willing to book more than one session over time?

Edited by Jarrod_Uncut
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It sounds like you’re at somewhat of a crossroads and having to make some tough choices about how you spend your time—I feel for you. Hopefully some providers can shed some light on your unique circumstances, certainly I can’t claim to understand or relate as a client/9-to-5’er. 

I do hope I can provide some small amount of perspective as someone making some similar decisions. If we leave out all of the complications that come out of your particular field of work and how that affects your relationships (hopefully that’s where the rest of the community can help!), I want to address one fundamental aspect: should you devote more of your life to your work, and focus on building the relationships you created through your work. 

For a long time I lived at one extreme. I devoted nearly my entire life to my work and the only relationships I had came from my work. Honestly it feels so easy and comfortable and convenient to live like that. I don’t have to take risks or experience charged social situations or make life-altering decisions or risk my career. The result though after years of that life is that it’s all pretty much a meaningless blur. The more I focused on my work the less time I had to do memorable things that made life worth living. I never built many truly meaningful deep relationships that were independent from my work where I could really share what I was going through personally. Ironically, the more time I spent at work the less productive I was.

Ever since then I’ve been clawing my way out of this hole. I work a sane number of hours and then completely disconnect so I’m not checking email/thinking about it all night. It’s still difficult to make friends outside of work because all I know how to talk about is my work, but that motivates me to do more with my life and create memories that last. And that’s not to say I don’t still have really important close relationships with people I know through my work, but that’s no longer 100% of my life. 

Ultimately I love my work and it sounds like you do too, but it can also contribute a lot of stress and anxiety. Maintaining boundaries between work and life and creating unique memories is worth it even when it’s hard and uncomfortable and messy at times.

Oh, and one more thing specifically about relationships with clients. I happen to be good friends with a provider, and sometimes we have sessions and other times we just hang out. No matter how comfortable I am with him and how close and meaningful our relationship is, regularly exchanging money and the social imbalance that creates will always weigh on my mind. I trust and respect him, but I’ll never truly know if the way he treats me is influenced by the money he wants from me. 

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Guest Justin7402

I'm not an escort so can't comment as far as the client/other provider side of things, but the rest of it seems like the kind of struggle a lot of people go through in making lasting friends.  A lot of it really depends on where you are and what your city is like, but if possible I'd try to get away from the apps and make friends who share interests in your city.  If you're into gaming find a gaymer group and go hang out there, if you like the nightlife find a smaller/quieter gay bar and chat up the regulars to make friends who go out for drinks a lot.  Most people who are on the hookup apps are there for sex, even when they say they aren't, and that makes it hard to make real relationships through those.  It's not impossible, but more often than not it'll be a one night stand.

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20 hours ago, Jarrod_Uncut said:

Do you feel having friends among clients/other providers is more or less better than having those outside of the industry?

I feel like hookup apps no longer serve a purpose for me. I think about “free time” and the idea of hooking up with guys my type from time to time, but I feel like I have enough interest and inquiries to ads, that I don’t have as much free time as it would appear. 
 

It seems like the quality of many gay interactions beyond clients and “good as close” friends just doesn’t interest me anymore. Particularly new ones. I’ve gone thru so much and so many changes over the past year. Friends and fuck buddies who I thought were good people, turned out not to be. I feel I’m at a place where I’m ready to devote my entire sex and social life exclusively around sex work. Is there others out here who can relate, or still recommend to keep a social life outside of clients, etc?

For example, I currently have 3 friends who are clients. Sometimes we have sessions, sometimes we don’t. But we still spend time at their house, however they are either 1.5 or 2 years my senior…so they aren’t into the nightlife and social mingling as much as I am, except for when it’s to do with their work or close friends and family. Some client friends I’ve come across tend to be in bed by like 9 or 10 p.m. And that’s when I want to seek out regular gay social circles. But it’s almost always about drugs, excess drinking, and people’s egos and drama. Not always the most productive scene to be around.

Not to mention, it’s just so much façade on the apps. Just in the last year, I’ve had 2 guys I come across go ghost, and I reach out down the line to tell me they are/were in a relationship. It’s like, why waste my time on the lies and bullshit? The vast majority of guys from hookup apps I fuck one time, and we never end up getting to fuck again. Why do I need such emptiness in my circle, when there’s clients willing to book more than one session over time?

Time to volunteer! I know you’ve expressed interest in helping other, in prior posts, Jarrod, so I found a link to check out.  
https://www.inclusivekc.org/

Meet real 3-D people! One night a week? 

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I find that some of my closest and most valuable friendships in life are with fellow escorts.  But I’m very selective about which escorts I will pursue a friendship with.  Escorts who are business-minded, driven, and understand the value of professional networking tend to be the ones I will gravitate toward.  There’s no way to tell from seeing someone online if they possess all these qualities, so I tend to meet people for lunch just to see if we are of a similar mindset, and then stay in touch (or not) depending on whether I think that they would be a positive influence to have in my life.  It’s valuable to have friends who work in the same industry to bounce things off of and be able to share experiences with, not to mention to go to in case you ever need help.  But only if you have a similar mindset about what it means to be an escort, how you operate professionally, etc.  I try not to judge anyone who escorts super differently than me for how they work, but the best friendships for me are the ones where we can push and support each other as colleagues which tends to work best when our mindsets are similar.

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On 7/24/2021 at 3:13 AM, HoleTrainer said:

I find that some of my closest and most valuable friendships in life are with fellow escorts.  But I’m very selective about which escorts I will pursue a friendship with.  Escorts who are business-minded, driven, and understand the value of professional networking tend to be the ones I will gravitate toward.  There’s no way to tell from seeing someone online if they possess all these qualities, so I tend to meet people for lunch just to see if we are of a similar mindset, and then stay in touch (or not) depending on whether I think that they would be a positive influence to have in my life.  It’s valuable to have friends who work in the same industry to bounce things off of and be able to share experiences with, not to mention to go to in case you ever need help.  But only if you have a similar mindset about what it means to be an escort, how you operate professionally, etc.  I try not to judge anyone who escorts super differently than me for how they work, but the best friendships for me are the ones where we can push and support each other as colleagues which tends to work best when our mindsets are similar.

Yes this resonates with me too. I’ve some good friends in the business who I can talk to candidly about sex work and know that they will completely understand what I’m talking about. It’s good to have that kind of support. 
Most people working for any length of time in the industry (as in professionals not dilettante sex workers) are kind and decent people who are good to associate with and some have become great friends but I do avoid any that don’t enhance my life. I think if you keep coming across people who are not positive for you then you need to change where you spend your time or reframe your mindset. 

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On 7/23/2021 at 12:43 AM, jeezifonly said:

Time to volunteer! I know you’ve expressed interest in helping other, in prior posts, Jarrod, so I found a link to check out.  
https://www.inclusivekc.org/

Meet real 3-D people! One night a week? 

Sounds interesting, but to be honest: I’m so over Kansas City. I’m not even there right now lol. I just don’t really like the scene there, there’s some nice guys here and there…but majority of gay guys I’ve met in KC come off nice on the surface, but are bitches when getting to know them. The client scene is rife with flakes, no shows, and the “unreliable regular.” 
 

I’m actually considering moving to Arkansas and met some people who could get me in the right direction if I want to.

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15 hours ago, Jarrod_Uncut said:

Sounds interesting, but to be honest: I’m so over Kansas City. I’m not even there right now lol. I just don’t really like the scene there, there’s some nice guys here and there…but majority of gay guys I’ve met in KC come off nice on the surface, but are bitches when getting to know them. The client scene is rife with flakes, no shows, and the “unreliable regular.” 
 

I’m actually considering moving to Arkansas and met some people who could get me in the right direction if I want to.

If leaving KC area market why not head to Chicago rather than  Arkansas? I would think a fresh uncut face might gather more traction.

Or does opposite hold true? Maybe the higher % of closeted men in rural areas result in more men who are into hiring over hookup app dates? 

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12 hours ago, jeezifonly said:

If leaving KC area market why not head to Chicago rather than  Arkansas? I would think a fresh uncut face might gather more traction.

Or does opposite hold true? Maybe the higher % of closeted men in rural areas result in more men who are into hiring over hookup app dates? 

Well…I was talking behind champagne and a couple of drinks last night after leaving a party that a client hosted, where a couple of people tentatively suggested looking into moving to the area. I can’t vouch and say I’d for sure be open to make that move. 
 

I was just in Chicago back in May, and I actually did enjoy myself and the clients I came across. But idk, Chicago is TOO much of a city for me (even though there’s tons of suburbs in Chicago that are like their own small town, which I did enjoy) Visiting is okay but it doesn’t seem like an easy place to get started independently. It’s an old city, rife with competition, and even though you don’t “need” a car in Chicago, I would definitely want to keep mine…but long as I don’t live in the city city of Chicago, it won’t be too expensive. 
 

That said, smaller markets can definitely offer more opportunities: less bullshitters and higher donations. But not always, and it varies state by state, town by town. Most small markets in Missouri are wastelands, but Kansas City and Saint Louis RentMen have far more escorts than there are reliable clients hiring. I’m not going to share my secrets online…but the small markets I like aren’t simply big cities with a small town/escort population. I’m talking wealthy, fairly remote enclaves far from the big cities that many guys don’t know about, but clients often “inspire” me to visit them. 

Edited by Jarrod_Uncut
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12 hours ago, Benjamin_Nicholas said:

Can I add something (but veer from the original concept a little...)

As an escort, what I'm seriously tired of are other escorts confusing RentMen with Grindr.  No bueno.

For me, when it goes into that territory, it's an immediate block.  I have zero time for that platform.

Elaborate what you mean confusing rentmen with Grindr? Like…hooking up with other escorts?

I totally get it too. Grindr banned me because some Pansy blocked and reported me, for sending him my Rentmen and business card with no rates on it (which I occasionally have done and picked up a client here and there…always when THEY hit me up first). I don’t have time for that either. Who has time for a site that promotes prostitution, but you can’t exchange money for it??? lol. I mean…the way people ask to send nudes and have partners who don’t (or do) know they’re on there, it’s everything like an escort site. 

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22 hours ago, Jarrod_Uncut said:

Elaborate what you mean confusing rentmen with Grindr? Like…hooking up with other escorts?

I totally get it too. Grindr banned me because some Pansy blocked and reported me, for sending him my Rentmen and business card with no rates on it (which I occasionally have done and picked up a client here and there…always when THEY hit me up first). I don’t have time for that either. Who has time for a site that promotes prostitution, but you can’t exchange money for it??? lol. I mean…the way people ask to send nudes and have partners who don’t (or do) know they’re on there, it’s everything like an escort site. 

Grindr banned me too. I never used it for hookups (ok maybe once I did when visiting Paris) but was just on there because it was a thing to do. The approaches were tiresome “hi”, “how’s you?” or just a dick pic of an ugly cock surrounded by untrimmed hair or worse, just a hole (frequently used by the looks of things). Who will respond to that kind of approach? Have some originality and intrigue when contacting me and you’ll get a reply.
Anyway my profile on Grindr was obviously a masseur for hire. The more intelligent user of the site recognised this - fine, that’s my kind of client - and then would ask about details so I could direct them to my website. Discussion would continue elsewhere via the contact details on website if they were genuinely interested. 
Someone must have complained though, probably couldn’t afford my rates, and so Grindr banned me. I’m not sorry because the time waster to genuine client ratio on there was enormous. They should have a section for classified ads though. They’re missing an opportunity. 

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On 7/26/2021 at 5:21 PM, Benjamin_Nicholas said:

Can I add something (but veer from the original concept a little...)

As an escort, what I'm seriously tired of are other escorts confusing RentMen with Grindr.  No bueno.

For me, when it goes into that territory, it's an immediate block.  I have zero time for that platform.

As a Grindr user I used to have very strong feelings about escorts working on Grindr...frequently blocking...until I met an escort on Grindr! 😁 He was completely upfront about it, which I appreciated and it ended up being a good experience for both of us. 

 

Fast forward six months - he became a regular and opened up a bit about how hard it is for him to have friends, as an escort. Folks aren't very open minded even here in the big city. (I am sure @Jarrod_Uncutcan relate!) He wanted to see if I would be interested in hanging out sometimes just as friends. Again he was very clear that sometimes he would have to bail on a friend's thing if a client called. Would I be cool with that? I never really thought about it much but as an owner/operator of his own small business, I now have a better understanding of what his life looks like. 

 

So far it had been good for both of us. We now have intimate appointments (I pay) and friend appointments (we both pay our share if we go out).  I am being very careful not to confuse the two and to be respectful of his time. He is doing the same. 

 

So Grindr gave me an excellent lover and a friend! Who knew?? 😊

Edited by KeepItReal
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On 7/27/2021 at 9:28 AM, Benjamin_Nicholas said:

Yep. 

Escorts trying to get laid by other escorts (or, 'trade comp sessions' as I've been told).  

I’ve done it before myself, here and there. Like if I knew the guy or we chatted for awhile or had a biz venture in mind. It’s just not something I do all the time though. 
 

Some escorts get frustrated with me because I don’t just be like up and ready to fuck when they want me to. I’m like dude, how the fuck you trying to boss me around and tell me when and where to be, this isn’t an appointment. If they trying to do a free hookup, they need to be willing to compromise and find out when a time works best for me. 
 

I had one guy in Tampa ask me to meet and make a JFF video, and we had been chatting over the months. But he wanted me to come at 10 am sharp. Because he was too busy and it was all about him. For extenuating reasons, I told him I couldn’t do that…but a later meet or later in week would work. Never ended up meeting.

So lately, I’ve not been pressed to meet with too many other escorts. And then one client all texting me the other week, talking about how nice and sweet another escort that I know, is. I was like, ummm…yeah but he’s also a bit abrasive and quick to force his opinions on others…so don’t have to convince me about someone who you pay, because that’s not behind the scenes.

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9 hours ago, KeepItReal said:

As a Grindr user I used to have very strong feelings about escorts working on Grindr...frequently blocking...until I met an escort on Grindr! 😁 He was completely upfront about it, which I appreciated and it ended up being a good experience for both of us. 

 

Fast forward six months - he became a regular and opened up a bit about how hard it is for him to have friends, as an escort. Folks aren't very open minded even here in the big city. (I am sure @Jarrod_Uncutcan relate!) He wanted to see if I would be interested in hanging out sometimes just as friends. Again he was very clear that sometimes he would have to bail on a friend's thing if a client called. Would I be cool with that? I never really thought about it much but as an owner/operator of his own small business, I now have a better understanding of what his life looks like. 

 

So far it had been good for both of us. We now have intimate appointments (I pay) and friend appointments (we both pay our share if we go out).  I am being very careful not to confuse the two and to be respectful of his time. He is doing the same. 

 

So Grindr gave me an excellent lover and a friend! Who knew?? 😊

How about you take this same message and send it to Grindr. Maybe then they won’t be so fucking trigger happy to ban people who simply tell members they are a paid provider 🤔 And like mentioned, they need to offer a paid provider section. 

Some guys are just bitches. What can they possibly get out of blocking and reporting someone? They act as if I came knocking on their door or hit them up first. I know exactly who did it too, but it’s like: they not hurting me honestly.

Plus, with Craigslist and backpage gone, there’s just so much hits from my ads…I rarely have time for Grindr. On top of that, I’m meeting decent looking guys from my ads just in the same. They may not be my “type” or exactly what I’d go for, but it’s not exactly a beauty contest. 

what gets me are all the quasi bi/guys out there who contact our ads. It’s becoming a new fantasy for me. However, the downside is many of these guys can’t sustain any type of off clock friendship. Even trying to get them to keep a booking can be a challenge

Edited by Jarrod_Uncut
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I love meeting others in the biz when I have time; firstly in public so I can get an idea of their personality, if they're business-minded as @HoleTrainer and @Jamie21 mentioned and not out to lunch mentally.  I've had to detach from a few toxic personalities (drugs/lifestyle choices) but I've had quite a few providers tag along for duo sessions in the past which is a great bonus of getting to know others in your area.  Beyond that, this whole business is compartmentalized and only let out when I'm not in my other field with mainstream friends/contacts.

If a provider was to contact me now (and some still do), I always make it clear that I'm probably not going to meet them in person due to scheduling issues but always down to chat/support.  

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