moonlight

I would guess that with most men, the damage of continued repression and regret would be greater than the negative aspects of being sexually active. There's a cost to repression that, for some, compounds over time like bad debt.

If you want to go down this route, it might be helpful to think of a stepwise approach, to gradually expose you to increasing levels of intimacy: 1) Start with completely therapeutic (non-sexual) massages. Become comfortable being naked (albeit draped) in front of someone, and with someone else touching you, in a non-sexual environment. You might want to start with a female therapist to remove any possible sexual connotation if the thought of a male therapist gives you anxiety and then progress from there. 2) Erotic massage from rentmasseur. No pressure to perform on your part. You can see where the session goes and gently state your boundaries if it goes too far for you. Find a masseur well-reviewed on this site. You could mention to him during the session that you're newly out. IMO, no need to share info like that prior to meeting (or at all). 3) Rentmen. Might be helpful to find someone who in their profile says they welcome first-timers. Here I think it would be appropriate to briefly explain your situation and what you're looking for. Be direct and succinct in your message. Though if you feel like you're ready to go to #3 I don't see a problem with that.

What's a reasonable travel radius or drive time for outcalls? In other words, at what point should extra travel fees be offered (or requested) on top of normal outcall fee? I think NYC might be a different beast here. More curious about metros where driving around is the norm. Any thoughts?

Yeah, I would pay that 1k and I know I'm not alone. I'm actually surprised he offers at all because he's probably very successful on OF.

Sorry about your illness Canceling in this case would make me trust you more, especially with an explanation about how you don't want to get anyone sick. You did the right thing. If I met with someone with an obvious case of a cold/flu or worse it would be my last meeting with them and I would probably complain about it here.

Clearly people have different opinions regarding boundaries and privacy. It seems rather subjective to me in that regard. If you don't contemplate those things at all, then sure.

Fair point, @pubic_assistance. It's not that I'm closeted, just closeted about hiring. But thanks to this site, I'm reconsidering many of my privacy concerns.

@Simon Suraci Thanks a lot for your thoughts. I appreciate it. I would not describe us as more than "classmates" in the past. He would have known my name at the time, and we probably interacted a handful of times. Really nothing more. He moved away during high school and I haven't seen him since. We're not in the same circles now and really no chance of us being in the same circles. Really, my concern was that I know his real name. I know his background. And vice versa. That could spook him and it spooks me a bit. But you're right, people acquire thousands of acquaintances over a lifetime. Things like this are bound to happen. More than anything, I'm surprised I made the connection at all. It felt like something coming from the deepest recesses of my mind. Maybe I won't close the door on this completely. But at a minimum I'm going to give it a lot of time and distance.

So, I slept on this decision. Woke up, and it was clear to me: I'm not gonna do this. Another factor here is that it looks like this guy has taken a lot of steps to lock down his online exposure. That tells me that privacy is important to him. So I'm making the decision to respect his privacy, and frankly my own boundaries too. But damn, my dick is still leaking precum at the thought. This took some willpower. Thanks everyone for your help here.

It's both but mostly the latter (I realize the risk of that is small, but still a risk when money and feelings get involved). I'm careful to guard my identity and value privacy highly for professional reasons. Typing that out, I realize it would be ridiculous to hire someone who could very well identify me from the start. This is just painful for me because I've never seen a profile before that checks all of my boxes so completely. Damn. I don't think I could dream up a better fit. C'est la vie.

Some additional context: The image of his abs in the locker room has been seared into my brain for a while. It's an early gay memory for me. We did not interact much back then. He's also local so could be a regular if the stars aligned. But I'm inclined to agree with you, @ApexNomad. My brain is telling me not to do this even though my dick is leaking precum at the thought of meeting. I think I'm just going to give this some time for my feelings to process.

Thanks. This is what my gut says.

I would appreciate a provider's perspective on this @BenjaminNicholas @Simon Suraci I'm conflicted. I want his privacy to be respected, I want my privacy to be respected, and I don't want to deceive. But I feel like meeting could be mind-blowing.

Would you two just not say anything to him about it?

There's definitely a chance he might not. But just like he has a unique identifier, so do I. There's also my accent which might jog his memory. Plus, I would feel too weird concealing from him that I knew him. I kind of feel like that should be divulged as part of full consent.

I'm shook. Come across a RM profile and this guy is PERFECT. He checks ALL the boxes for me. We're about the same age. I'm super excited. Contacted him to plan a meeting in a few days. Very pleasant guy, and I could tell that's he's smart, too. There's something about him that reminded me of someone I grew up with, in a very different part of the country. I hadn't thought about this guy for over 20 years. And then I stopped cold. What if.... Googled the name. Yeah. That's him. Of course I'm not going to go forward now. Even if he's cool with it (doubtful) I'm not cool with him knowing all about me. It's really a shame. I'd honestly never been so sure of wanting to meet someone before. Yeah, I had a crush on him long ago. Sorry, not a question. Just had to vent. WWYD?

I think both of those, and perhaps generalized technological ineptitude. Thanks for offering Telegram as an option.

I can't. It really is the hypothetical that nags at me. Because a single issue would put my ability to earn my income at risk. It's like, if there's a 0.1% chance of something happening, and if it does happen it could really ruin your life, does it make sense to take some extra steps to protect yourself? For me, in my situation, yes. An app that makes communication secure provides that extra assurance for me and probably for others too. I just want to cover my tail risk, which in my experience is something that most people don't take seriously or even think about.

Which makes me wonder why Signal isn't the default. I think there's a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation when it comes to this topic. And probably, lots of guys for whom that level of privacy isn't a priority.

Right now, there are only 21 men worldwide on RM who advertise they use Signal, with some saying it's their preferred method of communication.

Yeah, this. Signal is literally unable to comply with subpoenas that request content of messages. They will fight the subpoena, and if they lose, all they can hand over is the date the account was created and when it was last active since that's all the info they have. Signal is really the gold standard here and I don't understand why it isn't more common for privacy concerns. The app has additional features like disappearing (self-destruct) messages. Sure, nothing is probably "perfect". But the barrier/threshold is so much higher with an app like Signal that it seems like a no brainer to me.

Apps like Signal, Whatsapp, Telegram. Many clients prioritize discretion and privacy (as do providers), and end-to-end encrypted messaging greatly helps facilitate that instead of regular texting. Why isn't this common in the US? Whatsapp at least is more common abroad. Maybe the risk is already perceived as so low that most just don't care. If I were retired or close to it I wouldn't care, but I'm not, and these apps seem to offer a big upside with little downside.

Does anyone have different tipping practices when it comes to masseurs vs. deli providers? For some reason it feels awkward for me not to tip after a massage, probably because I've received so many therapeutic ones at established spas where tipping is always an expectation. With a deli encounter I don't feel that same baseline pressure.

@Whippoorwill, I'd like to purchase your autobiography. Those stories are great. Pre-revolutionary Iran, post-legalization India... that really runs the gamut. And I happen to like smut that comes with a history lesson or two.

Welcome to the forum.