Out and About

[BasketBaller]

I've posted extensively about my empty nest in another thread, my sons all being away at college now. I'll leave discussion of family life in that thread so those uninterested can avoid it, but being on my own has made it possible for me to pursue a social life that takes my sexual attraction to men into account, something I'll tell the boys when I have a better idea how this is going to work.

 

So I started dipping my toes into the water back in September. I've been playing basketball now and then with a gay sports group, casual games, I can't commit to joining a league because of work-related travel, but this is fine for now. Nice friendly guys, including a couple of other fathers. It hasn't really turned into much of a social thing, but that may be me not being open enough.

 

Somehow, my vision of being openly gay involved bars, I guess because of how often gay bars figure in porn. So, I decided I'd go see for myself. A little research turned up Nellie's a gay sports bar in DC-- sounds perfect. So back in September I tried to guess how men dress to go to a gay bar (or any bar, I'm not much of a bar-goer). I settled on khakis and a button-down shirt, which turned out to make me the preppiest guy in the place, but it wasn't bad. Nice enough place, lots of types of people there-- including lots of drunk straight women! There were two bachelorette parties there. This is a thing? Women go to gay bars for these parties?

 

Anyway, I had a beer and wandered around. People seemed nice but I realized I have almost no experience meeting people in bars. I was engaged before I was 21-- I cruised for women on campus, at games, in parks, but never in a bar. (I wasn't particularly there to cruise, but I was open to something happening, and had prepared just in case.)

 

I guess I need a refresher course in flirting, or something. The only person I recognized as coming on to me was one of the drunk bridesmaids. But I watched four guys play darts for a while, and when one left, the others invited me to play. It was perhaps my first time casually hanging out with gay men and it felt good. When there was a shriek from the bachelorettes, one of the guys asked me if I was their designated driver. I said no, and asked why, and he said a husband or boyfriend usually comes along, so he had assumed that was me since I was "probably the only straight guy in the place."

 

Okay, not what I had prepared myself for, but I laughed it off and finished the game. There was a baseball game on, and I stood and watched for a while and talked with some guys watching too. After a couple of hours I left, and went home bemused by my rustiness and need to explore other aspects of gay life. But I had a good time, and I've been back (I watched two World Series games there). More to come, and I have some questions for you guys.

[+ poolboy48220]

I think you may find a lot of us are in that boat. Growing up knowing I was gay, I didn't try to date girls. I did get asked to Sadie Hawkins :-) A lot of us who come out late in life (36 for me) don't know how to date, flirt, whatever.

[BasketBaller]

I think you may find a lot of us are in that boat. Growing up knowing I was gay, I didn't try to date girls. I did get asked to Sadie Hawkins A lot of us who come out late in life (36 for me) don't know how to date, flirt, whatever.

That makes sense. Plus, I so strongly tried to avoid the truth that I got very good at keeping my eyes to myself, and eye contact is a big part of flirting. I think straight men look at each other less, maybe that's what made theone guy assume I was straight.

 

I've asked my main question before, and I know there's no real answer. But given that I have a strong preference for bottoming, how do you tell who's a top? Are there hints you can give about your preferred role? Or do you just hope for the best and stick to oral if you both turn out to be bottoms? I've read about the old hanky code and I kind of wish it was still a thing!

[MikeyGMin]

There were two bachelorette parties there. This is a thing? Women go to gay bars for these parties?

Unfortunately this is a thing. An extremely annoying thing that some bars are beginning to push back on. I am by no means a woman-hater, but I am very much a bachelorette party hater.

 

It's by no means universal. I do see guys hook up at bars, but it's not at all like it used to be. These days, like it or not, people use the apps to hook up. They generally go out to the bars with their friends, so you need to be smoking hot to lure someone away from the people they came with. At least that has been my experience over the last several years. A "lone wolf" out cruising ends up holding up a wall and looking a bit out of place.

[+ Charlie]

One of the advantages of being a gay man is that one can be top or bottom, depending on your general inclination, your mood at the moment, or the situation. It's not like being unable to fit square pegs in round holes, so to speak. All you can do is make some connection, see if there is a spark of sexual attraction, and do whatever makes both of you comfortable. BTW, not everyone finds oral sex as the default position.

[+ friendofsheila]

• Somehow, my vision of being openly gay involved bars, I guess because of how often gay bars figure in porn.

• 
  

I, personally, wish it were otherwise, how much bars figure into gay social life (at least the media makes it look that way).

[marylander1940]

Unfortunately this is a thing. An extremely annoying thing that some bars are beginning to push back on. I am by no means a woman-hater, but I am very much a bachelorette party hater.

 

It's by no means universal. I do see guys hook up at bars, but it's not at all like it used to be. These days, like it or not, people use the apps to hook up. They generally go out to the bars with their friends, so you need to be smoking hot to lure someone away from the people they came with. At least that has been my experience over the last several years. A "lone wolf" out cruising ends up holding up a wall and looking a bit out of place.

 

True but technology has made hookups easier, the long wolf can just stay home and attract man into his place. Besides if there's a will, there's a way... a guy can hit someone on Grindr, make plans and tell his friends he's sick or he has to work early in the morning.

 

Must have good pics!

[+ friendofsheila]

I guess I need a refresher course in flirting, or something.

 

Did you ever need one before? Because I can't imagine the basic techniques could have changed that much, for doing it in person anyway.

[BluDay]

I settled on khakis and a button-down shirt, which turned out to make me the preppiest guy in the place, but it wasn't bad

 

me since I was "probably the only straight guy in the place."

 

Just as aside: I find it hilarious that the preppiest guy in a gay bar is assumed to be straight.

[+ Travis69]

Did you tell the guys who you were playing darts with that you were gay when they made the comment about you being the straightest looking guy there? If not, why not? I would also look for a totally gay bar like JRs to go to. Anyone in DC have a better suggestion for a bar?

[MartyB]

I've posted extensively about my empty nest in another thread, my sons all being away at college now. I'll leave discussion of family life in that thread so those uninterested can avoid it, but being on my own has made it possible for me to pursue a social life that takes my sexual attraction to men into account, something I'll tell the boys when I have a better idea how this is going to work.

 

So I started dipping my toes into the water back in September. I've been playing basketball now and then with a gay sports group, casual games, I can't commit to joining a league because of work-related travel, but this is fine for now. Nice friendly guys, including a couple of other fathers. It hasn't really turned into much of a social thing, but that may be me not being open enough.

 

Somehow, my vision of being openly gay involved bars, I guess because of how often gay bars figure in porn. So, I decided I'd go see for myself. A little research turned up Nellie's a gay sports bar in DC-- sounds perfect. So back in September I tried to guess how men dress to go to a gay bar (or any bar, I'm not much of a bar-goer). I settled on khakis and a button-down shirt, which turned out to make me the preppiest guy in the place, but it wasn't bad. Nice enough place, lots of types of people there-- including lots of drunk straight women! There were two bachelorette parties there. This is a thing? Women go to gay bars for these parties?

 

Anyway, I had a beer and wandered around. People seemed nice but I realized I have almost no experience meeting people in bars. I was engaged before I was 21-- I cruised for women on campus, at games, in parks, but never in a bar. (I wasn't particularly there to cruise, but I was open to something happening, and had prepared just in case.)

 

I guess I need a refresher course in flirting, or something. The only person I recognized as coming on to me was one of the drunk bridesmaids. But I watched four guys play darts for a while, and when one left, the others invited me to play. It was perhaps my first time casually hanging out with gay men and it felt good. When there was a shriek from the bachelorettes, one of the guys asked me if I was their designated driver. I said no, and asked why, and he said a husband or boyfriend usually comes along, so he had assumed that was me since I was "probably the only straight guy in the place."

 

Okay, not what I had prepared myself for, but I laughed it off and finished the game. There was a baseball game on, and I stood and watched for a while and talked with some guys watching too. After a couple of hours I left, and went home bemused by my rustiness and need to explore other aspects of gay life. But I had a good time, and I've been back (I watched two World Series games there). More to come, and I have some questions for you guys.

Your post is one one the reasons I really enjoy this forum. Can't find this honesty anywhere else. I can identify with all you've said here. Difference for me is I only see escorts. Great sex no drama and tons of fun. I keep it simple and fun. Not for everyone. I'm just not interested in relationships just great sex with a man who makes me feel great.

[+ sniper]

When I was first dipping my toe in the water I would go to a bar after work. Little did I know that gay men don't go out until 11pm even on weeknights. I'd be the only person there except for a 70-year-old alcoholic in the corner, say to myself "I guess I am the only one" and go home.

 

There are two gay rugby teams and you don't need to play to get involved with them or go to their social events - the DC Renegades and the DC Scandals. I think the latter may be "more" gay as it split off from the Renegades. But Renegades had a lot of military when the team was founded during Don't Ask Don't Tell - so they have generally been a little quieter about being a predominantly gay team than I think some might have liked. The competitive season is over but they will likely both be having fundraisers all winter as the Bingham Cup 2018 is in Amsterdam in June. Age range for the gay rugby teams is college age to 50s.

[nate_sf]

You went to a bar alone, which takes nerve. Well done! I've been going to bars for 30 years now and I still don't like going alone, though I've gotten to the place where I can stand it. I still prefer to go with friends but will go alone if I'm in a city where I don't know anyone and just want to be around people.

 

If you find yourself in a situation like with the guys with the darts, next time just try saying, "this is only the second (or third...) time I've ever been to a gay bar." Just blurt it out before you can think too much about it. We've all been there at some point, and my bet is you'll make some new friends fast. Whether those are friends for action or just social friends, you never know. And unfortunately there is no way of knowing who will be top, bottom or vers until the moment of truth (or unless you ask).

 

The gay sports leagues seem like a good option, and my bet is the more you go and people see you, the more people will approach you to get to know you.

[+ poolboy48220]

I do go to the bar alone a lot, but it's one I've gone to for years, so I'm very likely to find someone there that I know and can chat with. And the bartenders know me.

[BasketBaller]

Did you ever need one before? Because I can't imagine the basic techniques could have changed that much, for doing it in person anyway.

I didn't but it was a long time ago, and I was a boy flirting with girls. The techniques may or may not have changed, but the context certainly has!

[BasketBaller]

Did you tell the guys who you were playing darts with that you were gay when they made the comment about you being the straightest looking guy there? If not, why not? I would also look for a totally gay bar like JRs to go to. Anyone in DC have a better suggestion for a bar?

I said I'm not straight but it was my first time in a gay bar, and they said, "Congratulations!" I didn't go into details, maybe I should have explained more. The only other place I've tried is The Green Lantern, which maybe felt more like a fit. I don't know if I'll ever really be a bar guy, but it feels good to be in a crowd of gay men even if I just nurse a drink and watch the crowd.

[+ Charlie]

If you enjoy participating in sports. there is also the Gay and Lesbian Tennis Association (GLTA), which is a great place to meet people while getting exercise. If you don't know how to play, you can take lessons or clinics, which are fun, too. It's healthier than hanging around in bars. (I thought I was too old to start playing at 62--tennis, that is--but it changed my life for the better.)

[BasketBaller]

If you enjoy participating in sports. there is also the Gay and Lesbian Tennis Association (GLTA), which is a great place to meet people while getting exercise. If you don't know how to play, you can take lessons or clinics, which are fun, too. It's healthier than hanging around in bars. (I thought I was too old to start playing at 62--tennis, that is--but it changed my life for the better.)

That sounds like a good fit, and I do want to branch out from just basketball. I'm tempted to try the Washington Wetskins, a water polo group. I've never played that, but I love to swim.

[BasketBaller]

Just as aside: I find it hilarious that the preppiest guy in a gay bar is assumed to be straight.

Ha! Most of the guys there were in skinny jeans or shorts and wore t-shirts or tank tops.

[+ nycman]

Not a bad start...for a preppy "straight" dork.

 

Just kidding. I'm proud of you for taking the first baby steps.

Remember, none of us were born into "gay" culture. We've all

had to stumble in the dark and find our way. Some of us did it

at 18 and some of us are just crossing the threshold for the

first time at 80.

 

There is no "right" way.

Give it time.

Be open to meeting new people.

Learn to embrace all the colors of the rainbow.

Relax.

Have Fun.

Say "yes".

 

How do you solve the “top/bottom” mismatch?

 

Plain and simple in your opening line...

 

“Hi my name is XXXX...I’m a bottom”

 

The bottoms will drop you like a hot potato.....

and the tops will buy you a drink...or three.

[+ bigjoey]

That sounds like a good fit, and I do want to branch out from just basketball. I'm tempted to try the Washington Wetskins, a water polo group. I've never played that, but I love to swim.

 

There are gay groups for just about every sport: baseball. running and biking, too. Then there are things like the different gay men's chorus groups. Lots of ways to meet people beside bars.

[+ poolboy48220]

I credit the local gay swim team with playing a huge part in my coming out. Great group of people, lots of social activity.

[BasketBaller]

I was also considering looking for some volunteer activity in the community, any suggestions?

[+ nycman]

I credit the local gay swim team with playing a huge part in my coming out. Great group of people, lots of social activity.

Suddenly your nom de plume has more meaning.....

 

And.....when do we get to see the speedo pics?

[+ nycman]

I was also considering looking for some volunteer activity in the community, any suggestions?

 

I would suggest starting with your natural talents and interests and go from there.

 

e.g. if your a lawyer....look for an LGBT group that offers fee legal aid to the community.

 

Otherwise, just jump into whatever strikes your fancy. You can’t really go wrong.

I’ve worked with the AIDS Rides in the past and it’s been tremendously rewarding.

It’s nice because it a compact limited commitment. I’m not great at things like working

in the soup kitchen every Wednesday at 2pm....for 10 years.