Gay Repellent

[CuriousByNature]

I have to give up Drakkar Noir?  

[TonyDown]

On 10/17/2024 at 7:54 AM, Rudynate said:

If you have all these "A" gays to run with, what is your issue?  Just don't worry about the ghetto gays.

Sometimes emotional intelligence and personality can make or break building solid friendships.  Not everyone knows how.

 

 

[+ friendofsheila]

On 10/14/2024 at 5:40 AM, pubic_assistance said:

Yup. I'm also Pennsylvania Deitsch. Grew up religious conservative. Moved to NYC at 25 years old. 28 years later I still have very few gay friends. I am however bisexual myself and married with kids..but identified as "gay" in my late 20s...and did all the night clubs / sex clubs and had lots of gay friends at one time. Unfortunately my experience is that gays are not as loyal as my straight friends unless you're a complete clone of themselves.

If you don't spend all your time doing "gay things" they will abandon you. Try having a couple of kids and they will all send expensive baby gifts, beautifully wrapped and then you will never hear from them again. 😕

It's mostly (in MY experience) a lifestyle overlap issue. If you don't hang out every night at the local gay bar and go to every Broadway show, they don't know how to socialize with you...so they don't.

Most of the few gay friends that I DO still have tend to be highly educated, and well traveled and more interested in life outside the gay bar. Those are hard to find...but they're out there. Even on C.o.M. I have cyber-met a few nice fellows who take an interest in my life in spite of it being different from their own, while the small majority can get pretty nasty and dismissive when you disagree with them.

 

This makes me understandy why it's been hard to keep gay friends (I don't smoke, drink, drugs, night life, have money for trips, etc.)  

(I remember going to a party, where there were the gay people who were part of the "club scene" and some more non-club gay and straight peeople from work.  The "club" people would NOT talk to the others, and were really uncomfortable when they did with strangers, one bowing out weirdly at the first gap in conversation.  They chatted up wonderfully though with the people they knew already)

even when I try to be friends with straight people and am willing to help out with their kids, do their kid-related things, they seem to want people areound them who have the same house/kids/spouse situation. 

Thanks for saying this, PA.  It helped me.

[+ KensingtonHomo]

On 10/16/2024 at 1:44 PM, pubic_assistance said:

Which is what I'm saying. Some gay men spend ALL their time disassociating themselves from the rest of humanity and only want to be in an all gay environment. SO they can't function with mainstream people and won't.  My wife and I aren't even what you'd call mainstream but once we had kids 90% of the gay friends disappeared.

Honestly, as a child-free gay guy, my experience is 180 degrees from this. Nearly every friend I have who had children more or less vanished on me, whether straight or gay. I occasionally - like once a month on average go to a gay club - and we do see theater and musicals, etc. But none of that prevents me from attending a kid's birthday party. I'm also the oldest of 19 first cousins and have a 6-year-old nephew (who is the light of my life). 

The main issue I note is that a lot of my friends who are parents are overwhelmed with their kids' schedules. And several have moved to a suburb- which I have offered to visit. At the same time, I'm very friendly with many parents in our co-op, but their having kids prevents them from socializing. 

I don't think it's really about gays versus straights so much as parents versus child-free lifestyles. 

[pubic_assistance]

13 hours ago, friendofsheila said:

The "club" people would NOT talk to the others, and were really uncomfortable when they did with strangers, one bowing out weirdly at the first gap in conversation.  

Exactly my experience. The party-gays seem to be more clique-ish than the mean-girls were in High School.

[marylander1940]

40 or 30 years ago the community was a big part of our lives, friends, neighborhood, gentrification, etc. Many folks weren't just accepted back home and had to flee to a big city to create a life of their own.  As gay acceptance and developed, we started to create our own community with friends who share our stats specially age and looks. Folks nowadays don't need to live in the gayborhood to be safe or be in the closet, they also have more straight friends and they're open to them too. 

Unlike straight people gay men still have friends / hookups / fuckbuddies of different socio-economic background. 

 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

46 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Exactly my experience. The party-gays seem to be more clique-ish than the mean-girls were in High School.

I feel like "party gays" are their own species. Circuit party types are not really amenable to being friends with people outside that world. It's like the Fire Island gays versus Provincetown gays (we're the latter). 

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

32 minutes ago, KensingtonHomo said:

It's like the Fire Island gays versus Provincetown gays (we're the latter). 

This is an astute comparison

There's a world of difference (which is why I don't often go to FI anymore).

[pubic_assistance]

2 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

It's like the Fire Island gays versus Provincetown gays (we're the latter). 

I've been to Fire Island, ( both the Pines and the Grove ) but never been to Provincetown..what's the difference ? 🤔

[marylander1940]

8 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

I've been to Fire Island, ( both the Pines and the Grove ) but never been to Provincetown..what's the difference ? 🤔

Older crowd usually in shape or should I say in better shape than straight men their age, plenty of money, some of them with children, and some lesbians too.

I'm sure you'd be very popular in the dick dock...

This isn't a demographic statistic. Some people might have a different perspective of Ptown.

[pubic_assistance]

31 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

Older crowd usually in shape or should I say in better shape than straight men their age, plenty of money, some of them with children, and some lesbians too.

Then I'm confused. Fire Island was definitely full of older-in-shape men with money. ( At least in the Pines ) The Grove was full of Lesbians. I didn't see many children. That's the only difference I hear.

[+ Charlie]

Fire Island and P-town were both a part of my life when I was much younger, so I don't know how much they may have changed in the past half century. However, my sense of the two was that FI (i.e., Cherry Grove) was strictly a resort, whereas P-town was an actual community, where a large percentage of the residents and visitors happened to be gay. I went to Cherry Grove to have sex; I went to P-town to socialize.

[+ nycman]

9 hours ago, Charlie said:

I went to Cherry Grove to have sex

I never knew you were a lesbian.

grin

[+ sniper]

I'm such a bad gay. Never been to Fire Island OR ptown. Partly because they seem like a hassle to get to and 20+years of commuting drastically reduced my tolerance for that. 

[+ ApexNomad]

1 hour ago, sniper said:

I'm such a bad gay. Never been to Fire Island OR ptown. Partly because they seem like a hassle to get to and 20+years of commuting drastically reduced my tolerance for that. 

We still love you!

[misterhumphries]

On 10/14/2024 at 10:29 AM, Charlie said:

Leaving out the "gay," do you have any real friends? Where did you find them? How do you keep them? What is it about them that makes you consider them "friends"? It's hard to believe you can't find more people like them who also happen to be gay. My friends are usually people with whom I share common interests and values, and I have usually met them as a result of having similar backgrounds and experiences, regardless of their sexual orientation.

But you can't leave out the "gay" because the original post was about not having GAY friends.

I, too, share the original poster's dearth of friends who are gay. I've occasionally lamented this, but I accept that real life is not an episode of "Will and Grace" or "Looking" or "Noah's Arc". 

Add to my situation that I'm a black gay man. Racism and separatism is rife among the alleged gay "community." My fellow black gay men are so deep in denial that they are gay (still in the grip of internalized homophobia) that they are furtive, laconic, and ill at ease around in situations where gayness may be inferred. I used to volunteer to man our gay/lesbian switchboard. During orientation training, first ice-breaker question was to self-identify who was single or not. Whom one screws or wishes he could screw has nothing to do with friendship. This is why I tell men who want claim to want to be friends first and see what happens romantically, once they are my friend zone, they will NEVER become my lovers.

One of the gay "friends" I thought I'd made showed me otherwise. He stated he refused to introduce me to his fat white boyfriend because he thought I would steal his boyfriend! After two years of acquaintanceship, it was like this "friend" knew nothing about me at all.

Edited October 26, 2024 by misterhumphries

[misterhumphries]

On 10/25/2024 at 12:11 PM, pubic_assistance said:

I've been to Fire Island, ( both the Pines and the Grove ) but never been to Provincetown..what's the difference ? 🤔

Y'all arousing my curiosity. I got disinvited from a weekend in P-town by my ex. He was going for an AA jamboree of some kind, so the trip wasn't going to be a laugh a minute! I tend to distance myself from gay ghettos such as P-town, Fire Island and those LGBTQ-themed cruises (floating bathhouses). Maybe I've been too hasty in writing off such venues...

Edited October 26, 2024 by misterhumphries

[pubic_assistance]

27 minutes ago, misterhumphries said:

I tend to distance myself from gay ghettos such as P-town, Fire Island and those LGBTQ-themed cruises

I can't speak for P-town but Fire Island is beautiful and unique even if you DON'T go there to snort a lot of meth and fuck a bunch of strangers in the bushes.

[+ friendofsheila]

On 10/25/2024 at 5:13 AM, KensingtonHomo said:

 

I don't think it's really about gays versus straights so much as parents versus child-free lifestyles. 

yes, and just because we're gay doesn't mean we are going to freak out if we have to spend time doing kid things with them.

but parents think we gays are all Quentin Crisp.

[+ friendofsheila]

41 minutes ago, misterhumphries said:

 I used to volunteer to man our gay/lesbian switchboard. During orientation training, first ice-breaker question was to self-identify who was single or not. Whom one screws or wishes he could screw has nothing to do with friendship.

and doesn't have anyting to do with how to man a switchboard.   I hate icebreakers like this.

[+ friendofsheila]

On 10/14/2024 at 3:30 AM, ericwinters said:

Are any of you in a similar bucket as me?

 

thank you eric for opening a topic so helpful.   it's opened up beyond your original intention.  I hope you dont' feel pushed out of the converstaiton. 

[misterhumphries]

54 minutes ago, friendofsheila said:

thank you eric for opening a topic so helpful.   it's opened up beyond your original intention.  I hope you dont' feel pushed out of the converstaiton. 

I hope so, too. The responses do tend to illustrate that there are issues with cultivating and maintaining gay people as friends -- unfortunately. So Eric may take cold comfort from the fact that he's not alone in his dearth of gay friends.  But why should being gay make one more tolerant or welcoming? In the end, people are just people.

[pubic_assistance]

3 hours ago, misterhumphries said:

Eric may take cold comfort from the fact that he's not alone in his dearth of gay friends.

I think this thread may help a lot of us who may have struggled with keeping friends who happen to be gay.

 

[+ friendofsheila]

On 10/14/2024 at 3:30 AM, ericwinters said:

But seriously, does anyone else identify with me?

Yes. When I was younger, to other gay men, I felt like I was either an opportunity for sex, compettition for sex, or someone to ignore because they didn't want sex with me. 

So I had gay friends, but they often didn't last after the other person found a way to get the sex they wanted from elsehwere. 

 

 

Edited October 27, 2024 by friendofsheila

[rvwnsd]

On 10/14/2024 at 3:30 AM, ericwinters said:

.. But I've never been one of those guys that hung out in the gay pack of guys at the club, sauna, beach, and so on...

 

On 10/14/2024 at 5:37 AM, ApexNomad said:

... Not every gay person finds themselves in the typical social circles or ‘gay packs’ often associated with the LGBTQ+ community....

I think the "gay pack" is more stereotypical than it is typical. However, your point still stands - not everyone has a large friend group. 

On 10/14/2024 at 5:37 AM, ApexNomad said:

Everyone’s experience is different. Being out doesn’t necessarily mean gravitating toward certain spaces or groups—some people don’t feel connected to the club or sauna culture, etc. and that’s okay.

What you’re describing sounds like more of a personal preference in how you connect with others. It’s important to find the types of friendships that feel authentic to you, regardless of whether they align with the more common social experiences of other gay men. Have you found spaces where you can relate to people on a deeper level, outside of just sexuality—like shared hobbies, work, volunteer groups, or even online communities focused on things you’re passionate about?

It’s about finding what feels comfortable and meaningful for you.

THIS! I've always had a few very close friends and value that over a large group of superficial "friends."

On 10/14/2024 at 3:30 AM, ericwinters said:

...But seriously, does anyone else identify with me?

Somewhat, insofar as I don't have a huge group of friends. On the other hand, I really don't because I recognize that having a "pack" is not my thing.