Interest or "microagression"?

[Guest]

My fiance and I are on this Mediterranean cruise, and the two most handsome men on the cruise are this gorgeous couple from Virginia. Perhaps the most handsome man is very exotic (and chiseled) looking. When I first saw him, I thought his ethnicity might be southern Asian, like from the Indian subcontinent (my beau thought the same). However, we exchanged names/numbers, and his last name was of a Hispanic or Latino origin. We were discussing our admiration of him over dinner, wondering if he might be half Latino and half southern Asian. However, as my man pointed out, "You can't ask people about their ethnicity these days; it's considered offensive." Some years ago, I remember a lecture we all had to go to at work, in which a black woman discussed "microagressions." 

She said asking someone about their ethnic background constitutes an offensive "microagression." I was shocked to hear that, since all of those years, I'd asked that question because I was genuinely interested in their background, since I love to hear about various cultures, languages, etc. However, I became somewhat reluctant to ask those questions from then on. A professor of medicine, she also said she was offended if someone asked her while she was in the grocery store if she knew how to find an item. "I was dressed professionally, as I am now, yet that person thought I worked for the grocery store because I'm black." I've been asked if I knew how to find things as well, and I always assumed it was because I had a friendly/helpful demeanor, and had never taken this type of query as an insult. 

Are some people to quick to take offense, these days? Or is it me who's out of touch? Now I feel as if I shouldn't ask anyone if they can help me find an item in the store unless they're white. What's your take?

 

[pubic_assistance]

32 minutes ago, Unicorn said:

You can't ask people about their ethnicity these days; it's considered offensive.

I haven't run into a problem ( yet ).

I aak people about their ancestry all the time.

NYC is full of people from all over the world so it's a natural conversation starter.

I just avoid asking black people because the majority of American blacks  would find that question to be insensitive for obvious reasons. But people who are more recently from Africa will proudly discuss the tribes they descended from.

I think that would be very sad if wokeism made that impossible to ask. I find these conversations fascinating, especially when you meet people with unusual combinations of ethnicity.

[Xavitv]

It’s not particularly offensive, but I think that it’s a question that should be part of a conversation but not the start of a conversation. 

you wouldn’t necessarily ask a non “exotic” person where they’re from or not as interested. 

[+ ThroatCummer]

It's really all about positioning the question and the interaction itself. I've asked this question close to 200-300 times, and never once had a single person react badly. 

[pubic_assistance]

2 hours ago, Xavitv said:

you wouldn’t necessarily ask a non “exotic” person where they’re from or not as interested. 

I ask everybody if they know about their heritage.  They don't need to "look exotic".

The US is a complete mish-mash of people.  It's interesting to hear about people's cultural experiences.

Edited May 20, 2023 by pubic_assistance

[+ José Soplanucas]

As with everything else, it depends on the context. Usually, no one asks a White person for their ethnicity. Depending on the context, it may be constructed as discriminatory.

I wonder if @Unicorn misunderstood what the lecturer was saying. 

Indeed, it is a question that requires tact, but as other posters shared, I have asked it countless times in friendly conversation with no issues.

[pubic_assistance]

3 minutes ago, José Soplanucas said:

Usually, no one asks a White person for their ethnicity.

"White people" are asked about their heritage, not their "ethnicity".  You'd be surprised now many so-called "white people" aren't so white when you ask.

Especially where I grew up.

Many seemingly "white" families were intermarried with Iroquois tribes people. But over several generations there is a blending of genes that doesn't make it as obvious.

[+ purplekow]

I have been asked directly about my ethnicity on many social occasions and even in professional settings.  All four of my grandparents came from Scicily if anyone here is interested.   I recall one woman in particular who called my office and inquired about my ethnicity before making an appointment.   Turns out she was Jewish and wanted an Italian doctor.  I have a strong Italo-American background but my ties to Italy end there. 

As for inquiring about the ethnicity of others, I find that there are many more interesting questions one can ask and that some of them will lead to that information.  For example, while at a dinner, I might state, that my mother who was of Italian heritage was a good cook, but while she excelled at Italian dishes, her hold on other dishes was not nearly as strong.  I do remember her lasagna fondly.  Did you have any favorite childhood meals.  Now that might lead to a variety of discussions, ethnicity is certainly one path it could take.  

So as someone mentioned, ethnicity might not be a conversation starter it should not be totally off limits.  

[+ nycman]

4 hours ago, Unicorn said:

What's your take?

I could care less about "micro" anything. 

As the name implies….it’s not important.

[Xavitv]

3 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

I ask everybody if they know about their heritage.  They don't need to "look exotic".

The US is a complete mish-mash of people.  It's interesting to hear about people's cultural experiences.

But your actions is not representative of others. OP was interested in the heritage of the exotic guy. 

[Lookin]

4 hours ago, José Soplanucas said:

Indeed, it is a question that requires tact, but as other posters shared, I have asked it countless times in friendly conversation with no issues.

Are you from around here? . . . . The Orion Nebula . . . . Funny, you don't look Nebulous

[SouthOfTheBorder]

9 hours ago, Unicorn said:

She said asking someone about their ethnic background constitutes an offensive "microagression."

asking “where someone is from” or even worse “what is your ethnicity” is not an appropriate question for anyone.  If they want you to know, that information will be offered. 

My partner is an American born person of color and he gets asked those questions all the time when I’m standing next to him.  It’s always awkward and isn’t necessary.  There are many other conversation starters besides that.  The question implies that you think the person is “other” or perhaps “exotic”. ….I’ve literally heard it all in a variety of creative questions. 

90% of the time, it’s very white people asking the question to a person-of-color.  It’s actually pretty cringe-worthy when it happens. It reeks of some sort of superiority, whether you know it or not.  

Absolutely qualifies as a micro-aggression and very bad manners.  
 

Edited May 21, 2023 by SouthOfTheBorder

[+ azdr0710]

I'm more curious where and when the term "microaggression" started........

Microaggression - Wikipedia

EN.WIKIPEDIA.ORG

 

Edited May 21, 2023 by azdr0710

[+ purplekow]

5 hours ago, nycman said:

I could care less about "micro" anything. 

As the name implies….it’s not important.

Death by a thousand cuts.  Each, individual, inconsequential.  Cumulatively destructive.  

[wsc]

It seems these days there are two kinds of offenses, those given and those taken. And my impression is that, increasingly, the takers outnumber the givers.

Can we not display to others, both "givers" and "takers," the same consideration as we would wish for ourselves, and simply assume that no offense was intended?

I can only control the offenses I give, not the ones others choose to take. 

[+ José Soplanucas]

4 hours ago, wsc said:

It seems these days there are two kinds of offenses, those given and those taken. And my impression is that, increasingly, the takers outnumber the givers.

Can we not display to others, both "givers" and "takers," the same consideration as we would wish for ourselves, and simply assume that no offense was intended?

I can only control the offenses I give, not the ones others choose to take. 

It is about finding the right balance. It is good to be more aware and empathic of others' problems and concerns. We cannot pledge ignorance or lack of intent nowadays if we say insensitive things. But as you say, some do not cease to expand the field of their sensitivity. 

[+ Pensant]

Sometimes it can come across as white normative to pry about backgrounds. It can be a minefield. As others have stated, it’s not the ideal conversation starter. That said, I’m a pretty good judge of some accents, and occasionally will ask if the person is from Ukraine or Poland, for example, and the person often beams with joy that I recognized their accent correctly.

[+ Lucky]

Why ask? If a person thinks that you need to know his ethnicity he will tell you.

[SouthOfTheBorder]

29 minutes ago, Pensant said:

Sometimes it can come across as white normative to pry about backgrounds.

correct - this is the main problem with that line of questioning. 
when a white personal asks those questions to a person-of-color in a society/culture/country that is predominantly white, then it’s a clear signal that the person is “other” or doesn’t belong to the dominant group.  that’s what makes it offensive. 

in the United States, Germany or the UK as examples, those questions are particularly troublesome given either the modern history re: race and/or current issues re: immigration.

As mentioned, my personal experience as a witness to this particular line of questioning is that it’s ALWAYS white people asking non-white people “where are you from?”  However well-intended, it’s just not appropriate in my observations. 

If you don’t think these particular questions are troublesome, then either you are probably white or from a country that does not have these same systemic racial disparities.  

[BSR]

1 hour ago, SouthOfTheBorder said:

when a white personal asks those questions to a person-of-color in a society/culture/country that is predominantly white, then it’s a clear signal that the person is “other” or doesn’t belong to the dominant group.  that’s what makes it offensive. 

This sums up the Cult of Victimhood:  the knack for taking any possible situation and figuring out how to make yourself a victim.

 

[SouthOfTheBorder]

55 minutes ago, BSR said:

This sums up the Cult of Victimhood:  the knack for taking any possible situation and figuring out how to make yourself a victim

I’m actually the observer in these situations, not the victim.  

People are free to question as they see fit - but, this post was from a white person seeking input on appropriate questions to non-white people in social situations.  I have tons of first-hand experience watching this play out in real-world interactions.  Not hypotheticals from keyboard warriors. 

The typical response when these questions are asked is a big eye-roll, indicating exactly how the question was received.  If you want to look really stupid when meeting new people & looking for conversation points, then absolutely nobody is stopping you. Go for it.

Edited May 21, 2023 by SouthOfTheBorder

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Lucky said:

Why ask? If a person thinks that you need to know his ethnicity he will tell you.

Because you're genuinely interested in that person and his background. Any question can be taken as a micro-agression if one wants to take it that way. Asking about where you live, how long you've lived there, where you grew up, what kind of work you do, and so on. Even about any recent travel. For me, it's showing interest in their person and their background. Sometimes it can suggest a common bond. For example, if someone tells me he's Jewish, I can laugh at myself and tell them I just found out several years ago that I'm half Jewish myself. If I've traveled to their ancestors' country, I'll often tell them how much I enjoy the country of their ancestors, their culture, and so on (and if it's on planet earth, I've probably been there). 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, SouthOfTheBorder said:

...when a white personal asks those questions to a person-of-color in a society/culture/country that is predominantly white, then it’s a clear signal that the person is “other” or doesn’t belong to the dominant group...

Only if the person chooses to take it that way. If they take it that way when I ask the question, they would be factually wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Any response to that question almost always gets a compliment from me "Oh, I love Chile! That country has such a variety of beauty from mountains to deserts to glaciers!" or "I have such great memories from Jordan. Everyone I met seemed so kind and friendly!" or "I don't think I've seen as many varied architectural and archeological wonders as I saw in Turkey!". If someone wishes to take that as a sign of "clear" hostility, that's on him. 

[Guest]

14 hours ago, José Soplanucas said:

... Usually, no one asks a White person for their ethnicity...

I get asked that very frequently. That statement is factually incorrect. 

[+ José Soplanucas]

6 minutes ago, Unicorn said:

I get asked that very frequently. That statement is factually incorrect. 

Perhaps. "usually" moderates my statement.