Do you ever go to "visit" a cemetery?

[+ purplekow]

My wife is buried in a cemetery about 1/2 mile from my home. There is also a way through the cemetery that cuts through and shortens certain trips I make on a frequent basis. As a result, I travel through the cemetery and most times, I pass by my wife's (and eventually my) gravesite. I stop for a minute. I usually do not get out of the car but I do reflect back and recall some of the pleasant memories we made together. Today, Father's Day, there were many more cars in the cemetery than on a usual day which I expected. What set me to wondering was if these visits were out of respect or expectation that the location is somehow as special one for remembrance. I can reminisce anywhere, but I do find my frequent trips through the cemetery and the brief stops at the gravesite more calming and more reparative than other times. I should say, that if the cemetery was not a handy shortcut, I probably would never have made a special pilgrimage there. As an example, I have not been to my mother and father's gravesite in fifteen years or more.

So do you go to the cemetery? Do you find it a healing experience to go? Do you think that it is all voodoo and superstition?

Edited June 22, 2020 by purplekow

[+ deej]

It's all voodoo and superstition, but that doesn't make it any less helpful or personally relevant.

 

If it gives you the feels, go for it. I do.

[+ Yellowrod]

I find cemeteries peaceful and a place of repose and love to spend time walking, reading and just meditating in them. One might find me macabre, but if I'm not afraid of the living, why should I be of the dead?

[RealAvalon]

My wife is buried in a cemetery about 1/2 mile from my home. There is also a way through the cemetery that cuts through and shortens certain trips I make on a frequent basis. As a result, I travel through the cemetery and most times, I pass by may wife's (and eventually my) gravesite. I stop for a minute. I usually do not get out of the car but I do reflect back and recall some of the pleasant memories we made together. Today, Father's Day, there were many more cars in the cemetery than on a usual day which I expected. What set me to wondering was if these visits were out of respect or expectation that the location is somehow as special one for remembrance. I can reminisce anywhere, but I do find my frequent trips through the cemetery and the brief stops at the gravesite more calming and more reparative than other times. I should say, that if the cemetery was not a handy shortcut, I probably would never have made a special pilgrimage there. As an example, I have not been to my mother and father's gravesite in fifteen years or more.

So do you go to the cemetery? Do you find it a healing experience to go? Do you think that it is all voodoo and superstition?

I visit cemeteries when I am traveling. Even in small towns. Gives a sense of the place. We also always go to the Cenotaph on Remembrance Day for the parade, bag pipes and Last Post. The ceremony is more about a hope for peace, than it is about glorifying war.

 

We have streets, a park, a school and benches with family names, so there are other remembrances beyond the grave site to jog memories.

[Guest DeanParkerTEX]

We go, as a family, on notable dates. Memorial Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc

[+ Charlie]

When I was young, many of my father's family members used to go to visit the family plot every Sunday, and would even picnic there. It was a way of bringing the whole family together again, the living and the dead. I think my mother found it creepy; I never even knew where most of her family was buried. I don't think any of my father's relations who are still alive do it any more. I now live far away from that cemetery, but several years ago when I was visiting New York, I made my way out there, and found it very moving to see the gravestones of my ancestors once more. Even though I know it is impractical, I still think I would like to be buried in the same plot as my parents, grandmother and godparents.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Charlie

[RealAvalon]

When I was young, many of my father's family members used to go to visit the family plot every Sunday, and would even picnic there. It was a way of bringing the whole family together again, the living and the dead. I think my mother found it creepy; I never even knew where most of her family was buried. I don't think any of my father's relations who are still alive do it any more. I now live far away from that cemetery, but several years ago when I was visiting New York, I made my way out there, and found it very moving to see the gravestones of my ancestors once more. Even though I know it is impractical, I still think I would like to be buried in the same plot as my parents. grandmother and godparents.

That reminds me of a lot of Latinos I know.

Edited June 22, 2020 by RealAvalon

[+ bashful]

I believe it provides some comfort to, I guess in a way, reconnect. It's been almost 15 years since I visited an actual cemetery, because most of those I've lost were cremated, and ashes spread nowhere near I live. Over the years, infrequently, if I'm near, I've returned to a place where ashes were spread, just think of them for a bit. However, every few years, I travel back to our favorite place, where the one I loved ashes' were spread, to throw the flowers of a lei in the ocean. It's were I want my ashes.

[JayCeeKy]

I rarely visit my parents' grave sites because they aren't there. They are in my memories and forever in my heart.

[+ azdr0710]

My Dad and Mom died 17 and 12 years ago, respectively, and were both cremated and put away in a National Veterans' Cemetery about 130 miles away from where I live now.....whenever I'm within a few miles of that cemetery, I'll stop in and spend about ten or fifteen minutes at their outdoor columbarium and just think for a bit......the entire cemetery is meticulously maintained, very quiet and peaceful, unpretentious, and appropriate to its desert setting....the speed limit is about 15mph in there and I usually drive about 10 or 11.......it's all very calming and "centering"......I don't cry, but I do value the chance to think a bit in a quiet setting well within a busy metropolitan area of 4.5 million people.......rarely are there other people anywhere near since I don't visit on major "cemetery holidays", but, before Mom died, the two of us were there once to see Dad near Christmas and a widow was nearby crying very loudly at her deceased husband's niche......

 

I think my Mom and Dad are the first ancestors of mine to be cremated and I like that choice.......somehow, columbaria seem friendly to me: a grouping of people (in this case, military veterans and their spouses) forever closely connected physically in the columbarium structure rather than in nearly-invisible solo flat burial plots "six feet under"......

Edited June 22, 2020 by azdr0710

[Guest]

I do not. But the very question conjures up the desire to go watch “Harold and Maude”

[jawjateck]

I have family interred in numerous cemeteries around the countryside; I rarely visit any of them. My primary family plot, where I will be interred, contains 4 generations of family. I visit it about every 2 months to make sure the weeds are under control and treat those pesky fire ant mounds. The cemetery lawn is routinely mowed, but they pay no attention to detail. I agree with others that cemeteries are peaceful retreats from a mad, mad, mad, mad world, and great places to walk and exercise.

[Guest]

I've always thought that cemeteries are for the living, not the dead. A way to stay connected to loved ones who've passed on. I've always been fascinated by them, the history of all the lives that were lived throughout the years. Their experiences, their point in time. My mother passed 15 years ago to cancer, my father a year ago to old age. Both were cremated and both sit in my house along with my beloved husky and my ex's three jack russells. When my father passed I struggled with what to do with their ashes and feel like I need to find a proper place of interment. I have no other family to consider in terms of visitation so it's really just for me. Which I guess is why they stay with me.

[gallahadesquire]

I had a favourite aunt, lived 1887-1961. She is buried with my grandmother, 1890-1975, and my grandfather, 1893-ca. 1981. Going there brings back vague but fond memories.

 

Two plots away is my father, 1920-1965. I am sorely tempted to spit or piss over there. We did not have a good relationship.

 

My mother’s ashes are in a burgundy cloisonné urn on a book shelf in my living room. She fits in with decor so she stays there. Been there since 2005. A gentle reminder of what a wonderful person she was but a more permanent solution must be found. She absolutely refused to be interred with her husband, but I don’t remember if she wanted to be scattered anywhere.

 

My sister‘s cremains were scattered into the Atlantic. All told, she probable should have been scattered over the Rockies. Sigh.

 

One godfather had his cremains placed in a church memorial garden on my 45th birthday. His partner of 21 years is also there. I hope a few donations to the church will allow my Remains to be interred there, as I am not a member.

Edited June 22, 2020 by gallahadesquire

[+ Lucky]

I do not visit cemeteries and also do not plan to be in one.

[+ SundayZip]

The small town cemeteries from my parent's home towns took on new meaning for me a few years ago when my sister and I started investigating our family ancestry. Now I see headstones with names of people that I recognize as 2nd, 3rd and even 4th cousins. The names and birth and death dates on headstones now fit into family history that I better understand. It gives me a peacefull sense of knowing who I am in the world and, as weird as it sounds, feeling at home.

[+ poolboy48220]

I have a vague memory from when I was very young, going to visit my grandfather's grave on a family trip back to Long Island. He died when I was four and this was not long after, mid-1960s. My mother's cremated, I have some of her ashes in an urn on the mantel. I brought a bit of them to my sister's wedding last fall.

[+ Pensant]

I enjoy visiting cemeteries when traveling. On a ride along the C & O Canal trail in western Maryland, some of the small towns’ graveyards give a glimpse into their histories. My own family settled in Pennsylvania around 1700, and many generations are buried in two churchyards 15 minutes apart. My parents, grandparents and and great-grandparents are buried in the same plot, where I and my sisters will most likely be buried; in my case, my ashes. One sister and I have discussed buying our headstones in advance, so all relatives will have to do is have the date of death engraved. Is that too macabre?

[+ RJD]

Visiting cemeteries is like grieving when a loved one passes away. We all grieve differently. We all have reasons for visiting (or not visiting) cemeteries.

 

I would take my mom on the “cemetery tour” near the holidays to visit her parents, my dad’s parents, and eventually my dad’s graves. I never got anything out of the visits and did it solely for my mom. For me, I was standing on a plot of land looking down at a headstone with my family members’ names. It didn’t provide comfort, reflection or remembrance.

 

When my mom started deteriorating, she became friendly with a Catholic nun who was also a registered nurse. She would visit with my mom, bring pastries, have tea with her and give her Communion. She was indispensable during that time and became a trusted family friend. After my mom passed, I told her how I felt about visiting the cemetery. She had, what I thought, was a very unexpected reply for a Catholic nun. She said, “you visit with your family every time you think of them,” while touching her index finger to my chest and temple.

 

I’ve come to terms with my belief. I’d visit the graves for a few years after my mom passed, partly out of guilt, but have since stopped. I’d question why I was doing it each time. Even during the visits, I’d see the crying and praying by visitors to other graves and wonder why I wasn’t experiencing the same emotions.

 

Like most things in life, do what works for you.

[Epigonos]

When I was a kid I frequently accompanied my mother to the cemetery where her parents and youngest brother were buried. The cemetery is located all the way across the L.A. basin near LAX. We always went on major holidays and on their birthdays. My mother died in 1995 and is buried with my father in a cemetery very near where I currently live and where my ashes will be interred. Since my mother died I continue to go to the cemetery where her parents and bother are buried but only at Christmas. I really only go in memory of my mother because I know how much visiting their graves meant to her. I seldom visit the cemetery where my parents and my sister and brother-in-law are buried.

[+ Charlie]

My uncle was killed in Germany in the last months of World War II, and was buried in an American military cemetery in Belgium. Five years ago, during a trip to Europe, I decided to visit his grave. I contacted the administration of the cemetery, and learned that there was no record that any family member of his had ever visited during the 70 years since his death, so my spouse and I decided to go. It was a perfect summer day, and the cemetery is beautifully manicured. When we arrived, we were met at the entrance by the superintendent, to whom I gave a brief biography of my uncle that I had typed up for their records; he was 39 when he died, but he had no children, and his widow had spent the rest of her life in secluded depression in New Jersey. His five siblings were not the kind of people who traveled to Europe. The superintendent sent an employee, armed with a bucket and two small American flags, to guide us to the small white marble cross among the thousands spread out in semi-circular rows across the green fields. He placed the flags on either side of the cross, then carefully cleaned the name engraved on it (to make it easier to photograph) and respectfully withdrew and left us there. I was too young when he died to remember my uncle, so I didn't feel any rush of personal emotion, but I was moved at the care with which the cemetery was maintained despite the few visitors, and by the superintendent's information that a local family had recently signed up as sponsors for the maintenance of my uncle's grave. After a few minutes, the employee returned and handed me the two small flags, and led us back to the entrance. The last thing I needed was two flags to add to my luggage, but I carried them for the rest of the trip, and still have them.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Charlie

[Bucky]

Outta sight, outta mind.

[+ Gar1eth]

In the Jewish religion we have a yearly remembrance for people. In Yiddish the period is called Yahrzeit (Year Time, if this were German the word would be Jahreszeit and means Season. In this case I think a better translation for the Yiddish is probably Anniversary).

 

It's mainly observed for parents. There are certain prayers that are said, a 24 candle is lit on the day, and the grave is visited. I didn't go to my father's yet this year. His was in March. But I'll go some time. My brother will stop by my Dad's grave from time to time not only at Yahrzeit time. And I went in honor of my Dad's birthday last year.

 

Since I don't have any children-I doubt anyone will be celebrating my Yahrzeit.

 

Gman

[craigville beach]

In Cambridge, Massachusetts there is a beautiful cemetery, The Mount Auburn Cemetery. Wonderful place to walk and look at the outstanding horticultural specimens.

[+ AntonGraza]

My grandpa died young so when we visited my grandma who did not drive, we would go to the cemetery. It is located on a bluff overlooking Lake Michigan. The town was prosperous with lumber in the 1880's so there are grand victorian marble monuments, vaults and mausoleums with copper paneled doors and stained glass windows. There are civil war solders, steamship captains, railroad people, lumber barons, children, all resting under the canopy of the century old oak trees. It for me is one of the most peaceful retreats from the world, to remember my family and place to walk and just "be". The newer ones with the a flat miles of grass level markers with no trees in site are impersonal, except for the area my daughter is buried, it is in the infant section, so it is always decorted with flowers, small stuffed animals, pin wheels, hot wheel cars and candles. It is a totally different, more of a testimate of longing to still connect in some way.