Too fat to hire

[Bearman]

I have had one escort express his delight at the prospect of topping a full-figured-gentleman; They are out there. Remember Communicate, Communitate, Communicate.

 

Yes they may be out there but I at least have yet to find those escorts. Yes I find men that love me as I am at Bear Bars, but I'm not attracted to other bears or men that look like myself. Opposites Attract is my motto, but while they may be out there, usually they just grit their teeth and do their job and thinly veil their disgust which I clearly see, finish ASAP, grab their money and scram. It might be one of the reasons I opt for Body Worship with "straightish guys" and keep most of my clothes on! There is less disappointment with them.

 

Very interesting thread and very good feedback for all you guys. I'm glad I read it!

[Islesguy]

Considering I reach out to potential hires a few weeks prior to a session, I don't typically reveal much about me besides what I am interested in doing in my first contact. Once we have had a couple of text conversations and I feel like the person is someone I do want to meet, I talk about some personal things I think the person should know about me. If he doesn't have issues, then I confirm our tentative appointment as solid.

 

Granted, I have only reached out to well-reviewed escorts that I can ask people on here about in PMs, so I haven't had any issues as of yet with guys not being up to snuff, so to speak.

 

I certainly don't know what the OP is looking for in a guy from a physical looks standpoint, but there a wide variety of flavors that are well-reviewed escorts that both do and don't post here that seem like excellent people to hire.

[blightuponyou]

Realalist, I have definitely been in your shoes as a formerly overweight person, and you should feel under no obligation to be anything but yourself. I have had plenty of nasty rejections in the dating scene because of my weight (but also because of my beard and foreskin), but honestly nothing has ever come up for me when hiring an escort. All those guys have been understanding and accepting, and one of the reasons I have hired in the past is to take the stress out of sex, to not feel like I had to be someone else to make the other person happy.

 

I think you should feel comfortable acting on your fantasies, and while you are under no obligation to disclose your personal appearance (and no one should ever feel pressured to do that I think), it seems for your own mental well being you should in the initial conversation with the escort. That way they can set your worries to rest and you can set expectations together without your anxieties weighing you down.

 

Good luck! And please remember, there are a lot of racist and fatphobic people in the world. Some one will always find a reason to look down on you and reject you. But they are just a bunch of fuckheads and have no actual say in your worth as a person.

[queensboroboy]

Isn't the reason for hiring guys is to relieve yourself from the fear of rejection? Think of it as a service. You hire a guy to perform certain acts for pleasure. Trust, there are guys out there who are willing to perform a service for $$.

[RPCny]

I'm also a fat guy (I own the word) who has navigated the same choppy waters as you. The key for me, both in dating and hiring, began with accepting myself just as I was/am and you can't get there with an "if only" mentality. It starts today, not after you've lost 100 lbs or anything else. As for dating, you should try sites such as biggercity or chasabl where you will be welcome and fully embraced. I like to swim in a pool of friendly fish.

 

The same goes for hiring escorts. I'm a realist. While I'm comfortable in my own skin, I also understand there are lots of guys who have "preferences" regarding size, age. race, etc. By putting it out there first, you can almost guarantee a good hire. Why should you have to? You don't. It just makes sense if you want a satisfactory experience. As was mentioned, there are a number of escorts who state that they are open to all shapes and sizes. Another way of vetting is to peruse daddy's reviews and look at the comments. Some of the guys that I have hired had glowing comments from gentlemen of size. There's even one guy, who I've yet to hire, who states clearly that his speciality is obese men (https://rent.men/MikeGaite/). All this to say that there are options available to you. Just open the door and walk through. Good luck.

[+ nycman]

I’ve hired escorts when I was fat and I’ve hired escorts when I had a six pack.

 

Guess what....I had better experiences when I was fat.

 

I‘m sure the reasons are myriad....including the escorts’ brains being as fickle

and screwed up as mine. Yes, I’ve had great (and bad) experiences regardless

of my body, but my batting average of “incredible” hires was higher when I was

fat.

 

Now get that self defeating crap out of your head. Get of there. And ”Play Ball”!

[Epigonos]

Another thing you might want to consider is when you read reviews here of escorts who you might be interested in hiring is pay SPECIAL ATTENTION to how the reviewers describe themselves. I have always looked for reviews written by guys closer to my own age rather than those written by thirty year old studs. You might want to look for reviews written by reviewers who self describe themselves as heavy. Thus if a reviewer who describes himself as heavy praises the escort there is a good shot that the escort will likely relate well to you. Just a suggestion.

Edited October 20, 2019 by Epigonos

[+ bashful]

Fat guy here too. Not much experience with men, only began to hire in 2015, also older (60's). I communicate that to potential hires.

 

I'm happy to say that the majority of my few hires have looked beyond appearance, and have been great to me, making me feel special, and so much better about myself when leaving than when I arrived. Unfortunately, a couple of times, it didn't happen, despite all the glowing reviews they had (YMMV).

 

Don't blame, or fear a bad experience based on your appearance. We're all human. Sometimes, we're Just not a good match, or it's chemistry, or a bad day, or you were at the end of long line of other guys that day. Know yourself, and be comfortable with your choice of whom to hire when you're ready.

[jawjateck]

What a great thread with info that can lead you to a win-win experience. Realalist, you did not specifically say what type of encounter you seek, but if you want a longer session with more affection and personal attention offered to you, I recommend you select a provider over 30. No guarantees, but some maturity increases the likelihood you have a socially adaptable companion capable of getting over himself and his needs and wants to satisfy you. Plenty of guys find satisfaction in making you happy.

 

Now if it's just a hot romp across the sheets for an hour or two, any compatible stud will work..... age, weight, or whatever be damned.

[Monarchy79]

Yes I find men that love me as I am at Bear Bars, but I'm not attracted to other bears or men that look like myself. Opposites Attract is my motto....

 

Well then there’s your issue....

Most guys are attracted to others who reflect their own likeness in looks, body and other physical components... opposites typically attract in other personality traits....

 

I guess my initial interpretation of your situation was incorrect. You’re not some poor shy big guy who got served a bad deal and is being caught up in the matrix of “gay shallowness”.....

 

You’re part of that matrix ?

 

All of those other bears (who look just like you), you’ve been passing up could have been possibly the love of your life....

 

But instead, you chose the shallow/delusional route and have been chasing an idea of what “perfection” is to you.

 

Now Karma has turned that back on you... you now can’t fault a service provider or a guy in general dating, for turning you down for your size, because their behavior and beliefs match yours. You are in fact, projecting your own ideas of looks and body image upon yourself.

 

When you don’t like the physical attributes you possess, and see in others (that look just like you) then why , should you expect any one else to? They have your same mindset..... ??‍♂️

[novaman]

I'm a bigger guy and am tall. I let all potential dates know my proportions and age. I have no problem with letting them know. Most of the time they say it's no problem. Occasionally I'll won't get a reply which is enough to tell me to move on.

[Chad Constantine]

Thank you. Thing is, I don't want to have to tell them I'm overweight beforehand. Nobody else has to inform escorts of their physical attributes beforehand, so why should I? I know, it makes sense because if they can't perform with a overweight guy then it would mutually beneficial to let them know upfront but that experience would only add to my anxiety.

 

I am probably going to get bombed but I am just going to tell it like it is.

1) Learn to love yourself and overcome this anxiety you win people over with confidence and personality being rich helps but not always. If they dont like you for you then muck them.

2) Your 30 not 90 if you dont like being fat go to the gym and eat better or go get your thyroid checked If you need motivation get a hot trainer or eye fuck all the hot guys as motivation.

3) Even if everyone catfishes escorts at least have the decency to tell them the truth about your physical appearance. Changing a name is one thing but not even telling them how you look is some next level stuff. Yes these guys are getting paid but these guys are still doing hard work at least the ones that take it seriously and are not just the random scammers or crackheads. It is not easy what they do between dealing with some wackos or people that short change them or even being with people that they are not attracted to and putting on a brave face.

[Mikegaite]

Allow me to “weigh” in on this subject since someone tagged me above.

 

You’re meeting the wrong people.

 

First, there is very compelling business case for diversity in learning to excel with all types of clients. Second, it makes the work a lot more enjoyable. Third, I’ve faced plenty of rejection in various avenues of my life and know how painful it is. So many people have told me I’m not good enough to do x, y, or z, and I’ve just had to push past that to find the people who disagree with them. And half the reason I look like I do is driven by my own physical insecurity about how I look. It’s not like people who don’t like you are battling their own insecurities.

 

There are plenty of people who will reject you in life. Find the ones who won’t. Find the people who understand that providers and clients are more like alike than they are different.

 

I agree with everyone above that having information about yourself publicly visible on your profile or disclosed in first contact will help you find the best matches for you. @Epigonos gives good advice. There’s already so much information asymmetry in the initial meeting between providers and clients that any additional info you can provide is helpful.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

@Realalist, I think many of fear the rejection. In the ten years I've been pursuing this hobby, I've realized that I'm not going to have a mind-blowing experience if I don't go outside of my comfort zone and reach out to someone whose ad has me interested.

 

When hiring someone for the first time, whether for an escort or massage experience, I include a brief bio about myself. I like to think it helps a provider understand my sincerity in the potential hire and also politely decline the opportunity if he's not comfortable with my stats. (It also helps for some masseurs planning our session if they have tables with weight limitations that might not support us both if that is part of the masseur's technique.) Last week while vacationing, the communication went like this:

 

"Hi Bob, I'm Sam and I saw your ad on xxxxx. I'm looking for an erotic massage tonight in Ft. Lauderdale and was hoping you would have an open appointment. I'm looking for a 90 minute session at my hotel/your place. About me: I'm 55, 5'10", 330, DDF and on PrEP."

 

I will get one of three responses and an occasional no reply.

 

(1) Thanks Sam, I'm available at 9p tonight.

(2) Thanks for the interest Sam. Sorry, I'm booked tonight. Would you be interested in tomorrow?

(3) Thanks for the interest. I'm sorry, I'm not available.

 

I would say 70% of the time, I receive either reply #1 or #2. So I find that by narrowing my selection to advertisers that list their age as over 30 (sometimes I drop it to 25) helps reduce the quantity of no responses.

 

Last week, I contacted five first-time providers. The results of my five inquiries were:

 

3 - yes, let's book. (I actually scheduled time with two, the third could only meet while I had dinner plans with friends)

1 - sorry, I'm moving tomorrow and need to finishing packing. How about next week?

1 - no reply

 

For the two appointments I actually had with first time providers for erotic massage, one was satisfactory and the second was unbelievably wonderful.

 

I hope sharing how I approach it, will make things a little less anxious for you.

[Guest InthePines]

Isn't the reason for hiring guys is to relieve yourself from the fear of rejection? Think of it as a service. You hire a guy to perform certain acts for pleasure. Trust, there are guys out there who are willing to perform a service for $$.

 

Exactly! If I wanted to subject myself to the body shaming, I'd be on Grindr.

 

When I started having in-call massage in my home some years ago, I was around 270 lbs. and the only relevance of my weight as far as I was concerned was the potential weight limit of a portable table. That said, I'd tell the provider I'm a big guy and I'm happy to be massaged on either a table or bed, depending on safety and comfortability, and I'd let them make that call.

 

Bottom line, it's about paying well and giving the respect to the masseur that you want in return, which I'm convinced has awarded me more latitude and pleasure than given to a penny pincher or boundary pusher with a perfect body.

[+ purplekow]

Thank you. Thing is, I don't want to have to tell them I'm overweight beforehand. Nobody else has to inform escorts of their physical attributes beforehand, so why should I? I know, it makes sense because if they can't perform with a overweight guy then it would mutually beneficial to let them know upfront but that experience would only add to my anxiety.

All kinds of people should inform an escort ahead of time of certain limitations, physical, mental, emotional. I have had only a few bad experiences in years of hiring. Those bad experiences happened when I did not give and get all the information needed to have a great experience. So to avoid a hurtful rejection, be clear in what you want and give an accurate description of yourself. I am a big man and I usually just tell the escort I am fat fifty something and fun. If they want more details, and they usually do not, I let them know.

[+ E.T.Bass]

Thank you. Thing is, I don't want to have to tell them I'm overweight beforehand. Nobody else has to inform escorts of their physical attributes beforehand, so why should I? I know, it makes sense because if they can't perform with a overweight guy then it would mutually beneficial to let them know upfront but that experience would only add to my anxiety.

 

The idea that it's not fair having to bring it up sounds like a worthy topic, but if you let that issue put your hiring life on hold, then maybe you should ask yourself "what do I really want." Thankfully there is some great advice above from guys that understand how you can get the satisfaction you are looking for. Kudos for being willing to ask.

[Bearman]

Well then there’s your issue....

Most guys are attracted to others who reflect their own likeness in looks, body and other physical components... opposites typically attract in other personality traits....

 

I guess my initial interpretation of your situation was incorrect. You’re not some poor shy big guy who got served a bad deal and is being caught up in the matrix of “gay shallowness”.....

 

You’re part of that matrix ?

 

All of those other bears (who look just like you), you’ve been passing up could have been possibly the love of your life....

 

But instead, you chose the shallow/delusional route and have been chasing an idea of what “perfection” is to you.

 

Now Karma has turned that back on you... you now can’t fault a service provider or a guy in general dating, for turning you down for your size, because their behavior and beliefs match yours. You are in fact, projecting your own ideas of looks and body image upon yourself.

 

When you don’t like the physical attributes you possess, and see in others (that look just like you) then why , should you expect any one else to? They have your same mindset..... ??‍♂️

 

I get your point but you've misunderstood. We're talking about hiring escorts not the dating or romance scene. Few overweight middle-aged men hire other overweight middle-aged men. I'm also guessing that you also hire men you're attracted to that differ from yourself?

[Onamission]

I used to be just like the OP in so many ways. I am usually in the spa not here, as I hire masseurs and not escorts. But this topic is close to my heart and I felt compelled to weigh in. I was 130 lbs overweight. Short, bald, smaller package, not the ideal man bait. I had weight loss surgery 10 years ago. Lost 100 lbs, but put 30lbs back on. Left me down a net 70. Still 60lbs overweight when I enteted the massage scene. I picked what I thought was the hottest guy in my area. We have become regulars. He has built me up, encouraged me, and motivated me. By sharing myself with him, I have now lost another 30 lbs and my massage experiences are now incredible. Many masseurs are used to dealing with guys with confidence issues and if you find the right one, it can really help. Dont stop trying. Put yourself out there. If you connect with right guy, it can change your whole life. I credit the 2 masseurs I see regularly with my new found self acceptance. They both say, in total honesty, it's the energy the client brings that determines how they respond to you, much more than the physical attributes. Go get em tiger!

Edited October 20, 2019 by Onamission

[SirBillybob]

A little tilt here internationally.

 

Many older and/or "rubenesque" clients hook up with hot muscle gods in Brazil spa brothels, providers who do not discriminate based on appearance and charge the same ridiculously low rates. Perhaps the OP is in a position to visit Rio with a batch of Magnum condoms and get the self-consciousness royally fucked out of his system.

Including octogenarians who need help on the stairs (not kidding).

 

Also somewhat the case in Barcelona.

 

When in Santo Domingo the main client group on apparently successful 'search trade and destroy horniness" missions appeared to be African American men, the majority of whom would be considered clinically obese.

 

Similarly,where there are North American strip clubs, performative attention may help desensitize image concerns.

 

That said, I agree with a little effort the desired trade can be obtained locally, and that internal locus of control is worth pursuing.

[Monarchy79]

I get your point but you've misunderstood. We're talking about hiring escorts not the dating or romance scene. Few overweight middle-aged men hire other overweight middle-aged men. I'm also guessing that you also hire men you're attracted to that differ from yourself?

 

 

I get your point but you've misunderstood. We're talking about hiring escorts not the dating or romance scene. Few overweight middle-aged men hire other overweight middle-aged men. I'm also guessing that you also hire men you're attracted to that differ from yourself?

I get your point but you've misunderstood. We're talking about hiring escorts not the dating or romance scene. Few overweight middle-aged men hire other overweight middle-aged men. I'm also guessing that you also hire men you're attracted to that differ from yourself?

 

I understood your point clearly.

your initial post referenced your luck in dating /apps and your experiences with escorts.

 

my point applies to both...

 

Which revolves around this one question:

If you don’t find guys that look just like you attractive, when why should you expect someone else to?

 

It’s one thing to find attraction in a variety of attributes that differ from yourself (many of us do), but once you confirm that you don’t find what’s in your own likeness attractive, you have limited yourself. And that limitation projects a barrier with escorts, masseurs, and random guys in a bar or on the street.

Anything that deals with human interaction heavily involves metaphysical energy...

 

And what we think, projects externally...

I am a 40 year old, black guy, in decent shape.

because I find those in my own likeness attractive, others find me attractive too, because that’s the message I’m sending out, through my thoughts, beliefs, and energy.

 

That’s my point. ?

[Ghadd]

Personally, I'm always upfront about my body size. I figured that if they're going to reject me, I'd rather know it beforehand than go into the trouble of setting up a meeting, getting ready for the encounter, and being faced with that awkward humiliation in person. That hurts so much more than being told "No thanks" (or simply ignored) over email or text.

 

There will always be the guys who won't want me as a client because I'm fat. I've accepted that. So I weed them out early with the information. Meeting up with them would not have been fun anyway.

 

It doesn't have to be fancy either. My messages say something like: "I'm an overweight guy, but I take hygiene seriously and I don't expect acrobatics." That seems to have been enough information to make them decide. Some have indeed told me they'll pass. But then I was able to go through with the ones for whom it wasn't an issue.

[marylander1940]

Well then there’s your issue....

Most guys are attracted to others who reflect their own likeness in looks, body and other physical components...

 

I'm not sure about that... jocks might be attracted to other jocks but bears are usually attracted to guys who in good shape.

[Monarchy79]

I'm not sure about that... jocks might be attracted to other jocks but bears are usually attracted to guys who in good shape.

 

I’ve seen many bear couples and many bears who are attracted to each other...

 

I have no problem with anyone’s “preferences”.... just understand that you’ll look like a flat out hipocrite for complaining about someone else’s preferences, because it doesn’t benefit you...

 

It’s like me, as a black man, saying “I don’t like other black guys”, but whining because a white guy says he doesn’t like black guys... we both have the same preference... lol....

[+ Pensant]

Bring on the lbs!

What a sweet man!