Do you like your friends?

[+ purplekow]

I recently saw Boys in the Band and it struck me that most of the characters, though they were purportedly friends, really did not like each other. Even at the end, there is an encounter between the two characters who have been the most vile to each other in which one is leaving (with the hot escort who was brought as a $20 birthday present) and he says to the other after a particularly vilifying final attack: "i will call you tomorrow"

 

I have a friend who I have known for 50 years. He has been someone I can rely on to help out if I need it. I would certainly help him out in any way I could should he need my assistance. Lately though, time spent with him is getting more and more onerous. I have gotten to the point that I am not sure that I really like him, though I would still call him my closest friend.

 

Any thoughts?

[+ Charlie]

Birds of a feather......

[+ Avalon]

All of my friends have died, moved away or in worse condition than I am. Only one that I stay in touch with is in a nursing home in another state. And she called me to let me know where she was. I call her once a month.

[bnm73]

"I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish any specific harm."

 

Moe Szyslak

[+ Avalon]

"I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish any specific harm."

 

Moe Szyslak

 

Reminds me - the story is told about Heber C Kimball, he was the right hand man of Brigham Young the Mormon leader. Kimball was once asked if he prayed for his enemies. He said that he did; he prayed that they all might go to hell! ;-)))

Edited August 27, 2018 by Avalon

[big-n-tall]

I like all my friends... love most of them. Only one is a complete asshole at times, but we are rarely in each other’s company enough for the assholelery to be a problem. I tolerate it until he goes to far and I call him on it.

 

If a friend who was in a good place with you all of sudden becomes a pain, then there is an underlying issue. Maybe he’s jealous of something... I don’t know. However, if the relationship is important to you than I would try to figure out why the attitude change and try to make it better. It may be the case, the friend has just become a bitter person over the years. To which you personally can’t do anything about.

[+ purplekow]

Friends are assholes which is why you’ll always love them & keep them close to your heart.

 

*note* I didn’t read past the title of this post.

Kurtis, although you did not read my rather eloquently stated talking point, you nailed the answer. I guess you are just a good nailer.

[+ SundayZip]

Yes, I like my friends. I can't imagine considering someone a friend if I did not like them.

[N13]

Various friends for various reasons. The only ones that are a problem are ones I have had for decades....who don't realize that we have led different lives but who try to stay in the past.

[+ WilliamM]

Yes, I like my friends. I can't imagine considering someone a friend if I did not like them.

 

Yes, so true. Even if people change there is still the same connects, especially kindness and a sense of himor and a history of friendship.

[Rudynate]

I recently saw Boys in the Band and it struck me that most of the characters, though they were purportedly friends, really did not like each other. Even at the end, there is an encounter between the two characters who have been the most vile to each other in which one is leaving (with the hot escort who was brought as a $20 birthday present) and he says to the other after a particularly vilifying final attack: "i will call you tomorrow"

 

I have a friend who I have known for 50 years. He has been someone I can rely on to help out if I need it. I would certainly help him out in any way I could should he need my assistance. Lately though, time spent with him is getting more and more onerous. I have gotten to the point that I am not sure that I really like him, though I would still call him my closest friend.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I've been thinking about this very thing. I have a very old friend - we've known each other for more than 40 years. A couple years ago, I began to notice that we didn't seem to have much in common any more and that being around him had become burdensome. He visits SF regularly and we've always gotten together at least once during his visits. On one of his visits, a year or so ago, we talked on the phone and I promised to call him back and arrange lunch and didn't and he was very offended. So now when he visits, he doesn't call me, and I don't miss seeing him. On the one hand, I think, "Well, maybe our friendship has run its course." But I also think, "You don't discard a relationship of more than 40 years." I don't have an answer.

[Mo Mason]

I don't have any friends.

 

I used to, but I've cut them all off over the years. I just don't have the interest in maintaining relationships with anyone. Too much effort required.

 

When I want to go out and do something, I do it alone.

[+ Charlie]

Various friends for various reasons. The only ones that are a problem are ones I have had for decades....who don't realize that we have led different lives but who try to stay in the past.

I have just returned from a difficult visit to an old friend whom I travel 1200 miles to see every year. We were very close for many years, worked together for two decades, traveled around the world together, even lived together for several months during a European sabbatical. He and my spouse have also been good friends for nearly a half century. He moved far away from us a quarter century ago, but almost every year we go to visit him. We used to stay with him for at least a couple of weeks at a time. The visits have been getting shorter, and the last couple of years we have stayed at a nearby inn instead of his home. This time we were there only three nights.

 

The problem is that we really have little to talk about anymore except the past, and that gets very tired when one no longer has anything else in common.

[Rudynate]

I have just returned from a difficult visit to an old friend whom I travel 1200 miles to see every year. We were very close for many years, worked together for two decades, traveled around the world together, even lived together for several months during a European sabbatical. He and my spouse have also been good friends for nearly a half century. He moved far away from us a quarter century ago, but almost every year we go to visit him. We used to stay with him for at least a couple of weeks at a time. The visits have been getting shorter, and the last couple of years we have stayed at a nearby inn instead of his home. This time we were there only three nights.

 

The problem is that we really have little to talk about anymore except the past, and that gets very tired when one no longer has anything else in common.

 

My situation exactly.

[TruthBTold]

It has been such a strange thing that has happened over time. My deep friendships developed during my college years and right after. There was also a female friend who became close to our group. This was the late 70's and early 80's. Then one by one our group was decimated by AIDS. The only ones who survived were my female friend (who took care of my friends) and me. She and I are still friends. Over the years I have developed friendships at work or through other people, however it is just a different sort of relationship. Much of the time it is with couples. I, for whatever reason, have remained alone. I have found that in very few circumstances have they really tried to keep in touch on a regular schedule even though I have emailed or called. So I made a decision that they would no longer be friends. Then someone told me something very instructive and I felt much better. "There is a difference between being friends and being friendly." So I decided that in most cases I would be nice and friendly but in general I would not attempt to be friends (not because I did not want to be but because they really did not want to be). I hope that all made sense.

[Rudynate]

It has been such a strange thing that has happened over time. My deep friendships developed during my college years and right after. There was also a female friend who became close to our group. This was the late 70's and early 80's. Then one by one our group was decimated by AIDS. The only ones who survived were my female friend (who took care of my friends) and me. She and I are still friends. Over the years I have developed friendships at work or through other people, however it is just a different sort of relationship. Much of the time it is with couples. I, for whatever reason, have remained alone. I have found that in very few circumstances have they really tried to keep in touch on a regular schedule even though I have emailed or called. So I made a decision that they would no longer be friends. Then someone told me something very instructive and I felt much better. "There is a difference between being friends and being friendly." So I decided that in most cases I would be nice and friendly but in general I would not attempt to be friends (not because I did not want to be but because they really did not want to be). I hope that all made sense.

 

Which shows that relationships, even platonic ones, are challenging and that intimacy needs to be allowed to develop. Somebody may be open to friendship, but not on your timetable. In the meantime, you may have to settle for being friendly. Also, I have noticed that people have different ideas as to who is a friend. I remember being in some support group with guys who were talking about the challenges of sex, dating, romance, intimacy, etc. while the epidemic was raging. There was a guy who said he had lost so many friends that he had lost count. He said that when somebody new died, he removed their card from his rolodex and placed it in a stack. And he said he had a stack a couple of inches high. I didn't say anything, but my thought was that nobody has that many friends - acquaintances, business associates, etc., yes. But friends? I think he had a very loose definition of who is a friend.

[BasketBaller]

I have a circle of close friends of whom I'm very fond, but it's not a huge one. A much larger circle of more casual friends, and older friends whom I see less frequently. Something I found after my wife's death is that many friends drifted away, either because they didn't know how to behave with me, my widowerhood made them uncomfortable, or our lives and interests diverged after that. I am deeply grateful to the friends who supported me, and included me, when I was a single father.

[dcguy20]

This thread has been very enlightening. I have always been quality over quantity, so my circle of friends is relatively small. As I get older, I realize more and more friendships change, and some times we outgrow those friendships. I have also become aware that everyone's definition of what friendship is is different.

 

I'm also an introvert, and I'm increasingly aware that I don't mind, and actually prefer doing things on my own.

 

There is so much to say, but I very much understand those who have contributed to this discussion so far.

[Redwine56]

It has been such a strange thing that has happened over time. My deep friendships developed during my college years and right after. There was also a female friend who became close to our group. This was the late 70's and early 80's. Then one by one our group was decimated by AIDS. The only ones who survived were my female friend (who took care of my friends) and me. She and I are still friends. Over the years I have developed friendships at work or through other people, however it is just a different sort of relationship. Much of the time it is with couples. I, for whatever reason, have remained alone. I have found that in very few circumstances have they really tried to keep in touch on a regular schedule even though I have emailed or called. So I made a decision that they would no longer be friends. Then someone told me something very instructive and I felt much better. "There is a difference between being friends and being friendly." So I decided that in most cases I would be nice and friendly but in general I would not attempt to be friends (not because I did not want to be but because they really did not want to be). I hope that all made sense.

Yes, your portrayal makes perfect sense. Also, I realize that to maintain a friendship, each party must be a friend. It can't always be a one-way street where one person always does the calling to keep in touch. I have dear friends from all of life's journeys. There are some that I am friendly with to stay in touch and shoot the breeze and then there are those for whom I have a deeper friendship where you are in touch more frequently and tend to share more intimately and deeply. TruthBtold, as long as you are happy within yourself and don't feel lonely and in need of friends, it's all good. All of your posts are spot on and make such a valid point as you did here. Be well.

[Becket]

I have a few good friends. Some I don't like much. But I want and need their company because of our history. We know each other so well. Therefore our conversations are usually deep and significant. Been through all the bullshit, the polite stuff.

It's wonderful to have someone who knows you so well. A friend is someone with whom you have a bond. I've never had this bond with anyone else.

[MassageDrew]

I have a lot of friends though less than a handful of them I’d consider best friends. The ones in the “best” category know they can rely on me to be there for them no matter what, and they return the same sentiment. There have been many occasions where that was tested. At times we disagree and walk away from each other to cool off. At the end of the day we’re calling each other to apologize.

[MassageDrew]

I have a few good friends. Some I don't like much. But I want and need their company because of our history. We know each other so well. Therefore our conversations are usually deep and significant. Been through all the bullshit, the polite stuff.

It's wonderful to have someone who knows you so well. A friend is someone with whom you have a bond. I've never had this bond with anyone else.

 

A true confidant. They’re hard to come by. It’s rare to be able to have that freedom to be yourself around another person isn't it? It’s liberating.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

PK - Great question and interesting timing as I've recently contemplated this very question myself.

 

I have a small group of close friends that I like. They are either friends from college or very early in my career. When I accepted a promotion that required me to leave my hometown, I began forming new friendships in my new city. The friends I left behind in my hometown I consider my closest friends, but we are unable to get together but once a year.

 

Over the last few months, I realized that people I spend most of my social time with are mostly individuals that I do not have that much in common with and I'm not overly fond of several of them. But they want to include me in activities and at this point in time, it is easier for me to spend time with people I tolerate rather than working to find people that I truly like.

[+ purplekow]

In an circle of life moment, I ran into a former employee of mine, C, who considered me something of a mentor. Over the years, we have run into each other, played some poker together and we were always cordial. When I married, I did not invite him to the wedding, though I was invited to the second of his four weddings. He did not attend my wife's funeral. I do not know the names of his children nor did I know he had three, I recalled him having two.

 

Last year, I was newly unemployed and our paths crossed over lunch at a local establishment. We ate together and I explained my employment situation to him. While we were speaking, he received a phone call asking him if he was interested in a job. This call was from his former business partner, E, who had been also an employee of mine. E was offering C a possible job which was of no interest to him, but he suggested I might be interested. As it came to pass, within a week, I took the job and was happy there for a year. When my contract ran out and was not renewed, I ran into an employee of my former employee, T, who worked for C, and he said he was working a lot of overtime as they were shorthanded. With this information, I called C to ask if he need assistance and he said that he did. We have met and I am doing a "see how it fits" week of work while C takes some time off. This is a rehearsal for a full time job. All of that is probably superfluous to my point, but it is interesting how life can run in circles, even in a fairly large community.

 

Tonight C and I had dinner to work out the arrangements and to discuss a possible full time position for me. Early in the evening, while we were at dinner, he made a toast and said "Even if the job does not work out, it is a pleasure to have dinner with an old friend." I have always been friendly with C. I have enjoyed his company. We have rarely done anything together outside of work. I would not think of him as a friend per se. I would not call him to help me move or take me to the airport or come to Sunday dinner. So, I am fairly well convinced that we are solid acquaintances but hardly friends, though we have known each other for 30 years and now it will be that we both have employed the other.

So, here is someone that I like that I do not consider a friend, despite many cross connections and a long time relationship.

 

So what is it that moves a relationship from friendly acquaintances, to friends.