Gay men and aging : Finding your purpose

[Walker1]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201204/gay-men-and-aging-finding-your-purpose

 

Interesting take on aging and gay men. I was also wondering how straight men dealt with losing their looks. I recently ran into a high school crush of mine-he was such a stud, built, gorgeous and just oozing sex appeal. Now he was bald, fat and really unrecognizable and divorced thrice.

 

All of us face our mortality, but wonder if straight men lament the loss of looks as much as gay men? Or is it just a stereotype us gay men are obsessed with looks and truth is far more nuanced?

[Pepper Young]

Thanks for the article.

I think the biggest problem for gay men as they age is loneliness. I exercise, keep my weight down (though I've found food is one of life's pleasures), stay out of the sun (not easy when you live in Arizona) but I also hod onto as many friends as I can.

[Rudynate]

I do think that a lot of young gay men are obsessively focused on their looks but as they age, they acquire some perspective and develop wider interests. That doesn't mean that they don't take good care of themselves, but looking good becomes one aspect of generally living a balanced life.

Edited May 27, 2018 by Rudynate

[+ pepa_e_mango]

I'm 60 now and retired. I still work out as hard as I always have, not for health benefits, but because I want to keep some semblance of my youthful looks. I am reading a lot now and broadly which is new for me since I'm an engineer and only used to read technical materials. I've also re-discovered my enthusiasm for playing chess which takes me back to my teenage years. I'm not particularly religious so I believe my being on this earth is a happy accident, and will make the best of it as long as I'm here.

Thanks for the article.

[KeepItReal]

I do think that a lot of young gay men are obsessively focused on their looks but as the age, they acquire some perspective and develop wider interests. That doesn't mean that they don't take good care of themselves, but looking good becomes one aspect of generally living a balanced life.

Indeed, "I am because.... I am young and handsome" is hardly a platform to build a happy, passionate and purposeful life.

[marylander1940]

Thanks for the article.

I think the biggest problem for gay men as they age is loneliness. I exercise, keep my weight down (though I've found food is one of life's pleasures), stay out of the sun (not easy when you live in Arizona) but I also hod onto as many friends as I can.

 

Good point, yet we're not the only ones going solo... plenty of unmarried/divorced straight men and women age that way and have a big house all by themselves.

 

http://singularcity.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Eric-Klinenberg-Going-Solo.jpg

 

https://www.amazon.com/Going-Solo-Extraordinary-Surprising-Appeal/dp/0143122770

 

[+ tassojunior]

For many of us gay life is a cruel life to age in. A few gay men age very attractively but generally, it is a very youth-oriented life. Even if you're able to stay youthful in mind, the outward appearance is what you are often judged by. Harshly.

 

Not uncommon to gay life, the real test is to stay inwardly and outwardly happy. It's all too common to get bitter and/or depressed as life begins to dim. Fading out gracefully is not easy to do. But hard as it is to do you must. Not for your popularity but for your own inner spirit. You owe it to yourself to stay as healthy as possible both physically and mentally.

 

My own thing is to keep close friends of all ages, to travel, and to keep projects going that keep me physically active. But yup, many times I get so irritated with some people I wanna rip them a new asshole. That's life.

Edited May 27, 2018 by tassojunior

[Rudynate]

For many of us gay life is a cruel life to age in. A few gay men age very attractively but generally, it is a very youth-oriented life. Even if you're able to stay youthful in mind, the outward appearance is what you are often judged by. Harshly.

 

Not uncommon to gay life, the real test is to stay inwardly and outwardly happy. It's all too common to get bitter and/or depressed as life begins to dim. Fading out gracefully is not easy to do. But hard as it is to do you must, not for your popularity but for your own inner spirit. You owe it to yourself to stay as healthy as possible both physically and mentally.

 

My own thing is to keep close friends of all ages, to travel, and to keep projects going that keep me physically active. But yup, many times I get so irritated with some people I wanna rip them a new asshole. That's life.

 

Why does one need to "fade out?" I wouldn't equate acquiring an internal locus of control with fading out. Look at all those powerful, influential old guys in DC-Mueller, Dowd, Kelly, etc. You think they've come to terms with "fading out?" I doubt it.

Edited May 27, 2018 by Rudynate

[+ tassojunior]

Why does one need to "fade out?" I wouldn't equate acquiring an internal locus of control with fading out. Look at all those powerful, influential old guys in DC-Mueller, Dowd, Kelly, etc. You think they've come to terms with "fading out?" I doubt it.

 

I'm pretty sure Mueller, Dowd and Kelly don't spend many saturday nights in gay bars trying to hook up.

 

Sure there are plenty of other ways to stay sexually active but I think for many gay men, especially here, becoming asexual is not an appealing alternative.

[Rudynate]

I'm pretty sure Mueller, Dowd and Kelly don't spend many saturday nights in gay bars trying to hook up.

 

Sure there are plenty of other ways to stay sexually active but I think for many gay men, especially here, becoming asexual is not an appealing alternative.

 

Of course, if one is not going to be frustrated and depressed by physical aging, he may need to change the way he looks for sex- different venues, different type of partner.

 

Sometimes, when I'm over in the Castro, I sometimes notice older men through the windows of bars, staring into space and trying to look nonchalant and I always think, "He must have something better to do."

[+ E.T.Bass]

If one's life has centered around hanging out at the bar, those places that youngsters first go to cavort, then I can imagine how aging is extra hard on that kind of gay man's life.

 

Perhaps one can work on their personality. Or put down that cocktail or twinkie and go for a hike.

 

[+ sync]

Thanks for the article.

I think the biggest problem for gay men as they age is loneliness. I exercise, keep my weight down (though I've found food is one of life's pleasures), stay out of the sun (not easy when you live in Arizona) but I also hod onto as many friends as I can.

 

Your post brings to mind the struggle consuming one of my closest friends. He is virtually terrified of aging alone. His phobia has caused him to make some serious missteps in his relationships. While I can sympathize with him, I cannot relate. By choice I'm alone most of the time, but I've never felt the sensation of loneliness, however, as it has been related to me, I can assume it is a very unpleasant sensation. What I had previously considered a failure in my character is apparently a blessing.

[+ Charlie]

I think straight men have a hard time judging the sexual attractiveness of men, because they are not used to looking at men that way. They tend to compare themselves to other men along a different set of parameters: physical strength, athletic ability, money, power, etc. Gay men, on the other hand, tend to observe other men's physical attractiveness first--just as straight men's first observation about women is their physical attractiveness--so they can't help comparing themselves to the men they find sexually attractive, and as they age, they can't help feeling themselves less desirable on that account. Straight men are aware that women value other things in men above their physical image, so the loss of their looks as they age doesn't matter as much to them psychologically as it does to gay men.

[+ FreshFluff]

I think straight men have a hard time judging the sexual attractiveness of men, because they are not used to looking at men that way. They tend to compare themselves to other men along a different set of parameters: physical strength, athletic ability, money, power, etc. Gay men, on the other hand, tend to observe other men's physical attractiveness first--just as straight men's first observation about women is their physical attractiveness--so they can't help comparing themselves to the men they find sexually attractive, and as they age, they can't help feeling themselves less desirable on that account. Straight men are aware that women value other things in men above their physical image, so the loss of their looks as they age doesn't matter as much to them psychologically as it does to gay men.

 

Straight men notice the loss of their looks more if they have little money and power with which to buffer their overall attractiveness.

[Populist Fury]

I recently ran into a high school crush of mine-he was such a stud, built, gorgeous and just oozing sex appeal. Now he was bald, fat and really unrecognizable and divorced thrice.

 

Yeah, I've ran into high school & junior high crushes before & most look like shit now compared to how they used to look back in school. Straight men usually let themselves go once they enter their 30's or as soon as they enter marriage. It's sad, but ngl, it always leaves me feeling good about myself lol

[+ Pensant]

I’m happier now than ever before. I’ve stayed in great shape and maintain strong relations with family and friends. Aging doesn’t have to be such a grim experience. That said, it’s pretty clear that looks matter in our world.

 

I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve been in a gay bar. However, a few weeks ago I dropped in at one recently near Philadelphia while traveling and, even though I’d guess many of the patrons were in my generation or perhaps a bit older, I felt like a twink lol. I felt oddly self-conscious being stared at.

[+ tassojunior]

Of course, if one is not going to be frustrated and depressed by physical aging, he may need to change the way he looks for sex- different venues, different type of partner.

 

Sometimes, when I'm over in the Castro, I sometimes notice older men through the windows of bars, staring into space and trying to look nonchalant and I always think, "He must have something better to do."

If one's life has centered around hanging out at the bar, those places that youngsters first go to cavort, then I can imagine how aging is extra hard on that kind of gay man's life.

 

Perhaps one can work on their personality. Or put down that cocktail or twinkie and go for a hike.

 

 

I think both missed my main point. The gay bar scene is a b**ch for older gays but I handle my home strip club (Secrets) fine twice a week. The ages vary from 21 to 91 and blend.

 

What I'm more concerned with is the tendency toward bitterness and irritability as one ages. I find myself avoiding many people as old or older than me now because of so much bitterness from them and am extremely sensitive of younger people accusing me of being a bitter old man when I get mad.

[Ryan Roman]

Your post brings to mind the struggle consuming one of my closest friends. He is virtually terrified of aging alone. His phobia has caused him to make some serious missteps in his relationships. While I can sympathize with him, I cannot relate. By choice I'm alone most of the time, but I've never felt the sensation of loneliness, however, as it has been related to me, I can assume it is a very unpleasant sensation. What I had previously considered a failure in my character is apparently a blessing.

 

My partner (a civilian), although only 51, is struggling with getting older. It's further compounded by the passing of his father and ill health of his mother, and it's causing him to behave irrationally at times. I think we all will wrestle with aging as gay men, and hopefully all will find the way to learn, accept, and adapt to that reality as we all age. I will say this, though: gay men need to be more supportive to each other as a community than I believe we are... IMO....

[Rudynate]

I think both missed my main point. The gay bar scene is a b**ch for older gays but I handle my home strip club (Secrets) fine twice a week. The ages vary from 21 to 91 and blend.

 

What I'm more concerned with is the tendency toward bitterness and irritability as one ages. I find myself avoiding many people as old or older than me now because of so much bitterness from them and am extremely sensitive of younger people accusing me of being a bitter old man when I get madm

I think both missed my main point. The gay bar scene is a b**ch for older gays but I handle my home strip club (Secrets) fine twice a week. The ages vary from 21 to 91 and blend.

 

What I'm more concerned with is the tendency toward bitterness and irritability as one ages. I find myself avoiding many people as old or older than me now because of so much bitterness from them and am extremely sensitive of younger people accusing me of being a bitter old man when I get mad.

 

 

You should find a better class of people to hang out with. Problem solved.

[+ tassojunior]

You should find a better class of people to hang out with. Problem solved.

 

That example didn't take long.

[marylander1940]

I think both missed my main point. The gay bar scene is a b**ch for older gays but I handle my home strip club (Secrets) fine twice a week. The ages vary from 21 to 91 and blend.

 

What I'm more concerned with is the tendency toward bitterness and irritability as one ages. I find myself avoiding many people as old or older than me now because of so much bitterness from them and am extremely sensitive of younger people accusing me of being a bitter old man when I get mad.

 

I see that a lot in conservative (usually closeted) gay men not so much on others, take a look on this forum for example.

Edited May 28, 2018 by marylander1940

[marylander1940]

You should find a better class of people to hang out with. Problem solved.

 

I think you just made @tassojunior 's point with that unnecessary statement. I guess ageing in gentrified San Francisco is similar to Palm Springs. Is 60 the new 40?

 

@tassojunior keep on posting whatever you want, even it sounds too negative you open speak from your heart on here.

[Rudynate]

I’m happier now than ever before. I’ve stayed in great shape and maintain strong relations with family and friends. Aging doesn’t have to be such a grim experience. That said, it’s pretty clear that looks matter in our world.

 

I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve been in a gay bar. However, a few weeks ago I dropped in at one recently near Philadelphia while traveling and, even though I’d guess many of the patrons were in my generation or perhaps a bit older, I felt like a twink lol. I felt oddly self-conscious being stared at.

 

 

I think hanging out in bars is a totally nowhere thing to be doing. I went in a bar a few years ago for a meet-and-greet. I didn't even like being seen there.

[+ tassojunior]

If one's life has centered around hanging out at the bar, those places that youngsters first go to cavort, then I can imagine how aging is extra hard on that kind of gay man's life.

 

Perhaps one can work on their personality. Or put down that cocktail or twinkie and go for a hike.

 

 

wow

[Rudynate]

That example didn't take long.

 

You aren't taking your own advice- making peace with "fading out." At this point in my life, I'm more concerned about being relevant than I am with whether or not 25 year olds find me attractive. I continue to grow professionally and I'm launching a major new marketing initiative. Thats way more fun than killing time in gay bars.