Gay men and aging : Finding your purpose

[+ tassojunior]

Since “the author” does not in fact talk about “how looks are not important” in the graph you quote, perhaps you should look into a good therapist. Or priest. Or ophthalmologist.

 

and Kenny finds it's way to the grouchiness thread.

[P Gren]

Hormones are an aspect of one's psychology

Obviously. And we're so much more.

[coriolis888]

 

I was talking more about our psychology and social norms, I think you're talking about hormones.

 

 

Hi, I read your post again, particularly the sentence "a great way to act on this is for older gay men to value their contemporaries for their looks and stop chasing young kids and start chasing their contemporaries."

 

Your statement does not mention psychology and social norms.

 

I know there is a reason that most gays go after young guys just like I know there is a reason why straight guys go after young women.

 

Fortunately, there are enough gays that like older "contemporaries" but most like younger guys.

 

That is just the way it is.

[P Gren]

Hi, I read your post again, particularly the sentence "a great way to act on this is for older gay men to value their contemporaries for their looks and stop chasing young kids and start chasing their contemporaries."

 

Your statement does not mention psychology and social norms.

 

I know there is a reason that most gays go after young guys just like I know there is a reason why straight guys go after young women.

 

Fortunately, there are enough gays that like older "contemporaries" but most like younger guys.

 

That is just the way it is.

"That's just the way it is" ... seriously? You can say that after the changes made by the gay rights movement. Things can/do change. "A great way to act (a social norm) on this is for older gay men to value (psychology) their contemporaries ... etc. "

[Rudynate]

Obviously. And we're so much more.

 

 

So, because we're "so much more," hormones should be dismissed as unimportant?

[P Gren]

So, because we're "so much more," hormones should be dismissed as unimportant?

I don't understand your post. Who said hormones are unimportant? Not me. I said we are more than hormones. Being gay is about bonding with other men (sex is one of many different ways that happens) its not limited to sex. You're coming across as reactive rather than curious about other thoughts/opinions.

[coriolis888]

"That's just the way it is" ... seriously? You can say that after the changes made by the gay rights movement. Things can/do change. "A great way to act (a social norm) on this is for older gay men to value (psychology) their contemporaries ... etc. "

 

 

What do the changes in gay rights movement have to do with physical attraction?

Please remember your earlier post wherein you stated "a great way to act on this is for older gay men to value their contemporaries for their looks and stop chasing young kids and start chasing their contemporaries."

 

Again, we cannot control who we find attractive. While we certainly can be friendly to contemporaries, changes made by the gay rights movement do not change physical attraction.

 

While I agree that it would be wonderful if all older gays became friends, human nature will not allow that to happen. Again, that is just the way it is.

[P Gren]

What do the changes in gay rights movement have to do with physical attraction?

Please remember your earlier post wherein you stated "a great way to act on this is for older gay men to value their contemporaries for their looks and stop chasing young kids and start chasing their contemporaries."

 

Again, we cannot control who we find attractive. While we certainly can be friendly to contemporaries, changes made by the gay rights movement do not change physical attraction.

 

While I agree that it would be wonderful if all older gays became friends, human nature will not allow that to happen. Again, that is just the way it is.

Again. "That's just the way it is" Seriously? Everything changes all the times. Gay rights was just an obvious example of how things aren't just that way it is. Homophobia is challenged and beaten back. If the gay activists of the 70s and 80s had the attitude of "that's just the way it is" we'd be living in a much more limited world for gay men. And yes this is connected to physical attraction. The gay rights movement opened up gay men's lives to more fully explore the ways we bond with each other. Again being gay is about how we bond with other men, its not limited to physical attraction, that is one aspect of it, and it's debatable whether its the most important. Of course historically when a quick fuck in a public place was the most that a lot of closeted gay men could expect as far as expressing their gayness, physical attraction could get fetishized. We can unpack (pun intended) that fetishizing of the sexual aspect of our bonding.

[Rudynate]

I don't understand your post. Who said hormones are unimportant? Not me. I said we are more than hormones. Being gay is about bonding with other men (sex is one of many different ways that happens) its not limited to sex. You're coming across as reactive rather than curious about other thoughts/opinions.

 

You seemed to want to talk about the mind and dismiss the body. And of course, one can try, but the mind and body are intimately related.

[thickornotatall]

Again. "That's just the way it is" Seriously? Everything changes all the times. Gay rights was just an obvious example of how things aren't just that way it is. Homophobia is challenged and beaten back. If the gay activists of the 70s and 80s had the attitude of "that's just the way it is" we'd be living in a much more limited world for gay men. And yes this is connected to physical attraction. The gay rights movement opened up gay men's lives to more fully explore the ways we bond with each other. Again being gay is about how we bond with other men, its not limited to physical attraction, that is one aspect of it, and it's debatable whether its the most important. Of course historically when a quick fuck in a public place was the most that a lot of closeted gay men could expect as far as expressing their gayness, physical attraction could get fetishized. We can unpack (pun intended) that fetishizing of the sexual aspect of our bonding.

I grew up in NYC (Upper West Side and Greenwich Village) I always knew I was gay and always saw gay men and women in our neighborhood....I saw firsthand the movement begin on and around Christopher street....When the cops stopped raiding bars I saw more and more men out socially with friends...While I was in school at NYU I met my 1st real boyfriend..we went everywhere together..held hands...kissed in public (not sloppy) and let all know we were a couple.....If it wasn't for many more men and women like us I doubt the movement would have been so quick...Add to that the militant drag queens...we had a rolling movement not just asking for acceptance..but demanding and taking it..We attended the first march in Washington Sq Park....Bette Midler spoke...

Times have changed...that seems like light years away....

[samhexum]

Finding your purpose

[Inkdnaija00]

At this point in my life, it is what it is really. I go to the gym mostly for cardio and stay fit, changed my eating habits and spend more time doing other things with or without friends. I like my ALONE time very much and that's one thing some gay men can't or wont do and why that is? I don't know but I am only speaking for myself, not others!

Edited September 17, 2018 by Inkdnaija00

[Gymowner]

Very interesting. I for one have never found men over 45 attractive outwardly. Back hair, wrinkles, balding and age spots do nothing for my libido. I now am one of those men. My body is close to being what it was at 32 but father time is doing his thing. I constantly get hit on by younger guys all the way down to 20. I am now 52. I havent dated for a few years. Sex... forget it. I think in my view of men my age it would be hypoctritical to go after young men when I myself dont find men my age attractive. Many can sit and pass judgement on my comments yet it is to me what it is.

 

I do however find straight escorts my thing at this point in my life. It must fit into my psyche. We all have our ways of getting thru the moment.

 

I can say with a positive gleam in my eye that many things that I didnt find fun to do are now awesome! The thing that straight men having going for them is in the evolution of aging. Wives, kids, grandkids. It so much helps when one doesn't have to focus on bars and hooks ups like we all did, straight and gay in our 20's. For the most part we as gay men do not have this evolution. So we stay fixated on bodies and hope, without a solid family unit in place that we can attract enough friends to get thru our waning years.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Gymowner

[coriolis888]

 

Maybe the young people who seem to even sleep with those huge ear-to-ear forced smiles nowadays have it right.

 

There must be a nickname for those huge artificial 24hr smiles.

 

 

There is - it is called insincerity.

[bnm73]

There is - it is called insincerity.

 

I was going to say "Xanax."

[+ tassojunior]

I was going to say "Xanax."

 

Smiles too huge for Xanax. That was my generation's constant grin.

[bnm73]

Smiles too huge for Xanax. That was my generation's constant grin.

Then maybe "legalized marijuana?"

[Rudynate]

I don't know what I expected getting old to be like when I was young, but I assumed things would work out. I looked around at the old guys I knew and none of them seemed bitter; they didn't seem lonely; they weren't committing suicide en masse. So I thought it would probably work out for me, too. It has. I don't pay that much attention to young men. Some of my friends are distressed by the fact that they seem invisible to young men. If I stopped to notice, I might find that I am also invisible to them. But, for the most part, I don't pay much attention. I do notice that young men at my gym treat me sort of like a mascot. They like to tell me how great I look - for my age. I think, "Couldn't you just say I look good?" But, then I remind myself that a flawed compliment is better than no compliment at all.

[Kenny]

Very interesting. I for one have never found men over 45 attractive outwardly. Back hair, wrinkles, balding and age spots do nothing for my libido. I now am one of those men. My body is close to being what it was at 32 but father time is doing his thing. I constantly get hit on by younger guys all the way down to 20. I am now 52. I havent dated for a few years. Sex... forget it. I think in my view of men my age it would be hypoctritical to go after young men when I myself dont find men my age attractive. Many can sit and pass judgement on my comments yet it is to me what it is.

 

I do however find straight escorts my thing at this point in my life. It must fit into my psyche. We all have our ways of getting thru the moment.

 

I can say with a positive gleam in my eye that many things that I didnt find fun to do are now awesome! The thing that straight men having going for them is in the evolution of aging. Wives, kids, grandkids. It so much helps when one doesn't have to focus on bars and hooks ups like we all did, straight and gay in our 20's. For the most part we as gay men do not have this evolution. So we stay fixated on bodies and hope, without a solid family unit in place that we can attract enough friends to get thru our waning years.

What a weird post. Do you suppose it is possible that your attraction to straight men is the knowledge that most find gay sex to be as gross as you find 52-year-old (and up) men, so you have something in common?

[bnm73]

re: the topic of the thread:

 

I already have my purpose. My purpose in life is to make things just a little bit more surreal for everyone I encounter.

[N13]

I hate what age is doing to my health, my body and my looks. But I am totally opposed to the alternative of ending it because I am no longer young and beautiful ( If indeed, I ever was beautiful!)

 

I fight mentally to stay "young," "interested," "interesting" and sometimes it is easier than other times. Yes, I am attracted to young beautiful men. So, fortunately, I am able to buy them. The best of them even convince me that I am attractive to them. At least for the short term.

 

It has been my experience that all too many gay men define themselves by their looks. That is sad to me because they are missing out on all of the benefits of age....and there are many! Experience, empathy, more money to enjoy life, a wealth of friends and even the ability to buy affection and orgasms.

[P Gren]

It seems to me gay men struggle with getting older more than other men. Why is that?

[bnm73]

It seems to me gay men struggle with getting older more than other men. Why is that?

 

It might be partly that a great swath of gay men were exterminated in the not to distant past by AIDS and related complications. Men getting old now have fewer peers to relate to.

[fedssocr1]

luckily I never had any looks to lose in the first place

[P Gren]

It might be partly that a great swath of gay men were exterminated in the not to distant past by AIDS and related complications. Men getting old now have fewer peers to relate to.

Good point