"Neither a Borrower or a Lender Be"....

[jjkrkwood]

OK, so I have a neighbor with whom I have gotten close over the last few years. She was there for me when I had my heart surgery in January, and we often share chat and laughs.

 

She does alot of traveling, while I do not anymore... however she once noticed that I had a set of Vuitton lugguage, and asst duffels and traveling bags from back in the day when I traveled alot and wanted to look "Bougie" doing it. It all now sits idle.

 

She has asked to "borrow" the stuff for her travels, and feels she is entitled since I am not using it.... "Why have it if you dont use it" she asks ? Good point , but NOT her business.... Anyway, I have always had bad experiences "lending out" stuff, and tried to explain to her that I am saving her the heartache and expense should something happen to it (which often does while travelling) , but she does not agree and has grown a bit "cold" towards me.... She is single and can certainly afford to buy an LV bag for her travels but feels she shouldnt have to since I have a bunch I am not using. In fact she asked that I GIVE it to her.... (well THAT aint happening)... As we have discussed this before, I dont feel the need to rehash it again with her.....

 

So how do you guys feel about "lending out" your stuff ? Am I just being selfish ? or smart ? (Side note: I also have never asked anyone to borrow anything EXCEPT maybe a food item or spice I needed that I didnt have at the moment) .

[Beancounter]

Look for a new friend. She sounds like a self-entitled user to me.

[jjkrkwood]

Look for a new friend. She sounds like a self-entitled user to me.

 

Other than this incident, she is a really nice person and has otherwise been good to me. But she is "coming off that way"....

[+ Charlie]

I often offer things for others to use, but I always hesitate when someone asks to use something I haven't offered, especially if it is something of value. I understand your reaction.

[LaffingBear]

My willingness to lend stuff depends on a lot of factors.

 

If I was traveling regularly and still using the LV luggage, I probably wouldn't do it. If it's in pristine condition, and I'd be annoyed if it came back damaged, I wouldn't do it. But if I'd slowed my travels significantly, and there was nothing truly special about the luggage, I'd let someone use it.

 

I've lent luggage. Lent some nice entertaining supplies like sterling or wedgewood. I confess I warned the borrower that if the dishes came back broken, I expected replacements.

 

I've lent outerwear and sweaters. But refused to lend work suits and my tux. An escort borrowed a shirt when he had nothing to wear to a nice restaurant.

 

I've let friends drive my car while I'm in it... but I'd probably refuse to let most take it for any length of time. And I probably wouldn't let someone use my home while I was away.

 

There's no right or wrong standard.... do what makes you feel comfortable, and don't convince yourself to feel guilty about doing what's right for you

[bigvalboy]

So how do you guys feel about "lending out" your stuff ? Am I just being selfish ? or smart ? (Side note: I also have never asked anyone to borrow anything EXCEPT maybe a food item or spice I needed that I didnt have at the moment) .

 

I never lend out anything...ever, period, end of story. AND I never ask to borrow anything from anyone, ever, period, end of story. Not my car, not clothes, nothing...and certainly not LV luggage. The only person being selfish is her. Sometimes you just have to learn to say "No". I would have said to her. " I think you are a wonderful person and I value our friendship, but I have a policy of not loaning out personal item to anyone, and I never ask to borrow anything from anyone. I hope you can understand my position. Replacing that luggage, should it become damaged or lost, would cost thousands of dollars, certainly not a cost that you would want to incur."

I won't let anyone drive my car or the boat, even if I'm in it. I have lent out money, but never an amount that would matter if it was not returned.

Edited November 4, 2017 by bigvalboy

[+ azdr0710]

Doesn't she have luggage of her own by now? Does she want to borrow yours only because of the Vuitton cachet???

[+ Funguy]

I had an escort loan me underwear.

I was commando and had forgotten I was going to the tailor afterwards. It's a busy little place and often people share a dressing room.

I did return them, washed of course, upon our next meeting.

[MikeyGMin]

Once I consider someone a friend I will lend or give them just about anything. I think part of it comes from a lifetime of loving Latin men and having them in my life. It's a generalization, and I may get blasted for it, but I have found Latins generally more giving and supportive of their friends and family. (They can also be very hostile and suspicious of non-friends, but that's another story. Lol)

 

I also have very little attachment to "things" and place great value on my relatively few friendships. If I can give them something that makes them happy...it makes me happy. It really does. So there is a self-serving aspect of it and isn't as altruistic as I may be sounding.

[+ poolboy48220]

I'm usually pretty easy about loaning things, but I've gotten more reluctant lately. I loaned my copy of "The Night Listener" by Armistead Maupin (purchased on the day it came out, so *sort* of a "first edition") - she misplaced it during a move and her lack of concern about it started making me more reluctant to loan.

 

I'm in a similar situation about lending my car to my roommate (currently without a vehicle). He's of the same "you're not using it at the moment" mindset. I'm always uncomfortable when he wants to take it to the bar (usually after I've gone to sleep), I worry that he's going to get ticketed and the whole hassle ensuing from that. I loaned a car to a friend for an extended period of time, he got pulled over and ticketed while driving it, and until that was settled the city confiscated the license plate. I don't want to go through that again, especially now that it's my only car (having a spare to loan was an unusual situation for me). The roommate's much more responsible than the guy who got ticketed, but still.

[craigville beach]

I have several quality power tools and a co-worker friend has several that I don't own. Together we have shared what each doesn't have with each other. Neither of us share with anyone who we feel is unable to use the equipment correctly. It has caused us both problems at work with those who we won't lend anything with. In our case, Home Depot rents just about every power tool you could need we both refer people to that source

[+ Topseed]

Your house, your rules.

 

It’s that simple.

 

She doesn’t get a vote in how you lead your life.

[+ GregM]

The bags are yours. You bought them. She is NOT entitled to anything of yours. If you dont want to lend her an item you dont have too. People have got to get rid of this idea they are entitled to something. This whole idea of one must share starts when we are kids and it stinks.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[+ sync]

Sometimes my diplomacy slips, when I feel I'm being put upon. I might respond with something to the effect that "It's not you, it's me. Loaning my Vuitton luggage to anyone is not happening."

[jjkrkwood]

Doesn't she have luggage of her own by now? Does she want to borrow yours only because of the Vuitton cachet???

 

YES of course she does, but YES to the latter....

[jjkrkwood]

The bags are yours. You bought them. She is NOT entitled to anything of yours. If you dont want to lend her an item you dont have too. People have got to get rid of this idea they are entitled to something. This whole idea of one must share starts when we are kids and it stinks.

 

Hugs,

Greg

 

 

I am certainly not opposed to the idea of sharing, however the luggage is quite costly, and she wouldnt be able to afford the replacement cost. I wouldnt want to put her in that awkward position should it present itself.

 

Eventhough I no longer really use it, it is in beautiful, well cared for condition, and I could certainly sell or consign it IF I wanted... I dont want it getting scratched or banged up. Somehow a person doesnt "care for" things that arent theirs in the same way they do if its their own... I am certain she wouldnt pay it any mind.

Edited November 5, 2017 by jjkrkwood

[mike carey]

I would be inclined to lend someone non-specific luggage if they needed it (although I struggle to understand why they would not have their own) but I would be disinclined to lend something when their reason for wanting it is the cachet it has, like LV.

[+ LIguy]

A good friend borrowed my fleshjac 2 years ago.......still waiting to get it back

[SuperJunior]

A good friend borrowed my fleshjac 2 years ago.......still waiting to get it back

 

I told you...it’s stuck in the vacuum! Gah!

[SuperJunior]

I am certainly not opposed to the idea of sharing, however the luggage is quite costly, and she wouldnt be able to afford the replacement cost. I wouldnt want to put her in that awkward position should it present itself.

 

Eventhough I no longer really use it, it is in beautiful, well cared for condition, and I could certainly sell or consign it IF I wanted... I dont want it getting scratched or banged up. Somehow a person doesnt "care for" things that arent theirs in the same way they do if its their own... I am certain she wouldnt pay it any mind.

 

 

Why not tell her you’re donating to a gay youth support organization for auction and can’t risk its being damaged? Then, donate it to a gay youth support organization for auction! Woo hoo! Winners everywhere!

[+ Tarte Gogo]

I am certainly not opposed to the idea of sharing, however the luggage is quite costly, and she wouldnt be able to afford the replacement cost. I wouldnt want to put her in that awkward position should it present itself.

 

Eventhough I no longer really use it, it is in beautiful, well cared for condition, and I could certainly sell or consign it IF I wanted... I dont want it getting scratched or banged up. Somehow a person doesnt "care for" things that arent theirs in the same way they do if its their own... I am certain she wouldnt pay it any mind.

Tell her it is not for using but a collectible item. It has value to you as such, not as a piece of luggage.

[SuperJunior]

OK, so I have a neighbor with whom I have gotten close over the last few years. She was there for me when I had my heart surgery in January, and we often share chat and laughs.

 

She does alot of traveling, while I do not anymore... however she once noticed that I had a set of Vuitton lugguage, and asst duffels and traveling bags from back in the day when I traveled alot and wanted to look "Bougie" doing it. It all now sits idle.

 

She has asked to "borrow" the stuff for her travels, and feels she is entitled since I am not using it.... "Why have it if you dont use it" she asks ? Good point , but NOT her business.... Anyway, I have always had bad experiences "lending out" stuff, and tried to explain to her that I am saving her the heartache and expense should something happen to it (which often does while travelling) , but she does not agree and has grown a bit "cold" towards me.... She is single and can certainly afford to buy an LV bag for her travels but feels she shouldnt have to since I have a bunch I am not using. In fact she asked that I GIVE it to her.... (well THAT aint happening)... As we have discussed this before, I dont feel the need to rehash it again with her.....

 

So how do you guys feel about "lending out" your stuff ? Am I just being selfish ? or smart ? (Side note: I also have never asked anyone to borrow anything EXCEPT maybe a food item or spice I needed that I didnt have at the moment) .

 

*nor

[Nvr2Thick]

I'm dealing with cluttered house syndrome. I own a lot of nice, valuable, and/or sentimental things, many of which I don't use or need anymore. I have woodworking and other shop tools that belonged to my father or grandfathers. I have antique furniture and decor from several different eras as well as some nice newer pieces. I have some semi-rare books about music, and a guitar collection that is far more extensive than I need. I have some top quality outdoorsman's clothes that have not been out of the trunk for at least 15 years. That's just scratching the surface...

 

I believe that those of us who were raised to depression-era and WWII-era parents developed values that include owning things of quality and making those things last, and not getting rid of things that are useful. My recent dealings with cancer and my desire to downsize into a more manageable home have forced me to change my perspective, but it has been hard.

 

One of my younger friends is really starting to enjoy taking on home improvement projects, so I gave him some of my dad's tools. I'm happy to know that someone I care for is putting them to good use, and not wasting his money stocking his own workshop. I gave two unique guitars and a stack of books to a good friend's college-age son. This friend and his son are both better musicians that I'll ever be, and it's great to know where these treasures have gone. A married couple, well-known for local community initiatives, just lost their home to a fire. I gave them a bed, a dresser, a settee, two chairs, and a desk -- all family heirlooms or top-quality furniture I bought 20-30 years ago. I gave some very good warm clothes to a friend's brother and the brother's business partner, who run a year round landscaping business and who are both avid hikers.

 

Letting go can be hard at first. If a guitar gets stolen out of the kid's car or he spills beer on a book I have to remember that it's his guitar and book. If one of these guys gets paint or grease all over a $350 coat, it's his coat. If the couple sells the furniture on Craigslist next year then at least it got them through a tough time in their lives. It's gratifying regardless, knowing that something I cared about has gone to help someone I care about. There's also a sense of relief knowing that I don't have to worry about the burden of these valuable artifacts, or the burden on my family to dispose of this stuff when I die. I now look forward to finding ways to help friends and acquaintances by giving away my valuable things.

 

Your friend crossed a line or two with her desires, expectations, and entitlement regarding your Louis Vuitton luggage. I don't know that I'd feel good about giving it to her. Still, if you aren't going to use it (an assumption) and you have reached a point where you're just hanging on to it because it's very nice and you've taken good care of it (another assumption) and you aren't going to need the money or honestly go through the trouble of selling it, it might feel good to know that this beautiful high-quality luggage is helping a friend to see the world in style.

 

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be" is good advice. I never loan money to a friend; I give money to friends with no expectation of return. That's the principle I apply to these items of quality; I can spare them, I won't miss them, and I can't create expectations that these things won't be subject to accident, loss, or a lower standard of care.

[jjkrkwood]

I'm dealing with cluttered house syndrome. I own a lot of nice, valuable, and/or sentimental things, many of which I don't use or need anymore. I have woodworking and other shop tools that belonged to my father or grandfathers. I have antique furniture and decor from several different eras as well as some nice newer pieces. I have some semi-rare books about music, and a guitar collection that is far more extensive than I need. I have some top quality outdoorsman's clothes that have not been out of the trunk for at least 15 years. That's just scratching the surface...

 

I believe that those of us who were raised to depression-era and WWII-era parents developed values that include owning things of quality and making those things last, and not getting rid of things that are useful. My recent dealings with cancer and my desire to downsize into a more manageable home have forced me to change my perspective, but it has been hard.

 

One of my younger friends is really starting to enjoy taking on home improvement projects, so I gave him some of my dad's tools. I'm happy to know that someone I care for is putting them to good use, and not wasting his money stocking his own workshop. I gave two unique guitars and a stack of books to a good friend's college-age son. This friend and his son are both better musicians that I'll ever be, and it's great to know where these treasures have gone. A married couple, well-known for local community initiatives, just lost their home to a fire. I gave them a bed, a dresser, a settee, two chairs, and a desk -- all family heirlooms or top-quality furniture I bought 20-30 years ago. I gave some very good warm clothes to a friend's brother and the brother's business partner, who run a year round landscaping business and who are both avid hikers.

 

Letting go can be hard at first. If a guitar gets stolen out of the kid's car or he spills beer on a book I have to remember that it's his guitar and book. If one of these guys gets paint or grease all over a $350 coat, it's his coat. If the couple sells the furniture on Craigslist next year then at least it got them through a tough time in their lives. It's gratifying regardless, knowing that something I cared about has gone to help someone I care about. There's also a sense of relief knowing that I don't have to worry about the burden of these valuable artifacts, or the burden on my family to dispose of this stuff when I die. I now look forward to finding ways to help friends and acquaintances by giving away my valuable things.

 

Your friend crossed a line or two with her desires, expectations, and entitlement regarding your Louis Vuitton luggage. I don't know that I'd feel good about giving it to her. Still, if you aren't going to use it (an assumption) and you have reached a point where you're just hanging on to it because it's very nice and you've taken good care of it (another assumption) and you aren't going to need the money or honestly go through the trouble of selling it, it might feel good to know that this beautiful high-quality luggage is helping a friend to see the world in style.

 

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be" is good advice. I never loan money to a friend; I give money to friends with no expectation of return. That's the principle I apply to these items of quality; I can spare them, I won't miss them, and I can't create expectations that these things won't be subject to accident, loss, or a lower standard of care.

 

 

When I retired in January, I also entered my downsize/declutter period. Going thru a complete apt renovation forced me to purge accumulated "treasures" and collectibles. Attachment is hard to overcome, but its actually like pulling off a bandaid, quick and painless once you make the decision. And strangely enough, once its gone, I really dont miss anything. I love my new space, and the ease of caring for it.

 

As for the luggage, I dont travel any longer. I may take a road trip, but certainly wont use a complete matched set of bags. The LV's are in their dust bags and packed away. I may pull out a piece for an overnitghter, but with LV luggage, its like money in the bank. so that's why I hang onto it. I probably will end up consigning it to a resale shop, if I dont die first and leave it in my will. Actually, I am leaving it to her if its not sold, but she doesnt know that. I no longer LEND money.... that's a moot point since its pretty certain when you lend, you dont get it back. So if I decide to "gift" money, I do, but it always complicates relationships. Eventhough "things are just THINGS", certain things still need special consideration. But my friend still has her eye on the prize.

[Bearofdistinction]

Look for a new friend. She sounds like a self-entitled user to me.

 

You can do as suggested above -- Or IF you really like and care about her then wait for a special occasion - Xmas/Landmark Birthday/St. Swithins Day -- If the cost is not an issue then why not buy her a "Starter Piece" to build her own collection? And phrase the card in a way that makes it clear that it is a Starter Piece

 

Then you have done something nice for a friend that she would really appreciate.

 

I also never lend anything of value to friends or family including money that I cannot afford to not get back.

 

Edited November 7, 2017 by Bearofdistinction