When and how did you realize that free sex is over ?

[diehard_002]

This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind of late after a series of mishaps on grindr. I imagine there is a point (or a sequence of points) after which we realize that free sex is essentially over and that the only way to get physical intimacy is to pay for it - assuming there is no significant other in your life.

 

I am curious to know how you realized, accepted and adjusted to that fact. Was it at a particular age, some specific event that happened - like someone making a comment or such ? How did you handle it - Was it actually liberating to realize that you are out of the dating, cruising game ? Did your sex life improve or did you get depressed, detached, spiteful ?

 

Experiences ? Pearls of wisdom ?

[MikeyGMin]

No particular words of wisdom. Just that my own personal experience is not that black and white. Free sex is not over. I still date age appropriate men and I'm even getting close to a younger man and that might lead somewhere. It's a totally traditional "getting to know each other" kind of thing. (Definitely isn't a Sugar Daddy relationship, but there is no denying there is a pretty significant wealth gap.)

 

The only event that occurred for me was the realization -- a number of years ago -- that there were super hot young guys offering this service and I now had the disposable income to hire them. It was liberating, but not for the reasons you mention. It was liberating for me because I had worked hard, done the things you were supposed to do to be (semi) successful, and could now afford this great luxury.

 

Maybe that's why I don't get depressed, detached, or spiteful. I view this as a great luxury item that I've added to my life -- not something I have been forced to settle for.

[TruHart1]

It was completely different for me. I always had such low self-esteem because of my negative body image (overweight from my late teens on!) Back then there were no smart phones and no Grindr, etc., just ads I would read in local gay rags which always had the final statement, "no fats or fems!" When I was out at a gay bar with friends, I often felt so uncomfortable if an attractive man paid attention to me, (which hardly ever happened anyway) I was suspicious that he must be tipsy or using drugs. Later, in my 30's and 40's, when local gay M4M chat rooms were quite popular on AOL, I did hook up with quite a few (usually older) married men. I think in a previous life I may have been a hooker since no matter the age or looks of the men I hooked up with, I always found something that was sexually attractive to me and, unless the man was a total asshole, I always enjoyed myself. That period ended when the wife one of the married men I had been seeing on a regular basis for over a year, returned home unexpectedly and I had to run to his garage naked carrying my clothes, scared to death she would open the garage door or just come into the garage while I was putting my clothes back on and hiding there!

 

After that, I was lucky if I had even two hookups a year. I sort of gave up on ever having much sex again for about fifteen or twenty years! I had an attitude by then that no man could actually find me attractive if he saw me first and what sex I did find was more than likely a mercy fuck because he was so horny and I was the only option available to him at that moment. During that period, I had found a site on the internet where clients were reviewing escorts, a number of them being porn stars like Jason Branch, whom I had seen in videos/films. I have no idea if this was Hooboy's site but I do remember my surprise that the reviews often gave the escorts praise for being real people who even seemed to enjoy these paid encounters. At that time I was still in the thought pattern that if I had to pay for sex, I would have reached a low point in my life. I also was not flush enough then to even be tempted at the thought! I did have the idea percolating for quite a while that I might (but I had a lot of fear and so many doubts) want to try hiring an escort just once, only so I could try it.

 

Forward to about six years ago, after I had become much more comfortable financially, on my second annual trek to NYC with a friend who wanted us to catch about thirteen Broadway/Off-Broadway shows in a couple of weeks! I actually convinced him that I was meeting an old acquaintance in Brooklyn for lunch but instead hired my very first escort. I had perused and examined RentBoy for months, checking out who was available and deciding which man to hire, calling my final choice (@AresEscortNYC) on the phone and setting up our appointment two(!) weeks ahead of my NYC trip! I was such a newbie that I had no idea that fake ads existed, although I did read Daddy's reviews before I made my ultimate choice. I had booked only a one hour appointment that first time, but Ares opened my eyes to what a great escort could do for me in that hour, a world that I had never dreamed even existed! Since then, I've never looked back. I find hiring escorts to be the most pleasurable and enlightening hobby I have ever enjoyed!!!

 

TruHart1

[big-n-tall]

As @MikeyGMin stated... sex is still free, but you may have to find more age appropriate men to wet your whistle. I mean there are some men (of whatever age) who enjoy guys totally unlike themselves. So don't give up in that regard. Not getting any successes (or very few) on hook up apps shouldn't be a gage for free sex drying up.

 

In my case, I have never been hurting in the sex department. I've had a lot of friends with benefits situations both male and female. However, I'm a bit of a lone wolf and haven't been in a serious relationship for some time. I'm sure, to some degree, that's because of my inherent shyness (well until I get to know people and that shyness completely evaporates). Also partly because of my sometimes hectic work schedule and other things, I'm not looking to settle down.

 

Anyway, I got into this hobby to try things my friends with benefits wouldn't do or wouldn't do regularly. It was a bonus I could meet some of my pornstar/actor crushes and try these things with. I mean not only would they be experts or very good at whatever... most would be comfortable with almost anything I requested. Anything I learned I could use on my friends with benefits. I don't see paying for it as a negative, even more so if you gain something from it. Hell, I just had a discussion with an escort who became a friend about his busy schedule. He made some comment where I remarked if he had not been escorting (and me looking), we would have never met. So my and his circumstances brought us together.

 

So don't get disheartened. We all have differing reasons for getting into this hobby. I don't fully know your situation... but please don't feel like the world is shutting you out because of Grindr and it's ilk. Please don't feel like you are some type of loser because you have to pay for it. Free sex can be had, you may have to adjust and find it by other means. The fact you have the luxury of hiring is an amazing thing. Enjoy what you can, when can. Don't sweat the small stuff.

.

[MikeyGMin]

At that time I was still in the thought pattern that if I had to pay for sex, I would have reached a low point in my life.

I was lucky enough to be spared these particular thoughts. I just never thought about it as an act of desperation.

 

However, I very briefly struggled with some guilt about getting these hot guys to do something that I thought they might secretly hate. I felt like I was taking advantage of my economic position.

 

This was taken care of when, I kid you not, I had a discussion with my mother about the topic. (We may have been unhealthily honest with each other. ) She pointed out that men with the means had always made arrangements of one form or another with young and attractive partners. She told me that as long as I never took advantage of someone's desperation (think homeless street kid) that I should not give it a minute's thought. It was pretty much the natural order of things. She was quite a gal.

[beachboy]

I was lucky enough to be spared these particular thoughts. I just never thought about it as an act of desperation.

 

However, I very briefly struggled with some guilt about getting these hot guys to do something that I thought they might secretly hate. I felt like I was taking advantage of my economic position.

 

This was taken care of when, I kid you not, I had a discussion with my mother about the topic. (We may have been unhealthily honest with each other. ) She pointed out that men with the means had always made arrangements of one form or another with young and attractive partners. She told me that as long as I never took advantage of someone's desperation (think homeless street kid) that I should not give it a minute's thought. It was pretty much the natural order of things. She was quite a gal.

Your mother was some lady! Guilt free sex & hiring a hot guy for the purpose is beautiful, liberating & one of life's great pleasures.

[+ poolboy48220]

I've been surprised a few times. I was 41 and picked up, agressively, by a 19-year-old at the bar. I bought him a drink and he put my hand down his pants while we were waiting. We didn't finish the drinks and headed back to my place (after I assured him I could drive him home the next morning). That morning was my nephew's first communion - I felt very much like Brian Kinney that day :-)

[+ WmClarke]

14 escorts.

 

67 non-escorts.

 

In less than three years.

 

Free sex never ends.

[+ quoththeraven]

Free sex never ends.

 

That's been my experience, too.

[+ OliverSaks]

Here's to hoping that free sex never starts...

 

 

 

 

I AM JUST KIDDING YA'LL!

[rvwnsd]

For me, free sex is not over. Several years ago I decided that there are times when I don't want to deal with the BS often associated with hooking up and started hiring. For the last couple of years I have pretty much exclusively hired because there has been no time to play hook-up games.

[nate_sf]

I wouldn't read too much into Grindr mishaps. A while back I was reading a post by Conner Habib that I thought did a good job of sussing up the Grindr mindfuck: https://connerhabib.wordpress.com/2016/12/02/the-future-non-future-of-adult-industry/

 

In a nutshell, too much window-shopping and fantasy on Grindr, not enough real hook-ups.

 

I was recently traveling in a small town and though there was lots of activity on Grindr, I couldn't seal the deal with anyone. What I would have done to have the option of just contacting an escort and having him come over, without all the BS. In this particular town there were no escort listings whatsoever.

[+ Gar1eth]

I'm not hiring right now-and most likely not ever again. I still manage to have sex occasionally depending on what you classify as sex. But it is difficult. Last summer I went three months without any interaction whatsoever.

 

I have one guy-I'd call him a suck buddy as opposed to a f-ck buddy. We meet a couple of times a month usually. We tried me f-cking him a year ago, but he was too tight and couldn't relax. On one hand I'd like to f-ck more. On the other hand it certainly takes the pressure off of me on whether I can get hard enough to top.

 

However it's not a good situation for me though. I've been debating starting a thread about it.

 

Over the summer I had a one time experience with a cute college sophomore or junior. He was the youngest guy I had ever been with. I had never even been with someone that young when I was young as I was a total virgin until age 41 (hadn't even Fr kissed anyone before then). He wanted a Daddy type. I'm not really thrilled with the 'Daddy' appellation. But that seems to be what most of the guys who are attracted to me want.

 

I'm lucky that my interests in guys spans a wide age range. Traditionally I'm not really interested in a guy until he is at least 25. And then I have a buddy I've made out with before who is 77.

 

Gman

[corymonroe]

I realized it was over shortly after I turned 50 and the genetic side of my existence dictated a new reality check. There's a part of me that hasn't accepted it fully, but that changes with each new year. Adjusting to it is not easy. My mind still thinks like a 30-year-old.

[+ WhamIAm]

My experience went in the other direction. I've been out since the early 90s, had a great and varied sex life and a couple of LTRs. Then, due to a faulty brain and a faulty body, I pretty much went into isolation for about 9 years. No sex, not so much as a deep, passionate kiss. My malfunctions affected lots of other stuff in my life as well -- job, personal relationships, basic day-to-day living. Over the last three years my brain got less broken (yay, Big Pharma!), and I started to dig out of my rut. But, I was, frankly, still too ashamed (body image) and scared (of rejection) to try to reignite any sort of sexual or romantic life.

 

Toyed with the idea of hiring, but shied away until about 2 years ago when I was travelling in South Africa. Suddenly struck me that I might be far more comfortable taking the plunge 2000 miles from home. And so I did. Simply by luck, found a beautiful, sexy, patient, smart, kind escort who was exactly what I needed. After about 6 months of (mostly) fun solely hiring, found myself dating again. I'd lost alot of my fear about becoming the pursuer rather than the pursued. Since then, I've found rewarding, hot, passionate sex that, as a bonus, was free.

 

Long way of saying -- for me, hiring has actually increased the "free" sex in my life. I don't know that I'll ever stop hiring on the side. Even with my new-found enthusiasm for finding sex and companionship outside of a commercial transaction, there are a lot of beautiful, sexy men out there who turn me on but would remain outside the reach of my limited charms. So, I see it as kinda going to Six Flags to ride the exciting rides, and they frequently turn out to be as attractive on the inside as on the outside.

 

And, I don't feel any angst about not calling them the next morning

[+ glennnn]

The financial burden of hiring is extremely limiting for me, but I've found one great fuck buddy to enjoy occasionally. I don't know if it's practical, but I would love to meet some potential hook ups with non professionals at PS in April. So, if we meet, and you would enjoy some free sex, don't be shy. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "A hole, is a hole is a hole."

[corndog]

After several years of you-only-get-what-you-pay-for sex, I've recently jumped into Grindr. It's a big hassle, and a lot of work with a very low success rate, but with some persistence, I've had some successful encounters, even though I only share one practically unidentifiable face pic, and never share any body pics or nudes.

 

I've met one guy who really seems to be into me, and I've seen him several times. In many ways, he's better than a lot of the paid escort experiences I've had recently, and it's affirming to know that I can get it without paying.

 

Having said that, cruising on Grindr is incredibly tedious and time wasting. It makes hiring seem like a great value.

[+ Charlie]

I don't know if I could still get free sex or not--I simply stopped looking for it when I hit middle age. It was so much more convenient to just hire and get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it. Then when I retired to Palm Springs in my early 60s, I decided one night to see what the bars were like, and was surprised to be picked up and taken home in his Mercedes convertible by a really hot-looking guy of about 40. The sex all night long was fabulous, but I realized it was probably a fluke, and if I expected the experience to be repeated regularly, I was bound to be disappointed. So I stopped looking again.

[+ nycman]

As long as I have a hand that works....there will always be free sex!

[Lookin]

I've managed to convince myself that it's just a dry spell, though the fact that it's lasted since the Reagan era is a bit concerning. http://www.boytoy.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif

 

In the silver lining department, I've been in touch with the folks at Guinness World Records and they tell me that I may end up in the next edition, if not on the cover itself. http://www.boytoy.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif

 

[AdamSmith]

Location makes a difference. Here in RDU, free sex with people near me in age (57) is not difficult to find.

 

But when living in NYC six years ago, it was easy to pick up guys of any age whatever. Age, at least at certain places such as Monster, was just not one of the categories anyone seemed to much care about.

[+ FreshFluff]

It hasn't even started.

[AdamSmith]

It hasn't even started.

http://www.sigmundfreud.net/images/sigmund-freud-photo.jpg

[+ FreshFluff]

http://www.sigmundfreud.net/images/sigmund-freud-photo.jpg

When you have to pay for dinner first.

[AdamSmith]

When you have to pay for dinner first.

The very definition of psychoanalysis!